


Anchor

by AricaZorel



Series: Every Wave of the Storm [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Acts of Kindness, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Advice, Angry Cullen Rutherford, Anxiety, Apologies, Arguing, Avalanches, Awkward Flirting, Beer, Bees, Belonging, Blushing, Book: Hard in Hightown - Varric Tethras, Brief Merrill (Dragon Age), Bruises, Cassandra Pentaghast Ships It, Choices, Confessions, Cookies, Cooking, Corypheus (Dragon Age) is Dead, Crestwood (Dragon Age), Crushes, Cullen Rutherford Fluff, Cullen Rutherford has a sense of humor, Cultural References, Culture, Cussing, Dalish Lore, Demons, Developing Friendships, Dorian Pavus is a Good Friend, Dorkiness, Drinking & Talking, Emotional Baggage, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Encouragement, Endings, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fade Rifts, Fashion & Couture, Fear, Feelings Realization, Female Friendship, Fereldans, Fluff, Friendship, Gift Giving, Haven (Dragon Age), Helpful Cole (Dragon Age), Home, Hugs, Inappropriate comments, Language, Late Night Conversations, Letters, Literal Sleeping Together, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mabari, Mabari Puppies, Made For Each Other, Magic, Male-Female Friendship, Memories, Modern Girl in Thedas, Nerdiness, Nicknames, Nightmares, Nightmares—ptsd triggered, Nugs, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, People Watching, Pets, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Promises, Protection, Protective Cullen Rutherford, Qunari, Recovered Memories, Recovery, Red Lyrium, Rediscovery, Rescue, Romantic Fluff, Second Chances, Secret Crush, Self-Worth Issues, Sera Being Sera (Dragon Age), Sexual Harassment, Sharing, Shirtless, Siblings, Singing, Skyhold (Dragon Age), Slow Burn, Standing up for yourself, Strong Female Characters, Surface Dwarf Culture and Customs, Surprises, Sweet Cullen Rutherford, Tal-Vashoth The Iron Bull (Dragon Age), Teasing, Templars (Dragon Age), The Breach (Dragon Age), The Circle, Thedosian Culture and Customs, Trust Issues, Wicked Grace (Dragon Age), Worth It, curly hair Cullen, first kiss--FINALLY, minor jealousy, varric tethras knows things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 91,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24795175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AricaZorel/pseuds/AricaZorel
Summary: Anyssa McBride’s job was in historic preservation, a dream career from her childhood. She never expected to be living history, especially not on another world. Pulled through a rift into Thedas, she is rescued by members of the Inquisition, specifically Commander Cullen Rutherford. With no knowledge of her new world or the Inquisition, Anyssa attempts to overcome her troubled past as she searches for a way home. With the unexpected aid of the Commander, will she discover a way back to Earth or find out that somethings happen for a reason and some people are more than they appear.*****"When I get tired of findingAll of the fears I've been hidingYou gave me a breath, and tell me to restYou never leftI can, I can, I can hear You, calling me by namePulling me up from under my shameI'll never be the sameI can face anything, so let it rainYou are my anchorSo steady me, steady me nowYou are my anchorYou're keeping my feet on the groundIn angry oceans, You've never broken throughEvery wave of the stormYou are my anchor"~'Anchor' by Skillet
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Original Character(s), Cullen Rutherford/Original Female Character(s), Josephine Montilyet/Female Trevelyan, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Every Wave of the Storm [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871011
Comments: 70
Kudos: 222





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Chapters alternate between the POV of Anyssa and Cullen.
> 
> ****Possible Trigger warning****  
> This work contains references to implied emotional and mental abuse in a domestic relationship. Suggested physical abuse is mentioned as well. None of it is graphically described. Cullen’s struggle with lyrium withdrawal, lyrium addiction, his torture at Kinloch Hold, and PTSD struggles are also mentioned in this story. Please note this and do not read if you are sensitive to any of this even being mentioned. As always if you are subject to any kind of abuse or addiction please seek help. There is a way out and there are people willing to help you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa is pulled through a rift after attempting to escape from a bad situation. She arrives in Thedas in the middle of a battle between Inquisition forces and demons. Rescued by Commander Cullen, her new life begins.

She was cold. It had been cold when she had run from her house out the back door into the nearby woods. She knew he would follow. He always did. He always promised it would be different, he would do better, they would be better. They would have the life he had promised her. It was all a lie. It had always been a lie.

This time she had thought she’d planned it so well. She could finally be free of him and start over. No more lies, no more feeling useless, feeling less than adequate, being tossed aside when he wasn’t interested.

She had been wrong. Oh so wrong.

He had found her. He had attempted to bring her back. He had tried to guilt her into returning, that she would be ruining his life by leaving, that she was nothing without him. He had reacted just as he always had with one major difference. This time he had tried to hit her. This time she had run out onto the ice of the small pond behind their house. This time she had not backed down. This time her luck ran out.

The ice had broken. The icy water pulling her under, his voice of anger drowned out by rush of water around her. Hypothermia and shock quickly overtaking her. She could swim but the freezing temperatures made that near impossible.

Flailing limbs, frantic thoughts and an odd sense of relief that she would never have to see his face again, feel empty when he ignored her again, hear his horrible words, his lies again came over her. As the lack of oxygen began to make things go dark, the last thing she remembered was a strange green glow below her in the watery depths.

******

A strong set of hands grabbed onto her, hauling her out of the water’s icy reach. She felt herself dangling for a moment, her hands kept above her head. Water dripped into her eyes; her hair plastered to her face. She began shivering almost as soon as her rescuer set her back upon the ground. She was only coherent enough to hope her rescuer was not her assailant.

As the gloves hands let go of her arms she attempted to support her own weight. Exhaustion overtook her instead and she crumpled to the ground. She fell into what felt like snow. Deep snow. How was that possible? It had only flurried a little, barely covering the grass.

“Healer! I need a healer here! And keep those blasted demons back!” An unfamiliar voice called near her.

A healer? Did he mean a doctor? Had someone called 911? And demons? Did he mean the man she had run from? Her horrible excuse for a boyfriend?

“My lady? Are you injured?”

My lady? She shook her head. “I... I’m cold.”

“Maker’s breath! Where is that healer?”

She felt hands on her again pulling her towards something. She was lifted off the ground as she felt fur, leather, and metal envelope her. They were walking at a fast pace to she knew not where. She thought she heard something akin to a prayer being uttered. She finally was able to open her eyes enough to see an eerie green glow over head while a blond man carried her. “W-Who are...you?”

Golden eyes looked down at her, in surprise. “Commander Cullen. You will be fine, miss...?”

“Anyssa...McBride...” she replied through chattering lips.

“Lady McBride, I will get you to a healer. What in the Maker’s name where you doing this far from Haven?”

“Haven?”

“Yes. The village.”

“I... I was running from him...he was going to hurt me...I had to run...”

The world around her faded out as the confused commander continued to carry her murmuring prayers to a creator she knew nothing about. The nothingness of her dreams consumed her, shielding her from the truth. When she awoke she would find herself free of her old life but confronted with unknowns. She had wanted a new beginning. As she would come to know, leaving one life behind does not guarantee happiness in a new one. But making new choices could make that beginning worthwhile.


	2. Kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen can't get the woman he rescued out of his mind. Hoping to learn more about her, he makes a promise to her. But will he be able to keep it or will his act of kindness be for not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***trigger warning: this chapter contains a brief description of Anyssa's abuse at the hands of a domestic partner. It is not graphic and I will never write anything in that manner. As always, do not read if you are sensitive to any of this. Take care of yourself and seek help if you need it. Someone is always there to help.

Cullen looked at the woman lying on the cot. She had been tended to by the healers and the apostate elf Solas. No one knew who she was. By all accounts, she came out of the lake with demons. Yet he could feel no demonic presence. She wasn't a mage either. Solas had said she was human but not of Thedas; her connection to the Fade was wrong. The mage had been unable to offer anything else.

Despite her unconscious state the Commander and the other advisers had ordered a guard kept on her. He did not feel threatened by her despite Cassandra's forceful warnings of tricks. He felt quite the opposite, that she needed protecting. He wanted to protect in general and had since boyhood. But this was different. It revolved around one person, a woman he did not know.

She knew nothing of him, the Inquisition, Haven, or anything it seems. All the questions Cassandra and Leliana had badgered her with had ended the same, what he had already told them. Her name was Anyssa McBride and she had been attempting to get away from someone she believed would hurt her. As with the Herald, Cassandra had threatened while Leliana had been calm. Eventually Cullen grew weary of them and practically ordered the Hands of the Divine out.

Now nearly twenty-four hours later he sat in a chair beside the woman's bed watching as she slept. He had relieved her guard unable to sleep himself. An examine by Solas as well as a skilled healer had revealed bruises along her legs, upper arms, and back. Some look like handprints fingers curling around her arm to restrain her. Solas’ magic had not revealed the presence of other injuries. Regardless, it was evident that someone had been after her just as she claimed. No wonder she was frightened.

“No... please... I didn't do anything,” a small scared voice called out.

Cullen looked up to see the woman twisting in the sheets, a look of fear on her pale features. He watched as she grew more desperate. “Please don't hurt me! I'll go back! Please don't hurt me!”

The Commander was on his feet kneeling beside her heart before he realized it. Attempting to save her from the world of nightmares he was all too familiar with he whispered, “You're safe. No one will harm you.”

She still for a moment at his voice. “You’re lying. You’ll say anything to get me back home.”

“Maker, what did he do to you?” Cullen uttered in anger.

She let out a whimper as she began struggling to back away from him. “Bryan no! Please I didn't want to make you angry. Please!”

Cullen took a steadying breath. Anger would not help. Kindness would apparently something this Bryan had that were shown her. Gently he placed a gloved hand upon her brow. “You are safe. I swear it.”

Whether it was the touch or his voice he didn't know. She swatted at him crying in her sleep. “Please don't... I didn't... I'll do anything you just don't hurt me.”

Her whimpered pleas undid him; his heartbreaking at her tone and the sight before him. Quickly removing his gloves the former Templar once again touch her forehead. “I am not him. My name is Cullen and I swear I will let no one harm you.”

The honey blonde stilled as he stroked her long locks. Emboldened by her reaction he continued, “I rescued you from the lake. You are in Haven, safe from whatever or whomever meant to hurt you. I promise.”

Slowly her breathing evened out, her body resting comfortably in the cot. Watching her a few more moments, he reluctantly withdrew his hand. He froze when he saw ice blue eyes peering back at him. Her voice and certain. “Cullen?”

Quickly finding his own voice he replied, “Yes. I am Cullen... I was... You were having a nightmare. I--I only wanted to help...I—"

“You promised to keep me safe?”

He nodded, hearing the confusion in her voice. “Yes. I pulled you from the lake. You are... I will make sure no one hurts you.”

His words seem to put her at ease as she settled into the cot. “I-- what happened?”

Cullen hesitated. He really didn't think she was strong enough for the whole truth. “I rescued you from the lake and brought you to Haven. Our people say you will recover in time. Just-- just know that you are safe now.”

“Why are you here? The other man was guarding me.”

Cullen felt his cheeks flush as he rubbed his neck. “I could not sleep so I relieved him. I wanted to know that you were well.”

The surprise her eyes at his admission made him wonder what her life has been like before falling through the rift. How could she be surprised that someone wanted to know how she faired? He watched as she bit her bottom lip as if nervous to reply. “Why... you don't know me. I don't even understand what happened to me. Why are you being so kind?”

The former Templar took a breath hoping his words did justice to what he was feeling. “My lady, I do not know what happened to you before. I only know what I have seen. You are frightened and uncertain. I only thought an act of kindness might ease your mind. If I had someone show me such a mercy all those years ago by path may have led to less hardships.”

“But I am no one.”

Cullen shook his head. “We are all someone to the Maker. We all have a path laid before us. Our choices make that path more difficult or one of ease depending on our own actions. Kindness is always the better choice.”

She looked at him uncertainly, uttering a quiet _thank you_.

“Rest now, Lady Anyssa. There will be plenty of time for questions and answers once you are well,” Cullen assured her. She slowly closed her eyes and fell back into a dreamless sleep. If she knew not kindness and he were trying to be a better man than he would do so with her. Swearing to himself, the commander would keep her safe and ensure her the chance to experience kindness. There was no rational explanation as to why other than the little boy he had once been still desired to protect the fair maiden from danger.


	3. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa attempts to acclimate to her new life in Thedas, learning a new language and a background provided by the Nightingale. Of course, even the best students need help every once in a while and the Commander offers his aid. In the process, the two learn a little more about each other.

She was human. That had not changed since arriving in Thedas. What had changed was her perception of what it meant to be human. Skin color, ethnicity did not necessarily carry the same weight as it had on Earth. Within human society, there was more separation between social classes than anything else. Of course there were clashes between nationalities but that was common on Earth.

Here in Thedas, humans were mixed with elves, dwarves, and Qunari. Undeniably, the elves were divided into Dalish and city. The dwarves were made up of those underground and surfacers. Then the Qunari included those that followed the Qun and those that reject it being called Tal-Vashoth. Divisions within races were to be expected but so many races not based on skin color, she had not expected. These were literally different species as it were and not the social concept from her world. To her, all peoples, no matter their skin color (and now species) should be treated with the same level of respect and dignity as every other one. They simple were biologically different. 

Anyssa sat in the Chantry in one of the alcoves lit by several small candles. Studying the papers Josephine and Leliana had given her that afternoon, she was extremely glad she had taken French in high school: four years of it and she had taken the A.P. test attempting to earn college credit. The written part she had passed, but the oral...No so much. In the end, she had taken another foreign language in college, Latin. Apparently it was something close to Tevene.

The Orlesian language was luckily almost the equivalent to French. Naturally there were a few exceptions as she was beginning to find out.. The alphabet was the same as well unlike the king's tongue or common that everyone spoke. It sounded English to her, but the alphabet was completely different. It was just one more thing she was having to learn if she were going to survive in Thedas. They weren’t really sure she would ever make it back to Earth anyway.

Regardless of the differences and how fascinated she was by them, she needed to focus and at least learn the cover story the two advisors had provided for her. They had warned her it was a work in progress and caution was to be used with anyone she spoke to who was not aware of her origins. Anyssa sighed as she racked her brain for some of the unfamiliar words.

Sounding out the words quietly, she believed no one would notice her in the nearly deserted chantry. Only the ambassador remained in her office. A few runners now and again as the Antivan woman worked into the late evening hours. She wrinkled her nose at the word that she presumed was a proper noun. A name of a school? It was followed by the Orlesian/French word for _University_ …

"Mark...no. it's marquehamm...Why is it--" she let out a quiet growl as she closed her eyes. Why did it have to be so hard? This was the kind of thing she had studied, what she had trained to do…

"Universite de Marqueham," a quiet voice said from beside her.

Startled, she snapped open her eyes to see the Commander bending down next to her. She must have looked alarmed because he began to apologize. "Forgive me. I did not mean to surprise you. I came to get a little work done and I saw you here…"

Anyssa recovered quickly as she gathered the papers. "I was going over the papers Sister Leliana and Lady Josephine gave me."

"They are in Orlesian," he noted with disdain.

"I can't read the common tongue," she admitted averting her eyes in embarrassment.

He made a noise of surprise as she made to leave. “Forgive me, Lady McBride. I... You seemed to have trouble with a few words."

She nodded silently. Offering in a sincere tone, he said, "Perhaps you would join me in the war room, and I could help you?"

Her eyes finally met his. "You speak Orlesian?"

He sighed. "The Order sees to a Templars education. Because the Divine is in Val Royeaux we are taught Orlesian. Perhaps I can finally put it to good use."

He gave her a half smile was he gestured to the war room. "My lady?"

She nodded as she followed him. "Thank you."

***********

“You speak Orlesian and can write Tevene?” Cullen asked in awe.

“Yes. But on my world they are called French and Latin respectively, with noticeable exceptions. Latin is a dead language on Earth too.”

“But you cannot read the common language?” He asked gently. It had become abundantly clear that she was embarrassed by that deficiency.

“I don’t even recognize the alphabet from anything on Earth. I’m not a linguist by trade but I dealt with enough artifacts from several cultures and nothing is familiar,” she said in frustration.

As Cullen studied the map on the table, he rubbed his chin in thought. “We can communicate with you in written form using Orlesian. That is not too terribly uncommon especially since you are a scholar, but you need to learn the common alphabet. Perhaps a written equivalency can be made? That would be a start.”

“I doubt they have the same number of letters or that they all represent the same thing,” she said.

“Unfortunately you are correct…” he mused as his eyes fell on Val Royeaux. “The Chant of Light has been translated into many languages. What of a side by side comparison between one in common and one in Orlesian? You could learn the language and about the Chant at the same time. If anyone asks, you are simply reading the Chant as any devote Andrastian would.”

Anyssa arched an eyebrow at the Commander. “While I believe that idea would work, have you accomplished anything you meant to do since you found me in the main hall?”

He gave her a cheeky grin. “Not really. But this needed to be handled and I am glad to be of service.”

Anyssa nodded her thanks as he looked back to the map. “Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to know the locations of the places the Nightingale has alluded to you having been to in your past?”

“Alright,” she agreed as she moved near him allowing him to give her a virtual tour of her new life.

*********

“The elven and dwarven cultures have thousands of years of history. How are humans so much more numerous than both?” Anyssa asked as she pointed to different areas and Cullen did his best to answer her.

“Well, the dwarves face the dangers of the deep roads and dark spawn daily as well as the presence of the taint that supposedly lowers their birth rate,” the Commander replied as he leaned against the table. “The elves were decimated by the Tevinter Empire. There are whispers that the elves experienced in fighting that did nothing to help with that. Now they are scattered clans or confined to alienages in the larger cities.”

“But how are humans so prevalent when their history in Thedas is so much less?”

“There are suggestions that our race migrated here from the north,” Cullen replied smirking at her.

“But that means humans took over the majority of the culture, society, land, resources in a short amount of time…” Anyssa trailed off as she noticed his expression. “Why are you looking at me that way?”

“Because this is the most excited and least shy I’ve seen you since you came to us,” he replied. “You really _are_ a scholar aren’t you?”

She nodded. “Yes. I’m a historian by training. I...I didn’t mean to take up so much of your time.”

“Do not apologize. It is refreshing to talk about something aside from troop movements and training,” Cullen replies. “I... History has always been an interest of mine.”

She looked at him shyly. “Really? You aren’t just saying that?”

Cullen shook his head. “I really do enjoy history. I have books in my quarters if you need proof. I was more prone to read a book instead of going to the tavern during my time as a Templar. Rylen could vouch for some of that.”

Anyssa looked at him. He had literally saved her life, but he was a soldier. So much of what she had seen of him so far was training recruits, strategizing army movements, and providing military advice to the other advisors. Tonight she had seen a different side, a gentle, helpful side. And maybe a glimmer of humor? She supposed he would have to be human after all but most only saw him as the Commander. Was he allowing her to see more?

She looked at the map behind him. “Why...why are you being so nice to me? Aren’t I just in the way? I don’t have any usable skills to offer the Inquisition in exchange for sheltering me.”

“Is there a reason I shouldn’t be?” He countered.

“I—“

“And as for your usefulness, I am currently training _farmers_ to be soldiers,” Cullen interjected. “I also would not call your education an unusable skill. It makes you suitable to help Josephine with her duties as well as dealing with the nobility.”

He gave her a small smile. “You will have to acclimate yourself to Thedas but there are those willing to help you, including me.”

She took in his words and his offer. It had been a long time since she had accepted help and longer since it had been offered. His motives and sincerity seemed to be true. Could things—people, a _person_ be different here? He seemed to be nothing like Bryan…

“I—I would like that,” she finally said.

A wide grin was her reward. “As would I,” he replied softly, a shy tone to his voice.

“Really?” she asked again.

“Yes, my lady,” he replied with a nod. “I very much would like to.”

She returned his smile as she looked down at the papers that detailed her new life. Maybe learning to be human in Thedas could mean learning how to start over. Maybe people like Cullen could help make that happen. Maybe she could...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a side note but these stories were originally inspired by the 30 days of Dragon Age prompt from Tumblr. I obviously added more prompts which turned into this full fledged MGIT. Anyssa's journey is a small reflection of somethings I went through. That being said, if anyone reading is going through anything remotely like what she went through before arriving in Thedas, please talk to someone, reach out to someone. Any kind of abuse (emotional, mental, physical, verbal) is NEVER okay. Get help and get out. There are people who can help. And take care of yourselves.


	4. Notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Cullen battles his lyrium withdrawal alone, he realizes that it has unexpected effects on those around him. Specifically, the Earth woman whom has caught his attention. What he doesn't count on is the way Anyssa responds.

His head hurt. It had all day. No amount of wishing would make it go away. He’d take an elf root potion, but he didn’t want to seem weak in front of his men. He had taken them before, and gossip had spread about him being ill. He would endure it as he had endured everything else.

What he couldn’t endure was the look of trepidation on Anyssa’s face. She had seen him barking at the recruits, growling out orders at officers that were not carried out quickly enough, and snapping at messengers that could have simply left reports on his desk. He had tried to reign in his irritability when she had handed off some reports from Josephine to him; he knew he hadn’t been successful.

She had flinched. It hasn’t been the first time. He never yelled at her or said anything unkind. He was just short with her. One-word answers or a nod of the head. No eye contact. He didn’t have the patience to indulge in her innocent questions, nor did he feel worthy of her presence.

Cullen spent the remaining time after drills and before the evening meal alone in the command tent. He attempted to mull over reports but reading only made it worse. With nothing to preoccupy his mind, his thoughts wandered.

He had made promises to himself as well as others that he would help end the Mage-Templar War. He would help bring the Divine’s killer to justice. He would help end the chaos that had spread across Thedas.

It had all started in Kirkwall, under his watch. He had watched as Mage-Templar relations slowly crumbled, ending only with an apostate destroying the Chantry and killing the Grand Cleric while his Knight-Commander succumbed to red lyrium and the Circle’s most senior Enchanter retaliated with blood magic. So many innocent lives had been lost just on that one night, he wondered if those that still called the city home would ever truly recover.

He glanced down at his hands. The other reason he had not been able to work on his reports. They shook. The shaking had started fairly recently and did not last long. It wasn’t a violent motion but enough that it made reading harder to do. Holding a sword during practice hadn’t been affected yet but that was sure to change over time. He knew whatever he was experiencing now would in all likelihood grow worse before it got better.

He would endure it. He would endure it all. He had to. To prove not to anyone else, but to himself that he could do it. That he could be a better man, no longer leashed to the Chantry or the Order. That he could have his life back and make better decisions on his own. That he hadn’t lost everything to the Order. That he still lived.

He would live to atone for his mistakes. He would live to make sure no one else paid for his mistakes. He would stand against the chaos, so others did not have to. He would protect as he had wanted to as a child. He would finally be able to live his dream even when the nightmares said otherwise.

He had made mistakes. He had done things or let things happened that should never have occurred. He had let his fear and anger control him for so long. The Inquisition would be different. There would be those that would never see him as anything other than a former Templar, a monster. A part of him couldn’t blame them; on his darkest days that was what he believed as well. But the part that still believed and trusted in the Maker said he had been given a second chance for a reason, and he had a duty to make it better. And he would or he would die trying.

The sound of a small commotion just outside the tent broke him from his thoughts. Just as he turned to get up he watched as a small basket covered by a cloth was slid in between the tent flaps. In the next instance he heard light footsteps scurry away. Tired as he was Cullen resisted the urge to chase after the bearer of the delivery. Instead he walked the four steps to the basket and picked it up. He studied it. There was nothing official looking about it.

Frowning he moved back to his desk holding the bundle in his lap. Peeling back the cloth he saw a folded note on top of everything. He opened it and saw a note written in common. The strokes of the quill were deliberate as if the person writing had concentrated very hard on each letter, each word. Even without glancing at the signature he knew it was from Anyssa.

_Commander Cullen,_

_I know this is none of my business but for the kindness you have shown me please accept this. I know near to nothing if Theodosian medicine, but I can tell when someone is in pain. Headaches most likely. Adan was kind enough to mix up a stronger potion than normal elf root. If it works, he said he would make more (after I agreed to help organize his workspace.) Solas was more accommodating. The tea provided helps with headaches and sleep. If you do not wish to use either, I understand and will not take offense. I simply wanted to help you like you have helped me._

_Lady Anyssa McBride_

He set the note aside and uncovered the rest of the basket’s contents. Two bottles of potion with directions on how and when to take them as well as a small box of herbal tea with instructions. He hadn’t scared her off. He had worried her. Could she really be worried for him or just want to return the kindness as stated in her note? Either way he felt gratitude. No one had taken an interest in him personally in years save Cassandra. She had actually asked him what he wanted, what he hoped to accomplish, what he felt he should do. No one had done that in a very long time. Everyone had simply assumed they knew.

Setting the basket on his desk, he went about straightening the command tent quickly. Once satisfied, Cullen took the bundle under arm and headed to his cabin to retire. He would try the things Anyssa had gathered for him. If nothing else, it made him feel better that another person paid enough attention to notice his discomfort. Though he had no intention of revealing the true source of it.

********

_Lady Anyssa,_

_My heartfelt thanks for you unexpected delivery last night. I know my demeanor often makes it appear that I do not seem thankful for such things. I know I was unjustifiably short with you yesterday and was not the first time. I sincerely apologize. I will endeavor to do better, my lady. I have need of improvement in several areas but this I will try my hardest._

_The potion worked unexpectedly well. I suppose it is for the worst of my headaches as Adan instructed. Aided by Solas’ tea I managed a better night’s rest. They may have provided the remedies, but you provided the means to see myself improve. I’m sure the whole of Haven owes you their gratitude for you efforts to placate my disagreeable behavior._

_I am grateful. I am not sure I have ever told anyone that aside from perhaps Cassandra and meant it. You took notice of my situation and sought a solution without expecting any sort of reward or favor. You need never repay my kindness as you put it, but it gladdens my heart that you took the time._

_This note has become much longer than I intended but I find myself wanting to make sure your gesture was unexpected but very appreciated. If you are available later, I would like to convey to you personally my thanks._

_Commander Cullen_

_(I greatly appreciate the effort it took for you to compose your note in common. You have come so far in such a short time. I know you will continue to do well.)_

Anyssa clutched the note to her chest, knowing her cheeks had to be burning. No one had thanked her like that in a very long time. She couldn’t help the grin that threatened to spread across her face. The note was so genuine just like him. A feeling of warmth bloomed in her soul as Josephine looked up from her desk. “What has you smiling so, Lady Anyssa? Surely the Commander is not sending you love notes.”

“Oh, no!” McBride replied quickly, the grin remaining in place. “Just thanking me for attending to a matter for him. Just a friendly note.”


	5. Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Anyssa continues to learn how to live in Thedas, Cullen takes a personal interest in the background the Nightingale has created for her only to be called out by the Herald. For him, it's not normal to take such an interest in a single member of any organization he has served in. Trevelyan points out Anyssa is different and that's okay.

Cullen sat staring at the more detailed background Leliana and Josephine had created for Anyssa McBride. It was the beginnings of her childhood, parents, family--something to explain her accent that made it clear she was Fereldan. He was not sure why they had chosen that nationality, but it rather illogically made him proud.

_You smile because you know how much just being around her affects you, Rutherford._

“You smile a lot whenever she is mentioned,” Evelyn Trevelyan observed teasingly. “Especially when you think she is not looking.”

He exhaled sharply. The Herald had taken an interest in McBride and he worried it was beyond friendship. The Free Marcher was known to fancy women which inherently he had no problems with. His concern was the fact Anyssa wasn't ready for a relationship especially considering what he knew of her past. Instead he stated, “Lady Anyssa is a remarkable resilient woman who has seen more hardship than anyone should. She is making amazing progress acclimating to Thedas. Why is that not enough reason to smile?”

Evie laughed. “If you think I'm going to pursue her I assure you I'm not. My focus is on an Antivan noble who enjoys frilly things…There is nothing stopping _you_ though.”

“Maker's breath!” He sputtered out. “Why-- I can't-- I couldn't... She's been here a matter of weeks and is completely overwhelmed. She is immensely embarrassed she can't read common and doesn't know our history, our culture or our societal norms. She struggles and gets angry with herself. She's afraid she will slip up and expose her true identity and place us all at risk. We try to warn her about the dangers, but we don't do enough to help her combat them. _I_ don't do enough.”

Trevelyan looked at him thoughtfully. “I don't think I've heard you talk that passionately about anything aside from your reasons for leaving the Templars to join the Inquisition or our cause.”

Cullen felt his ears turn red. He had not meant to be so passionate in his response. Each day Anyssa remained among them his desire to see her safe and thrive in her new circumstances grew. He still had no rational reason why.

“I... I feel some responsibility for her beyond what my duties dictate.”

Evie nodded with a grin. “You do realize she seeks your counsel on things more than others? It must be all those books you have. I've discovered she's a real bookworm.”

“She may borrow books from my small collection.”

“You have a bookshelf full and most are in _common_ ,” Evie pointed out. “You read to her.”

Cullen shook his head violently. “I do not... we take a page at a time... so she can learn.”

Evie arched and eyebrow skeptically.

“A side-by-side comparison of an Orlesian version of the Chant and common can only go so far Herald,” the Commander insisted.

Her expression softened. “You're helping because you genuinely want to.”

“Yes,” he admitted automatically.

“You know it's perfectly normal and reasonable to take a fancy to a woman right?” The herald noted. “I certainly do.”

He sighed not liking the way the discussion was going. “I'm a soldier, Herald. Either as a Templar or Commander of the Inquisition army. My purpose has always been to safeguard others from danger, whether from magic, demons, or other people. _I protect_. That is what I do, what I understand... personal feelings, relationships are not necessary to do that. Taking a fancy to a woman is not in my plans as it were.”

Evie laughed loudly. “ _Plans_? No one plans to fall for anyone. Especially not the right one Commander.”

“I'm not selecting a sword Herald,” Cullen snapped back. “I'm a soldier and have no time for fantasies... I deal with command decision that can potentially affect hundreds if not thousands of lives. After Kirkwall I must do better. I must focus on protecting those the Chantry has forsaken.”

“I understand that, but does she not need protection as well?”

“I have promised... to keep her safe.”

“When?”

He reluctantly admitted, “The second night she was amongst us.”

“Wow. Varric had it pegged the night you two spent in the war room,” Trevelyan observed. “You work faster than we give you credit for.”

“Maker's breath it's not like that!” he protested firmly. “I... she needs the help... I offered and... she sees more at ease around me.”

He trailed at the last few words realizing how it sounded. He sighed and lowered his eyes. He had taken a personal interest in Anyssa McBride. Either because he had rescued her or because of something else he had yet to figure out. Perhaps it was even both.

“Hey, look Cullen,” Evie offered quietly. “Whatever it is, I think it's a good thing. She needs someone she can trust and that just so happens to be you. Maybe that can be a good thing for you too.”

Cullen held his head in his hands. “How can I have promised to protect her when I have so much I must atone for? Kirkwall. Kinloch Hold. How can she trust me as you say she does when I was a man who let horrible things happen? How—"

“Because you aren't that man any longer. The fact you are here with the Inquisition speaks to that,” Evie said. “She knows you _now_ , the man you've wanted to be.”

“I'm a soldier. What do I know—I cannot put one individual above hundreds or thousands of others.”

“I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to continue what you have been doing and not be ashamed of it or reconsider it,” Evie said. “Plus helping a pretty woman is always nice.”

“I have never said—"

“She needs to hear it. Whatever happened before has shattered her confidence and self-worth. If you can't admit it to her face that she is pretty, be a gentleman and compliment her bookworm tendencies. She's quite proud of her ability to learn things really quickly.”

“I may have some knowledge of that.”

“Good. You can show off more of your learned side and less soldier side with her then. I have a feeling she likes men with intelligence.”

“Maker will you please leave your insinuations—"

“Fine but I'm right.”

He sighed but said nothing. Returning his attention to the background documents he realized he wanted to help her; he wanted to help her learn about her new life. He wanted to talk with her about anything, everything. He wanted her to see him as more than a soldier. He wanted to be more than a soldier. That didn't have to define him solely anymore. But what would? Only time will tell.


	6. Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When some soldiers begin making inappropriate comments about Anyssa, Cullen's response is swift. His anger quickly follows but is tempered by Anyssa who shares something of herself with him. The result is the two discovering they have something in common and Cullen thinking someone is adorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****possible trigger warning****  
> This chapter makes references to lewd comments made by soldier's towards Anyssa. References to Cullen's thoughts on Anyssa's past victimization are also made. I tried to not be too graphic with this but be aware. If this makes you uncomfortable, please do not read.

Cullen watched as Anyssa wrote in a journal. It looked like it was the same as Orlesian, but the combination of letters made no sense to him. She had told him the language was English on her world or common in Thedas. Of course, use the alphabet she was still learning. Leliana had expressed an interest in using English as an encrypted language for her spy network. Anyssa had said maybe once she was more comfortable with common.

He looked back at the report in his hand, trying to decide if he had been too harsh on the men who had made inappropriate comments about Anyssa after morning drills she’d delivered reports and messages from Josephine and Leliana, talk for a brief moment, and returned the Chantry. The men had not been green recruits; they had been seasoned city-guards, soldiers, and Templars. They should have known better.

Cullen fisted his left hand as he clinched his jaw. He signed the order for them to be reassigned to the Fallow Mire. He felt totally justified in the order as he remembered their words.

_She has a nice ass. Probably gives it up easy to._

_The Quiet Ones always do. I'm sure she'd beg for it._

_You know to keep warm at all. Little thing like that not having a man to properly care for her._

Pressing his seal to the parchment he glanced up to see ice eyes looking back. He swallowed hoping his expression did not reveal his anger. “Anyssa, is something wrong?”

“I should ask you that,” she said softly.

He looked at her in surprise. “What do you—"

“I lived with a man for almost two years he was angry... I know the signs,” she explained, becoming tense. “But your anger is controlled, hidden. I don't want to be afraid of you but…”

Cullen closed his eyes as he opened his fist. He took several deep breaths. “I am not angry with you... I do not wish you to fear me. My past make certain things hard to ignore and I struggle to keep my temper in check.”

He opened his eyes looking at her in earnest. “I have never struck a woman out of anger or otherwise. I could never... I would never hurt you.”

“I want to believe that,” she replied softly as he saw her relax. “You...have been very kind and accommodating.”

She lowered her eyes as he asked, “You... you do not believe I am doing this simply out of duty do you?”

“Why.... do you... why did you make the promise to keep me safe? You didn't know me... you still don't really know me now,” McBride asked as she fiddled with the pages of her journal.

Cullen had seen such behavior before. Mages taken to the Circle who believed it was a better choice than being an apostate. They struggled with the kindness and understanding other senior mages showed them. They didn't think they were worth such things. Their magic was used as a curse not a gift. He had been a part of that problem in The Gallows.

But Anyssa believed she was not worth such considerations simply because of who she was. The man, Bryan, had seen fit to utterly destroy her self-confidence and sense self. The abuse to his knowledge had been verbal and emotional. The man inflicted more damage with words than Anyssa would ever admit. To be frank the former Templar was still in awe at the fact she trusted him at all.

“I would like to know you better Anyssa,” he admitted softly, slowly shifting towards her. “I think you might want that too otherwise you would not be here.”

He waited for a response, understanding she needed to take her time. He had never pressured her to share anything, only offered to listen. He knew all too well how difficult it was to share a past marred by traumatic events. He knew that some people had begun talk about them. About the amount of time they had begun to spend together but Anyssa seemed oblivious to it or simply didn't care.

He did. He cared very much. He didn't want it to interfere with the slow measured progress she had begun to make. He still had no rational reason for his protective urges towards her except that knowing what he did about her past, there was no way he could allow it to happen again.

Not knowing what she was thinking, only noticing her continued uncertainty, Evelyn's words came back to him. The Herald said to appeal to her intellect, her love of learning and knowledge.

Hesitantly he noted, “You have been pouring over every Orlesian text we have regardless of the subject matter. I have noticed you talking to Josephine and Mother Giselle about different things as well. I know it must be overwhelming to have to learn a new history, but you seem to thrive doing so.”

Ice blue eyes shyly glanced back up at him. “I like it.”

Her voice was small but genuine. He could not help the grin that tugged at his lips. She was adorable when she was shy and genuine at the same time.

_Maker's breath! When was the last time I thought anything, or anyone was adorable?_

Aloud he asked, “Does it come easy to you? You seem in your element as it were. The most frustrated I have seen you was when you attempted to pronounce the University of Markham in Orlesian.”

“I... I like history, learning new things about different people and cultures,” Anyssa answered as she straightened up.

Cullen put away his reports focusing solely on her. “I know you are far away from home but in some ways this must be an exciting opportunity for you.”

He saw a shadow pass over her features and then it was gone. He mentally kicked himself for mentioning home. “Anyssa I'm sorry. I did not mean to bring up—"

“It's not that exactly,” she interjected quickly. He watched her glance passed him as if trying to figure out how best to explain. “It-- I'm not used to anyone taking an interest in what I know let alone noticing what I like... what interests me... He never did, not after it all changed.”

The Commander resisted the urge to ball his hands into fists again. He would not show anger, not when she was opening up to him. Instead he said offering something of himself, “I have always enjoyed history. I frequently borrowed books from the Circle’s library to read in my free time... I am not as learned as yourself, but I enjoy learning new things.”

He watched as she wore an expression of relief that he glossed over her last statement. “You don't have to have a fancy education to understand history... I was under the impression a Templar education was one of the best anyway.”

“It is generally considered as such especially for someone who hails from a commoner background,” he confirmed. “But you have advanced studies.”

Anyssa shook her head. “I don't want to... I mean I would just like to talk about things... to get used to talking about them…”

“Certainly,” Cullen said more eagerly than he meant to sound. “I would like that as well.”

He paused as a thought occurred to him. “Would you indulge my curiosity this once?”

She furrowed her brow. “It.... depends on what you want.”

“A tale from your world. A fairy tale if you will,” he quickly clarified.

“A fairy tale?” She echoed uncertainly.

Cullen knew he had to be turning red. “Well ,ah, yes. You studied history and you have come across some of Thedas’ legends and myths based on historical facts. I... I am curious to know if your world has to same.”

He trailed as her expression became unreadable. He took a breath. “Forgive me. I asked too much. Your home is far away and all I have been able to do is remind you of that.”

Anyssa whispered, “Maybe being far away is better in this case.”

He glanced up to see her looking back once again. “Anyssa?”

“I could tell you about a legend that might be based loosely on a historical figure,” she offered a little louder.

He perked up automatically. “You would?”

She nodded smiling as at his enthusiasm. “Yes. It is a tale of kings, royal successions, magic, and an enchanted sword called Excalibur, a council of knights, a beautiful queen, a magical kingdom called Camelot, an evil sorceress and wise magician and a civil war.”

“Sorceress and magician?” Cullen echoed in confusion.

Anyssa giggled. “My world’s version of powerful mages, except fiction. Earth doesn't have magic like your world does.”

“Oh. But you mentioned the council of knights,” he said, his curiosity piqued as he felt a lightness fill his being. Hearing her giggle made him giddy. He couldn't remember the last time anything made him feel that way. He held on to the unfamiliar feeling hoping he continued to experience it in the future.

Anyssa oblivious to his epiphany went on. “Yes. The Knights of the Round Table but that is later in the story. It's all based on a man named Arthur Pendragon…”


	7. Common

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the short time, Anyssa had been in Haven she had learned a great many things about her new circumstances. Some were easy to understand; others--not so much. The division between Common and Noble was one of them. Thanks to the Commander, she comes to appreciate the former more than the latter.

"You were born to the common class weren't you?" Anyssa McBride asked from beside him outside Haven's Chantry. Ambassador Montilyet had just introduced the latest noble who laid claim to Haven, hoping to either get rid of the Inquisition or to benefit from its presence.

He frowned without looking down at her. He stood nearly half a head taller than her which she had learned to use to her advantage. Whenever something or someone was unfamiliar she had taken to hiding behind him, very much out of sight both because of his height and the bulk of his armor. She had at least come out from behind him as the noble walked away to the spymaster's tent.

"Yes. Is that a problem?" Cullen asked wondering where the Earth woman was going with her question. Not being from Thedas, she often asked about things he took for granted on a daily basis.

"Good," the quiet woman replied simply as she turned to head back to the Chantry.

"Good?" he echoed.

"Yes," she said. "It means you aren't an insufferable ass by birth."

Her reply gave him pause. On the one hand he could take that to simply mean she was glad he was not a noble and agreed with his view on them. On the other hand, her comment could be taken as a back handed compliment. It could mean she thought he was an ass but glad he was one by choice and not by birth. In the few short weeks she had been with them she had never said anything like that before. Curiosity got the better of him as he began to follow her.

She slowed her pace when she noticed him following her. " Can I help you, Commander?"

He narrowed his eyes. She knew why he was following. The quiet, reserved woman he had pulled from a lake, that had arrived in Thedas through a rift was attempting to get a rise out of him. He would never have thought…

"Lady Anyssa, if I did not know better I would think you were trying to goad me into some sort of unseemly response."

"Thank goodness, Commander, that you know better. What would I have to gain by such an act?"

He laughed at her comment, just a quiet chuckle. He watched as she turned her ice blue eyes to him, a small grin on her lips. "You are more than you seem, my lady."

"Some of us are," she agreed. "I just don't understand the nobility and their aloof attitudes while your world is in chaos. Who cares who owns the land if the people on it are the only ones willing to do something to end all the conflicts?"

Cullen nodded. "I wish more people held that attitude."

She was silent for a moment as she glanced around the small village. "Was it very difficult being of the common class?"

He looked at her. Her expression held no malice or arrogance. She truly wanted to know. He swallowed as memories of his childhood came back to him. Most happy. It was a stark difference from the memories of the past ten years. "In a way no, because that was all I knew until I went to the Templars for training. Looking back, I know what my parents truly struggled to do for myself and my siblings. They were farmers but they owned the land. It made a difference. Others where not so fortunate. I see it every day when new recruits come. They livelihoods destroyed. They have nowhere else to go…"

"Anything I say is going to sound crass," she muttered as she turned from him.

He frowned again. He had noticed that she averted her eyes or completely turned away from whomever she was speaking to whenever she felt her words or thoughts on something were no good enough. So far he had found nothing she said or thought to be unworthy of being said aloud.

Quietly he asked, " What did you want to say?"

She looked up at him uncertainly. "I... it’s just that everyone here that I know who came from the common class, the ones who aren't noble by birth are for the most part more noble in spirit. If it weren't for them the Inquisition wouldn’t exist let alone be able to function as it does."

He knew she was smiling but said nothing as she continued, more confident, "Being common here seems to mean knowing the value of hard work, of appreciating what you have, appreciating who you have...You seem to at least."

Her last words caught him off guard. He felt heat in his cheeks as he involuntarily reached for his neck. It was his turn to avert his eyes. "I ...well thank you. I... certainly did not obtain my position by birth. I'd like to think I worked hard for it."

He chanced a glance back at her. He found her smiling at him shyly. "I'm glad you are the Commander and not one of them."

Cullen lowered his hand. " So my being common is not a problem for you?"

Anyssa shook her head. "No. You are not a problem...you are different."

"Different?"

She took a breath. "It doesn't matter...what I mean to say is that you are better than some men I've know from before. I am glad you are nothing like them."

Cullen knew she was referring to men from Earth but was not aware of the exact context. He decided to skip over that part and instead change tactics. "So as long as I am not like them or like a noble, I have your approval to be an insufferable commoner ass by choice?"

He was rewarded by seeing her cheeks flush pink. "I-- I didn't mean…"

"I know, Lady Anyssa," he offered quickly. "I apologize for attempting to tease you."

She took a breath, her calmness returning. Her eyes flickered from the snow-covered group to his chest plate several times. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she next spoke. "I wouldn't mind the occasional teasing if it came from a certain common born Commander."

He grinned, finding himself delighted to hear that quiet confession. "Even if that commoner born Commander is an insufferable ass?"

She looked up to finally meet his gaze. "As long as he is an ass to nobles and not me."

" _That_ my lady can be arranged, especially if you would like to be in attendance."

"Yes. I think I would."

He gave her a wicked grin, as he made another promise to her. "As my lady wishes."


	8. Warden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa continues to learn how to live in Thedas as Warden Blackwall offers his own take on her situation. What he says causes her to reconsider her circumstances.

Anyssa watched as Harrit and his people hammered out new equipment and armor the growing Inquisition needed. Cullen had tried to explain the process, but his words did no justice to actually watching it. She had studied such things in school even gone to re-enactments, but they paled in comparison to a real blacksmith. They were equivalent to the ones of the medieval era on Earth. She stood mesmerized for how long she did not know.

A somewhat gruff voice shattered her focus. “I was unaware a scholar would take such interest in the blacksmithing arts, Lady McBride.”

It was Warden-Constable Blackwall who had taken up residence near the blacksmith. She glanced at him. The man was an enigma. Chivalrous but raunchy at the same time. Sincerity and a staunch belief in the necessity of the Wardens laced his every fiber. Still something remained hidden behind the persona Varric had dubbed “Hero.”

“I have never actually seen a true blacksmith in action before. I have studied it but that is never a good substitute for seeing the real thing,” she explained quietly. Members of the inner circle knew of her true origins, but others simply thought she was an educated historian who had been requested by Divine Justinia to chronicle the Conclave.

The bearded man nodded. “You have many things to discover. I suppose then.”

It was her turn to nod. “I...I was actually wondering about the Wardens. I have heard stories about the Fifth Blight and how a Grey Warden sits on Ferelden’s throne. But those things are romanticized. They are important but I wonder…”

“Yes, milady?” Blackwall replied. She would never get used to being called a lady. Everyone did it, well except Sera, Varric, and Bull. Varric only used it as a tease.

“May we walk?” she asked quietly, her eyes darting around at the others.

The Warden followed her gaze and realized she did not want to say something in front of others that would compromise the story Leliana and Josephine had created for her. He motioned to the trail that led to one of the trebuchets Cullen went on about and an abandoned mining entrance. “Of course, Lady McBride.”

“You don’t have to call me that.” she protested as they began walking.

“Lady Anyssa then?” he offered with a dubious grin.

“That’s the best I’m going to get?”  
  


“Yes.”

She sighed as they walked. Looking up at the Breach she refocused her thoughts. “I understand the overarching need for the Wardens and what they do. But why are _you_ a Warden?”

Blackwall cocked his head as he studied her. His beard made it hard to read him sometimes, and Anyssa had never been good at that. Her first impression of her now ex-boyfriend was evidence of that. The Warden’s eyes though…

Finally he said, “I was in a bad place when I was conscripted into the Order. I had no direction, no sense of self, no sense of worth, no sense of belonging. My previous life stripped me of those. Being a Warden gave it all back and more.”

She furrowed her brow. It wasn’t for glory or fame or status or power. “But you were conscripted? You didn’t volunteer?”

He gave her a full-on belly laugh. “I was a friggin’ ass when the recruiting Warden found me. I laughed in his face until I got into a bit of trouble. The only way out was to join the Wardens.”

“So you didn’t believe in their cause in the beginning?”  
  


“Oh, I knew they were necessary. I just didn’t think I would be a part of it or that I would come to care for the Order as I do. That’s why I recruit now. To find others who are not living up to their potential and can make a difference.”

“And that was okay with you...after everything?”

“Yes once I got my head out of my ass and realized I could do more than drink myself into a stupor.”

“You are happy then?”

“I am... content with the fact I can make a difference and can help find where the rest went...Sometimes the biggest changes bring the biggest rewards...even when they are unexpected.”

“So I should just accept the fact I’m going to be called ‘Lady’ for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, but it does fit you, _Lady_ Anyssa, better than it has many of the noble women I have known both before being a Warden and since...You embody the essence of what a lady _should_ be.”

“You barely know me Warden Blackwall…”

“I have seen your actions, milady. You are selfless. Offering aid to those you do not know despite your own situation. You are more than you believe, Lady Anyssa.”

She knew she was blushing as they headed back to the village. She knew being a Warden required a tremendous amount of change for the one becoming the Warden. Perhaps, Blackwall was right and they did have more in common. Change could make things better as long as you decided to embrace it. Could she be like a conscripted Warden and embrace the change that had been forced upon her?


	9. Hawke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric educates Anyssa on nicknames, being yourself, and one of the younger Hawke siblings. Cullen joins in, offering his own advice as Anyssa discovers a little bit of happiness she had thought lost.

“You remind me of Hawke when they first came to Kirkwall,” Varric Tethras noted as Anyssa sat across from him one night at his customary fire. The Haven Chantry loomed over them from above as the fire popped. She had taken to writing in a journal, chronicling her experiences and things that she needed to ask further about. Being an author, Varric had taken an interest in her experiences. When time allowed, usually after the evening meal they talked. Sometimes alone, sometimes with others joining in.

“Hawke? The Champion of Kirkwall I hear so much about? Just about as much as the Hero of Ferelden,” Anyssa asked incredulously. “How could I possibly do that? I’m just me.”

“That’s what Hawke always said or her sister away. Bethany never saw herself as anything more than a mage hiding from Templars...until she voluntarily joined the Circle,” Varric clarified as he wrote something down in his own book.

“She was a mage and she voluntarily went to the Circle? And the Gallows at that?” Anyssa asked disbelievingly. “But everything I’ve heard about the Gallows made it sounds—”

“Horrible,” a now familiar baritone voice finished from behind her.

She turned to find Cullen Rutherford standing just a few feet away. His golden eyes met hers briefly as he nodded. “Lady Anyssa. Varric.”

“Oh hey, Curly! Didn’t think to see you out amongst the regular people at this time of night,” the dwarf teased. She had come to learn that the two shared as teasing relationship built upon their time in Kirkwall, especially since the Mage Rebellion. “Why don’t you sit down. I was telling Icy about Sunshine.”

Anyssa blinked as the nicknames the merchant used. She still wasn’t clear on hers totally. Cullen glanced at her and motioned to sit beside her. She nodded as he took a seat a respectable distance from her. There was enough room for Sera to sit there. Proper to a fault, he gave her a small grin. “Thank you.”

He turned to the author. “What exactly were you telling Lady Anyssa about Mistress Bethany?”

McBride made a face at the use of the title she still wasn’t used to as Varric commented with a laugh, “She really doesn’t like you calling her that.”

“Bethany never gave me the indication she disliked—”

“Well, she did, and I wasn’t talking about Sunshine,” the dwarf interrupted as he pointed at the honey blonde. “Icy, there, makes a face every time someone calls her _Lady_ , especially if they know the truth.”

Anyssa’s eye went wide as she squeaked, “It’s okay. Really! I have to play along…”

“You do not like being addressed by that title?” Cullen asked seriously as he turned to her. His expression was one of mild shock. Was it really so surprising to him that she would not want to be addressed by something that meant nothing to her?

The Earth woman simply nodded her head, uttering no words of explanation.

“Why have you not said anything?”

“Because we--I have…People say I need to keep up appearances. I have a part to play and so I need to cooperate,” she stated softly, averting her gaze to the fire.

“Varric calls you Icy…”

“Umm, yeah. About that Curly, it’s still _not_ her _name_ ,” the dwarf noted with a smirk.

Rutherford gave him a sidelong glance as he snapped, “I know that, dwarf.”

“I just…” she started but stopped, not used to stating what she wanted, especially after her last relationship and the expectations her background story had placed on her.

“Just what?” Cullen urged.

Anyssa shook her head, refusing to answer. Even the pleading expression of the Commander did not change her mind. Finally Varric spoke up. “You know Sunshine--Bethany— used to not say what she wanted either. She was simply happy to follow her sister around, trying to keep their family safe and stay out of the Templars’ grasp. I don’t think she really ever allowed herself to consider what she wanted...until Hawke didn’t take her into the Deep Roads with us.”

“Why?” Anyssa asked in a small voice.

Varric looked to Cullen as he answered, “She felt she was a burden to those around her because of her magic. She was naturally shy but having to hide who she really was only made it worse. She didn’t think her wants were important enough to give a voice to. Not until she made the choice to go to the Circle.”

“She volunteered?” she asked glancing between Varric and Cullen.

“Yes,” the author confirmed as his eyes fell on Cullen. “She thought she would be less of a burden to her family then...Turns out it was good for her. She found herself.”

Anyssa frowned. “Turning herself into the worse Circle there was turned out to be good for her?”

“The Gallows presents trials to anyone who goes there, but Bethany excelled with her magic, becoming a Senior Enchanter during her time there,” the Commander replied with an earnest tone. “She was always kind, even to the Templars. She was shy at first then just seemed to find an inner strength. She lobbied for better teaching practices, more resources to educate the mages on the dangers of possession and blood magic. She paid special attention to the youngest mages, making sure they were cared for but also knew that their magic could cause harm but did not have to. She was... _is_ an amazing woman, with or without magic.”

“But I’m nothing like that…” Anyssa protested noting the awe in the Commander’s voice when he spoke of Bethany Hawke.

“If you mean you aren’t a mage, yeah. That’s obvious,” Varric said with a smirk. “But you and Sunshine both think you are second. That others should come before you because you are a burden or something silly like that.”

“It’s _not_ silly!” she exclaimed loudly. “I don’t belong here. I don’t know anything. I don’t know this world and I am reliant on others. I am a burden...just like I was on Earth.”

“You could not be more wrong,” Cullen replied. “You help anyone you needs it. Even if you cannot do it directly you find someone who can. You aid the healers constantly. You run errands for Josephine. You help Mother Giselle in many capacities. You fill in the holes that we as advisors do not always see. You are far from a burden, Anyssa.”

She knew she perked up at the use of her first name. “I just help.”

“Exactly, Icy,” Varric confirm. “So did Sunshine, but she eventually found a way to help that _meant_ something to her.”

Anyssa looked down at her lap, her own journal resting on her thighs. Could she do the same? The way Varric talked he thought she could, so did Cullen. But why the nickname? “But if you think I can then way call me Icy? Doesn’t that mean I’m standoffish?”

“Maybe to some, but not to the ones you let know you,” the dwarf said. “It’s a play on your shyness. Plus you have ice blue eyes and…”

Cullen glared at the other as if knowing what he was going to say. “A certain former Knight-Commander pulled you from the ice-covered lake. It all works if you just think about it.”

“A little _too_ well,” Cullen muttered as he turned back to Anyssa. “You are valued here. Never think you must hide what you want. I will call you by your given name unless decorum dictates otherwise.”

“Yeah, Maker forbid you go against decorum, curly.”

Rutherford let out an exasperated sigh. “It seems we both have nicknames we don’t particularly agree with.”

“Did Bethany like hers?”

“After a while she came around to it,” Varric replied. “But she certainly had her days went it wasn’t all sunshine and puppies.”

Anyssa chewed her lip as Cullen murmured, “Nothing in Kirkwall was ever sunshine and puppies.”

She turned to look at him. “What about now?”  
  


He stared at her; unaware she had heard him. “I...Well, Haven is usually snow-covered and cloudy…”

He trailed when he saw her glare. “Ah, well truthfully there is certainly more to be thankful for here. I have been blessed to be where I am now.”

“What about Bethany?”

“She left the Circle in search of her sister about the time I left the Order…”

“Maybe you and Sunshine can meet up one day and compare notes on Curly...See how he’s changed and how he hasn’t,” Varric offered with a smirk.

“ _Dwarf_ ,” the Commander warned.

Anyssa giggled as she watched the two argue over what Bethany would have said if she saw Cullen now. She didn’t know the woman but apparently the lesser known Hawke had still made an impact on those she met. Anyssa wondered if she had on Earth and if she would in Thedas. Or was that simply the wishful thinking of a woman who had been alone for too long?


	10. Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa is given a present by Cullen seemingly out of the blue. The result is both of them discovering that somethings once thought to be awful might actually be good afterall.

Anyssa supposed it started when the Commander began to make it a habit to make sure she had a shawl or wrap or cloak or coat of some sort. Then it evolved into making sure she had gloves then a hat or something to cover her head. Eventually she was told by the Ambassador that he had asked if she had everything she needed to stay warm at night, bedding, and such. She asked Josephine if the Commander took such interest in all the residents of Haven. The Antivan woman simply grinned and assured Anyssa that she was the sole focus of the former Templar’s attention.

Months later and coming to know him better, she knew that he had taken on the matter of her safety as a personal responsibility. She had once been brave enough to ask him if that were the case and he said he was responsible for everyone’s wellbeing in Haven. Finding herself disappointed with the answer she had merely nodded and turned away. She was used to no one taking an interest in her specifically unless it suited them. She had begun to walk away when he stopped her. Golden eyes had met her ice blue ones as he admitted softly, “While I would be saddened at something happening to anyone under my charge, if anything were to happen to _you_ I would be...heartbroken.”

Now weeks later, the same golden eyes looked at her now as he extended a package towards her. It was wrapped in brown paper and tied off with twine. Snow was beginning to fall yet again as they stood near the practice field. Training was over for the day and many had retreated indoors for the evening meal. Cullen had stopped her on her way to do just that, saying he needed to speak with her. Instead once they reached the empty practice area, he had wordlessly shoved the package at her.

She knew she was regarding him with a confused expression, but she couldn’t help it. His reply was to rub the back of his neck and say, “It’s for you.”

Anyssa nodded, knowing that he was nervous. The neck rub gave it away. It was a thing he did with increasing frequency around her. It was endearing and adorable and she had no idea why she made him nervous. He was the Commander of the Inquisition’s army. A former Knight-Commander. Fierce and imposing to everyone including her sometimes and he was nervous around _her_.

She untied the knot and peeled back the paper to reveal blue fabric. Frowning she pulled the cloth out of its bundle to reveal a light blue scarf of significant length. She turned it over in her hands. There was no way it had come from Haven; the dye alone for the cloth was not readily available in the village. The type of cloth was not standard issue either.

“I--I’m sorry...I thought you might like it. It is alright if you do not. I can take it back and get something else or…” He reached out to take the scarf from her.

“ _No_!” she exclaimed jerking the item from him startling them both. In a more even voice, she added, “No, I...I _like_ it. Don’t take it. _Please_.”

Cullen blinked as he replied, “I...I won’t...It’s just that the look on your face…I thought you did not like it.”

She chewed her bottom lip. “It wasn’t that.”

“Then what caused you to look pained?” he asked quietly.

Anyssa glanced at him. “It’s been a long time since I was given something that the person was nervous about giving me.”

He cocked his head. “I care very much whether you like it or not, Anyssa.”

She gave him a shy smile as she took her gloves off. Feeling the fabric, she murmured, “It’s so soft. It looks like wool but--”

“It _is_ wool, but it has been specially treated to make it not... _itch_ ,” he explained returning her shy grin. “I know how you hate scratchy fabric.”

“I’m sorry. On my world things aren’t so rough,” she replied as she studied it further.

Cullen chuckled. “Then you wouldn’t like most warrior hands. Sword practice makes them calloused.”

She glanced at his hands. She knew he spoke the truth; she had seen his hands only a few times without gloves. Callouses or no, warrior or no, he was still one of the most gentle men she had ever known. “Those callouses mean you can protect though, not just hurt people.”

Cullen flexed his hands involuntarily. “All I’ve ever genuinely wanted to do is protect. But that desire was perverted by anger and rage for many years. I would do better while I serve the Inquisition.”

She remained quiet as he looked up to the Breach above. She watched his profile as he worked his jaw. She wasn’t certain if he were angry or not. He had strove to keep his emotions in check ever since she’d first met him. She supposed it was a habit that existed long before her arrival.

Finally she asked, “Why light blue?”

He jerked his head back to her. “I...I... That is I thought it would match your eyes...You have pretty eyes.”

She watched as his face reddened and he began fidgeting with his sword pommel. She made no effort to hide the smile that spread across her face. “I...I... Thank you.”

Anyssa averted her eyes when he began smiling back, his hands finally settling on the pommel. She knew he meant it but was not accustom to someone actually meaning their compliment. Nerves and anxiety began to overwhelm her as she realized he might really care for her. It thrilled her and scared her at the same time.

She felt her scarf being taken from her. She glanced up to see Cullen with a tender expression on his handsome features as he wrapped the scarf around her neck. As he adjusted it, he said, “I know you do not like snow or the cold. I thought this might help a little. Everything else you possess is out of necessity. _This_...I had hoped this would be something you had that might mean something.”

The snow had begun to fall harder in the short time they had been standing there. Watching as it stuck to the Commander’s hair, she murmured, “It does.”

A genuine smile graced his features as he ran a hand through his hair. She giggled as it fell out of its usual styled state. A few stray locked falling across his brow. “I like to hear you laugh.”

It was her turn to blush as he pointed at her hands, “You should put your gloves back on. It’s getting colder. We may be in for a snow storm.”

She complied with his request as he began leading her back into the walls of Haven. “Would you mind having dinner with me? I don’t know how else to thank you.”

“Wearing it and the fact you like it is enough,” he replied. “Maybe one day you can see parts of Ferelden that aren’t snow covered.”

“They exist?” she asked with a hint of teasing in her voice.

Cullen made a face. “Yes. They exist despite what everyone else states. I could perhaps take you someday…”

She caught a pink tinge to his cheeks as they neared the gates. “You would do that?”

“Yes. I believe I would. You aren’t the only one who dislikes snow,” he quipped.

She nodded and then a stray thought came to her. “If there had been no snow and cold on my world or yours I might now be here.”

Cullen made a sound of deep thought. “I do not believe I like that scenario. I might have to be thankful for snow and cold then.”

She saw the corner of his mouth turn up into the slightest of grin, but he refused to say more. Maybe he had the right idea. She decided to focus on dinner with Cullen instead but knew that thought would always be in the back of her mind now. Snow and cold weren’t so bad after all.


	11. Old Tales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unknown to one another, both Anyssa and Cullen suffer from nightmares. One particularly bad night in Haven, they find each other and are able to help the other chase the nightmares aware. At least for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****maybe a trigger warning???****  
> This chapter only makes very vague references to Anyssa's past with Bryan and Cullen's time at Kinloch Hold. It is nothing explicit but just be aware.

Anyssa walked the deserted paths within the confines of Haven. She had been in Thedas for almost three months and the nightmares still plagued her. Being chased by Bryan, falling into the lake, being hit by the man she thought in the beginning to be a good person, his loud voice, the green light from the rift, demons pouring out as Cullen rescued her. It never happened exactly as it had in reality. She had read somewhere, probably in one of her psychology classes that dreams were thought to assist in memory formation and problem solving. Another theory simply suggested they resulted from random parts of the brain activating.

On the other hand Sigmund Freud had developed a whole theory about how dreams revealed insight into hidden desires and emotions. She remembered it had turned into the psychological discipline of psychoanalysis. While not as popular on Earth now it was still thought to be somewhat valid by some. He explained dreams as manifestations of one's deepest desires and anxieties, often relating to repressed childhood memories or obsessions. The part that she decided to ignore was that through all of it, Freud suggested that it was a form of sexual release.

How the hell was being chased by a crazy ex-boyfriend into a frozen lake sexy? She had nearly died because of it and certainly had no desire to be a sexy corpse. Of course the whole thing had resulted in her rescue by a very handsome and attractive man. He was nice and kind and caring to boot. If she wanted to draw connections that _weren’t_ there, she could try to rationalize that fate had literally forced her into the arms of that man.

_Stop it_ , she told herself closing her eyes. _He is just doing his job, his duty. He saved your sorry ass because you ran onto the lake and fell through. If you had left Bryan earlier it wouldn’t have happened. If you hadn’t been so afraid you would still be on Earth. If you hadn’t let fear rule your life, things would be different._

But she wouldn’t be in Thedas…

“Anyssa?” a concerned voice called out to her.

Snapping her eyes opened she saw the Commander walking towards her. He was only in a linen shirt and breeches. She wore a coat and the scarf he had given her. Granted it was a mild night for Haven, but it was still the middle of a Ferelden winter which was much colder than anything she had experienced on Earth. As he neared she could see he had been asleep, but his hair looked damp. It wasn’t snowing. Had he been sweating?

“Com--I mean Cullen, what...why are you up?” she asked as he came to stand in front of her.

He gave her a half grin. “I could ask you the same, my lady.”

She pursued her lips. He had begun to tease her when they were in private about a month ago. It wasn’t something that she had noticed him doing with anyone else. Perhaps it was simply to help put her at ease, but something told her it was more. “I couldn’t sleep.”

He titled his head to the side. “Does something trouble you?”

She took a breath. “I...have nightmares. They don’t make any sense. I suppose they aren’t supposed to. It doesn’t happen every night but...I don’t much care for them.”

Cullen made a noise of agreement. “I understand that....I have them too.”

She looked up at him. “Is that why you are awake?”

He simply nodded as he glanced up at the Breach. The eerie green glow was something she would never get used to. She followed his gaze as they silently stood there for a long time. Finally she admitted in a small voice, “I’m afraid that the nightmares will be real when I wake up and I’ll be back on Earth…with him.”

She felt his powerful gaze on her as she continued to look up into the green sky, the night lit by Thedas’ two moons. His baritone voice was soft as he spoke. “Fear can compel one to dread many things; things that we rationally know won’t or _can’t_ happen....I--You mustn’t let that fear rule you. If you do, you will not recognize who you are later…”

Anyssa found herself frowning as she turned back to him, his golden eyes locked with hers. He was speaking from experience. Were the rumors, the murmurs she heard about the village true? He had spoken only vaguely of his past which was within his rights, but she suddenly wanted to know more.

“What...Have you done something you wish you hadn’t because you were afraid?” she asked timidly.

He worked his jaw for several moments, considering how to answer her. “I endured trials during my time at Ferelden’s Circle that colored my actions in Kirkwall. I deeply regret the man I let my fear make me and I am ashamed that it took my Knight-Commander going mad to make me fully realize how far I had fallen. The Inquisition is my chance to atone, to be a better man. I will not allow my fear of magic and its dangers to pervert me into something I never wished to be.”

She chewed on her bottom lip as she watched him, seemingly waiting for her response. How could she be critical of his past when she hadn’t been there? She hadn’t known him then and she didn’t have all the facts. He was kind to her now, watched over her, had saved her life. The man she knew was remorseful of his actions and was genuinely attempting to be better. “Do...do you think the nightmares will ever go away?”

He shook his head. “I have had them for years...since Kinloch Hold...I would think yours would eventually disappear but this man you speak of...Bryan...How could he have done something so awful to you that it causes you nightmares? Was he not the one you were courting?”

“I thought he was...He was so charming in the beginning and then I let him control me...I still do and he’s a world away?’ she admitted. “How does that make sense?”

“It doesn’t but it still occurs,” Cullen replied. “I know that feeling all too well.”

“I want it to go away,” she murmured as she looked at the snow.

She knew Cullen was looking at her, but she could not meet his gaze. He must think her so weak, letting a man from another world control her. HIs fears were surely more tangible. He was a warrior, the Commander of the Inquisition's army. He was so strong and yet he was trying to reassure her, saying he had nightmares too. But he feared irrational things as well…

His voice broke through her doubts and anxieties as he began telling her a story.

_“The armies of Andraste and Maferath gathered in the West. And the Prophet went alone into the mountains to sing to the Maker. She would take no one but Justina and Maferath with her._

_They climbed until they came to a hanging valley with a small lake, very still and clear and perfectly reflecting they sky, and there Beloved Andraste said they would rest. She sat down on the lakeshore and said to her dear companions, “Wait with me, my friends. And whatever happens, have not fear.” Then she began to sing._

_As she sang, the mountains bent to listen. Stars came down from the heavens to be near her. Birds and beasts of every variety came forth and knelt at Andraste’s feet. Justinia and Maferath witnessed this and were afraid._

_Then from the sheer cliffs a great wyvern appeared, baring its fangs and drowning out the Prophet’s song with its roars. The beat descended the cliffs like a thunderbolt from the sky. Maferath drew his sword and struck at the wyvern, slicing off part of its hood._

_But the Prophet put her hand on Maferath’s sword arms and stopped him. The wyvern came to Andraste’s feet and knelt, and when it rose, it left blood on the ground, dripping from the would Maferath had given it. And Maferath was ashamed that he had given in to fear despite Andraste’s words. He drew his hand along the blade of his sword, spilling his own blood and adding it to the wyvern’s acknowledgement, and then vanished as swiftly as it had appeared.”_

She looked up at him. He seemed to be lost in a world far away as he completed the story. His expression changed ever so slightly as he looked down at her. “My mother used to tell us stories before bed. Sometimes they were just the fairytales every child hears. Sometimes they had a purpose, an attempt to teach us a life lesson.”

Anyssa heard the wistful tone to his voice. “You miss them. Your family.”

“I suppose I do, but I can’t see them again until I do better,” he murmured looking away.

“Did you tell me that story because you feel like you are Maferath? You’re ashamed of the actions you took out of fear?” She asked quietly, fully expecting him to not answer.

Instead he nodded. “I made horrible mistakes because of fear. I do not want the same for you. You were afraid on your world but choose to stay with a man not worthy of you because you feared what he would do if you left him. What would become of you if you left. You could have died...Running from him the way you did could have killed you and I would never have...that is you would never have come to us.”

She noticed the change of pronoun as he began rubbing the back of his neck. A nervous tick she had come to recognize. Was he nervous admitting he was glad to have met her? But his other woes struck a chord with her. She had been afraid, and the fear caused her to remain in a potentially dangerous situation. He was right; she could have died.

Thedas had opened her eyes to how far she had let her life on Earth be controlled by fear. If this really were a second chance she couldn’t continue like that.

“I...I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want my fear to lead me down that same path where I feel helpless, where someone else has the control. And I just let them.”

“The Inquisition is my second chance. A chance to atone for the actions I committed out of fear,” Cullen said as he looked at her. “The Inquisition could be _your_ second chance. To have the kind of life you want, the one you deserve. I could help...that is if you don’t find a way back…”

He was right. She could use Thedas as a second chance. But he wanted to help her? It could have been a trick of the eerie green light, but she thought he was blushing.

She smiled at him shyly. “I would like that... _with_ your help.”

His whole essence lit up at her words. “I would be honored, Anyssa. Whatever you need, you have but to ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's story (Andraste and the Wyvern) is found in the Dragon Age World of Thedas Vol. 2 on page 207. It is taken word for word from the section called "The Seer's Yarn: A Treasury of Tales for Children All Over.


	12. New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is well aware that Anyssa still feels like an outsider and that no one pays attention to her. Determined to show her how wrong she is, he leaves a present for her anonymously. Of course, she figures out the sender and becomes one step closer to believing that with the right person she can matter.

_“Are you appropriating supplies as well?”_

_Anyssa nodded with a sigh. “Yes. Just getting the rations for the next month. Nothing like harsh soap to use during a lukewarm bath…it makes my hair brittle and smell like… I don’t know what. I just want...”_

_She trailed off, looking away. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m grateful for what I have…”_

_Cullen looked at his own soap and personal supplies. He had the same rations as she except for the pomade he used for his hair. And that was a special case. He had secured a method for securing it outside of normal channels._

_“You are accustomed to something different perhaps?” He asked as they gathered their supplies and began walking from the supply tent. “Something more fragrant or feminine?”_

_He noticed her continued silence and avoidance of any eye contact as they walked. Cullen took a breath. He didn’t know what to do. He knew women like Josephine and Vivienne. Perhaps even Leliana. But he was not sure of Anyssa. They had spoken mostly of academic endeavors, Fereldan history, Thedosian culture, and Earth myths and legends. He had never thought to inquire about some of her more_ personal _preferences._

_He cleared his throat. “Ah...I don’t know...I mean that is...What kind of soap did you use on your world?”_

_She glanced up at him quickly and then away. “It doesn’t matter…”_

_“It matters to me,” he replied quickly._

_Ice blue eyes glanced up once more. He hoped she would not look away this time. He repeated praying he words reached through her doubts. “It matters to me. You matter to me.”_

_Her eyes never left his. He watched as she bit her lip. He resisted the urge to say anything, waiting for her to say something. Anything._

_“Cherry blossom.”_

_He blinked not sure he heard her. Anyssa was soft spoken to begin with but this was quiet even for her. He felt himself smile just a bit. He whispered, “Thank you...I —"_

_“Did you mean it?”_

_Her sudden question confused him. “Mean what?”_

_She shook her head. “Never mind. Thank you for listening to my ramblings. I will see you later.”_

_He watched as she left him, heading quickly to her cabin. It wasn’t until after she disappeared that he realized what her question had been about. He shook his head. Of course he had meant it. Why couldn’t she believe that?_

_**********_

That had been months ago. Since then Cullen had been able to secure the scarf for her. That had been accomplished with the help of Josephine after he noticed her refusal to use a scarf issued to her unless it was unbearably cold out. Now the light blue garment seemed to be a part of her daily wardrobe regardless if the weather necessitated it or not.

His initial idea only bore fruit today. Nearly three months later. Trevelyan’s travels to the opposite end of Ferelden had been the reason he’d asked for a favor. Of course the Herald wanted to know why he needed such a thing. Begrudgingly he told her at which point the noble woman promised not to utter a word to anyone. So far no one said anything to him about it, so he was left to assume the Herald was able to keep her word.

Cullen looked down at the bundle he carried. It was wrapped in a simple white cloth he had found, tied off with twine. It was nothing fancy, but he hoped it would do. He wasn’t even sure she would remember their conversation all those months ago, but he had. Knowing Anyssa was in a meeting with Josephine and would be for some time, Cullen had taken the opportunity to excuse himself from morning drills for just a little while.

Rylen gave him a look but said nothing. Cullen felt almost giddy. He thought that might be the word. It was still a new feeling for him. Excitement tempered with caution. What if it wasn’t right? What if she didn’t want it? What if she thought someone else had given it to her?

He shook his head. He had elected to leave the present for her in her cabin without a note so she would feel no pressure to reciprocate. He would not back down from his plan now. He truly only wanted to see her smile, just as she had when she accepted the scarf from him.

That was even new for him. Wanting to see a specific person smile. But that person had come to mean a great deal to him, and he was still unsure how to show her. Or if he even should. He was not the man he wanted to be yet. She deserved better but he could ensure she smiled for now. A new smile, a genuine one for as long as he were capable.

*********

“Cullen?”

He heard a quiet familiar voice call from just outside the command tent. It was Anyssa. He hadn’t seen her since breakfast. Now it was well passed the evening meal. Apparently he had gotten wrapped up in paperwork and lost track of time again. Only to himself would he admit that she had been looking for a distraction, too nervous to find Anyssa to see her reaction to what he’d left in her cabin.

Using his commander voice just a little softer he said, “Enter.”

He turned to see the Earth woman walk through the flap with a small bundle in her hands, _his_ bundle. He willed his eyes to settle on her and not around the tent. He wanted to see her reaction but was hesitant. His doubts threatening to surface.

“Anyssa, what brings you here at this hour?” he asked as evenly as possible.

“ _You_...I think,” she replied softly, her ice blue eyes falling to his paperwork. “But you’re busy. I can come back.”

She turned to leave. He didn’t want that. He wanted her to stay. Without a thought he touched her forearm lightly, having learned not to grab her arm least she become frightened. “Nyssa, what is it? I always have time for you. You know this.”

She nodded. “I do...I...You _remembered_.”

She finally looked at him, genuine surprise and confusion in her eyes. “You always remember what I say no matter how trivial. _Why_?”

He frowned as he stood up. “Maker, why wouldn’t I?”

She blinked. “Because no one—"

“Stop, Nyssa. You know that is no longer true,” he said firmly coming to stand in front of her. “This maybe a new life but things are different. They are different for all of us.”

Anyssa remained silent but did not look away as he continued, “You have people who care for you here. People who would see you happy and protected. You matter a great deal to them. To _me_.”

She bit her bottom lip again as he reiterated, “You matter to me.”

“Why?” She murmured as she hugged the bundle to her chest.

He swallowed. He still wasn’t clear on that himself. But she needed an answer…

“I—I don’t know. You just are,” he whispered. “Please, Nyssa. Please believe me.”

“I believe you,” she murmured. “I just found this in my cabin, and you were the only one I could think of that might know…”

“I remembered and thought you should have something nice. Something that wasn’t necessary, maybe frivolous given our situation,” he explained as he began to ramble. “The scarf and _this_ was what came to mind… It took longer to find the soap. Cherries don’t grow in the southern part of Ferelden. Too cold. Highever and Amaranthine have the better climate and the Herald was gracious enough to find it when her travels allowed. With all the fighting, it seems to be in short supply…”

He paused noticing the smile that was beginning to spread across her lovely features. She said, “I suppose I will use it sparingly then.”

“Oh, no. You don’t have to. The Herald has secured a supplier. Just let her or I know, and we can procure more,” Cullen answered quickly. “You can smell like cherry blossoms anytime you want. I wouldn’t mind.”

Cullen clamped his mouth shut as soon as he realized what he’d said. He averted his eyes to bore a hole through the tent canvas behind her. How could he have said that? What was he thinking? She had every reason to run away with him coming off like some sort of creepy suitor.

Instead she stayed, glancing up at him. He risked a quick peek down at her and only saw her smiling, her cheeks flushed. He looked away quickly as he stammered, “Forgive my forwardness. I only meant to give you something nice…”

He stopped when he heard her move closer to him, her free hand resting on his arm. Soft warm lips touched his stubbled cheek in a short chaste kiss. Cullen turned back to her and she fell back on to her feet, having risen on tip toe to reach him. “Wh-what was that for? Why—"

“To thank you,” she replied quietly, her natural shyness returning. “For the shampoo, for the scarf, for your help, for everything...For being you.”

Without thinking he reached out a hand to caress her cheek. Once again he was surprised by his actions. As he began to remove his hand, fearing she would be scared at the contact, the former Templar found himself more surprised when she leaned into his touch. Freezing in mid-motion he watched her. “Nyssa?”

“I don’t know why you care either but I’m grateful every day that you do.”

Her sincere words shattered any apprehension that remained about touching her. He brought her into a full embrace as he realized everything with Anyssa was new. Not just for her but for him as well. She brought back so many things he thought he had lost once he had joined the Templars. Experiencing these things with her was exhilarating and invigorating at the same time. But if it made her smile and happy he would keep on doing whatever he could. And maybe somewhere along the way he would discover why she mattered like she did. Until then he was content with the knowledge she mattered at all.


	13. Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen volunteers to inform Anyssa of Solas' findings regarding the possibility of her return to Earth. Her reaction surprises him which prompts him to make another promise to her.

_“There is no obvious way home for Lady Anyssa at this time. Everything we have learned of the rifts, albeit small, points to the original rift she arrived through. The Herald closed it of course. Reopening a rift is dangerous in the first place. Attempting to send someone through it is near suicide. More research is needed but I regret to inform you that her chances of returning to her world are very small.”_

The apostate mage’s words rang in Cullen’s ear as he departed the War Council. The other Advisors remained to talk to the Herald about what image she should continue to project as the Herald of Andraste. It was a subject he had little interest in. Why would he care what a bunch of stuffed shirt nobles thought? He agreed with Anyssa. They were insufferable asses. He would never admit that in the Ambassador’s presence. He had learned that long ago.

As he carried the newest stack of reports about the templar and mage activities in the Hinterlands, he took a breath. He had volunteered to inform her of Solas’ findings. He wasn’t entirely sure what her reaction would be. She seemed to miss portions of her home world but at the same time she was enthralled with Thedas. How did one tell someone that they could never go home?

Even in Kirkwall after the Blight when thousands of Fereldans sought refuge in the Free Marches, they still had the option to go back to their homeland. It may not have been the best option, but it was still doable. Anyssa would have to remain there, in Thedas living a life that wasn’t hers by choice. Then again what he knew of her life on Earth, that hadn’t been much by her choice either.

“Commander?” called a Nevarran voice off to side.

He turned to see Seeker Pentaghast walk up to him. He paused long enough for her to catch up. “Seeker. How may I help you?”

“You are going to tell her?” she asked getting straight to the point. She knew. Of course she knew.

“I... volunteered to inform Lady McBride,” he replied flexing his hand.

“You are not just going to blurt it out to her are you?” Cassandra asked with genuine concern. “She has been through so much! You cannot just walk up to her and say you will never return home and leave it at that.”

He looked at her baffled. The two women had never been very close, but the Seeker was pleading for him to be thoughtful as he informed the woman of what had been found. He knew Cassandra had a softer side that she guarded fiercely but this was still surprising.

“Cassandra, are you concerned for Anyssa?” he asked attempting to hide his grin.

She let out a disgusted noise. “I only meant to say that she had proven herself to be a friend of the Inquisition and deserves to be treated as such.”

He frowned noting the awe in the woman’s voice. “You admire her? She’s not a warrior, Cassandra.”

“Am I only allowed to admire someone because of their warrior stance, their weapons proficiency, their battles won? I am more than just a warrior. I know how to appreciate when someone is attempting to overcome a great trial. Look at all the effort and work she has put into learning how to survive here and how much she helps the Inquisition in any way she can? What is there not to admire?”

Cullen nodded, agreeing with his friend. “I assure you, Cassandra, I will address this subject with the utmost care...I have no wish to see her hurt.”

Cassandra nodded as she turned to leave. “I expected as much, Cullen. I only felt honor bound to say something. I am your friend...and she seems _important_ to you.”

As she walked away, he murmured unsure whether the Seeker heard him or not, he admitted, “She is.”

*********

He waited until that evening to approach her. It was after the evening meal when he found her leaving Varric’s fire. Cullen had lingered off to the side waiting for the moment she would be alone. He had no wish to stir up more rumors than already ran rampant through Haven nor did he want to tell her with an audience.

As she walked towards her small cabin, he moved quickly to catch up with her. He called out so as not to startle her. “Anyssa!”

She paused glancing his way. “Cullen! I haven’t seen you since this morning. Is something the matter?”

“I...I need to speak with you,” he said quietly.

“Cullen? What’s wrong?” she asked her voice full of concern. Her expression one of worry.

He took a breath. This would be harder than he thought. “I would like to speak with you alone...It is...personal.”

She frowned but nodded as she quickly led him to her cabin. Once they entered, she closed the door behind them, asking, “Cullen, is something wrong? Are you alright?”

She thought there was something wrong with _him_. To distract himself, he went to the hearth. She still needed help starting a fire, one thing that continued to give her trouble. Using it as an excuse, he attempted to buy himself a few moments to collect his thoughts. How could he tell her? How could anyone tell another person such a thing?

After several minutes of silence and a newly started fire, she called out to him, “Cullen, you’re starting to scare me.”

He glanced back as her from where he knelt down in front of the fireplace. He sighed. He hadn’t meant to frighten her. Standing up he turned back to the fire, resting a forearm on the mantle. “I am sorry. It was not my intention. I was meant to tell you something...I learned something this morning...about you.”

“About me?” Anyssa asked she asked in surprise. “What could you learn that I haven’t told you...unless it has something to do with...Cullen, do know something about how I got here or how I can--”

He looked back at her. His expression must have told her all she needed to know. Before he could say anything, she said, “I see.”

“Nyssa, I’m sorry. Solas sees no way for you to return to Earth at the present time,” he explained as he turned to her fully. “He said the only obvious way might be to reopen the rift you arrived through but not without the obvious dangers. He could not ensure your safe arrival back to Earth given the questionable nature of rifts to begin with.”

She nodded, her ice blue eyes drifting to the fire he just lit. “I guess my old life is just that then.”

He watched her as she walked to stand beside him. He couldn’t tell what she was feeling. Sometimes she was almost as good as Leliana in hiding her emotions. He followed her gaze as she continued to watch the fire. “Nyssa, I am truly sorry.”

“You don’t have to be,” she replied without looking at him much to his surprise. “I might have to work to make a new life here. It might have been a freak occurrence that brought me here. I might not ever truly fit in here. But my old life was something I don’t think I’ll miss. There are people and things that I’ll miss. Most of the people I already left behind. The things can be replaced. But I don’t have to fear him anymore…”

“Maker, Nyssa, you should never had to fear anyone. No one should have ever treated you like that...like you were some possession, something that didn’t deserve to be respected, loved, cared for, valued.”

He watched as she looked up at him, her expression one of shock. He felt his cheeks flush. _Maker! Did I really say that?_ He meant it but he hadn’t planned on telling her that.

“You...You mean that?” she asked.

He nodded silently unable to say anything.

A shy smile spread across her face as she whispered, “Maybe leaving my old life wasn’t such a bad thing…You left your old life behind in Kirkwall. You are trying to make a better one here. Why can’t I? Granted it was a little unorthodox how I got here...”

He found himself smiling despite everything. “You...You aren’t sad that you may have to stay?”

“I might have been at first. When everything and everyone was strange, foreign. But now…” she trialed looking away again. The fire light reflecting the pink in her cheeks.

“But now?” he echoed, his curiosity overriding his normal tendency to not ask personal questions.

She nodded. “But now I like my life...even as hard as it maybe...my old life has nothing on this one.”

She looked up at him. “And you’re here.”

Cullen knew his expression reflected shock as he heard her giggle. “I...I…”

“You called me Nyssa…You’ve been calling me Nyssa…”

“I did, didn’t I? Forgive me. I--”

“No, its fine. I like it…”

“You do?”

“Yes...It’s something my old friends used to call me. It’s nice to be called that again…Especially by you.”

He smiled. “I would like to continue to call you that then. It’s pretty...like you.”

She giggled nervously. He could tell no one had told her that in a long time. She looked back at the fire as he vowed to continue to make sure her new life was better than her old. Yet one more promise he made to her without her knowledge. Maybe one day he would tell her. For now he would settle for making her life better than her old in any way he could.


	14. Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attempting to learn more useful skills, Anyssa practices cooking at the tavern. One afternoon a few members of the Inner Circle talk her into joining them at their table. A few unknown facts about Anyssa are revealed as Varric decides its the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

The tavern in Haven was run by a woman named Flissa that Leliana knew. She was kind and cheerful and indulged Anyssa in her attempts to learn some basic cooking skills common to Thedas. The historian enjoyed the tavern during the morning because she could practice but at night… Too crowded, too noisy, too rowdy. However, the afternoons were just the right balance. Occasionally she found that she could enjoy being with a small crowd she felt comfortable with.

Somehow that crowd included a Qunari, a dwarf, and a Grey Warden. And occasionally the Charger Lt. Cremisius Aclassi, more commonly known as Krem. All four were present in the tavern in the middle of the afternoon slinging back drinks, comparing adventure stories. Varric taking notes the whole time. Anyssa was done with her lessons and duties for the moment and had been talked into joining the group by Varric.

Currently she was working on her own ale in a smaller cup than the others, but she noticed how they watched her drink. It was her third mug and she felt nothing. Granted it was a cheap Fereldan ale, but she liked it. It was nothing in strength compared to whatever Bull and Krem drank.

“Hey, Icy? You’re no stranger to drinking are you?” the author asked as he smirked.

“I have some previous experience if that is what you are asking,” she replied finishing her third.

“Is that what they call it in your world?” Bull teased as he slammed his tankard down.

“Maybe,” she said as Flissa offered her another round.

“So the lady can hold her drink. What’s so unusual about that?” Blackwall asked.

“Nothing. It’s just the quiet ones you have to look out for,” Varric noted with a grin. “She could drink you under the table if she wanted.”

Anyssa eyed Bull. “Maybe not someone called _The Iron Bull_.”

The Qunari laughed. “Won’t know till you try.”

“Then I suppose I won’t know,” she replied with a half grin.

“The Commander would have a fit if he caught Lady Anyssa drinking that dragons breath shite!” Blackwall noted in a teasing tone.

Anyssa narrowed her eyes. “And why would that be?”

“Icy, you are joking right?” Varric asked seriously eyeing her intently.

“No. Why would he have a fit?”

Bull roared. “Have you not noticed how protective he is of you?”

Anyssa looked at her mug deciding not to say anything. The Iron Bull took her silence as permission to continue. “You haven’t see how he looks at you or how he glares at anyone who looks at you the wrong way? You’re a smart lady. I think you just don’t want to admit you know he pays that much attention or maybe you have a thing for guys watching you and not telling you.”

Anyssa fidgeted at his comments; the implications hitting too close to home. Her former boyfriend’s actions coming to the forefront of her mind. Of course they had no way of knowing that.

Krem who had been quiet except for a laugh here and there spoke up, “Leave her alone Chief. You know that’s not it at all. So just leave her alone.”

“And you know that how, Krem?”

“It doesn’t take a Ben-hassrath to tell what makes her uncomfortable. She’s always shying away from excessive attention and I don’t blame her. A lot of the nobles and merchants here are shitheads,” Krem replied downing his ale. “Now leave her alone or she won’t want to hang around the likes of us anymore.”

Anyssa muttered, “Thank you.”

Krem nodded. “The Chief can be a real ass sometimes, especially when he already knows the answers.”

“So no more teasing about unwanted attention,” Varric said. “In fact I say we follow Curly’s lead and keep the more unsavory types from Icy. Don’t want to make the quiet ones mad.”

Anyssa cocked her eyebrow as Blackwall chuckled. “Yeah. They come off nice and all but push too far and they have the worst tempers.”

She glared at him but said nothing. The Warden gestured with his mug. “See? The silent glare. Behind that look, she is thinking of ways to get back at us without us knowing!”

“Is Hero right, Icy? Are you plotting revenge?”

“I bet she could. She’s got that look about her.” Bull stated.

“I’d be careful. We didn’t know she could drink so much until today,” Krem warned. “She’s obviously good at keeping secrets.”

Anyssa rose to her feet without a word, clearing the table of the empty mugs and tankards. She said not a word as four pairs of eyes watched her. After a couple of long quiet minutes, the dwarf finally asked, “Not gonna as answer us, Icy? This is quiet even for you.”

She gave him the most enduring smile she could muster as she said sweetly, “I’m helping Flissa in the morning with breakfast. If you’d like to try your chances then I’d be happy to make breakfast for you gentlemen then.”

The four men watched as she disappeared into the back of the tavern without another word. Varric glanced around the table. “Gentleman, I believe our lovely lady from another world is daring us to eat her food.”

“Is that something we want to do? I mean after what we just did?” Blackwall asked.

“Unless the Commander eats it, I wouldn’t dare,” Krem said.

Bull just laughed. “I wonder if she plays cards…”

The other three groaned not willing to take the chance. Despite their reluctance to eat the tavern’s breakfast the next morning Varric began to wonder if teaching her Wicked Grace would be a good thing or would he go broke. Either way it would be an interesting time. As he’d said before the quiet ones were the ones you had to watch out for.


	15. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While not a secret, Cullen is still surprised when he discovers Anyssa likes to drink with the Bull's Chargers. His reaction to that new knowledge causes a rift between the two. Unsure how to fix it, Cullen reluctantly takes the unsolicited advise of The Iron Bull. Will it help or harm the fragile bond between them?

“You enjoy drinking with the Chargers?”

Anyssa merely nodded. The silence was palpable, but the Commander hadn't thought she would retreat in on herself. “Why did you think you would need to hide this from me?”

The honey blonde did not give him a response. Her refusal to answer with anything other than gestures was beginning to wear on his patience. “Did you believe I would scold you?”

Another nod, another avoidance of eye contact. “Why would I? I am not your keeper. Why keep this a secret for me? What else are you hiding?”

Cullen knew as soon as the words left his lips he should not have said them. Anyssa abruptly looked at him, her expression turning from one of sadness and anxiousness to failure. She bit her lower lip as she fidgeted with the sleeves of her dress.

Quickly he said, “I only meant that I thought you could trust me—"

Clearly the wrong thing to say, the Commander watched helplessly as the Earth woman fled from him. He knew she would not shed tears until she were alone. She stubbornly refused to accept help or comfort sometimes over the smallest things. This was no small thing though.

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose, racking his brain for a means to fix the problem he created. It was going to be a long day.

****

“So you made the little lady cry,” The Iron Bull stated as he stood uninvited beside Cullen during the afternoon training session. “What did you go and do that for?”

“It was not my intention to make Anyssa cry,” the Commander protested almost indignantly.

“Of course not. Why would you intentionally make the beautiful woman you have taken a fancy to cry?” the Qunari replied with a shrug.

Cullen let out a low growl as he crossed his arms. He hated it when anyone implied his relationship with Anyssa was anything more than friendship. Even if he wanted more she wasn't ready. He wasn't even sure _he_ was ready for such a thing. He had only left the Order and ceased taking lyrium during the past year.

“Please keep your speculations to yourself,” the former Templar finally said through gritted teeth.

Bull just laughed. “Whatever Cullen. But you made her cry because she drinks with the boys. They aren't taking too kindly to that.”

“I do not object to her drinking or spending time with the Chargers,” he blurted out. “I take issue with her feeling she has to hide things from me.”

Cullen took several calming breaths never having meant to blurt those thoughts out loud. He closed his eyes willing his emotions to calm down. As he centered himself, he heard Bull observe, “She values your opinion above all others here. She trusts you more than I think she's trusted anyone in a long time. That trust is still fragile though.”

Keeping his tone even, the Commander asked, “Are you implying I broke that trust by expressing my surprise she drinks and that she kept it a secret for me?”

Bull snorted. “You really don't get it do you?”

“Get what?” Cullen asked as he turned to face the Qunari. “I made her cry. I made her think—"

“That she _disappointed_ you,” the mercenary leader finished for him.

“Disappointed me? Why—"

“You really haven't noticed how she seeks your approval in damn near everything or at least your opinion. How could you miss that?”

Cullen blinked. Was that true? He began to think about all the things she had done, all the conversations they had, all the questions she'd asked. He lowered his head. The Qunari was correct. And his recent words did make it sound as if he were disappointed.

“I was so busy with making sure she was safe, protected, taken care of... I lost sight of how she might interpret my actions... or my words.”

“Then you do know she relies on you more than any other person here,” Bull said pointedly. “Apologize and enjoy a few beers with the nice lady.”

“I'm not sure—"

“She enjoys Fereldan beer. Don't know why,” Bull said as he walked away.

_Apologize and enjoy a few beers with the nice lady._

It was an idea. Not his but he was at a loss as to what to say to fix it. Maybe actions spoke louder. He was always better with actions than words anyway.

****

Cullen felt utterly idiotic as he made his way from the tavern to Anyssa's cabin. She had managed to avoid him for a day and a half. With the Earth woman seemingly determined to evade him, he opted reluctantly to follow Bull’s off-handed suggestion. With a few bottles of Fereldan beer in a cloth to obscure what they were, he made his way across Haven after the evening meal.

Right now it seemed as if the whole of Haven knew of the issues between Anyssa and himself. Or rather they knew a _version_ of the events that transpired. He was used to gossip in the barracks. The Circle had been full of it. Haven in the Inquisition was no different. He was even accustomed to rumors concerning himself especially upon his arrival in Kirkwall. The Gallows had run rampant with gossip about him for months until Meredith put her foot down.

Still it didn't bother him because it involved him, but because it included _Anyssa_. She did not need more rumors or the worry and anxiety she was sure to feel. He had caused it; he would fix it and not by sending soldiers to the Fallow Mire again-- as much as he might want to.

Ignoring stares, Cullen made his way as discreetly as possible to the small cabin. Standing before the door, he readied himself to be sent away. It would not happen. Not until his apology was made clear and he knew he still had her trust.

Knocking on the door, he waited nervously. Silently admonishing himself, he reached for the pommel of his sword. Resting his free hand there he heard a faint, “Who is it?”

“Nyssa, its Cullen,” he replied.

No response. He waited a handful of heartbeats. “I came to apologize.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity to the Commander, the door opened to reveal the honey blonde woman dressed in a blue blouse and fitted breeches wrapped in a blanket. Ice blue eyes looked up at him with uncertainly.

“You don't have to. You—"

“Were completely wrong to say what I did and am an utter fool if I continue to let things stand between us as they are,” he interrupted. He held up the bundle revealing the two bottles of beer. “I want to make things right though I am not entirely certain how. I had hoped this may be a start.”

She looked at the offer peace offering and then back to him. “You won't yell or chastise me

or—"

“You have my word Anyssa,” he promised solemnly. “I want to explain, to _understand_... why you depend on me so much.”

She nodded as she opened the door. Relief flooded his entire being as he entered her cabin. There was still hope.

*****

After an hour they had finished their beers as they discussed what had occurred. Anyssa figured out that he had gotten the idea from Bull. She said the Qunari had to have been the one to drop a hint about the Fereldan beer. Admitting it, Cullen explained that words seemed inadequate considering words caused their rift to start with. Actions were more within his comfort zone.

Currently, Anyssa was disagreeing with his last statement. “You are comfortable with actions. You are well-read and articulate. You compose your letters and reports as such. You are well-spoken when you're passionate about something, the cause you believe in... things that catch you off-guard, that fluster you, that make you angry or doubtful. _Those_ are the things that make words hard for you to find.”

Cullen could not completely disagree with her assessment. He was more dumbstruck by the fact she had pegged him so well. Quiet and shy she may be but acutely observant she was as well. It had started with the remedy she had first precured for him after she had noticed his headaches without a word from him. Apparently that had continued.

Cullen leaned forward towards her, resting his elbows on his thighs. “How do you know me so well when I detest talking about myself?”

She turned towards the fire. “It's only what I see.”

She became quiet, her eyes distance. “Nyssa what is it? Did I say something wrong again?”

Shaking her head no she glanced at him. “I am used to trying to notice details to help authenticate artifacts, paintings, relics. I fell back on that when I came here when dealing with people.”

“It made the transition easier after... Bryan. I did that with people. They aren't ancient relics. They are _people_. You are a _person_ …. I can't do that—"

“You did what you felt you had to in order to survive,” Cullen interrupted. “You came to us in an incredibly unique way with no knowledge of Thedas at all. You experienced trauma--emotional and perhaps physical, at the hands of the man who was supposed to love you... There is no easy way to recover from that.”

He paused studying her carefully. Letting himself put a voice to his thoughts, making sure she was understanding what he was trying to say. “I-- my time at Kinloch Hold did not end well. I was there when Uldred used blood magic to take over the tower. Mages and Templars alike were trapped in the upper levels... many died.. I was the only Templar who survived... I still have problems-- _issues_ because of what occurred there... I know that things will never be completely as they were before and will likely follow me the rest of my life... You are still learning how to deal with your trauma.”

Anyssa turned away, starting to draw in on herself. Cullen reached out to touch her arm lightly. “You have friends here. _Real_ ones. What you decide to tell each one is your own business. Sometimes secrets are still needed because we aren't ready to voice them yet. But know that your friends will help you. _I_ will help you and I want to learn _how_ to help you.”

She glanced down at his hand. “You already do.”

“But I... _Why_ do I Nyssa?”

Her voice was barely above a whisper. “You're real. You keep your word. You're genuine with your actions.”

“How do you know that?”

“Your eyes. No matter what expression you have to wear, your eyes always show what you really think and feel.”

He frowned. Leliana had once said something similar but he had paid it no mind. When Anyssa said it he believed it. It was his turn to look at the fire. No one had ever read him like that except his sister Mia.

“I suppose my feelings are not to be a secret from you then.”

“Cullen I didn't—"

“You don't have to explain everything to me. You have a right to privacy, and I am not a controlling man—"

“The officers under your command would beg to differ.”

“ _That_ is completely different. Regardless, I know you trust me... but just know that if you feel you need to keep something secret it's okay. I understand. Please just know I am not disappointed in you.”

“You mean that?”

He grinned. “What do my eyes tell you?”

Ice blue met golden. “You do mean it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written as a direct response to the previous chapter "Drink" when Bull, Blackwall, and Varric wonder what Cullen's reaction would be. I tried to write it as if it took place a few weeks later.


	16. Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's defends Anyssa's choice to help with everyday tasks while once again being surprised by the her attention to detail. In the end, both gain the knowledge that they are indeed worth something.

“You do realize it is unbecoming to have one of Anyssa’s station tending the laundry and preparing meals at the tavern? She has even been frequenting the Healer’s tents and the apothecary. What is she thinking?” Josephine asked genuinely perplexed at the Earth woman’s behavior.

Leliana merely wore a grin as they gathered their reports from the war table. Finding no help there, the Antivan turned to Trevelyan. “Surely _you_ can understand how this looks? The background we provided her made her a _Lady_ , a woman of standing, one with an education. Why would she engage in such activities?”

“She’s _bored_ , Josie,” Evie noted, having become friends with the new comer. “You can create a background all you like for someone, but she hasn’t seen any of Thedas beyond Haven. She can only read so many books and talk to so many people without giving anything away. She has no assigned duties. She voluntarily helps run errands for you and Leliana. She helps the Commander transcribe reports for practice. But she has _nothing_ else.”

“Bored? I could make her an assistant to me if she needs official duties. She might be suited to diplomacy…”

Cullen remained silent as the Ambassador mused to herself. He knew all too well of Anyssa’s boredom, but he also knew the true reason she engaged in the activities the Antivan found vexing. Keeping his focus on the reports as he ordered them, he did not notice three sets of eyes staring at him.

“You are unusually quiet on this matter, Commander,” the spymaster noted. “Normally you have an opinion on matters related to Anyssa. You two are… _close_ after all.”

He glanced up at the red head, fully aware that she knew the reason for Anyssa’s actions and the nature of their relationship. “The Herald is correct.”

With that simple answer he gathered up his paperwork, fully intending to leave the room. Josephine’s next comment stopped him. “Perhaps than _you_ could explain to her that what she is doing is beneath her station. It--”

“She is _not_ from here, Lady Ambassador. She is still acclimating to her new circumstances. I will _not_ prevent her from learning vital skills to survive in Thedas. She is not only learning how to simply do day to day tasks we take for granted, she is filling in where we are shorthanded. I cannot tell her she is wrong for doing that. She wants to help. I say allow her to continue to help.”

Leliana remained silent with a knowing expression as Evie added, “She _does_ have a knack for history, Josie. And some of the areas the Red Templars have been sighted are near ruins. They have been sacked as if they are looking for something. Maybe she could start taking a look at that.”

Josephine shook her head. “Anyssa is learned but her expertise is foreign to our land. How could she--”

“Her training could be useful. A fresh set of eyes on this could provide insights we may not notice because we are accustom to the history,” Leliana noted holding her chin. “She has learned our history fairly quickly.”

“She has been studying the history of Ferelden and Orlais and told me of things _I_ did not know,” Cullen observed as he felt like perhaps the Ambassador would give in to the idea.

“But she still need not do those things…”

Cullen sighed. “I cannot speak for Anyssa and her personal reasons for these tasks. I _do_ , however, know that she wants to learns and wants to help. But there is more...I cannot tell you specifics but on Earth someone shattered her sense of worth. Here she is starting to reclaim that. These tasks that you find beneath her, Ambassador, are in fact helping to build her back up. _Please_ , if not for her sake, then as a personal favor to me. Please allow her to continue.”

Josephine glanced at those around the table to see expressions supporting Cullen’s request. Josephine nodded. “I suppose she does help those we are sworn to protect and it in return helps her. I am merely concerned that it will cause her to feel as if she is _obligated_ to do such work.”

“Think of it this way, Josie,” Evie offered. “A Lady of her rank aiding those who come to the Inquisition for help without complaint. Even asking others for help in learning how to do anything is a humbling image. Put whatever spin on it you like, but she isn’t hurting anything. It could help make us look better if crafted with pretty words from a certain pretty Lady Ambassador.”

The Antivan blushed as Leliana laughed. Cullen merely shook his head as he turned to leave. “Thank you, Ambassador.”

As he reached the door, she called, “Will you tell Anyssa I would like to speak to her about this? I would like to know if she would be interested in working on this history project at least part time.”

He nodded and left the trio of woman to tease the Ambassador. He had no such desire to engage in such games. He would receive his own teasing when he met with Anyssa later for lunch. She had asked him to try one of the meals she had learned to cook. She was progressively getting better but not without some setbacks. Either way, he had promised and would endure the teasing from his officers and the possibility of food poisoning if it made her happy.

******

“I’m sorry that its ram stew. The hunting party didn’t bring back much else this last time,” Anyssa apologized as he sat at the small table in her cabin.

She sat across from him, waiting mostly patiently for his appraisal of her cooking. At first he had been apprehensive to tell her that the first vegetable soup she had made tasted rancid. He had attempted a white lie, but she intuitively knew. After receiving an unexpected dressing down by the usually shy and reserved woman, he started being more forthcoming with his opinions. She had argued that she couldn’t improve if she didn’t receive an honest answer and it just so happened that she trusted his appraisals over all others.

“I’m sure it will be fine, Nyssa,” he assured her. To tell the truth, he had smelled the stew from the path to her cabin and it had smelled delicious. A rumbling stomach reminded him that he had once again forgotten breakfast. Something she would not be happy with if she knew.

She cocked her head in mild annoyance. “You promised you’d tell me the _truth_. Coddling me before you try it doesn’t help.”

Cullen arched an eyebrow. “Are you certain you were not a commanding officer in a former life? The looks you give me and the lectures suggest you were.”

She made a face. “You want to be lectured? _Again_?”

“No, milady,” he replied with a smirk as he took a spoonful of the stew and ate it. He felt her eyes on him, looking for any signs of it being inedible. He frowned and then took another bite. _It couldn’t be. She had no knowledge of it._ He took another. _There was no mistaking it._

He looked up at her in awe. “How did you do this?”

Anyssa looked at him like he had three heads. “I prepared all the ingredients, combined them in a pot, cooked it over a fire, and added a little seasoning when it was done. Same as always.”

“ _This_ ,” he said, pointing his spoon at the bowl for emphasis, “is not the same ram stew you have prepared before.”

“Well, no. That would be impossible. I had to use a different ram…”

“ _Anyssa McBride_!” Cullen exclaimed in annoyance. “What--How did you--”

“One of the merchants that brings in food supplies travels to that part of Redcliffe now that there is an Inquisition post. I asked him to bring back some spices traditionally used there,” she explained in a quiet tone. “I offered to make sure his letters got to his family in the Free Marches.”

“Nyssa, these spices aren’t widely used in Redcliffe. They are more prevalent in Western Hills…” he observed as he looked at her. “How did you know?”

She glanced up at him. “I listen.”

He tilted his head, not quite sure he understood. “I mentioned Honnleath before but--”

“I looked on a map and asked around. You say you don’t like the Orlesian food Josie has prepared for the nobles and you say the food we have daily is adequate. You haven’t been home in 10 years. I thought maybe you would like something _from_ home, something that might mean something to you like the scarf means to me.”

He suddenly understood. She was trying to pay him back for the scarf he had gifted her a couple of months previous. He shook his head. “You need not do that.”

Her face fell at his words. Cullen realized she had taken it the wrong way as he took a breath. “I mean that I did not expect a reciprocal gift. I do very much appreciate the gesture as well as the time and effort you took with this. I _never_ thought to taste anything close to my mother’s cooking again.”

She looked up at him. “You mean that?”

He simply looked at her with a smirk. “You should eat some as well.”

She did as he finished her ram stew. He had not lied when he said it reminded him of his mother’s cooking. The fact she had surely experimented multiple times was not lost on him. She had come so far since arriving in Thedas and he was appreciative daily that he was a part of that experience.

“Josephine wants to talk to you about putting your studies to work. Since your background makes mention of your historical education we thought perhaps you could look over the activities of the Red Templars. See if there is a pattern to the sites they have been sacking we may have missed.”

She looked up from her stew. “She wants me to stop helping doesn’t she?”

Cullen let out a sigh. He should have known she would have picked up on that. “At first. The Herald and myself, I believe, have talked her out of that. She _does_ think you should have some officially assigned duties though.”

Anyssa seemed to consider what he had said as she stirred her stew. “I would like to feel like I have a job again...I like helping but--”

“To be officially acknowledged would be nice,” he finished for her.

She nodded as she finished her food. Setting his spoon aside, he said, “I appreciate everything you have done, Anyssa. Even the things that don’t directly relate to me. You are an asset to our cause. I am glad you are with us.”

“So am I,” she replied quietly, not meeting his gaze.

“Nyssa, I cannot do anything about what happened to you on Earth. I wish to the Maker I could, but I can’t...I can only speak to your presence here. You are appreciated and your worth is valued here. If not by everyone, at least by me.”

Ice blue eyes looked up at him. “I know that _now_. Maybe not when I first arrived, and I still struggle with it. But I do know it...I just--”

“Just what?”

“Do you know that you are valued and appreciated too?”

“That’s…not important.”

“It is to me. You are important to me. You are worth me spending weeks searching for those spices just to see you smile about something that reminds you of home. If I am worth it, so are you.”

She turned way, clearly embarrassed at the admission. As much as he was shocked at her words, he was equally proud that she had been able to utter them. He reached across the table and held her hand. He looked back at him with a questioning expression. He gave her a smile. “We both have a lot to learn still about our worth it appears. I suppose, perhaps we could teach each other?”

She nodded as a smile spread across her face. “I’d like that.”


	17. Celebration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Haven celebrates the close of the Breach, Anyssa's memories of her past on Earth overwhelm her. Thinking she has nothing to celebrate in a world where she doesn't belong, Cullen reminds her that everyone has something to celebrate, something to be thankful for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****possible trigger warning****  
> As usual nothing graphic. Mostly vague references to memories/emotions of Anyssa's past. As always, don't read if you are sensitive to this at all.

The Herald and her allies had been able to close the Breach, at least for the time being. The whole of Haven was celebrating the fledgling Inquisition’s victory. Anyssa supposed that they deserved it. The whole organization had worked together to accomplish a seemingly impossible goal. She still did not totally understand Thedas’ magic nor how something like the Breach could exist. Then again she still wasn’t clear on how she had arrived in Thedas to start with.

  


Solas had attempted to explain his hypothesis but even that wasn’t fully clear to her. Something about the Fade connecting all the rifts produced by the Breach and how the Fade may essentially be a portal to another plane or world. She tried to understand. She really did but it was all akin to a foreign language to her. Thedosian history, culture, customs, and even languages came more readily to her. Magic and the Fade just didn’t.

  


She walked down the steps from the main part of Haven. She just didn’t feel a part of the celebration. She didn’t feel as if she had done anything to celebrate. Four months in, and she was still essentially a foreigner despite the cover the Nightingale had made for her. A human from Ferelden whose family had dealt extensively with the dwarves of Orzammar. So much so that her accent was more dwarven then Ferelden and the merchant relationship her family supposedly had with them led to her interest in history.

  


So far it had worked but she still detested the use of the title ‘ _Lady’_ when it just didn’t feel right. Lady implied noble birth or some rank and station on a social ladder she was unfamiliar with. Having to defer to nobles and royalty made no sense to her even though she was acutely aware of their importance in Earth’s past. She could only equate what she had learned in her education with what she currently face.

  


As the sounds of celebrating faded, Anyssa realized she had ventured farther than she had intended. Beyond the practice field, almost to the lake’s edge. She froze looking at the ice covered water. Memories of her last day on Earth and her first day in Thedas rushed back to her. She had been found near a rift over the lake close to one of the stone bridges. It had been Cullen who had pulled her out of the lake and quite literally saved her life. She was sure she would have drowned if he hadn’t paused during the demon battle to save her.

  


She hadn’t been close to the lake since. Being thrown onto the ice on Earth by someone that was supposed to have loved her and then breaking through into the icy waters below. Feeling the water pull her down with no way to save herself. It had all made her deathly afraid of the frozen lake. She had avoided it for four months. Why was she here now?

  


“Anyssa?” a concerned voice called from behind her.

  


She didn’t respond. Instead she began backing up from the shore, not wanting to feel the emotions the frozen water made her remember. She squeezed her eyes shut willing the memories of her previous life to go away. The ones that had led to her arrival in Thedas. Fear, helplessness, anxiety overwhelmed her. The look on her former boyfriend’s face as he pushed her away when he slapped her flooded her mind’s eye. The look of absolute control, of knowing she couldn’t do anything against him, that she was at his mercy...It was too much.

  


She stumbled backward into something solid as her eyes shot open. Hands gripped her waist tightly. _No! It couldn’t be him! I’m not there anymore. He wasn’t--_

  


“Anyssa.” The voice wasn’t her boyfriend. It was not threatening. It was full of concern. For her?

  


She glanced over her shoulder and found golden eyes looking back. She let out a sigh of relief that sounded more like a whimper as she turned around fully, clinging to his surcoat. “ _Cullen!_ ”

  


The Commander gave her a bewildered look as he struggled to understand what was happening. “Anyssa? I thought to take a small reprieve from the festivities. I did not expect you here...What--”

  


She took ragged breaths as she felt him tentatively keep his hands on her hips. “My lady, what troubles you so?”

  


“I...I’m sorry,” she said pushing away from him. “I just--You came down here to be alone. I should go back--”

  


He let her go but followed her back up the hill. “My lady, please--”

  


“ _Don’t_ call me that. I need to--” she tried to walk faster but a gloved hand on her forearm stopped her. She didn’t know what she needed. She just wanted away from the lake.

  


“Anyssa, stop--” Cullen said as he pulled her back towards him.

  


She attempted to jerk her hand away from him. Memories of her escape from Bryan flashed through her mind unbidden. “Please let me go! Please don’t hurt me! I didn’t do anything wrong! Please!”

  


The Commander immediately let go of her arm, a look of pure horror on his face. The quick release caused Anyssa to fall backward into the snow. She looked up to see him walking toward her. “Anyssa, I would--Why would you think--Maker, I can’t hurt you. _Ever_.”

  


She made a feeble effort to slide away from him _. Cullen wasn’t him. He wasn’t Bryan. I can trust him._ _I should trust him._ “Please, don’t. I can’t. He…”

  


“He who? Did someone hurt you?” Cullen demanded gently. “Tell me I will see him punished.”

  


She shook her head _. He wouldn’t understand. He was a military man_. _The Commander. What would he understand about being tormented, taunted, belittled…_ “He isn’t here. He was on Earth. The lake...It…”

  


She watched as he glanced to his side at the frozen water. A faraway look passed over his features. “Do you really believe I am capable of hurting you? That I _would_?”

  


She said nothing. The tone of his voice sad. He glanced back in her direction. Crouching down, he held his hands out palms up for her to see. “I will _not_ hurt you. I thought you would know that by now...I do not know all of the trauma you suffered on your world, but I am not...I would not do anything…”

  


She looked into his golden eyes, the ones that always told how he really felt. How he felt about her. They didn’t lie. “I don’t belong here...But here I... He’s not here. I don’t have to face him every day.”

  


Cullen cocked his head. “What do you mean?”

  


“My boyfriend...the man I was with. He was not what I thought he was...He was controlling and abusive and frightening...He was why I fell into in the lake on Earth. I was trying to get _away_ from him...It didn’t work out quite like I meant it to.”

  


“This man...hurt you?”

  


“Yes.”

  


“Then he is no man.” He held out a hand to her. “ _Please_ let me show you I am not like that.”

  


She slowly took his hand. He had already shown her he wasn’t like that. Many times over. Why was it so hard for her to remember that? To accept it? “I know you aren’t...It’s just hard to...I _don’t_ belong here. Everyone is so happy right now and they should be. They should be celebrating but I don’t feel like I have anything to celebrate.”

  


He helped her to her feet, keeping her close. “Nothing to celebrate?”

  


“I didn’t do anything. I am just here.”

  


“ _Just here?_ You have done nothing? Maker’s breath, that is really what you believe?”

  


“I am having to _relearn_ everything. How can I help? How do _I_ have anything to celebrate?”

  


He looked at her with such a sincere expression. “You are _alive_ , Anyssa. You still draw breath by the Maker’s grace or whatever deity you believe in. You still live. You are free of that monster...You can start over. How is that not cause to celebrate?”

  


“Celebrate?” she echoed uncertainly. Could he be right?

  


“Yes, celebrate. Perhaps not as the rest of Haven does but something...And surely not near the lake…” he explained.

  


She glanced at the frozen water. She really didn’t want to be near it. His voice called to her again, “Perhaps a walk along the perimeter fence would suffice? I...I know you do not like enjoy rowdy groups…”

  


Anyssa glanced up at him. “How--”

  


“You flinch when people become to close...except when I--”

  


“You saved me.”

  


“You needed help. How could I not?”

  


“You don’t know me…” she protested weakly, very aware of how close he stood next to her.

  


“I know you as much as you have allowed me to...I would like to know you better...It is--That is only if you allow it.” The Commander sounded hopeful but uncertain. He wasn’t the confident authority figure at the moment. He was a person simply asking to genuinely get to know another person. _Her_.

  


She chewed her bottom lip. “You really want to know me better?”

  


“I--I do,” he admitted.

  


She gave him a shy grin as they began walking away from the lake. After several quiet moments, she asked, “Do you have anything to celebrate? I mean besides the obvious.”

  


Cullen followed her gesture to the sky where the Breach had been. He seemed to think for a moment. “I celebrate having a new life...A way to make amends for things I have done in my past…”

  


He added as he lowered his head in a whisper, “A chance to be a better man.”

  


“You are better than most men I have known,” she murmured making herself focus on him.

  


He glanced down at her with a surprised expression. “I don’t know--”

  


“I do,” she replied confidently to her own surprise. “It’s one of the few things I _do_ know right now.”

  


He gave her a half grin. “I suppose we both have more than we thought to celebrate.”

  


She found herself grinning back. “I guess we do.”

  


  


  


  


  



	18. Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the evacuation of Haven, Anyssa is caught in an avalanche. Will she be rescued in time or will her new life in Thedas be over before it truly begins?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter happens immediately after Chapter 17 "Celebration."

She had never been afraid of thunder. There were other more threatening things to be frightened of. But now as Anyssa stood with the survivors of Haven, a sound hundreds of times louder than any thunder clap caused her to jump.

  


Several minutes after the signal arrow had been shot off by Sister Leliana, one final volley from the last trebuchet fired. Seconds later a massive avalanche began, covering the village of Haven, the birthplace of the second Inquisition.

  


It was surreal and scary all at the same time. The snow seemed to move in slow motion as she watched it descend the mountain. A rumbling under her feet did not break her focus. She had been there for four months and now it was gone. Just like any chance of her returning to Earth. But did she ever truly want to go back to her home world?

  


Anyssa didn’t notice the stream of people rushing passed her trying put as much distance between themselves and the avalanche as possible. She was too lost in thought and awed by the destruction snow could actually do. It wasn’t until she heard a small child’s cry that she moved. Blinking her eyes, she returned to the present to see a small girl probably 3 or 4 years old standing off by herself crying for her momma.

  


Anyssa began making her way against the throng of people. Surely the child couldn’t be alone? Most of the Inquisition’s people had made it out. Maybe she was just separated from her family.

  


As she neared the girl she heard The Iron Bull call out, “Hey, little lady! Grab the kid and get moving. Cullen wants all the civilians in the middle. That includes _you_.”

  


She simply nodded as she reached the girl. Smiling the best she could she said, “I’ll help you find you mama, but we have to go.”

  


The girl looked up and then nodded. Scooping her up Anyssa opened her mouth to say something reassuring when she heard another rumble of intense thunder. Then Bull roared, “Secondary avalanche! Everybody move!”

  


Anyssa looked up in horror as she located the sound of thunder. The first avalanche had triggered a second along the path the Inquisition was using to escape. With the impending threat she began running toward the Chargers with the girl in hand. The deep snow made such an action difficult and Anyssa felt her strides slow as she attempted to reach the rest of the group. Realizing she had fallen far behind and only the Chargers and Bull were discernible in the distance she redoubled her efforts.

  


The thunderous sound from above grew ever closer as she willed herself to keep ahead of it. In a blink of an eye she knew her efforts were futile as the snow swallowed her and the girl. Falling to her knees she folded in on herself trying to keep the girl safe, a barrier between the snow and child. Insulated by the avalanche, all she could hear was the muffled sobs of the girl. Willing her own strength and courage to remain vigilant, Anyssa began humming a song from home, wrapping her blue scarf around her. As she tried to comfort the girl, she silently prayed to God, the Maker, Andraste, the elven Creators, and the Dwarven paragons. Whoever would listen that they would make it out alive.

  


‘’’’’’’’’

  


“Chief! We found ‘em!” A voice called out.

  


A ray of light from a torch filtered through the snow.

  


“Pull ‘em out boys! You waiting for an invitation?”

  


“On it chief!”

  


“Stitches, better take a look at the kid and our lady hero.”

  


Hands pulled her out of the snow. The girl clung to her clothes. It was so cold, even outside of their frozen tomb.

  


“Need blankets and a fire! They’re gonna freeze to death otherwise.”

  


“Cullen wants to keep moving. So blankets and maybe some magic heat from one of those mages.”

  


“Maya? _Maya_!”

  


“Mamma!”

  


The girl was pulled away from Anyssa as a blanket was wrapped around her.

  


“The lady saved me! She hummed me a song and these people saved us!”

  


“Thank you! Thank you!”

  


“The young’un needs to be looked at, but I think she fared better than the lady did.”

  


At least the girl would be fine. Feeling cold and almost frozen was not a new sensation for the historian. However, she wasn’t used to having so many worry over her or risk their own lives to save her. The thought stuck with her as she felt large hands that could only be that of The Iron Bull haul her up into a tight hold.

  


“Cullen’s going to be livid when he hears about the stunt you pulled, little lady. He’s already worried enough ‘cause of the boss.”

  


“...had to save the girl.” Was all Anyssa could say.

  


“Just has to be a hero, didn’t ya? Had to worry the Commander more didn’t you? Maybe he won’t find out until—"

  


“Chief! He already knows,” came Krem’s voice from nearby.

  


Words in Qunari that sounded like a curse were muttered. She felt Bull begin walking as the clinking of armor neared.

  


“Bull! What happened? Someone said people were trapped by the landslide…” It was Cullen’s voice but then trailed off. “ _Anyssa_?”

  


“Yeah, she got caught in the edge of it trying to save a kid,” Bull replied. “Seems she wanted to play hero cause she saved the girl. Took the brunt of the effects herself.”

  


“Maker, _why_?”

  


“Girl got left...behind...couldn’t leave her.” Her voice was weak, but she managed to open her eyes for just a moment. “She was scared of the thunder...had to show her there was only snow...Didn’t mean to do it so _literally_.”

  


Bull chuckled as Cullen said with disbelief, “Did...did she just make a _jest_?”

  


“Yeah. It seems she gets goofy when she near unconsciousness,” Bull replied.

  


Cullen let out a groan. “Will she be alright?”

  


“Stitches seems to think so. Just keep her warm. Do you want _that_ job?”

  


_“What?”_

  


“Just a thought since you hang around her a lot…”

  


“Maker! We are in the middle of an evacuation, Bull!”

  


“Hey, all you had to do was say no. I don’t mind carrying her till we make camp. She’s kinda cute anyway...just needs red hair.”

  


“I do not believe that is appropriate—"

  


“Can’t sleep with you arguing...Bull is nice and warm...Cullen’s armor is cold but his hands are warm—"

  


Her comment shut the Commander up. Bull smirked. “I guess the little lady has spoken.”

  


“So it would seem.”

  


Anyssa thought she noted disappointment in his voice as she drifted off. No thunder, no snow, no cold reached her in her dreams. Just the images of those that seemed to care for her and the lingering questions of why they did.

  


  


  


  


  



	19. Templar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of the destruction of Haven, Cullen reflects on their small victories but doubts still linger. Wishing he could do more, it is Anyssa who helps him finally realize a new meaning to being a Templar while at the same time understanding what she has come to mean to him.

He had learned to stand watch for many reasons as a Templar. Most revolved around the anticipation of danger, mostly from magic. Occasionally there had been the call to deal with religious zealots or mage sympathizer extremists. Despite the trials he had experienced as a Templar he was still prepared to stand guard. Even as Commander of the Inquisition’s army he stood watch. Now instead of mages it was recruits he was tasked with turning into an army.

At present he had stood watch near the back of the camp reflecting on the near loss of the Herald. Finally they had seen her, nearly frozen to death but alive. Cassandra and he had ventured once again into the snow storm to retrieve the symbol of their cause. But she was more than that now. She was a friend and trusted ally. Under the care of Mother Giselle, it seemed as if she would make a complete recovery.

Still he stood watch after they argued and shouted until Mother Giselle sung a song from the Fereldan tradition. The Herald had awoken, and he sang along. Still weak from her ordeal she briefly spoke with Solas and a plan was born. Within the next two days they would set out for a place of legend to find shelter and a possible new home for their Inquisition. He could only pray to the Maker it bore fruit as they waited for the snow storm to subside.

His thoughts continued to wander as he watched the members of the Inquisition continue to band together to make sure they survived. No one had complained and all seemed to have experienced a renewed energy after the return of the Herald. Even with all the goodwill and comradery they were experiencing he found his mind focusing on one person in particular.

_Anyssa._

She had been mixed with the civilians during the evacuation. As such she had fallen behind either by chance or on purpose. From what the Chargers told him, she had been aiding some of the slower townsfolk keep pace with the rest of the group. After the signal had been sent up for the Herald to let loose the trebuchet Anyssa had been caught in a secondary avalanche in an attempt to rescue a small girl. The Chargers had dug her out of the snow within minutes but with the temperature she had still suffered from the beginnings of hypothermia. She had used her own body to shield the girl and keep her warm.

Cullen had been furious and scared when he found out what she had done. Placing herself in imminent danger was not part of her responsibilities but that didn’t matter. Anyssa had always been the helpful sort even when she knew nothing of how to help. She learned. She taught herself. She watched others and mimicked them. She read books on how to do something. She asked questions of everyone about everything. Slowly she learned how to do things, how to live in Thedas.

Bull and the Chargers had rescued her and the girl. As grateful as he was for that fact, Anyssa had chosen to remain with Bull instead of with him. Of course he had given a very logical reason he could not tend to her. There was an evacuation ongoing and he was one of the senior members of the Inquisition. He couldn’t spilt his attention between her and the mass of people he was responsible for. But oh how he had wanted to. It took everything he had not to grab her from the Qunari’s arms and carry her with him as he directed their people to safety. Her words before she lost consciousness still stung.

_“Can’t sleep with you arguing...Bull is nice and warm...Cullen’s armor is cold but his hands are warm—"_

Bull’s comment about her being cute did nothing to help either. Anyssa wasn’t just cute; she was adorable, pretty, _lovely_. But more than that she as real, genuine, kind, honest, intelligent. All those things he admired about her and more, but he couldn’t put her before his duty. He couldn’t. No matter what Bull said or implied

Surely Anyssa wasn’t attracted to the Chargers’ leader. Could she?

“Cullen?”

The voice was soft and hesitant, but he would know it anywhere. He had grown accustomed to it in such a short time it still amazed him how easily he dropped everything to see what she wanted. He turned to find Anyssa wrapped in a thin blanket looking at him in confusion.

“Nyssa, you should be resting,” he scolded gently as he walked to her.

“That’s what everyone says about _you_ , but you don’t,” Alyssa replied. “Cassandra said you have only slept a hand full of hours since the evacuation. You can’t continue like that.”

“I will be fine. I have duties to tend to…” he trailed off seeing her skeptical expression.

“I was unaware your duties included staring at people while they prepared the evening meal or bedding down for the night,” she noted softly, her tone half serious, half teasing. Slowly she had come out of her shell, showing at least to him her true personality. Gentle teasing was apparently one of her quirks when she thought someone wasn’t doing exactly what they should.

“I am responsible for their safety. We have not made it to a safe area yet,” he reasoned. It had satisfied others who had inquired about his wellbeing.

She inclined her head. “And you are going to accomplish that by being in a perpetual state of exhaustion.”

He shook his head, hoping his expression reflected reassurance. “I am accustomed to long hours. My training as a Templar prepared me for such eventualities when searching for apostates.”

Anyssa pulled the blanket tighter around her. “That all sounds very logical and reasonable. It explains away perfectly why you are up at all hours and why everyone commends your work ethic and devotion to duty. I should take your words at face value like everyone else.”

She paused as if to consider what she said next. He watched as she took a step towards him. “But I can’t do that because I _know_ the real reason.”

“Nyssa, I am fine.”

“Yes, Cullen. You are fine just like I was the night of the attack on Haven…when you found me at the lake.”

She had called his bluff and he was powerless to tell her she was wrong. Instead he lowered his gaze to the snow-covered ground. Had she really come to know him so well in just a few months? He still didn’t understand why he had insisted from the very beginning on taking responsibility for her.

“With the Herald lost, the destruction of Haven and then you involved in the avalanche...I need to do better. I cannot fail again. Not after Kinloch and Kirkwall.”

He saw a smaller hand cover his as her quiet voice said, “You _haven’t_ failed Cullen. A majority of our people made it out.”

He didn’t fail to notice the plural possessive she used. She was finally feeling like she belonged. He moved his hand to hold hers. “You could have been hurt or... _worse_.”

“You promised to watch over me, but you can’t put me ahead of everyone else,” she noted as she squeezed his hand. “I’m just grateful people noticed I had been caught in the snow.”

He closed his eyes. She still had trouble believing people would miss her if she disappeared. He knew he was gripping her hand tightly as he took a breath. “I heard that someone had been caught in the avalanche...Something just told me it was you. I feared I had lost you.”

“Lost me?” Her voice was small, confused to his ears.

He opened his eyes to find ice blue ones gazing back. Maker, he could get lost in those eyes. He didn’t want a day to go by without looking into them, without hearing her voice, without seeing her be in awe at something he took for granted on a daily basis. He finally knew what he wanted. What she had come to mean to him.

“I joined the Templars to protect people. Instead I witnessed the horrors of magic, the evils of men, and became twisted with fear and anger. I want to do better, to atone,” he explained as he brought her hand to his chest. “I wanted to remember what it truly means to protect. I thought the Inquisition would allow me that. On a grand scale it has, and I do not take that lightly. But you? But you have allowed me to remember what it is like to protect someone important to oneself. I cannot thank you enough for that and I would greatly miss you if you left.”

The Commander watched as her lips began to tremble. Hoping he had said the right thing, he was unsure how to proceed. Comforting others had never been his strong point. He had done it a few times for Anyssa with mixed success. Keeping hold of her hand, he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. That’s when she bridged the gap between them, burying her face in his coat.

“I don’t want to leave,” she whispered.

“Then don’t,” he replied resting his other hand on her shoulder. “I can protect you, if you continue to let me.”

“No one’s ever said such a thing to me,” she admitted quietly.

“Then let me be the first to say it _and_ do it,” Cullen said finding new meaning in what a Templar was meant to do, even a former one. “I swear to the Maker I will keep you safe.”

“I believe you.”


	20. Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa still struggles to understand the magic of Thedas. As she attempts to make Skyhold a home, she asks Dorian for help and gets more than she bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****chapter contains references to intolerance concerning Dorian's sexual orientation. Neither this author nor Anyssa share these views.****

“My dear, it's not that I don’t love your company but when you said you had questions about books I assumed you meant the ones in the library,” Dorian mused as he walked around the abandoned study. “This room hasn’t seen use in years if not _decades_.”

Anyssa watched in amusement as he ran a finger over the spine of a book and made a disgusted face. “But that means no one has disturbed this place and the books have remained as they were. There could be books here no one has seen in years. Wouldn’t that be worth something?”

“Yes. I suppose,” he replied as he resigned himself to her enthusiasm. “It could use redecorating. And light. And cleaning. A very _thorough_ cleaning.”

“I’m working on it. The cobwebs are gone at least,” Anyssa replied indignantly. “I have to help Josephine until she gets a full staff…”

Dorian turned to her, wiping his hands together. “My dear Nyssa if I didn’t know better I would think you were genuinely _offended_ that I said it needed work.”

She glared at him but said nothing. Setting her jaw, she turned back to a stack of books on the large desk in the middle of the circular room. Their titles all denoted magic as their subject matter.

“You _are_ offended,” he noted as he moved to stand beside her.

“It doesn’t matter. You can go. I know you don’t really want to be here. It’s not—"

“You know the Commander is right,” Dorian interjected. “You deflect when you are uncomfortable, and you get this adorably helpless look about you when you bit your bottom lip. Most men would find that irresistible. Alas, my attention is elsewhere. I do not know how you will cope with that.”

Anyssa rolled her eyes at his words until he added, “Of course the Commander does seem to have his attention focused on you…”

Anyssa huffed as she blurted out, “Can’t you just go bother someone else! I’m sure Mother Giselle would love another debate about the Chantry’s views on magic with you.”

Dorian raised an eyebrow. “I see I struck a nerve. That was not my intention. The Commander’s intentions toward you are purely honorable I’m sure.”

Anyssa fiddled with the books. “I just thought you might be able to help…”

“Help with _what_ specifically? You have the Commander’s undivided attention, unfortunately for a dashing man such as myself. What else—"

“Magic,” she replied looking at him slightly. “I still don’t understand it. Cullen has tried but it... _bothers_ him.”

“Ah yes, the man’s troubled past with mages and magic and a crazed Knight-Commander…” Dorian replied thoughtfully. “Perhaps if I knew what you did not understand I can put my expensive education to use.”

Anyssa looked at her embarrassed. “ _All_ of it?”

The mage gave her a pitying look. “This will take some time.”

Anyssa shrugged. “I can go ask Vivienne—"

“Ha! That will not be necessary. I am perfectly capable,” the Tevinter replied as he gestured to the limited sitting space in the room.

Anyssa nodded. “We didn’t have magic on Earth. At least not like this. It was illusions, sleight of hand, misdirection.”

“Yes we’ll those are rogue tricks _here_ ,” Dorian said almost indignantly. “True magic comes from within and must be honed for its true potential to be realized.”

“So it’s not inherently evil like the Chantry preaches?” She asked sitting on the massive desk.

Dorian scoffed. “Heavens, no! Let me dispel some myths for you before we begin the true lesson... _first_ a mage is born with the gift not cursed with it. Magic can manifest during puberty or at a younger age under great stress. _Secondly_ , as you said magic is not inherently evil. It is dangerous and any mage should absolutely be trained in how to use it. But it is the welder of the magic that ultimately decides if that magic is going to be helpful or harmful.”

"What of blood magic? Isn't that bad, even if the user intends good? No one defends its use--"

"With good reason!" Dorian exclaimed. "You are dealing with a demon and that never ends well...the caster or their target must pay a price…"

The normally talkative mage grew silent. Anyssa said softly, "I didn't mean to upset you. I shouldn't have asked--"

"No," Dorian said firmly. "You of all people should know. You don't understand the dangers, the cost of such things. I would hate for you to make a horrible mistake due to ignorance. Despite what the South's Chantry teaches, ignorance is _not_ bliss."

"But it sounded personal…"

"And so it is my dear. It can be a teaching point and an opportunity to take about my favorite subject: me."

~~~~~~~~~~

“Dorian, I would never...I mean why does it even matter? Evie has a crush on Josephine. Actually I think it’s more, but she won’t say,” Anyssa said realizing she was rambling. “She keeps saying she likes warriors instead…”

“Ah the lady ambassador certainly runs against what Evelyn projects her interests to be. That’s how you know it’s real,” Dorian noted with a wistful smile. “But to you question. It may not matter as much in the South, but in the Imperium especially amongst the nobility assuring that one’s line continues it supremely important. Family legacy is more important than being true to oneself.”

“Many on my world struggled to accept those who loved one of the same gender. Others openly embraced it. Family legacy, producing an heir was not a problem. Just plain bigotry and intolerance was behind it. We had made progress but there was still a ways to go.”

Dorian studied her carefully. “And you...have no problem with this?”

Anyssa smiled with a shrug. “Evie and Sera have exclusive interest in women. You fancy men. I like men too. I have more in common in that respect with you than Evie and Sera.”

“Ah, so we can both agree the Commander is worth ogling,” the mage teased.

“ _Dorian_ , he’s a nice, kind person and has helped me a lot when he didn’t have to…”

“All the _more_ reason to pine away for him,” he noted. “But I shall do the ogling and you can do the pining since I stand no chance with him unlike _you_.”

“I’m not so sure...he can be very distant, and he is _incredibly_ private, especially when you inquire about his past,” Anyssa replied.

“Ah, yes. The blood mage thing in Ferelden and Kirkwall. That would scar _anyone_ ,” Dorian said. “I at least was able to come to an understanding of sorts with my father.”

Anyssa looked at the pile of books Dorian had added to. “Maybe he doesn’t want to be that close to anyone...He helps me but that doesn’t mean—"

“My dear, you must make it a hobby to actively ignore all the signs that the man is interested in you,” Dorian snapped. “If he looked at me the way he looks at you I would be all over him faster than a Fereldan on a Mabari.”

She gave him an incredulous look. “I’m not anything special. I’m not even supposed to be here.”

“An attitude like that will get you nowhere,” he scolded. “I’m not supposed to be here either. A Tevinter mage aiding an organization that opposes the Venatori which embodies the extremist views of some of my fellow countrymen. Yet I intend to use this opportunity to make things better for myself and others. What will you do with yours?”

“I don’t—"

“If I can make the most of this and offer my handsome, charming self to those who need help why can’t _you_? You have skills, otherwise you would not have been made historian. Do not sell yourself short because of some idiotic brute from your past. You have great potential if you will only try.”

Anyssa chewed her lip. “How about we talk more about you.”

“Ah my favorite subject. But don’t think you have heard the end of this, my dear,” Dorian replied with a devilish grin.

Anyssa rolled her eyes, knowing he would not truly let it go. But perhaps he was right to a degree. Cullen might have an interest in her beyond what he had expressed. _Maybe_. Maybe she might want that. Maybe she could start openly paying attention to what he did when he was around her. Maybe she could _try_.


	21. Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen must deliver some bad news to Anyssa as the Inquisition continues to settle into their new home at Skyhold. However, her reaction is not what he expected as he experiences a side of her he only caught glimpses of in Haven.

He had lived most of his life in the Circle, either at Kinloch Hold or the Gallows. Both places had scarred Cullen for life, both physically and emotionally. Cullen reluctantly added mentally to that list as he was once again overcome by the magical aura of the Inquisition’s new home. It was not a malevolent feeling, but the former Templar still found it disquieting.

He stood on the stone bridge that connected the rotunda to one of the towers near the gate. He had been considering that particular tower for his office but it like so much of Skyhold needed repairs badly. Regardless the ancient keep provided better protection even in its current state than Haven ever had been able to. That gave him some relief, but he would make sure the destruction of the village was not repeated. He had promised the Inquisitor.

The Herald was now the Inquisitor. They had a proper base of operations. The elder one had not obliterated his enemy as he had believed. The Inquisition still stood against the chaos and would continue to do so.

His eyes studied the view around him. So many people had thrown themselves into the repairs of Skyhold. It inspired him to continue with the path he had chosen, reaffirming he had made the right choice to leave the Order and join the Divine’s forces. His eyes eventually fell upon the stone wall that separates the lower courtyard from the upper. A familiar honey blonde woman sat upon it, appearing to be writing furiously in a journal or ledger. Even Anyssa had found something to do.

“Ah, Commander. I thought I had seen you walk through the rotunda earlier,” the voice of Solas called to him.

He glanced back to the keep proper and saw the mage elf approaching with purpose. “Yes. I was inspecting the tower for possible use as an office.”

The elf glanced at the tower in question as if considering the feasibility of his words. Nodding once, he said, “Yes. I believe that would be an excellent use of the space.”

Arching an eyebrow at the approval he did not need, he asked, “Was there something I could do for you Master Solas?”

“To the point then,” the elf noted with a small smile. “Thank you. I have had time to consider Lady McBride’s situation and thought to inform you of my thoughts.”

Cullen turned to him. He had never discussed her arrival with him before. Why did Cullen suddenly need to be involved now? “Unless it concerns the overall safety of the Inquisition and Skyhold, is that not something better discussed with the woman directly involved?”

Solas let out a sound of amusement. “Forgive me, Commander. I have noticed you growing relationship with Lady Anyssa and wished to know your thoughts before I address the matter with her.”

“Why? She is perfectly able to understand whatever you have to say to her,” Cullen said automatically, feeling offended that anyone would question her ability to comprehend the situation.

Solas simply cocked his head, his expression passive. A sinking feeling developed in the Commander’s stomach. “She cannot go back, either because it’s not possible or because you don’t know how.”

The other man nodded. “I would not assume her abilities to understand are anything less than what they are. She is remarkably gifted with observation skills and an innate understanding of many things. My concerns lies in her _reaction_. I am not as Master Tethras would say a people person. I do not wish to sound crass when I tell her.”

Cullen considered his words. She would listen and ask logical questions. She would save any emotional response until she were alone. Still, receiving the news from someone she trusted might lessen the blow. “Explain it to me and I will inform her.”

Solas looked at him curiously. “You wish to tell her because she counts on you the most.”

“Something like that.”

“You care for her.”

“Is that surprising?”

“Forgive my reaction. I am accustomed to people acting selfishly. The Inquisition continues to prove that I do not know everything...l will explain my thoughts to you, and you may do as you see fit.”

*****

_As he sought fit._

Solas has acted as if caring for another individual was a foreign concept. Perhaps it was to the enigmatic elf. Cullen realized that caring for one single person had been foreign to _him_ only a few years ago. Now, especially after meeting Anyssa he couldn’t imagine not caring for her. Life outside the Circle was so much different even for a former Templar. He knew many did not understand that or simply did not wish to. Anyssa had made an effort to understand both the mages’ side as well as the Templars’.

He knew he would never fully shake the scars the Circle had left on him, but Anyssa’s curiosity and earnest desire to understand helped put it all on perspective. He could let his past rule him or he could rule his past. It was what he had been attempting to get her to understand. He would be a hypocrite if he didn’t follow his own advice. It wasn’t easy but he would endure.

He looked down from the top of the steps leading to the great hall. Anyssa was still writing, paying no mind to those around her. Every once in a while she seemed to say something to someone as they passed by without looking up. So engrossed in her task she did not notice when he descended the stairs and stood before her.

Clearing his throat, he grinned when she didn’t acknowledge him. Clearing his throat louder, he was greeted with a curt reply. “If you need something state your business, otherwise I need to get these copies down before the next construction crew arrives.”

He chuckled as he rested his hands on the pommel of his sword. Slowly she looked up at him. A sheepish look crossing her face. “ _Cullen_! Why didn’t you say—You _enjoyed_ that!”

“Perhaps,” he admitted as he motioned to her papers. “What task has you engrossed so?”

“Maps,” she said simply returning to her task, turning her face to hide the blush he knew was present.

“Of?

“Skyhold. The main locations so people will quit getting bloody lost!” She replied in an annoyed tone. “I can only give directions so many times. Making copies would be so much easier with a copy machine…”

“ _Copy machine_?”

She glanced up. “Yes. Something from my world that lets me not have to do this by hand a hundred times.”

He arched an eyebrow. “Why are you—"

“Josephine asked me to. Too many people are getting lost and ending up in unsafe areas.”

“But why you?”

“I have the training to make maps. I took a couple of cartography classes in college. I never thought it would come in use like _this_ though.”

He made a noise of surprise causing her to look up. “If that surprises you then you don’t want to know what else I’ve been doing.”

“Really? Is it dangerous?”

“If you call rock climbing and spelunking dangerous then yes.”

“What in the Maker’s name have you been doing?”

“My job.”

“You were made historian and archivist…”

“Which includes studying the ancient fortress we’ve taken residence in. I _can_ do this. I know what I’m doing. My education and hobbies are exactly what we need.”

_“Hobbies?”_

“I used to go rock climbing and spelunking on Earth... _before_ Bryan.”

“Spelunking?”

“Exploring caves to put it simply.”

“That and rock climbing are hobbies in your world?”

“Not all of us can master chess.”

“I have offered to teach—"

“What do you need? You didn’t find me just to ask me about my _aberrant_ hobbies.”

Cullen shifted ever so slightly. Apparently it was enough to get her attention. “You have something you either don’t want to tell me or feel obligated to.”

He sighed. Hiding his feelings wouldn’t help anything. He watched as she placed her work aside waiting patiently for him to speak. “Nyssa, Solas spoke to me about how you came to us. He had tried to understand exactly _how_ it happened but nothing concrete has surfaced. He is not giving up hope, but the chance of your return is slim. I—"

“It doesn’t matter,” she interrupted as she turned back to her work.

He stared at her in surprise. “Nyssa, you may not be able to go back—"

“I said I didn’t want to leave,” she exclaimed drawing the looks of several passersby.

Cullen gave them his best commander glare as she quietened her voice. “I told you _already_...I don’t want to go.”

“Nyssa, you don’t know that—"

“I _do_ know that, or do you want me to leave?”

“What?”

“Do you want me to go back? To leave you?”

“I—that is not what—why would you say that?” he asked in bewilderment. She knew he didn’t want her to leave but why should his opinion factor into things.

“Because you’re questioning my decision to stay even though I already said I didn’t want to leave,” she snapped.

He took a breath. He hadn’t seen her that frustrated since she had started learning Common. He held his heads out in front of him as if in surrender. “I did not mean to imply that. I simply want you to be fully aware of the consequences of your choices...I wish I had taken the time to consider mine. Perhaps I would have been in a much different place…”

Anyssa stood up, setting her work on the stone wall. “I know you think you know why I want to stay. It’s not simply to get away from Bryan and that life...It’s also because I want this new life I have here...I’ve found people here that care about me, a purpose that I believe in, a new path to follow—even if it’s hard sometimes.”

He looked at her. Her life in some respects had been similar to his in the Circle. They were both trying to overcome trauma from their pasts in order to forge a new path on their own terms. Apparently she had chosen this one regardless of ever being able to return to Earth or not.

“I...am glad you have found purpose. I only wished for you to be certain…”

She smiled at him. “Of this I am. I promise.”

“In that case, may I ask one thing?”

“Yes.”

“Will you please be careful if you plan on continuing with the exploration of Skyhold? I do not want to hear second hand anything has happened you.”

“Yes. Of course I will. I know you don’t like…” she dropped her voice. “Enclosed spaces.”

“That isn’t the only thing. I am concerned about you. Your welfare. I...just want to know you are safe...After the flight from Haven, I—“

“I’m fine, Cullen. I’m _here_.”

He relaxed a little, trying to give her a smile. “I realize that, but I promised—"

“To keep me safe. Don’t think I take that lightly. I’m not sure I’ve told you what that means to me…” she trailed pausing to look him in the eye. “I truly appreciate that, and I know you mean it...I just need to be able to do something that means something, that I’m good at…”

She looked away seemingly embarrassed by the confession. He had always believed her to be adorable when she was in such a state not that he would admit it. Disregarding the public nature of their circumstances, he reached out and gently tilted her head up to look at him.

Ice blue eyes locked with his. “I am glad you have found something worth your skill and interest. And everything you have done for the Inquisition no matter how small a task you believe it to be is appreciated...All you have done for me is appreciated.”

“I didn’t do—"

“Yes you did. If nothing else you have proven that my time in the Circle was the Maker’s way of preparing me for my life now. When I was 13 I left home thinking I would dedicate my life to the Maker by serving as a Templar. Now I return almost 2 decades later and find a new way to serve the Maker without the restrictions men have imposed. I can serve in a way that feels right. Meaningful. Perhaps in a sense we have both come full circle, enabling us to begin again.”

“That sounds nice.”

“I’m glad you agree. I was afraid I might have made a fool of myself.”

She shook her head. “Surely you’ve never made a fool of yourself.”

Cullen chuckled. “I am not at liberty to divulge that information.”

She playful pushed him in the chest. He laughed even knowing that their public display would cause more rumors to fly. Unlike in the Circle he found these rumors almost acceptable. His relationship with Anyssa was still something he was figuring out but upon reflection he was glad his joining the Inquisition had allowed them to meet. One more reason to be thankful for what his new life away from the Circle had granted him.


	22. Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa's position within the Inquisition is made official as she finally understands what to call her relationship with Cullen.

Anyssa McBride walked down the steps from the ambassador’s office to the floor below. It housed a wine cellar, the treasury, room for artifacts to be kept, the kitchens, and a multitude of other spaces still being discovered and assigned a use. Across the large open space that might have once served as a gathering area of sorts, down a side hallway was an abandoned library or study. No one claimed the space as of yet but Anyssa had been fascinated with it from the start. The moment Josephine had mentioned it in passing she had wanted to see it.

Now devoid of cob webs, vermin, and clutter, it could truly serve as a place to work in. As one of the historians of the Inquisition she had wanted a place to work, a private place away from the distractions of the nobles, the messengers, the soldiers. When she had been told she would be the _lead_ historian and archivist, the study became the natural place to work. She did not want to be near a lot of people and no one else wanted the space. It only made sense.

A war council meeting had disbursed only a few minutes before. She had given an update on what they had found in the lower levels of the old keep as well as some areas that needed heavy excavation before they would know what they had. With the meeting concluded, she left to indulge in her own curiosity about the books that lined the hallway to the actual circular study. Lighting the torch as usual though caused her difficulty. In her world a light switch would have been the answer.

A familiar chuckle rang out from the still open door, the only source of light. She made a face she wasn’t sure the other could see as she muttered, “You could _help_ instead of laugh.”

“And you could simply use a torch from the hall to light this one,” the baritone voice replied laced with amusement as he took the lighting implement from her. Within a second the torch in question flared to life.

Anyssa glanced up to see golden eyes looking down at her with humor but also fondness. She insisted, “I _can’t_ keep replying on already lit torches or you or others to light a fire. What if I’m alone? Or what if I’m with someone who’s hurt, and they have to rely on me? What if—"

Cullen Rutherford caught her hand in his. “What if you finally realize you are not alone here?”

Anyssa sighed. They had this conversation at least once a week. She insisting on learning how to do things herself now that she were in Thedas. He insisting that accepting help and _not_ knowing everything was acceptable. “But what if I am no longer a member of the Inquisition? I don’t think I would be able to survive outside these walls without knowing—"

“Nyssa, you do not have to know everything all at once. And no one here would abandon you in such a manner. You would be helped by many, myself included.” The Commander replied. In a lower voice he added, “Especially by me. I would not see you face this world alone.”

She looked at him and then quickly away. “But you have so much you are already responsible for. A girl from another world hardly needs to be added to that list.”

“That _woman_ deserves help just as she so freely gives it to others without expecting anything in return,” he said with a kind smile. “I would see her taken care of no matter what.”

“But I’m not anything—"

“One day you will stop saying that and start believing you _are_ someone,” he interrupted her. “I know who you are. You are my friend and I have had precious few in my life. I would see you happy.”

“Friend?” She repeated as if it were a foreign concept.

“Yes. I consider you my friend. Is that strange?”

“I—"

“Nyssa, I truly mean that. Your kindness, sincerity, and acceptance have made a great difference in my life...I had hoped you might think the same of me...”

The Commander sounded so uncertain as he confessed. She met his shy gaze as he continued to hold her hand. “It—You have. I just...It’s been a long time since I were able to have—since I felt safe enough to—“

Cullen smiled broadly. “I...I am glad but I will always keep you safe.”

“Cullen, I—thank you.”

He nodded. “Now would you like to practice on the rest of these torches?”

“Yes please.” She replied. “I never meant to make you think I do not appreciate your help because I do.”

“I...I do not think that...I know your transition to Thedas has not been easy. I would think it is not totally dissimilar from my departure from the Templars to join the Divine’s service. I did not think to find a friend such as yourself. I’m glad I did.”

“As am I,” she replied with a grin. His friendship--now that she knew the word for their relationship--meant the world to her no matter if that world were Thedas or Earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of these chapters were originally prompts I pulled from different places (mostly Tumblr). Hardly any of them were written in chronological order. (I ordered them when I decided to post them.) Anyway, just a fun fact: This chapter was actually the very first one I wrote. I am very pleased that all of these disorganized prompts eventually came together into a (hopefully) coherent story. I hope you are enjoying Anyssa's journey and take care;)


	23. Notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen notices that he has Anyssa's undivided attention even from afar. Not sure what to do about it, he bides his time until he realizes she has his undivided attention as well. Wondering what exactly that means, the Commander attempts to prove a hunch as he realizes their friendship could lead to more.

The first time he noticed her staring after him was on the practice field in Haven. It wasn’t a look of making sure of where he was going or to make sure she had heard him correctly. It was a gaze from across the field, her eyes focused on him as he sparred with another officer. She had looked away hastily when he met her stare.

The next time Cullen had noticed her staring was as he walked away after a meeting with Josephine and Anyssa in the ambassador’s office. She had followed him out into the main chamber of the Chantry to talk to Mother Giselle. He had turned to tell her he would see her for dinner at the tavern when he caught her watching him.

From that time on, she had become a little better at hiding her stares, but she did not stop. She would flush red when caught. She would smile awkwardly. She would become flustered and embarrassed, but she continued to stare. She never brought it up nor did she respond when anyone mentioned it. And many of their friends took every opportunity to comment how she stared after him.

_Mooning_ was a common word used. Cassandra thought it romantic while Sera said something akin to adorable. The opinions varied wildly but they all agreed he should do something about it. Preferably resulting in the Commander admitting he felt something for her. Cullen was not inclined to do so.

When Haven had come under attack and Anyssa had been caught in an avalanche trying to save a child, Cullen had nearly lost his mind. To see her safe in Bull’s arms, making a horrible joke had nearly brought him to his knees. He had not been able to protect her like he had promised because she had chosen to risk her life to save another. Their confessions to one another during the trek through the snow-covered mountains had only served to remind the Commander what he had to lose now that he was no longer a Templar and no longer bound to lyrium. He had opened himself up to vulnerability the moment he ceased taking the Chantry sanctioned drug as he recovered the ability to feel things, losing the numbness he had relied on in Kirkwall. He had allowed himself to fall victim to loss. He had begun to care for others, especially Anyssa, and he had come so close to losing her.

After they made their way to Skyhold and settled in, she had begun watching him again once the practice ring had been set up in the upper courtyard. She made sporadic appearances during morning drills as her duties allowed--sometimes in the courtyard itself but mostly from above, along the battlements. Cullen thought it just a coincidence at first; Anyssa needed a break between her duties. Then he noticed her dwelling much longer than what he deemed appropriate. She seemed to be singularly focused on the times _he_ was in the sparring ring.

The thought that she wanted to see him specifically presented itself. _Would she do that?_

The Commander ignored the thought the best he could until the Inquisitor brought it up herself after a War Council meeting one day. After that it was hard to ignore Anyssa’s actions and interpret them in any other way especially when Trevelyan began joining the historian on the battlements.

In response, Cullen began formulating a strategy to deal with the revelation that Anyssa might find him attractive. Having been utterly devoted to the Order for so long, he had not truly had an interest in a woman in nearly a decade, not since before the fall of the Ferelden Tower. He had cared less if someone of either sex were interested in him as well. Now though, with Anyssa’s unspoken interest, he was…curious. She had been through a great many things before arriving in Thedas and since. He had not thought about her truly taking an interest in anyone; he had staved off many who had had expressed an inappropriate interest in her though.

Now however, she watched him almost daily from the battlements as he conducted morning drills and occasionally sparred with other officers. He had begun taking his shirt off as he had always done when it was hot. Now that he was trying to quit lyrium he became hot more frequently; a side effect of the withdrawals he reasoned. Not one to let a gift horse go to waste, he used it as an excuse to spar shirtless when he caught sight of Anyssa. While his view of her was not close enough to discern her features, her body language made up for it. He knew her well enough to know that while she was embarrassed to watch she would continue to do so.

Rather illogically it made him proud that _he_ was the one she watched in such a way. No one else held her attention like he did. He knew this simply because as soon as his sessions were over, she would leave. Even with other male officers stripping out of their shirts for the next session, she made no effort to remain. Whether it be male pride or something else he was not sure, but Cullen could not convince himself to stop trying to find ways to capture her attention. He _wanted_ to be noticed by her. He had not wanted to be noticed by anyone for anything other than his devotion to duty for longer than he remembered.

Regardless, he found himself one warm afternoon after morning drills and briefing his officers about the new rotation schedule deciding to forego his armor. He was set to meet Anyssa for lunch in the Great Hall to go over some possible areas the Red Templars might be interested in because of Elven ruins. She had also wanted to know if he needed any help with clerical work or the like. Agreeing to meet her had been easy; deciding to test another theory about how she paid attention to him had been harder. In the end his curiosity had won out.

Meeting at the Great Hall they accomplished all they wanted and then had a little while to talk. He was able to relax enough to make nonchalant comments about how people paid him or her romantic compliments expecting them to swoon at their words. Anyssa visibly cringed at the idea and it made Cullen all the more glad that he had disciplined those he had caught making inappropriate comments about her. She admitted to feeling pressured to accept some offers of suitors but said that Josephine assured her it was not expected. Cullen promised to deal with it personally if the overtures became too aggressive.

As they parted ways, Cullen made sure to turn his back to her for a moment, feigning hearing his name from somewhere across the room. Quickly turning back he caught ice blue eyes hurriedly darting from his bottom upward to meet his gaze. Arching an eyebrow as he smirked as he asked, “Something catch your attention?”

Anyssa stood frozen before him, her face turning as red as he had ever seen it. He continued to smirk as she finally stammered, “Yes-- _No!_ I mean no. I was just--That is--Just _shut up_.”

He chuckled as she tried to regain her composure. “I have done nothing but ask a simple question, Nyssa.”

“No, but you were thinking... _things_.”

“Oh, I was, was I? What kind of things?”

“Things that--that I can’t say in polite company. You have that look! You get smug and you smirk and act all innocent!”

“I have done not a thing to you, my lady, except ask if something had warranted your attention.”

“Cullen, you are... _Ahhh_!” She let out a groan of frustration and left him standing in the Great Hall chuckling to himself.

He had been right. She did find him attractive and apparently she liked his backside out of armor as much as she liked him shirtless. A sense of pride welled up as he began making his way back to his tower. He was the focus of her attention, the _only_ one she noticed.

“I have to give it to you, curly. I never thought you could make anyone _that_ flustered on purpose,” Varric called out from his usual table by the hearth.

“Anyssa and I enjoy a bit of a teasing relationship now and then,” Cullen replied simply.

“Is that what you call it,” the dwarf said. “I call it fishing for a reaction and then capitalizing on it.”

“That is _not_ what occurred. I--”

“You know she has the hots for you, and you wanted to see how _hot_ you could get her.”

“No. I am _not_ going to be a party to any of your gossip mongering nor fishing for things that are not true for your books.”

“Whatever, curly, but all you have to do is look at the woman with those puppy eyes of yours and she would say yes to anything.”

“I don’t care for that comment at all. Anyssa has been through a great deal and to imply that she could easily be swayed by a look--”

“Not just any look and not just by anyone. By _you_. Because she knows you. She trusts you. You know how hard that is for her…”

“That doesn’t mean I should influence her--”

“Curly, just take my words for what they are. She noticed you and you noticed her. It doesn't hurt that you two find each other attractive. For humans. You two have a connection that goes beyond that. Don’t throw that away. Tease each other sure but don’t forget not many people get second chances. And most that do squander them. I’d hate to see you two do that.”

Cullen nodded as he turned, unsure how to respond. The dwarf was not wrong. And Cullen had most certainly noticed Anyssa. But what did that mean? They were friends. Could they be more? _Should_ they be more? A war was on and a way for her to return to Earth could still be found.... She had said she didn’t want to leave, and he had said he would miss her.

For the moment, Cullen elected to simply keep noticing her and allow her to notice him. He would keep his promise to her and continue to atone through his work with the Inquisition. If the Maker willed him to be more than a friend to Anyssa, it would happen. He just prayed he noticed it happening and wouldn’t miss something he thought might possibly be one of the best things in his life.

_If_ it did happen. He hoped Anyssa would notice it too...


	24. Elven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa asks Solas a question about his views on the elven. She comes to better understand him but at the same time questions his thoughts about the modern elven.

“I am afraid I have made no more progress on finding you a way home, Lady Anyssa,” Solas commented almost as soon as she entered the rotunda. He was painting the bare wall to depict what looked like the accomplishments of the Inquisition to date. “For all of Skyhold wonders, more knowledge of your unique situation has not presented itself. Even my journeys through the Fade show bare glimpses of things that do not seem to be usable.”

Anyssa looked at the elf curiously. “I thank you for your continued efforts. I really do. But I really came just to learn a little more about elves.”

He paused. “You say “elves.” You do not mean that as everyone else does.”

“I suppose I don’t…” she said coming to stand in the middle of the room. “You have a unique perspective on...well just about everything, and I enjoy talking with you.”

“Much the same could be said of yourself, Lady Anyssa,” he replied resuming his painting. “What has piqued your curious mind this day?”

Anyssa bounced on the balls of her feet nervously. “ _You_ actually.”

“ _Me_? Am I a puzzle you wish to piece together or perhaps a riddle to solve?”

“No. Nothing like that. We all have secrets, things we wish to keep private even from friends…” she replied as she noticed the slight pause in his brush strokes. “I suppose what I really want to know is why or _how_ you chose to treat the people who are around you as just people. Your view of a person isn’t solely based on their race or social status or nationality.”

“True. Most of the time, though I will admit to jumping to conclusions on a rare basis,” he said letting a grin tug at his lips.

“Yes, but you seem to value a person’s intentions over everything else. You seem to have a respect for those who pursue and appreciate knowledge. Any kind as long as their purpose is not nefarious in nature.”

“I appreciate those who use their knowledge or the pursuit of it to help those that need it,” Solas explained. “Knowledge is useless if kept to oneself to merely make one more powerful.”

“Is that one reason you are still with the Inquisition?”

“Yes, but I believe you said you have questions about _elves_ …”

Anyssa took a breath. “Solas, I respect you very much and I have come to respect the cultures present in Thedas. They are so varied and so rich in history and traditions. In a way it reminds me of home but...You say the Dalish, for all the efforts of their Keepers, have their history wrong. You say they are like an echo of once was. Do you know that from your own research or through the Fade? Or is it both?”

Solas laid his brush and palette down on a table as he turned to focus on her. “My journeys through the Fade have shown me some forgotten truths as well as led me to ruins of the elvhen that show the true history of my people. Unfortunately, I do not believe the Dalish or city brethren would care to hear it.”

She studied him. He was exceptionally good at not giving anything away. It was better to listen to what he said or in this case did _not_ say. “You know something that would turn everything they believe upside down don’t you?”

He gave her a small sad smile. “Perceptive as always. And as always you did not wish anyone to know how much you have already figured out.”

Ignoring the comment, she asked, “Do you know what caused the fall of the ancient elves?”

“It was the Tevinter Empire. Do you not read that in history books?”

“I’ve also read Ferelden is still a providence of Orlais. Obviously that’s not true.”

“Touché. Your commander, I’m sure, would be most put out if he heard you repeat that.”

Ignoring his attempt to shift the line of questioning, she said, “I’m sure the Tevinter Empire played a roll but did the elvhen…”

“They facilitated the fall of their own people all those years ago and now they are reduced to myths and legends and misconceptions so ingrained in their culture, their traditions, they can imagine no other way. All the knowledge that has been lost… and they _refuse_ the way back I have offered.”

Anyssa pursed her lips. If that were true, then it wasn’t totally unlike what had happened to the indigenous peoples of across different continents on Earth during colonization. Hundreds of district cultures, people’s, societies obliterated by the introduction of European culture. Forced to conform or be decimated, their cultures barely surviving if at all. Those societies were changed forever regardless. There were some cultures that remained intact to a degree but not without some changes caused by colonization. The humans of Thedas had done a similar thing to the elves. Only Solas believed the elvhen had _enabled_ it to happen somehow.

“There are groups of people on my world that lost their culture completely or to a great extent like the elves. They try to hold onto what they have remaining or what they were able to rediscover. They don’t have access to the Fade or anything similar. Your people, the descendants of the ancient elvhen do. How could they not want to recapture even a fraction of what was lost?”

“ _That_ , Lady Anyssa, is something I ask myself every day.”

Anyssa grew quiet as she turned to the mural depicting Haven. The Fade was still a strange concept to her but the stories Solas shared with her made it seem fascinating. To be able to experience even an echo of history was every historian’s dream.

“Does this knowledge make you sad?” Solas asked curiously.

She turned back to him. “Yes. I suppose it does. I understand traditions but history? That is how you know where you’ve been. It can ground you and help give you direction. How do you know where to go in the future if you don’t know your own past?”

“Indeed,” he replied thoughtfully. “You are acutely aware of _your_ history, _your_ past. You are determined not to repeat it.”

That comment she couldn’t ignore. “Exactly. If I did I would be...dead most likely. By the same token, if the ancient elvhen did somehow enable their own downfall, what if the elves of today did the same without knowing it? What if it happened simply because they were too focused on preserving rather than recovering? They would learn nothing. There should be a balance of both.”

Solas cocked his head but said nothing as he picked up his brush and palette once more. Turning back to the new mural he was working on, he said, “And that is why I view the elves as I do. Their actions show no true appreciation for knowledge. They hold tight to what they _think_ they know without questioning if it is correct. The Fade offers answers or at least a way to find them, but they refuse.”

Anyssa stood motionless as she noticed the almost sad tone in his voice. Softly she said, “I thought I knew the truth before I came here. I thought that how my life was, the terrible things I was going through, what I allowed to happen to me was normal, how it had to be. How it would always be. It took a drastic change to even consider how wrong I was. Maybe, unfortunately for the elves it might take such a big change as well for them to understand what you are trying to tell them. But that doesn’t mean you give up trying.”

“Are you attempting to encourage me to continue making the attempt?” He asked in an amused tone as he focused on his task.

“I suppose I am. But perhaps your way isn’t the only way. The Dalish’s culture in its present form is no less valuable than that of the ancient elves. Knowing their history is important but that doesn’t mean the Dalish aren’t. All cultures are important—past and present.”

“I wanted to give up trying to learn how to live here so many times but people I have come to call friends refused to let me,” she answered. “I thought maybe you needed someone to say the same thing to you. I did not mean to offend.”

“No offense taken,” he replied. “Perhaps you have a point. I will consider your words.”

“I... Thank you for indulging my curiosity as always. I know this was more... _personal_ than normal.”

“I find your curiosity refreshing. No thanks are needed.”

Anyssa nodded. “Regardless you have it. I’ll leave you to your mural.”

“Wait a moment,” he called turning slightly in her direction.

She paused. “Yes?”

“Did you mean it when you implied I was a friend?”

“Yes. Is that surprising?”

“In a way, yes. It is not totally unwelcomed. Just...unexpected,” he mused. “I believe the feeling is mutual.”

“Thank you, Solas. I appreciate that more than you know.”

“You are welcome, da’len,” the apostate mage said as he resumed his painting.

Anyssa smiled as she retreated from the rotunda. Whether he actually followed her suggestion or not was immaterial. The fact he listened was what truly mattered. The fact he had called her a friend meant even more. Thedas was indeed not Earth and she had made choices to keep from repeating the past. She hoped maybe Solas and even the elves could eventually do the same. Maybe coming to an understanding about their shared history and culture would eventually enable them to find some common ground. Maybe…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa admittedly enjoys studying history and cultures. It was a dream from her childhood that led her to pursue a career in historical preservation. This desire to preserve has spilled over into her new life in Thedas. She is still learning how to live in her new world as well as learning the rich history it has. Attempting to be respectful to all peoples, societies, and cultures, she tries to make sure her actions and words reflect that as we all should. I hope she is an example of how we should all look at other cultures and societies.


	25. Fashion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josephine, Vivienne, and Dorian take it upon themselves to help Anyssa update her wardrobe for her new role as historian and archivist. An unexpected participant offers a surprising bit of advice of their own.

“You should have proper sets of clothing now that we have more of the nobility about,” Vivienne noted as she sipped her tea.

“I _have_ clothes,” Anyssa said as she looked to Josephine for help. They were gathered in the ambassador’s office. It was well after the evening meal and the likelihood of interruption was small.

The Antivan gave her a supportive smile. “Yes, but you need more _appropriate_ clothing for your position. You are our historian and archivist. You will be more visible now, especially when you aid me until a proper staff can be established and perhaps afterward.”

“But--”

“My dear woman, we know you have adopted Ferelden as your home and as quaint as that idea is...Their color palette does _nothing_ to help you,” Dorian interjected from her other side.

Anyssa bit her lip. She didn’t want anyone to fuss over her, she didn’t want the attention these three were showing her nor did she know how to tell them what she wanted if they bothered to ask. Instead she remained quiet, balling her hands into fists in her lap. They meant well but--

“My dear, you look positively miserable. It won’t do to have you in such a state when we need to know _what_ you would like your new wardrobe to comprise,” Vivienne said with a small, barely noticeable smile.

Anyssa glanced up at the Court Enchanter. “I... get to choose?”

“Yes, of course. How can you be expected to have clothing you will wear if you do not approve of it?” the mage asked as if she would already know the answer.

“We have an idea of the outfits you will need, Anyssa. What we had hoped to gain from you is what you would wear: color, cut, style, occasion,” Josephine explained as she pulled her ledger into her lap.

The honey blonde nodded but glanced at Dorian. “I understand why Josephine and Lady Vivienne are here but why are _you_ here?”

“ _Me?”_ Dorian asked dramatically pointing at his chest. “I am here to provide my own advice and a balance to your other fashion advisors. You may have noticed I have an impeccable taste in clothing.”

Anyssa gave him a small grin as the Orlesian Enchanter started, “I believe practicality will dominate most of her clothing, especially if she is to be exploring the lower levels of Skyhold. Pants and blouses that are functional. Then there would be dresses for everyday when seeing to normal duties, possibly assisting the Ambassador…”

“Shoes...both practical and dress,” Dorian pointed out. “This woman loves boots though. I have noticed she prefers them to flats.”

“Do you, Anyssa?” Josie inquired.

She nodded as the dark-haired woman made notes. “What about more formal attire?”

“Nothing too revealing please,” Anyssa replied. “I mean…just nothing…”

“ _Scandalous_?” Dorian offered with a knowing look.

“Conservative can be very becoming if done correctly,” Vivienne added. “My seamstress is marvelous with such things. I can give her your measurements and preferences. You’ll love what she creates. I’m sure of it.”

“Oh, Lady Vivienne, I could not ask that of you--”

“Oh, shush, my dear. It is no trouble. Truly. You have found so many of the tomes I thought lost during the rebellion. Consider this repayment.”

“I--Thank you,” Anyssa replied, knowing arguing with the enchanter was not going to work.

“Good. Now that we will have fabulous dresses, what _color_ should they be?” Dorian asked leaning forward. “We should find a color or colors that compliment you lovely features.”

“Can I do with less brown in everything?” she asked almost afraid they would say no. Her cover story said she was from Ferelden and the color brown was incredibly popular amongst not just the commoners but also the nobility. Cullen could pull it off, but she hated it for herself.

“ _Brown?”_ Dorian asked with an arched brow.

She sighed. “I don’t mind my pants being brown or even my skirts sometimes. But everything is brown, and I’ve always hated brown.”

“Have you told our dear Commander that? He seems to live for the color. It must be a Fereldan oddity,” the Tevinter mage commented with slight disdain. “At least _you_ have more sense.”

“I hardly think the Commander’s thoughts are necessary unless…” Vivienne began as the door to the office from the Great Hall opened. All heads to turned to see the very man enter as she continued with a devious smile, “ _Unless_ our historian cares to ask the Commander what his thoughts are.”

Cullen walked into the room farther as the group of four came into view. He nodded. “Pardon, the interruption. I am in need of the reports of the nobles’ available assets for the Dales.”

“They are on my desk, Commander. By the ink and quill,” Josephine offered as she returned her attention to Anyssa.

“Thank you, Lady Josephine,” he said as he paused in mid-stride. “May I inquire though, what would Anyssa require my thoughts on? Her mind is her own.”

“Be that as it may, Cullen, and a lovely mind it is, but she seems unprepared for the challenge that lay ahead of her,” Dorian replied cryptically.

Golden eyes flickered the historian. “What challenge?”

“Clothes, my dear,” Vivienne answered simply.

“ _Clothes_?” he echoed in disbelief. “Maker, this is not any of my concern.”

He resumed his walk, heading straight for the desk across the office from them. Anyssa watched his movements, feeling a little disappointed he had no interest in what she wore. Scolding herself she attempted to ignore the emotion. “What color then? I don’t have...I mean I don’t really know what color would look good on me.”

“Blue,” came a voice startling her.

“Really, Commander? I thought you were no part of this. What makes you so certain _now_?” Vivienne cooed with interest.

Cullen looked up from the reports directly to Anyssa. “The color of her eyes...and her scarf.”

Anyssa bit her lower lip again as Dorian chuckled. “It seems the Commander has paid you more attention than you think. He even knows you have a scarf the color he is recommending.”

She took a breath and looked at the tea pot on the small side table in front of her. In barely a whisper, she said, “Cullen gave the scarf to me.”

“Oh, he did. Did he? I see now,” Dorian teased as he wiggled his eyebrows. “He’s being paying attention to you for longer than I thought. My apologies, my Lady Anyssa.”

She let out a sigh of frustration as Josephine cleared her throat. “That color would look rather fetching on you...Maybe others shades to compliment as well?”

As the Ambassador took notes, Vivienne added, “Lavender and assorted shades would work wonderfully as well for all her outfits.”

“Good. Then that leaves one thing left,” Dorian oozed as Cullen began walking across the office.

“What? We could not have forgotten anything,” Josie exclaimed looking frantically over her notes.

“He is referring to undergarments, my dear,” the Court Enchanter clarified. “And we most certainly do need to include proper sets.”

“Andraste’s mercy,” Cullen muttered as he passed.

“Even the Maker’s bride wore undergarments, Commander,” the female mage noted matter-of-factly.

“Perhaps you have an opinion on those as well, Cullen?” Dorian teased as he winked at Anyssa.

“I--why would I--” he stammered. Anyssa didn’t have to see his face to know he was blushing.

Josephine suppressed a grin. “Perhaps this is better discussed later…”

“My seamstress can provide sets that are quite comfortable but attractive at the same time,” Vivienne interjected.

“Surely the Commander has an opinion on it,” Dorian goaded as he added smugly, “You gave an unsolicited one on her other attire.”

“ _No_ ,” Cullen replied firmly. The disappointment she felt earlier came back in full force. Why didn’t he state an opinion when he clearly had one earlier? He had refused to share at first and then did unbidden.

“Cullen, can I ask one question of you before you go?” she asked without looking at him, gathering what little courage she had.

“Always,” Cullen said honestly.

She turned to him. “What color should they be?”

Cullen’s calm expression quickly turned to mortification. Dorian chuckled while Vivienne and Josie attempted to keep their ladylike composure. His golden eyes darted around the small group and then landed on Anyssa. His features morphing into a smirk. “Blue.”

Anyssa’s eyes went wide as he grinned and quickly marched out of the room. She was shocked into silence as Dorian noted, “He _does_ have an opinion on your under thingies after all.”

“Blue it is then,” Josie said with amusement in her voice.

“I will apprise my seamstress to make plenty shades of blue available in various fabrics of course,” Vivienne added with a carefully schooled grin.

Anyssa knew she was blushing. She had to be. She had finally gotten up the nerve to tease Cullen in front of others and he had teased back. He had been flustered first and quick marched out of the room, but he had done it. Either way the disappointment she had felt earlier was gone, replaced by something akin to giddiness. Maybe she would seek more fashion advice from the Commander in the future.

<><><><><><><><>

BTW--if you are interested in what the scarf Cullen gave her back in Haven looks like, this is pretty close to what I had in mind. (The style of the first one and closer to the color of the second one.)

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1548181125934625/ 

<https://www.pinterest.com/pin/694258098796089440/>


	26. Inquisitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisitor and Anyssa share a past time activity that the historian thinks is a secret. With Evie Trevelyan, its anything but that. Despite the teasing, Anyssa makes a discovery that could change how she looks at everything.

Evelyn Trevelyan became the Inquisitor shortly after their arrival at Skyhold. She was the Herald of Andraste, a symbol, a cunning and charismatic person, and a natural born leader. The choice made sense. Yet the noble woman was also a prankster and flirter that put Sera and The Iron Bull to shame. Anyssa could not understand how the woman decided to be her friend or more importantly acknowledge Anyssa as anything other than a subordinate.

Yet here they both were, leaning over the stone wall of the battlements closest to the makeshift practice field. The long wall of the keep between the tavern and the garden offered the perfect spot to watch the sparring sessions without being overtly seen. Watching honest to goodness knights fight fascinated Anyssa and as she had come to find out was nothing like the re-enactments of Earth. She had begun to frequent the spot when she knew drills were going on and her assigned duties permitted.

Of course eventually someone would catch onto her routine and join her. She had never expected it to be Evelyn or Evie as she insisted on being called. Much like Anyssa she hated titles. Much like Anyssa she had an appreciation for the sparring below but also the view it allowed them. Unlike Anyssa, Evie’s appreciation ran more to the female side than male. However they both admitted that sparring without armor was always their favorite sight.

Evie had discovered the other woman’s secondary motivation for watching the matches without much effort. Anyssa could never hide the truth when directly confronted by someone of Evie’s intense presence. Instead of making fun of her, the Inquisitor made a concentrated effort to join her when her duties and missions allowed. It was a form of relaxation for her, and Anyssa found she enjoyed having someone to voice the thoughts she was too shy to say aloud.

Currently Cullen was sparring with Rylen presumably showing the newer recruits a demonstration of what they were going to learn. Both men were sans armor allowing for a better view of things. Evie giggled. “I’m waiting for Lysette or Belinda to spar. That would be more interesting.”

“But they aren’t into women,” Anyssa noted, glancing down to see Rylen deflect a blow from Rutherford.

“They don’t have to be for me to _appreciate_ them from afar as long as I don’t badger them about it,” Trevelyan corrected with a smirk. “Much like you do…No one likes unwanted attention no matter the source.”

Anyssa made a face but refused to look at the Inquisitor. “I can look. It was called window shopping on my world. You can look; you just don’t buy.”

“ _Ah_ ,” Evie replied as she rested her elbows on the wall. “And I suppose Rylen would not object. He seems to be into that sort of thing...Cullen on the other hand? Normally I would say not.”

The Earth woman knew her eyes had to be wide as saucers. She pointedly said nothing as she continued to watch the sparring below. Evie continued, “He normally arbores such things. He detests being the center of attention especially like that. But I have noticed something.”

Anyssa took a breath, dreading the answer. “And that would be?”

“Since he _knows_ you watch, he seems to take his shirt off more,” the Ostwick native stated firmly.

“You _told_ him?” she asked looking at her in disbelief.

Evie shook her head as she pointed to the practice field. “He already knew. I just confirmed it.”

Anyssa once again glanced down at the field to see a blond head looking up in their general direction. Said blond was now shirtless as was Rylen. The historian kept her composure until Cullen looked away. Then she dropped her head to her arms which offered a pillow against the stone wall. She was doomed to be embarrassed every time she saw the Commander now. But surely he didn’t shed his shirt just for her. Why would he?

“Hey, it’s not that bad. In fact I think it’s pretty good. The reserved commander showing off for the shy historian,” the Inquisitor noted as she chuckled. “Now you just need to show off for him.”

Anyssa shook her head. “No. _NO_. I can’t. He can’t…”

“Why not?”

“He’s _the_ Commander. I’m just a lost woman in a world I don’t belong to.”

A comforting hand fell onto her shoulder. “He is a lost soul finding his way in a world his wonders why he still lives in. And he cares. _Let_ him.”

“I...I don’t know how…”

“I didn’t know how to let people really care either when I was made Herald. It was even more difficult when I was made Inquisitor. I'm the youngest child of five. My family's interest in me was minimal. But now...I have people I would do anything for, and I know they feel the same about me. It’s quite different from what I am used to...I’d say it’s the same for you.”

Anyssa finally looked up at the other woman. "You are better off now as Inquisitor then you were before?"

Evie nodded. "Don't get me wrong. Being Inquisitor is difficult but what I have gained personally is worth it. I have a sense of family that I never had before...You could as well if you let yourself."

"I don't know," Anyssa murmured as she looked down again to see Cullen with his sword pointed at Rylen who laid disarmed on the ground. Both men began laughing as the Commander helped his second up.

"Despite my boisterous and charming exterior, I am always afraid that this isn't real. That this life is a dream and the people I have come to care for will disappear with the morning light. But you can't let that control you."

"I can't. I'm scared…"

"We all are, Anyssa, but it's _how_ we respond to our fears that determines if we can be happy," Trevelyan said as she offered up her marked hand. "If I let the fear of what this could do rule over me I could do nothing. But I can't do that. I won't. I want to have a life. The Inquisition has given me the chance at one."

"You have a chance at one too. But it's up to you to decide if you want it bad enough," the Inquisitor said motioning to the sparring ring. "He's chosen to try."

Anyssa glanced down to see Cullen with shirt in hand looking back up at her. He wore a smile as he seemed to nod at her. She froze. Was he really looking at her?

"Yes, he is looking at you and yes he does like the attention you pay him," the noblewoman said. "How about you wear something eye catching for the poor man? Seeing him flustered and you blushing would be a sight."

" _Evie_!"

"Hey, I know you don't swing my way but there is nothing stopping me from helping you use what you have to capture the attention of the man you like. Plus I can admire a little."

Anyssa went beet red as she shook her head _no_.

Evie chuckled as she replied, "The offer still stands. I have a few ideas already…"

"You are the Inquisitor--"

"And a woman who appreciates the fact a friend may need a nudge here and there. Or maybe an outright push in the right direction."

"I don't know…"

"You will when you finally let down that wall you built in that other world. Give it some time. You'll be happier and maybe you'll actually be able to flirt without blushing."

Anyssa wanted to scream but too many people were around. She appreciated her friend and what she was trying to do, but change of any sort had always been hard for her. And now the implication that Cullen may be interested in her? But how...what was she supposed to do?

A part of her that she kept hidden whispered for her to try to forget the trials of her past and just move forward. Could she be like the Inquisitor and have the life she wanted, or would she just let her need to be safe and predictable negate anything she might gain by taking a chance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little over half way through this story!
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who is still reading this. I appreciate all the kudos and the comments! It makes my day to know that you enjoy this little story I've had rolling around in my head for over a year. 
> 
> Anyway, I would like to reiterate that I appreciate comments that are left. I am just simply horrible at replying but please know I any grateful for your feedback!


	27. Books

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Anyssa enjoy an evening in each other's company until she asks a simple question about his past. Cullen struggles with unwanted memories until she shares something of her own past. The outcome is an attempt to distract them both with a couple of Varric's books which has interesting results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***not really a trigger warning but...  
> vague (very vague) mentions of Cullen's past as a Templar and Anyssa's relationship with Bryan. Just be aware
> 
> ***(The story Anyssa tells Cullen contains culture comparisons between American and British culture. I admit that I am no expert on British culture. If anyone has a better comparison or more accurate information please let me know so I can correct it. I would rather be educated by someone more knowledgeable than perpetuate an falsehood.)

Anyssa had followed Cullen back to his tower after the evening meal. The historian somehow convinced him to have the meal in the Great Hall with most of the rest of the Inner Circle. It was a rare occurrence when the Commander did not eat in his tower or wander through the kitchen looking for a bite here and there. However, Nyssa held a certain power of him that he would never openly admit to anyone including her. He had never been able to deny her anything since her arrival in Haven.

They had started a conversation about Fereldan history towards the end of dinner which predictably lost the interest of the rest of the table. The other only things their dinner companions made comments about how close or adorable he and Anyssa looked. They ignored it as always, but the existence of such thoughts was not lost on the former Templar. He wondered if she paid them much mind. She had never indicated that it truly bothered her, just blushing or averting her eyes.

“Cullen?”

He glanced up from the mantle he had slide onto the back of his chair. He hadn’t realized he had tuned out her words until he saw the amused expression on her face. “Ah, sorry?”

She giggled as she moved towards his desk. “You seemed deep in thought...I was trying to ask you if you knew any interesting stories from your time in the Templars.”

“Interesting?” he echoed as he focused on her. She came to stand a few feet from him. He really had no idea what she meant. Most of his memories about the Order were tainted from the events that gave him nightmares.

Anyssa nodded with a half-smile. “Yes. It means engaging or exciting or something that holds the attention of someone. A curiosity.”

Cullen made a sound of annoyance as he began removing his armor and placing it on the stand in the corner of his office. He felt her ice blue eyes on him as he worked. Every time he did it in front of her, she watched closely. He knew it was to do with her curious nature as well as her career, but it still felt odd to have someone do it. It was almost as if he were a young recruit again under the watchful eye of his instructors, ensuring he did it right.

“I know the meaning of the word, Nyssa. Thank you,” he chided as she continued to silently laugh at him. “What exactly do you mean? I was-- _am_ a soldier. I do not collect stories like Varric.”

She tilted her head. “There is nothing at all from your training or duties or assignments that was odd or funny or unique?”

Cullen paused in his task; the last piece of armor nestled on the stand awaiting to be fastened in place. Odd? Unique? Both the Ferelden Tower’s fall and the events surrounding Meredith’s madness were those. Funny? Not in the slightest. He clenched his jaw as he finished up and then moved to his desk. Shuffling papers around, he began to think that spending the evening with Anyssa was not the best idea.

“I do not think I am the best Templar, former or current, to give you anecdotes,” he replied as evenly as he could. He knew that his tone would not fool her, but he had been enjoying the evening and did not want his sudden discomfort to put her off or worse make her feel guilty for it.

There were plenty of reports to go through, letters to compose, paperwork in general to sift through…

A small hand covered his larger one, encouraging him to still his movements. He glanced out of the corner of his eye to see Anyssa standing right beside him, her eyes full of concern. He clenched his jaw once more to keep from saying something that would worry her more. That was the last thing he wished.

“Cullen, I’m sorry if I--If what I said caused you to remember something,” she said quietly. He could feel the heat from her body standing so close to him. A few months before in Haven she wouldn’t have done that, wouldn’t have initiated contact with him. Now…

He closed his eyes as he tried to understand what was going on. She had asked a simple question, an innocent one and he had gone to the very dark depths of his mind…

“Nyssa--”

“When I was in graduate school to get my master’s degree--That’s something you can earn after usually four years of initial study--I had to leave my homeland to study abroad. I lived there for a little over a year and my accent was well... _different_. Just like it is here. We spoke the same base language but my county and theirs had different words for different things. I had to learn that the hard way…”

He continued to listen to her story but did not look at her. “I lived in a small flat--apartment and below it was a cafe. They sold simple things: sandwiches and the like. The first time I ate there I looked at the menu looking for just a sandwich. But it had things listed on the lunch menu like chips, biscuits, and something called a butty. The chips I thought made sense because that was something we had in America with lunch. Biscuits were usually for breakfast and I had no idea what a butty was. I was too embarrassed to ask for help so I just order tea and a side of chips.”

She paused as she smiled as if recalling the events from her younger days. Cullen turned his head ever so slightly to her. “Anyway when I received my order I was confused. I had the tea but instead of chips I had fries...I suppose that means nothing to you. Suffice to say they are both made from potatoes but prepared very differently. When I asked about it, the waitress gave me an amused grin. Apparently they had known I was confused and had taken bets whether I would ask for help or not.”

He turned fully towards her then, waiting for her to finish her story. “I swallowed my pride and asked what exactly the things on the menu were. Biscuits which are the same here in Thedas for me were actually cookies. A butty is a sandwich. They actually had a very good toasted ham and cheese sandwich that I liked.”

Cullen knew she had told the story to both illustrate what she originally meant by her question and to help put him at ease. Ever so gently her fingers curled around his hand to hold it tightly. “I only meant something like that. Not--”

He turned his hand over, palm up. Squeezing back lightly, the Commander murmured, “I know. It is...difficult sometimes to separate the good memories from the bad.”

“It’s the same for me,” she said quietly. “I...I had the job I always wanted and then I started a relationship with Bryan...I know there were some good times in there. I just can’t remember them as well as I want to because…”

The historian trialed as she looked down at their hands. He glanced at the work left to do on his desk and then to the bookshelf. Maybe spending the evening with Anyssa was better than--

“Varric gifted me a copy of all of his books…”

“Are you trying to distract me?”

He let a grin tug at his lips. “Perhaps. Or maybe both of us?”

She arched an eyebrow. “Cullen. You hate those books.”

“Maybe they would be more entertaining with the curious questions you usually ask,” he suggested as he moved away from her to the shelf. Releasing her hand, he heard her follow him.

He glossed over _The Tale of the Champion_ and instead selected _Hard in Hightown_. Turning to show her the book, he was greeted with a face of disdain. He found himself chuckling. “You haven’t even read it yet.”

“I really like Varric. I do, but the things I’ve heard of that book…”

“You’ll never know until you try,” he smirked, shaking the book at her. He ignored her noise of disgust that was unsettling similar to Cassandra’s and gestured to the chairs near his desk. “My lady?”

She made another face but sat down. Perhaps a distraction was what they both needed after all…

*******

An hour later, Anyssa had snatched the book from the Commander’s hands. He watched in amusement as she flipped through the pages, looking intently at the illustrations. She had been relatively quiet as he read to her, asking questions more about the layout of Kirkwall or how the city-guard worked or if Hightown was really divided into different quarters based on nation of origin. Answering her questions the best he could, he chuckled as she continued to thumb through the book.

“Nyssa, what are you looking for?”

“He didn’t put himself in this thing. At least not obviously so,” she noted as she held up the last illustration for him to see. “But he put his friends in here...This is supposed to be Hawke, isn’t it?”

Cullen rested his temple against his fist, his elbow on the chair’s armrest. “I was told Marielle was an amalgam of the Champion and her sister, Bethany.”

“He put all of his friends in here and I bet you know which bloody characters they are,” she replied, narrowing her eyes.

He allowed a grin to tug at his lips. He truly enjoyed seeing her interest being peaked so much. Watching her be fascinated by something he took for granted often served as a reminder that he should be thankful for the things he had and the choices he had been allowed to make in the recent months. “Perhaps.”

“ _Cullen!”_

“What?” he asked innocently. He knew she wanted to know but he felt like being cheeky. It wasn’t often that he allowed himself the option. Anyssa was always the exception to that.

“You know. _Please_?” she pleaded in a whiney tone as she set the book aside and leaned forward.

The Commander held his breath, not having expected her to come so close. The scent of her shampoo made its way to him. Cherry blossom. The soap and shampoo had become much more easy to find once they had secured Skyhold as their base. Even with that, it was not every day he noticed the fragrance. She truly had no idea the influence she held over him…

Swallowing hard, Cullen said hoarsely, “I--I have ideas...Unconfirmed by Varric but…”

“Tell me, pretty please?” she asked again with doe eyes. Then again maybe she knew she had some influence…

He took a breath and leaned back in the chair, putting some distance between them. “Very well...Donnen’s name is based on the actual guard-captain's husband’s name. Donnic. His last name is supposed to be based on another member of the guard. As for Guard Captain Hendallen, she is based on Aveline Hendyr. Her name before marrying Donnic was Vallen.”

“What of the others?” she prodded as she relaxed in her own chair, as she flicked her honey blonde hair over her shoulder.

Cullen watched the action with interest. He had come to like it when she wore her hair down. It had grown several inches since her arrival, and she had yet to cut it. He cleared his throat, willing his mind to concentrate on her question. “Yes, well, Maysie is Merrill, Captain Belladonna is Isabela, Ferris is Fenris...I believe Wael is Sebastian Vael while the unnamed healer is supposed to represent Anders…”

He watched as Anyssa frowned. “It seems like every character is based off of someone he knew...Is that the case for Jevlen? Or Seamus...who of course is dead…”

“I have no clear idea about Jevlen...Bethany mentioned that the description _not_ the personality reminded her of her twin brother, Carver, but Varric never met him. He died before the Hawkes were able to flee to Kirkwall,” the Commander explained with a shrug. “Seamus Dunwald might be based on Seamus Dumar, the Viscount’s son who died during the Qunari...problem.”

“Problem? They killed the Viscount and tried to destroy Kirkwall. Hawke had to fight the Arishok,” McBride exclaimed in shock. “That is understating the history of things isn’t it?”

He shot her an amused grin. “I would remind the lady that she already reminded me what the word interesting means. Perhaps my vocabulary is not up to her standards.”

“Or you could just enjoy annoying me,” she retorted as a grin graced her features.

They sat in contented silence for a few moments until the bells tolled. Cullen glanced up at the window behind his desk. Stars shown through the narrow opening. He sighed. “Perhaps we should call it a night, my lady. It is getting late and you--”

“Still haven’t read these other literary masterpieces Varric gifted you,” she finished for him, making no motion to leave.

He looked into her ice blue eyes, finding no desire to leave his tower. He found himself not wanting her to leave either. “I suppose we could at least begin one more…”

He was rewarded with the smile he treasured seeing each day. Anyssa reached for a thinner book from the bottom. The spine read _The Dasher’s Men_. He frowned; he had never heard of that one.

She opened it and flipped to the title page. “It was written in 9:18 Dragon...This is his first work...He actually gave you a copy of it! He said it didn’t sell as well as his others…”

Cullen settled back into his chair as he listened to her read the story of two casteless brothers caught in between the feuding Carta clans. Her voice eventually put him in a state of extreme relaxation. Something he had not experienced in a very long time. Between his duties, the nightmares, and his withdrawals it just didn’t happen, not to mention he did not know how to relax on his own. Yet a book read by a woman alien to his world was able to get him there.

His relationship with Anyssa had not made sense to him from the very beginning. As their friendship grew he knew she was special. The near miss with the avalanche had brought into focus exactly what he thought of her. Since then he had found himself paying even more attention to things. The little things that he only thought lovers would notice. He had no practical experience with that. His friendships didn’t fare much better.

Regardless, he would keep his promises to her and would do damn near anything to keep her in his life. He glanced over at her with a slight tilt of his head. She paused glancing up to meet his gaze. She grinned and blushed but continued reading. Finding himself grinning as well, he decided he didn’t care about quantifying his relationship and instead wanted to focus on keeping it.

Maybe taking time now and then to read Varric’s questionable books with Anyssa would be a thing to work into his routine. He knew she would not object. He could figure out everything else later. For once, he had time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW-- I was lucky enough to win first place in Kemvee's giveaway last month. She wrote an awesome 5000+ word fic about Cullen and the Inquisitor called "Courting 101." If you have a chance, please go read it. It is awesome as are all of her stories 😊
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25336801


	28. Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa has a very frank discussion with the ever-blunt Cassandra. Despite their rocky start in Haven, the Seeker wishes to impart some advice concerning opening up to others as well as to a specific person who just happens to be the Commander of the Inquisition's forces.

If Anyssa was perfectly honest with herself about one thing, it would be that she had become a total nerd about Thedas. Everything. The cultures. The history. The languages. The customs. The varying religions. The fact that so much of it reflected what she had studied in college. Medieval history had been one of her specialties on Earth. She frequently leant her talents and knowledge to art museums, galleries, and private collectors to have their items appraised and authenticated. To be able to experience everything she had studied in real life albeit in a different world was any historian’s dream.

Several members of the Inner Circle frequently teased her about her infatuation with their world, with the things they took for granted. It was one of the few times she wasn’t too shy to snap back at them. About how fascinating it was to her and how she could at least understand those things since magic was still such a foreign concept. Varric, Dorian, and Josephine frequently indulged her questions without much fuss, just a tease here and there. Vivienne and Solas would humor her to a degree and she had learned when their patience was near its end. Bull, the Charges, and Blackwall offered views on things that definitely were in the more popular takes on history but offered insights Anyssa had never considered. Then there was Sera. She had no idea what to do with the elven woman except listen and eventually things made sense. Cole was a complete mystery to her. Leliana and Cullen indulged her inquiries when their duties allowed, sometimes sending her notes via messenger about something they had thought about afterwards. That left Cassandra, who while not overly excited at first to share knowledge, did so more freely now, almost like a teacher.

Now Anyssa sat at a table above the forge with the Seeker, sharing a cup of some kind of tea. Cassandra only said that it was good for one’s health over all. It tasted herbal in nature, but she couldn’t pin point the exact ingredients. The Nevarran was entitled to some secrets and Anyssa just accepted the tea’s origin would be one of them. They had been quietly discussing how the Inquisition had come into being, the writ Divine Justinia had provided for its rebirth, and what the Seeker ultimately believed its mission and purpose should be. She had very strong beliefs on all three points and it showed.

Anyssa learned that while Cassandra was not fond of speaking needlessly, that did not mean she could not speak strongly about what she believed. She spoke with an honesty that was refreshing to the historian. The Seeker didn’t candy coat things. She was blunt and sometimes harsh, but she felt that the truth should be heard. Anyssa knew that several others of the Inner Circle worded their responses and reactions carefully, afraid they would upset her, bring up some horrible memory from her past, or simply confuse her. Anyssa wasn’t stupid; she often felt their well-meaning intentions were unnecessary and somewhat demeaning, but she said nothing.

Cassandra, however, had never done anything of that nature since day one. Despite a rocky start, they had become something akin to friends or at least good acquaintances. Anyssa wasn’t sure but she thought the Seeker enjoyed having someone to talk to that hadn’t grown up under the doctrine of the Chantry and could offer an outside view on things.

“You surely understand more now than you did when you first came to us,” the Seeker noted as she set her cup down.

“I do...It’s just all so... _overwhelming_ sometimes. Trying to act like I belong here when I’m still learning how to be one of you,” Anyssa admitted.

“But you are acclimating to Thedas and the Inquisition well,” the other woman insisted. “Most would have shrank back from everything, being forced into a completely different world, having to relearn everything amongst strangers, being thrust into the middle of a war you know nothing about.”

“Yeah...That was...hard. It still is…” she trailed off, glancing down at the forge. New swords were being made today per Cullen’s request.

“You wear armor that is stronger than any I have known,” Cassandra replied as she tea another sip of her tea.

Anyssa turned back to her in confusion. “Armor? No, I--You, Cullen, Blackwall, Evie...You wear armor...I just--”

“I meant metaphorical armor I suppose. You protect yourself with it from anything and everything that can hurt you. It is a useful skill and defense mechanism,” Cassandra offered. “But it can also keep you from those that would care for you.”

Ice blue eyes met dark brown ones as Anyssa grasped her cup with both hands. “I have been hurt in the past…”

“We all have. Some more than others, but would you let that keep you from someone who could replace all that hurt with love?”

Anyssa averted her eyes as they heard the forge door open. “I...I don’t know.”

Both women let their gaze fall upon the Commander of the Inquisition’s army as he came into view. As he talked to the head forge, the Seeker smirked, “I think you do. You are simply too cowardly to admit it.”

“What _?”_ Anyssa exclaimed.

“You heard me, Anyssa,” she grinned over her cup, her eyes still focused on Cullen.

No one had ever actually called Anyssa a coward before. Inwardly she knew the Seeker was correct. She was scared of many things. Having someone break through her armor as the Seeker called it was one of them. Cassandra wasn’t the first to hint at something between her and the Commander either. Could something with him really be different?

“Anyssa,” the short haired woman said. “You both wear armor for your own protection. But there is a time to lay that armor aside and trust others to protect you.”

Anyssa said nothing as she watched the Commander turn around, seemingly ready to leave. Stopping as if hearing something he glanced up to see Anyssa looking back; Cassandra of course of conveniently out of view of the lower floors. He gave her a wide smile and nodded and then head out of the forge.

“See?” the Seeker’s voice came.

“See what, Cassandra?”

“You are smiling. He saw you didn’t he?”

“He...may have.”

“I have only seen him lay down his armor so to speak a hand full of times since coming to know Cullen and that seems more likely to occur since your arrival.”

“I...don’t’....Really?”

“Yes,” Cassandra said as she stood up and collected the tea pot and cups.

Anyssa watched as she walked away, mulling over her words and Cullen’s smile. As she had come to expect, the Seeker was characteristically blunt, sometimes tactless. This time she seemed to have the truth of the matter on her side. Anyssa made a face as she followed her down the steps. Now she’d have to figure out if she really could let someone in, more than as a friend. Did she want to do that? _Could_ she do that? Did another person want to try to weigh through all her emotional baggage? She had no idea, but as Cassandra said if she didn’t lay aside her armor occasionally she would never know if people really wanted to or not.


	29. Sword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen reflects on the progress Anyssa has made since arriving in Thedas as well as the bits of her troubled past on Earth he has put together. Continuing to keep the promises he made to her, Cullen is forced to reveal why some of his soldiers have been sent to the Fallow Mire and the Emprise. Anyssa, in response, asks something of him that only he can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***possible trigger warning***  
> This chapter near the beginning revolves around what Cullen has uncovered about Anyssa's past relationship with Bryan. It focuses on the process of emotional abuse he believes she went through on Earth but no explicit details are given. Just be aware of this if you are sensitive to it.

Cullen sat at his desk signing off on reports and orders to have the forward base camp enlarged. With more recruits filtering into Skyhold each day, the ancient keep simply did not have the room required to house and train them all properly. Luckily the surrounding area did provide several usable locations that were also easily defendable. A meeting with his officers earlier that morning had revealed that despite the work required to build the camps, the soldiers seemed agreeable to the task. As Rylen had said it gave them something to do besides train.

Glancing up at the narrow windows of his office, he knew immediately by the sunlight filtering in that he had once again missed the afternoon meal. He sighed and continued with the task at hand. He would make a stop by the kitchens later and grab a bite to eat, perhaps on his way to visit Nyssa. He had not seen her since drills that morning but was sure she had her own hands full with her own duties as well as anything else Josephine might ask of her.

As he signed the reports his repetitive motions let his mind wander. She had come to them under the most unusual circumstances but had continued to adapt well to her situation. Her initial reservations to engage anyone in anything had slowly faded into just simple shyness. He had come to discover that she was naturally quiet but that did not mean she was cold or uncaring. She chose to listen first before saying anything. Sometimes her enthusiasm for something won out and she would be giddy and talkative. Other times she would be pensive and withdrawn, memories of her previous life playing shadows over her current one. Or her natural insecurities plaguing her to the point of doubting everything.

Anyssa had come far but he knew she still struggled with the fact she could choose now. That her choices from the past need not have a hold of her in Thedas, that she could slowly let go of that past, of her life with the man, Bryan, who was supposed to have loved her. Cullen had never received the story in one sitting. The best he had done was to listen as she imparted bits and pieces of the man and their relationship.

He knew she had fallen through a frozen lake trying to escape him resulting in her trip through a rift to Thedas. At the time of her arrival she had been deathly afraid the man was going to hurt her or worse. After that he had pieced together that Bryan had been a gentlemen in the beginning, charming his way into Anyssa’s life. Slowly he changed or more accurately in his mind revealed his true colors. Anyssa was not unintelligent and was certainly a lovely sight to those interested but she had a caring nature. She wanted to believe the best about everyone and gave them the benefit of the doubt whether they had earned it or not.

  
She in her own words had ignored the warning signs and red flags and continued with the relationship for over two years. It had apparently started with subtle attempts at control increasing to verbal abuse. Eventually he had resorted to threats of physical violence when she did not comply with his wishes exactly how he wanted. Regardless, the man favored psychological games and isolation. The result had been for Anyssa to lose her friends, her freedom of choice, her confidence, her sense of self as well as the feeling of safety within her own home.

Cullen had gone out of his way in an attempt to help rebuild what Bryan had damaged. He hoped that while Anyssa was a victim of abuse, he wanted her to see herself as a survivor. He wanted her to know that she could be more than just a victim and be whole again. It would take time, but he firmly believed she could do it if those around her helped.

A knock at the door near the bookshelves jolted him out of his thoughts. It was a soft knock and he smiled. _Nyssa_.

“Enter,” he called out as he pushed the stack of reports to the side.

The door opened slowly, revealing the subject of his thoughts. She held a book and parchment in her arms as she shot him a small grin. “Are you busy?”

“I am always busy, but I could use a bit of a break I suppose,” he admitted as he rolled his wrist. He had been signing away his name for the better part of the afternoon. He motioned for her to take the empty seat beside the desk. “Please, come in.”

McBride nodded as she closed the door behind her. She did not sit as he had offered though. Instead she stood by the bookshelf, looking it over as she looked to replace the book she had borrowed. He waited patiently for her to make another selection, but she didn’t. Keeping her focus on the shelf, she fiddled with the parchment in her hands. She was nervous. Why?

“Nyssa, is something the matter? You asked if I were busy,” he noted turning in his chair fully to face her.

She glanced at him with a apprehensive expression. “Ummm, Cassandra talked to me before she left with Evie for the Hinterlands. She said that...I should talk to you about something.”

Cullen arched an eyebrow. The Seeker and historian had not started off on the best terms but had recently begun to warm up to one another. Cullen trusted the Nevarran woman with his life and his secret but what would she think Anyssa needed to discuss with him? “Is that so?”

The honey-blonde nodded as she chewed her bottom lip. “I--I noticed some of the soldiers--the rowdier ones looking at me. Dirty looks and making comments I couldn’t really hear....Some of the other soldiers, like Rylen, they just grin at me. Rylen said it was nothing to worry about and that you’d take care of it. I didn’t understand until I mentioned it to Cassandra…”

“ _What_ did Rylen say I would take care of? Have any of my men been...inappropriate towards you?” Cullen asked, his stomach suddenly lurching at the thought. He had already sent men to the Fallow Mire for such comments back in Haven. Now he sent them to the frozen plains of Emprise du Lion. Although the Western Approach was looking like a better choice.

“Your men? No, not really. Just what I mentioned,” Anyssa replied with a shake of her head. “The merchants and traders at the tavern keep to themselves after Krem and the Charges had a few words with them. I suppose I am confused as to why _your_ men haven’t tried anything or at the very least said something.”

“I thought that would be a relief to you,” Cullen noted, confused by her question. “What has this to do with Cassandra?”

Anyssa cocked her head in that way she did when she knew he already knew the answer. “Just because I’m not from here doesn’t mean I can’t connect the dots. I might be a little slow sometimes but I still--”

“You aren't slow,” he interjected, not liking it when she said anything that sounded like she was putting herself down.

“ _Cullen_ ,” she said in frustration, her nervousness gone. He knew that tone, the one she used when she was losing her patience. “You know _why_ your men actively avoid me now. I get glares but no one…No one tries anything…It’s not that I want their attention. I don’t but you did something didn’t you? _What_ did you do?”

The Commander averted his eyes as she stared at him. Of course Cassandra knew what he had done. She had cautioned him against acting overly protective. She had said Anyssa would have to relearn how to deal with unwanted attention. Threatening his men with disciplinary actions beforehand would not help her learn that in the long run. He had only partially listened to his friend.

“I only sought to prevent any member of the Inquisition from feeling... _uncomfortable_ in their service with us,” he replied diplomatically. He had made a general declaration to his men and to each batch of new recruits they received. “The men under my command will not treat others inappropriately as long as I am their commanding officer. I won’t allow the abuses of the Circle to happen here.”

It was true. He didn’t want the Inquisition to be a repeat of the Circle or the Order. The Inquisition would do better, be better. It was a personal crusade of his after a fashion. He wanted to do better and be better therefore the Inquisition would be as well.

He saw her move to stand beside his chair from the corner of his eye. Remaining quiet, he expected his answer to stand on its own. It was a sound explanation that shouldn’t have been questioned by anyone. But this was Anyssa. She questioned everything.

“Did you give such a talk to your men before I arrived?”

And there it was. Not a questioning of the rightness of the order he had given but the timeliness of it. He glanced up at her, his head slightly tilted to the left. “No.”

“So it was because of me,” she murmured as she looked thoughtfully towards the hearth. The fire crackled and popped as he waited for her to gather her thoughts. Something else clearly still had her attention.

He opened his mouth to ask her, but she turned her eyes back to him, cutting him off. The intensity of her expression made him freeze. “Why...Why did you send those men to the Fallow Mire in Haven?”

She knew. How long had she knew? Would she think he unsuitable for command or to be her friend if he answered her honestly? Truthfully he did not know how to lie to her. He had never been good at it anyway and considered it dishonorable especially with what he had lived through at the Gallows.

“They intended to take advantage of you and several other young ladies at Haven. I could not let that stand,” he answered hoping that was enough.

“You could have assigned them extra drills or patrols. I’ve seen you do it before,” she noted. “I’ve seen you assign latrine duty as well. Why the Mire then and why the Emprise now?”

“Because they meant you harm! I couldn’t let that happen!” he exclaimed raising to his feet before rational thought could take over. She knew of his actions at Skyhold as well it seemed, and that knowledge spurred on the protectiveness that had overcome him initially in Haven. He couldn’t bear anything happening to her.

Anyssa took a step back as he looked down at her desperate for her to understand. “Please don’t--don’t walk away...I--”

She shook her head. “I wasn’t but you…”

He bowed his head, clenching his hands in fists. Quietly he admitted, “I cannot let anything happen to you, Nyssa.”

“Nothing has. I’m right here,” she assured him as she stepped toward him once more.

Cullen lifted his head to look at her sincere ice blue eyes. He raised his hand to ghost a gloved hand over her cheek. “Nys…”

He watched in utter amazement as she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand. After a moment he found his voice again. It was barely above a whisper as he confessed, “I _can’t_ let anything happen to you. I can’t bear the thought of you being harmed by anyone especially if I can prevent it. You had no one to protect you before you came here. I would give anything to have been able to protect you then...But I know I can protect you _here_ and _now_. Maybe not always with my sword but I can do it. I _will_ do it. You have thrived since coming to us and I won’t see that cease. If I must send soldiers to undesirable postings to make that clear then so be it.”

When she didn’t say anything in response he feared he had gone too far. Using his position to protect one person was by definition selfish.

_You know how to protect. That's why you're the commander. You know who to protect. You care more than you let on and it hurts you when you believe you have failed. You have an insurmountable task ahead but taking solace in protecting one important individual is not selfish._

Trevelyan’s words echoed in the back of his mind as he chanced to look up at Anyssa. The near miss with the avalanche had made him acknowledge what she meant to him and why. The Inquisitor had spoken all those months ago about taking comfort in his ability to protect at least one person, someone who was important to him. That person was Anyssa.

He used his thumb to caress her cheek as she opened her eyes. “Are you upset with me?”

She shook her head against his hand. “I just wanted to understand.”

Relief flooded his enter being as he asked gently, “Those men that stare, they haven’t--”

“No,” she replied before he could finish. She gave him a grin. “But you can’t go running everyone through with a sword if they look at me the wrong way.”

“I was _not_ the one who had you at sword point when you first arrived,” he smirked referring to the less than hospitable nature of Seeker Pentaghast’s first encounter with her. “I believe _I_ was the one who kept her from declaring you a demon.”

“You stood between me and Cassandra,” Anyssa recalled as she smiled. “I thought she was going to use the sword on _you_.”

Cullen shook his head. “Cassandra is impulsive and somewhat temperamental, but she can be reasoned with as you have discovered. Your conversation over tea on the landing above the forge most certainly proved that.”

She made a face as she poked him in the chest plate. “You are being nosey.”

He held up both hands in surrender. “I did not know you were there until I heard an exclamation of surprise or outrage. I wasn’t sure but it sounded like you. When I left I glanced up to chance a sight of you.”

He watched as she crossed her arms as if to pout. She remained quiet for a long moment glaring at the fire. He let her collect her thoughts hoping he had not actually upset her. Finally she turned to him, shyness returning. “Did...Did you mean it? That you would have protected me on Earth if…”

“Maker, _yes_ ,” he replied without missing a beat. “How could I have not? How could no one have been there for you? I would have used my sword on that mongrel for what he did to you.”

Anyssa moved to stand in front of him again, placing on a hand on his chest plate above his heart. “Don’t say that last part. You are better than him. You don’t have to use your sword to protect every time…”

He looked at her tenderly, resisting the urge to cup her cheek again. “Nys, I--”

“You could’ve decked him really hard though,” she offered with a grin, blue eyes shining.

He grinned in return. She was going to be fine--

“You called me _Nys_ ,” she said softly, as she bowed her head.

“I--I didn’t realize I did.”

She nodded as she raised her head to look at him once more. “Will you--Could you keep doing it? Only you though?”

“You wish me to continue?”

She nodded. “ _Only_ you.”

He couldn’t help the broad smile that spread across his face. A name only he would call her, no one else. An endearment of sorts that only he would be able to use. A part of him felt pride that only he would be able to use it but more than that he was proud that she trusted him enough to make the request.

“Of course... _Nys_.”

The Earth woman’s smile beamed up at him giving him every confidence that through the use of his sword, his actions, and his words that he would be able to protect her, to be what she needed, what she had been missing for so long. He could not admit to her that she was the exact some thing for him. Regardless, he would cherish every moment he was gifted with Anyssa and hoped she realized how much he truly appreciated her one day if she didn’t already.


	30. Weapons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sera asks Anyssa for help with a prank. The historian reluctantly agrees to the Red Jenny's request but dreads the results. Unfortunately for her, the target has infinite patience when planning revenge.

“I’m sorry. You want to do _what_?” asked Anyssa as she sat at a table in the second floor of the tavern.

Sera somehow talked her into following her upstairs under the guise of answering some questions about the Red Jennys and her views on nobles. Of course it had been for a totally different reason. A prank. She wanted to prank the Inquisition’s Commander and thought the historian could help her accomplish her mission.

“I wanna put a bunch a’ bees in commander uptight’s office,” sera repeated with a grin. “You can help, yeah?”

“Sera! I can’t put bees in his office!” She exclaimed.

“Oy! Wha’? No, weirdy. I’d be doin’ the work. You just provide a good spot,” the blonde elf corrected.

“I—why would I help?”

“‘Cause you know he needs a bit of funning. Bein’ uptight all the time isn’t good for ‘im ya know?”

The elf had a point, but she wasn’t sure about her cure for Cullen’s problem. But bees?

“Sera, why bees?”

“‘Cause nobody expects ‘em. And everybody runs like mad when they see a bunch of ‘em. Makes things interestin’. Makes some big hats easier pickin’s too.”

“You use bees as your weapons of choice?”

“Yeah, figured you’d know that by now, bein’ all smart and stuff. They’re good for prankin’ with too.”

Anyssa took a breath. The elven woman who insisted she had nothing to do with elves and more to do with the little people as she put it was asking her to help prank Cullen. She said he was uptight all the time. To those that saw Cullen every day, perhaps he was, but Anyssa had seen another side of him, one he only showed in private and was still rare. It was the one Cassandra had mentioned with she said he put aside his armor and the Seeker was convinced he did it more with the historian than anyone else.

“Sera, I think I know what you’re getting at, but bees? Really?”

“You think he’s uptight too! I know you do. I’ve seen you rollin’ yer eyes when he says something stupid, all business and no fun.”

The historian sighed. “I--”

“Hasn’t he done somethin’ that needs a prank? Said somethin’, done somethin’ to you prank worthy?”

Anyssa must have made a face because the elf’s eyes lit up. “Oy! He has!”

Exhaling sharply, the Earth woman said softly, “He was--Josie, Vivienne, and Dorian were talking in the ambassador’s office about redoing my wardrobe to make it more appropriate for my position and cover story and he walked in. He said he had no opinion when asked. Then he called out the color blue later. Anyway when he was leaving, Dorian teased him about my need for under garments. I--He said he had no opinion again. I didn’t believe him, so I asked him. He got embarrassed and then answered and ran out the door...The other three have not let me live that down since.”

“You wanna prank him cause he has a thought on your under pants?”

“It’s petty.”

“It’s _perfect_. If he has a thought he should tell you. If he has thoughts about the bits under the pants he should tell you. Too many serious thoughts and not enough fun thoughts.”

“It won’t hurt him, will it?”

“Nah, that’s not the point of the prank. He’s not the bad ‘un anyway.”

“The training dummy in his office. He doesn’t bother it unless he’s throwing daggers…”

“That’s perfect. Thanks weirdy.”

“Sera, don’t tell him I told--”

“Red Jenny’s honor.”

********************

“I know Sera was in here and when I find out what she’s done, I will...do something back,” Cullen growled as a messenger made to leave.

“Of course, ser,” the dwarven woman replied as she left the office.

Anyssa entered to see the Commander pacing, eyes darting around the room. He hadn’t discovered the bees yet a few days later. She took a deep breath and presented him with a list of areas that had elven sites Corypheus might be interested in. “Are you alright, Cullen?”

“ _No_ ,” he snapped. “That...Red Jenny elf thinks she can sneak in here without my knowledge. The watch reported seeing her slinking about earlier.”

“Oh,” Anyssa said, knowing he was not in a good mood at all. Maybe helping Sera had not been the best idea after all. “Maybe she just thinks you need to relax a little.”

“Pranks do not fall under my definition of relaxation. Besides there is simply too much to be done.”

She arched her eyebrow. “So I shouldn’t stop by later to badger you with questions or borrow a book?”

He looked at her. “No... that’s not…. That is: I welcome the distraction you present.”

“I’m a distraction?”

“No! That’s not what I meant...I enjoy spending time with you…” he corrected as he picked up his set of throwing daggers. “I just...Her pranks _frustrate_ me.”

Her ice blue eyes fell to the daggers. He was going to throw them…”As do I...but I need to...I have some other things I need to attend to. I will see you later.”

She fled from the office, leaving Cullen staring after her in confusion. As she reached the door to the rotunda, she heard a roar from the Commander’s tower. “ _SERA!!!!”_

They were going to be in so much trouble…

*******

“It's a... peace offering?” Cullen said with disbelief as he looked down at the batch of Ferelden sugar cookies in the box on his desk.

“Yes,” his runner replied simply.

Golden eyes continued to look at the baked goods suspiciously. “Sera used the word ‘peace offering.’ “

“Yes, ser,” the dwarf confirmed.

“Someone’s helping her,” he noted confidently. Dismissing his runner, he glanced at the new training dummy that had been brought into the office. The other met its untimely demise after being hurled over the side of the battlements along with Sera’s bees.

Looking back at the cookies, his curiosity got the better of him. Tasting a tiny bite, he quickly downed the rest of it. They were good, almost as good as his mother’s. Only two people knew of his weak spot for sugar cookies. Josephine and Anyssa. He would wager one of them had helped the elf. Josephine hated pranks, having been the victim of Leliana’s on more than one occasion. That left Anyssa. The question was why had she helped in the first place and how did he pay her back? He was a patient man and knew the opportunity would eventually present itself. Patience could be just as effective a weapon as any sword or those damnedable bees, and Cullen had plenty when properly motivated.


	31. Orlais

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wardrobe Vivienne had made for Anyssa arrives and the mage offers some words of wisdom that Anyssa realizes she should follow if she is to ever have a real life in Thedas.

“These will look exquisite on you, my dear,” Vivienne commented as she glanced over the rack of clothing. “My seamstress did a marvelous job.”

Several large trunks had arrived that morning containing the clothes the Court Enchanter had ordered made for Anyssa. While the light blue color suggested by Cullen graced a large amount of the wardrobe, many other colors were present too, including the shades of lavender Vivienne had suggested.

Anyssa looked at each piece closely. Not inspecting them precisely. It was more that she was in awe that she had such nice clothes and people had made sure she had them. Vivienne had outdone herself. “Will you please pass along my thanks to your seamstress?”

“Of course, darling. She will be thrilled to hear it,” the mage replied, her dark eyes fixed on a dress that while not formal wasn’t casual either.

“And I thank _you_ , Lady Vivienne, very much,” Anyssa added as she touched one of the fancier dresses. “I have never had clothes so fine.”

“I am happy to help correct that mistake then,” Vivienne said as she pulled the dress she was focused on. “This is the one you should wear first. You are not engaging in your exploratory duties today correct?”

Anyssa nodded. “I have meetings with Josephine and some of Leliana and Cullen’s people today.”

“Very good,” the older woman replied as she handed the dress to her. “Be a dear and try this on while I am here. I’d like to see how well Jeselle did with it.”

Anyssa nodded and headed behind the dressing screen. Vivienne mused as she looked over the accessories that accompanied the clothing, “My dear, I know your background details you as Fereldan in origin, but you are also traveled and studied abroad. Your...fashion sense should reflect that.”

“Are you saying I should not just wear Fereldan styled clothes?” She asked as she began undressing behind the privacy screen. She knew Vivienne thought Fereldan fashion simplistic and backward.

The Court Enchanter chortled. “That is _exactly_ what I am suggesting, my dear. There is a time and place for everything, including fashion. You must learn to dress according to what is expected from the occasion and exceed those expectations. I’m sure you can understand the necessity of that.”

“I suppose. You learned that for yourself didn’t you?” Anyssa asked setting her clothes aside in a neat pile. “You don’t originally hail from Orlais do you?”

“Quite right, my dear. My parents were simple merchants from Rivain while I was born in Wycome in the Free Marches. I was sent to the Ostwick Circle until I was 19. I transferred to the Montsimmard Circle where I continued to excel at both my scholarly endeavors and the Game. I became a full-fledged mage at a young age and elected not to join a fraternity. The scandal it caused!”

“You enjoyed every minute of it,” the historian noted pulling on the dress. She couldn’t imagine doing that for herself.

“Of course,” Vivienne said. “I am perfectly comfortable with who I am and make no apologies for that or my views. I am perfectly transparent in what I want. Half-truths make for poor taste and where is the fun in that?”

Anyssa considered her words. Granted she and the mage had little in common but they got along just fine. Her kind gesture of the clothes in return for locating the missing Circle tomes showed how genuine Vivienne could be. She only wished she could be more open like the enchanter.

“My dear, you are awfully quiet even for you. Is something the matter?” The older woman asked as she neared the screen.

“I think I might need help fastening this,” Anyssa replied knowing that was not the answer the mage was looking for.

Vivienne rounded the privacy screen and looked at her progress so far. She gave an approving smile. “My dear, you look wonderful.”

Anyssa felt her cheeks redden as she murmured her thanks. The mage worked the fasteners without trouble as she mentioned, “I realize you are still acclimating to your new situation and your background provided by our spymaster, but you must realize you can make this life your own. You have been given a rare gift most would clamor for. A blank slate if you will. You can make it what you want.”

Anyssa turned slightly to the woman as she fiddled with her hair. “You mean make it mine within the confines of the role and story I’ve been given?”

“To a degree your improvised background will play a factor but going forward _you_ determine your direction, not the spymaster, not the Inquisition, not some echo from you past. You must be the deciding factor in your fate,” Vivienne stated firmly as she came to stand in front of Anyssa. “Am I Orlesian by birth? No. Did my status in the imperial court come to me by birth? No. Was my rank amongst the mages achieved by my raw talent? No. I worked for everything I have. I _crafted_ my fate. I did not let others decide that for me. Being Orlesian means learning to play the Game and winning. Your ambitions may not be the same as mine or as grand, but you will accomplish nothing by sitting idly by letting others determine your fate.”

Anyssa chewed her bottom lip as the enchanter turned to regard the other clothes. She was right but Anyssa had never been particularly good at asserting herself. Moving to study herself in the ornate mirror, she realized she loved the dress. Everything about it and she owed it all to Vivienne. Well almost all of it. She owed the color choice to Cullen…

"I will see that the rest of your affects are brought to your room," Vivienne offered as she turned to her. "Now off you go. Your commander will want to see the end results of his suggestion. I believe this is the time he is usually in the sparring ring."

Anyssa visibly balked at the suggestion but could say nothing. The mage made as shooing motion. "If there is one thing to take away from what I have told you today, be brave, darling, or you will never be truly happy."

The enchanter said nothing further signaling that their conversation was over. Anyssa took a deep breath and left the parlor. Maybe the older woman was right. Nothing would change if she didn't take a chance. So many people had told her that in recent months. Perhaps it was time she listened.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Vivienne had of course been correct. He had been sparring with some of the more advanced recruits when she first took up her customary vantage point. He still had never verbally acknowledged the fact he knew she watched him. Resting against the stone wall, she watched as Cullen's opponent switched off with a Templar Knight-Captain. But as was usual now, the Commander shed his armor and was shirtless. Anyssa knew now that Evie had been right. He did it on purpose.

The fact he looked up at her at that exact moment confirmed it. Fine. He enjoyed giving her a show, probably trying to help overcome her shyness in some way. Regardless she knew Cullen well enough to know that he had a hidden mischievous side underneath all the properness and propriety. She sighed and let herself indulge in the sight below her. She would not argue against the fact the Commander was well built. In fact he was downright handsome but there was so much more to him than just that. She was discovering that slowly as he allowed her to.

Smiling to herself, she thought about what that might mean overall. She supposed she should just let things unfold as they happened…

_Be brave…_

Vivienne's words echoed in her head. She didn't have to be as ambitious as the court enchanter, but she didn't have to sit idly by either…

~~~~~~~~~

"Cullen? Knight-Lieutenant Lyssete said you were…" Anyssa paused mid-sentence as she pushed opened the door from the rotunda side of the tower. "Oh my…"

"Would you please close the door? I do not fancy the nobles clamoring into my office to see me like this," the Commander requested as he gestured to his state of undress.

Anyssa quickly complied as he noted wryly, "You need not look at me that way, Nyssa. You have seen me shirtless numerous times by now."

She made a face as she attempted to find her voice. "You--you were far away."

Cullen chuckled as he reached for his shirt. "Does it make a difference?"

She averted her eyes. She knew he had planned this. _Somehow_. He meant to embarrass her but to what end? Did it bother him that she watched, and this was her pay back?

His shirt on but still unbuttoned, the Commander came to stand in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw some of the scars that marred his chest, that told part of his life story as a Templar. She also saw him reach for her, his hand cupping her cheek. Tilting her head up, she saw nothing but tenderness and adoration in his expression. "Josephine told me your clothes from Val Royeaux arrived this morning...I thought there was a possibility you might show me, and I wanted to change before that. I did not plan on being in a state of undress when that happened."

"But the sparring ring--"

"I get warm sparring with the men sometimes, so I shed my armor and occasionally my shirt. It was common during training sessions in the Order…" Cullen explained as his expression became sheepish. "However, when the Inquisitor brought to my attention what you had been doing...I _may_ have let my male pride overrule my sensibilities."

Anyssa knew her eyes went wide at his confession as he turned pink. Slowly she murmured, "You--you _wanted_ me to see?"

He rubbed the back of his neck as he nodded. "It was forward of me and very inappropriate. Forgive me."

Involuntarily she found herself shaking her head. "No. I...I mean you don't...it's okay... _I liked it_."

She squealed out the last part as she covered her mouth. Her embarrassment doubled as she watched the surprised expression dawn on his face. Slowly a shy grin played across his features. "I like what I see as well."

Anyssa was confused until she watched his golden eyes take all of her in. Wringing her hands in front of her she murmured, "I just thought you might want to see one of the dresses."

"You are lovely...as _always_ ," he whispered sincerely. She glanced up to see the genuine smile he wore when he complimented her. She couldn't help but smile back despite her anxiety. It was Cullen, and he was honest.

"Thank you," she said as she realized she was brave, at least in that moment. She hadn't run, hadn't rejected his words, hadn't made a self-deprecating remark. It wasn't as grand a gesture as Vivienne would have made but for her it was huge. Cullen made things easy. He made being brave easy. Maybe eventually she could learn to do that on her own.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

BTW--This is what I had in mind for Anyssa's dress in this chapter if you are interested...

<https://www.pinterest.com/pin/789889222123458924/>


	32. Nugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leliana calls Anyssa to a meeting to discuss the cover story the Inquisition has created for her. But what is a meeting with the Spymaster without discussing nugs?

“I--Thank you for continuing to provide cover for me, Sister Leliana,” Anyssa said as she sat at the Spymaster’s table in the rookery. The ever-present ravens making the occasional caw sound but nothing else. All the usual messengers, runners, and agents had been dismissed for their meeting.

“It has become something of a pet project for me,” the red head grinned from underneath her hood. “Keeping one step ahead of any possible hole that could be punched into our story. It would not do to have those looking for anything to use against us to discover your true origins.”

“You think where I’m from could be dangerous?” she asked uncertainly.

“Possibly. The Game has many players. Regardless, knowing that someone was able to come to Thedas through a rift, the Fade…They may seek to use that knowledge in an attempt to enter your world and use something from your world to make themselves more powerful in this one.”

“I had...hoped that wouldn’t be an issue…” Anyssa murmured, recalling Cullen’s words on the subject.

_You must be cautious with you who interact with. Only the advisors and the Inner Circle know about your true arrival here. Please take care if you discuss it with them. You never know who could be listening. You never know what someone’s true intentions are._

“Someone else has told you the same thing,” the spymaster pointed out, noting her tone and posture.

Anyssa nodded. “Cullen...not long after we came up with the story in Haven. He was rather adamant about it. Still is.”

“That is good. You should listen to him. Cullen is one of the most cautious men I have known--with good reason. The fact he has elected to watch over you is… _fortuitous_ ,” Leliana noted as she passed a bundle of papers to the historian. “These are records verifying everything we have established as well as some more in-depth notes. Please memorize the notes and destroy them as you have the others.”

“I will. Thank you again. I--” A squeak echoed in the rookery. “What was that?”

“Oh! I almost forgot! How horrible of me!” the spymaster exclaimed as she quickly rose and walked to a crate near one of the narrow windows. “My associate Sparrow sent this one especially for you. I thought you might be lonely now and then. They have always brought me great comfort since my friend Elyssa gifted me my first.”

The Spymaster beaconed her over as she removed the top. Anyssa bent over to see a black ball with ears. “What...is it?”

“It is a nug. A black one from a litter my Schmooples II and Boulette had several months ago,” Leliana explained excitedly as she scooped the nug up, holding it as if it was a baby. “They are sweet creatures, very empathetic to those that care for them.”

She held it out for Anyssa to take. Hesitantly, the historian took the animal. To her it looked like a hairless bunny of some sort; the skin being softer and smoother than she thought. It’s dark eyes looked up at her and let out a soft squeak. Anyssa smiled at the cute sound. “Does it have a name?”

“ _She_ does not. I thought you would like to name her,” Leliana replied. “I can have all the supplies you will need sent to your quarters if you--”

“I will!” Anyssa exclaimed as she cuddled the nug, causing a wave of contented squeaks from the small animal. “I--I’ve never been given a pet before. Thank you Leliana.”

“I can show you everything that needs to be done for her care,” the Spymaster said. “It will be nice to have someone to speak with about them. Nugs aren’t for everyone.”

Anyssa continued to grin as the spymaster watched. “You really must smile more. It compliments your whole being so wonderfully.”

“I...I haven’t had a lot to smile about in recent years...until I came to Thedas,” she replied stroking the nug between its ears.

“Change can be wonderful but frightening at the same time,” the red head noted thoughtfully.

“I--Change is all that seems to follow me anymore…”

“What will you do with it? The Maker has granted you a fresh start it seems.”

She paused for moment, thinking of everything that had occurred in the past several months, all the people she had met, the things that she had to relearn, the dangers she had encountered. Yet everything was worth it. Everything felt worth it. She had never felt that before. “I will make a new life for myself, my way this time.”

“With help I hope,” Leliana commented with a wry grin. “Cullen would be a good candidate for that.”

“Oh, No. No. No. No,” Anyssa said vehemently. “He is a friend. A good one. I appreciate everything he has done for me. I--”

“He cares for you more than he has allowed himself to care for _anyone_ in a long time, Anyssa. The way he looks at you is enough for anyone to figure that out.”

She shook her head. “I care for him as well, but he is the Commander of the Inquisition and there is a war on. That needs to come first…”

“Then you won’t…”

Anyssa shook her head refusing to say anymore. Leliana did not push further, instead asking, “Do you have a name?”

“Zera,” she said softly. “It’s from a language on my world and means beginnings.”

Leliana smiled, “I hope Zera helps you to make your beginning a good one. I might be able to tell stories again one day when my mission is finally complete. I would like this to be one of them.”


	33. Fereldan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa learns of Cullen's secret. Crushed that he didn't share it with her, her anxiety overwhelms her, allowing her fears and doubts to take hold once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning***  
> This chapter deals with Anyssa's response to letting her fears and doubts overwhelm her. References to her time with Bryan and what he is like when angered are described. Please note the second section begins with this and references abusive language and actions. Be aware of this if you are sensitive to this.

During her time in Thedas Anyssa had developed a general sense of what it meant to be Fereldan. Blunt, love marbaries, hate Orlesians, be loyal to the king, nation, your family, work hard, be stubborn. Sure there was more to it than that but those were the general qualities she’d noticed. One trait in particular was personified by the very Fereldan she looked at now. He had not been back to his native land in 10 years, yet he was the very embodiment of Fereldan.

“You weren’t to know,” he said as he averted his eyes from her again. She had come to see him under the guise of returning a book. He had been ill all day but refused help. It wasn’t the first time and she had noticed in Haven too.

“Which part? The nightmares are worse now because you stopped taking lyrium or that you stopped taking lyrium?” She asked evenly. She wouldn’t yell. It would do no good and wasn’t her first instinct anyway. She did feel hurt and disappointed that he hadn’t told her.

He hung his head lower. He knew she was disappointed. “ _Both_. It is my burden to carry, my choice to make. I have told those I am obligated to. Cassandra and the Inquisitor.”

“Obligated to?” She echoes quietly. She didn’t fall on that list. He didn’t even want to tell her and that hurt the most. The small feeling of hope that someone trusted her, wanted to trust her, wanted to include her in their life that had blossomed in Haven began to wilt. Any hope she had of being included in Cullen’s private affairs, the hope she could help, that he wanted her help began to fade away.

“My duty is to the Inquisition. I have a duty to see that a replacement is readily available if I am unable to fulfill my duties.” He voice was tired but firm as he glanced up at her, almost as if to make sure she understood.

She nodded numbly as she glanced at the book still in her hands. A novel from Ferelden about a knight and duty and honor. A fanciful version of King Calenhad. It didn’t matter now. She would put the book back and not bother him again. Skyhold had plenty of books to read but they weren’t Cullen’s books.

She moved to the bookshelf, sliding the hardback easily back into the place she had gotten it from. She had the shelves nearly memorized with all the time she had spent looking at it. But no more. It was obvious he had merely been polite and accommodating out of the knowledge of her situation. There really wasn’t anything more. Cullen was just too polite to outright tell her to go away.

She turned to leave, opting to take the door nearest the bookcase. She could take the stairs to the lower courtyard, cut through the kitchen and work in her office for a while until sleep came. At the moment she didn’t have the heart or will to do anything else.

“You’re not going to borrow another?” His voice came from behind her.

Her hand in the door handle, she froze. Not looking behind her, she said as evenly as she could, “No. I think that’s enough for now. Dorian has some books he has been bugging me to read.”

“You read two or three books at a time,” Cullen replied dryly.

She chewed her bottom lip trying to reply quickly so he would leave it alone. She failed.

“There is a book detailing the Templar Order. One of the knight-captains was nice enough to indulge my request. He found it during one of their reconnaissance missions to a Circle.” Cullen offered in a sincere tone. How could he do that when he clearly didn’t want to really have anything to do with her?

“That wasn’t necessary,” she mumbled.

“Yet there it is anyway,” the former Templar stated, his voice closer. “I requested it because of the questions you had...I cannot always answer them all.”

She shook her head, pointedly focusing on the door despite knowing he was standing behind her now. “That’s alright. I will get it later...I should leave you alone. You have work to do...and other things to take care of. I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You are no bother,” he said, reaching around to touch the hand still on the door knob. “I--”

“Please, don’t,” she said automatically, trying to pull away from his touch.

“Don’t? Anyssa?” he asked sounding genuinely confused.

“Just let me go. I’m not...You don’t need me here…” she pleaded as he felt him release her hand. She was shaking and she knew he saw it. She was showing weakness, but she didn’t care. She just wanted out. Away from him and what now made no sense. He didn’t trust her with his lyrium withdrawals or nightmares, but he acted as if she mattered to him. His voice, his tone, his words indicated he cared.

“I would never force you to stay, Anyssa, but why _won’t_ you?” he asked genuinely hurt.

Everything in her said not to look into his eyes. She did anyway. His golden eyes begged her for an answer, begged her to stay. His eyes told the truth as always but how could that be? She was so confused. She turned away and sobbed, “I _can’t_.”

“Please! Nyssa, I--”

She yanked open the door and rushed down the stone steps. The echoes of Cullen’s voice calling her name followed her all the way to the exterior entrance to the kitchen. How could things be so confused? How could her head tell her that he didn’t really mean it? That it was because he was polite and professional? But her heart screamed at her to believe him. To look to his eyes and see the way he cared for her.

She ran to her office, retreating to what she knew best. History. Things that couldn’t change because it had already occurred. Things that didn’t cause a conflict between her mind and heart. Things that didn’t hurt when she realized how much hope she had allowed herself to build up inside and how easily it could be shattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyssa wandered the corridors of Skyhold on another sleepless night. They didn’t happen often but enough to make her keenly aware that she was still letting things bother her. As Varric had pointed out more than once, she kept things bottled up, afraid to burden anyone with her troubles. It was a bad habit from Earth. Bryan had never wanted to hear about her problems or worries especially after he had revealed his true colors. He still held sway over her life even a world away.

She rounded the corner of a long hallway expecting nothing more than another empty corridor or a guard on patrol. They had become used to her nocturnal excursions by now and only nodded instead of asking if she were alright. This particular individual did neither. Instead he sneered. “Thought you could hide from me forever, didn’t you?”

She froze in terror. It wasn’t possible. Solas said that the chances of anyone coming through as she had were near zero. It was a freak occurrence that she had even appeared in Thedas to begin with according to Vivienne, Dorian, and Solas. Yet before her stood the improbable.

Shaking her head violently, she stammered, “No. It’s _not_ possible. You aren’t here...How--”

“Does it matter, Anyssa? I’m here and I’m going to make sure you pay for what you did to me!” he snapped.

“I _didn’t_ do anything,” the historian said as backed up from him. “Bryan, I didn’t do--”

“They think I killed you! You dumb bitch! You were stupid enough to run out onto the lake and fall through the ice. They found that ridiculous journal of yours, saying how I _mistreated_ you. How I abused you! How your precious feelings were hurt. How you didn’t think I paid you enough attention. How I didn’t treat you right. How I talked down to you, made you feel worthless. I did what I had to so I could provide for you. You were nothing without me. You had everything you needed and what do I get for my trouble? Cops thinking I’m an abuser and a murderer.” the dark-haired man yelled as he stalked towards her.

There were no guards, no sounds of anyone. Would anyone hear her if she screamed? What anyone care? Would anyone miss her if she were gone? Would Cullen care?

Her back hit the cold stone wall as she closed her eyes. _Would Cullen care?_ “Please…”

“Please what, Anyssa?” Bryan snorted as he pinned her to the wall. “You ran out on me after I did everything for you. You are the reason all this happened. You couldn’t remember the rules. You really thought someone would want you? Care for you? I’m the only one who ever did anything for you. You’d be nothing if it weren’t for me. It’s all your fault and now I’m going to pay you back for all the trouble you’ve caused me. It won’t ever happen again.”

She felt a hand around her neck. It was the first time he actually carried through with a threat, but his words made her think it would also be the last. Her thoughts circled around the last question her mind had coherently thought. _Would Cullen care?_ _Would he care if she were gone?_

She screamed as she felt the life being choked out of her. She would never know the answer…

````

_“ANYSSA!”_

Strong hands gripped her shoulders as she heard herself scream. The sound echoing in the small room. She took ragged breaths as the voice called to her again, this time quieter. “ _Nyssa!”_

She felt herself shake as she struggled to focus on where she was. Her hands grasping at her neck. She felt tears welling up a she realized she were in her study in Skyhold. She was not alone though but she could breath. She was _alive_.

She felt someone take her hands from her neck, pulling her gently to the side of her chair. Struggling to keep herself together, she glanced to her side and found concerned golden eyes looking back. It was Cullen kneeling beside the chair next to her desk. His careful stoic expression replaced by one of worry and fear.

“Nys?” his voice was soft, raw and that one word. That one nickname that only he used broke her. She sobbed loudly as she slid out of her chair onto her knees. She knelt before him, resting her palms flat against the ancient stone floor. She felt herself tremble as sobs racked her whole being.

“Maker’s breath, Nyssa! What is wrong?” Cullen pleaded as he attempted to console her. His hands sought purchase on her shoulders as he continued, “Please, tell me.”

She had no answer as he dropped his hands to her upper arms, pulling her up to his level. Tears streamed down her face, blurring her vision. She couldn’t focus on his question, just the fact he was there. He was with her, concerned, trying to comfort her. _Why?_

“Nys, I’m here,” he said as he cupped her face, trying to wipe away the tears with the pad of his thumb. She sniffled as she tried to stop crying. Her vision cleared enough to see his face. He looked helplessly back at her as he tried to offer her comfort.

“Cullen,” she whispered uncertainly, her hands moving to his face. His stubbled cheeks and jaw a strong reminder that he were real. The circles under his eyes from his lack of sleep. The golden blond color of his hair somehow still swept back in its usual style. “Real?”

“Oh, Maker, Nys,” he murmured as his expression became one of sorrow. He pulled her into his arms as he murmured into her ear, “Maker, yes. I am real. I swear I am.”

She clung to him like there was nothing else in the world. Only Cullen kept her grounded. The dream...It had to have been a dream. It wasn’t real. Cullen was. Cullen was real.

The former Templar rocked her as he murmured, “I never meant to cause you to think...To cause you nightmares...I only meant to keep you from seeing me as a burden...I didn’t think--”

“You as a burden?” she repeated into his chest.

“Yes. I am not...what I once was,” he replied slowly, shifting her against him. One hand cradling her head as the other rested around her waist. “All the questions you have asked of the Templars, all the time we have spent together...I thought you might see me differently if you knew about my decision concerning lyrium…”

She pulled at his linen shirt as she mumbled, “I couldn’t think that...You weren’t the cause of my nightmare anyway.”

“What--”

“ _Bryan_ ,” she said feeling him tighten his arm around her as he took a deep breath. “I dreamed he was here in Skyhold. He cornered me and yelled at me...And…”

“Nys…”

“He said everything was my fault. _Everything_. I caused him to treat me like—like I was nothing without him…for my own good...So I’d learn to follow his rules. He was choking me when I woke up…”

“Maker’s mercy, if I ever see that mongrel in the flesh he will regret ever laying his eyes upon you,” the Commander growled as he moved to sit against a bookshelf, bringing her flush against his chest.

She was silent for a long time, not sure how to respond to his protective words. Finally she sniffled once more, wiping away the last of her tears. “I... Why don’t you trust me? If you say things like that, if you are here...Why can’t you trust me with your troubles if I want to help?”

She felt him take a haggard breath as he pressed his lips to her forehead. “That was _never_ my intention. I know you want to help. Everything you do tells me you do. But I am unaccustomed to both accepting it and having someone so freely give it...I am not what I once was.”

“Isn’t that what you wanted when you joined the Inquisition? Why you left the Order and quit lyrium?” she murmured against his chest as she hiccupped.

“Maker, how do you know me so well when we have only known each other a handful of months?” he asked in amazement.

She said nothing as she closed her eyes. Did he care? She needed to hear it, but he was so stubborn. He was so Fereldan.

“You’re Fereldan now, too, Nys,” he teased into her ear. “I thought you liked Fereldans.”

She flushed in embarrassment, realizing she had voiced her thoughts but pushed on regardless. “I’m rather fond of one Fereldan but I have a constant fear he doesn’t feel the same…”

She felt his calloused fingers tip her chin up. He gave her a tired grin. “I can assure you that no matter what the Fereldan has endured or whatever his state of mind or reasoning for his actions is, he is rather fond of a certain Fereldan woman. He knows she still struggles with her past, just as he does. And he would do anything to make it all go away. That is why he came here…To apologize.”

“Would he let her help at least a little with...with things that bother him?” She asked hesitantly. “She knows she doesn’t understand everything and can’t help with everything but...helping him...helps _her_.”

Golden eyes locked with hers. “He will try… _I_ will try.”

She smiled shyly as him. “Thank you.”

“But you have to believe me, Nys,” he pointed out tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “No more doubts. He put those there and you aren’t with him anymore. You are here. In Thedas... _with me_...a stubborn Fereldan.”

“I like stubborn Fereldans…” she admitted shyly, attempting to turn away.

His hand kept her from doing so. “Don’t do that. Don’t turn away...I should have told you, at least some of it...I am sorry I didn’t…”

“I should have...I shouldn’t have left your office like I did...I let my doubts and anxiety overwhelm me…”

“Would...Would you let me help with that?”

“Yes. It’s not very becoming for a Fereldan.”

“It will be our secret,” he said as he covered his mouth. Yawning, he flushed pink. “Forgive me.”

“You should sleep,” she said trying to get up.

His strong arms kept her from leaving his side. “I am fine where I am for the time being.”

Anyssa’s heart soared at his words. He wanted to stay. He wanted to be with her. He was real. She could believe in him, in his words. Maybe she could believe in herself too.


	34. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen attempts to compose a letter to his sister to answer one simple question: Who has gained his trust and makes him happy? Struggling with how to answer it, Anyssa indirectly provides the solution while sharing some of her past with him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***possible trigger warning***  
> Just a few details of how Anyssa met Bryan and how their relationship went down hill. Nothing graphic but just be aware.

Cullen crumpled up the piece of parchment, tossing it to the side with the growing pile of discarded papers. The words would not come to him. How could he answer his sister’s simple question without giving away too much? Mia had noticed his change in mood since they had arrived at Skyhold and picked up on the fact he had someone to confide in. Her question was simple enough.

_While you refuse to give me a name, I would be gratified to know more about the person who has gained your trust and seems to make you happy. Would some small details be so hard to provide, or should I address a letter to your ambassador or maybe even the Inquisitor?_

He stared blankly at the new piece of paper and considered briefly praying for divine guidance from the Maker. If he didn’t give his sister some sort of answer, she might well do what she had suggested.

“Growling at the paper will not yield the result you are looking for, Commander,” an amused voice called from his left. He glanced up to see Anyssa silently laughing at him. He had forgotten that she was there, so intent on his task. She had asked to spend some time with him after dinner and had become engrossed in one of the military tactic journals he had.

“I do _not_ growl,” he protested pushing back from the desk, his letter forgotten.

“Rylen and Cassandra would beg to differ,” she replied with a mischievous grin as she closed the book. Curled up in a chair near the hearth, she looked right at home in his office. It was a sight he had come to welcome.

He rolled his eyes as he stood up. “I don’t suppose you would know how to write a letter to my sister.”

Anyssa arched an eyebrow. “Ummm, no. She’s not my sister and I never wrote a letter to a sibling because I don’t have any.”

“You are an only child?”

She nodded as he approached her. “I am the second oldest of four. Two sisters and a brother. And Mia, the oldest, acts like a mother hen to all of us even though we have not seen each other since I was 13.”

“She must miss you,” Anyssa noted with a wistful expression.

“It seems as though she misses the nagging of me more,” Cullen grumbled as he stood beside the fireplace.

“Maybe you miss her nagging,” Anyssa suggested as she leaned forward in the chair.

He looked down at her, looking for any inkling of amusement. Instead he found sincerity. “I can only assume she treats Branson and Rosalie the same. I have the advantage of distance I suppose. She can only scold me through a letter.”

“What did she scold you about this time?” Anyssa asked with genuine interest. “I was only ever meaningfully scolded by my parents and my grandmother...My aunt and uncle just wanted to get their way.”

Cullen reached a hand to his neck as he sheepishly admitted, “That I do not write enough.”

“You don’t write _enough_?”

“Yes...You see I may have neglected to write her when I was transferred to Kirkwall...and when I was first recruited by the Divine _and_ when we arrived at Skyhold.”

He watched as her blue eyes went wide. “Your family had no idea where you were? _Or_ that you survived Haven? Cullen Rutherford, how could you do that to them?”

“I intended to write this last time, but my duties kept me busy...Mia has tracked me down before. I assumed this time would be no different.”

Anyssa worked her jaw as he saw her frustration bloom across her face. “How could you--They are your _family_ , Cullen. The years and distance doesn’t matter. They obviously still care about you very much. Don’t you think that they deserve the same consideration? If I had people who would track me down as you say back on Earth, maybe I wouldn’t have stayed with Bryan!”

Cullen studied her hard. She was regarding him as if he should have already realized that without a lecture from her. Perhaps he should have, but years of feeling inadequate did that to a person. After the Ferelden Circle fell he had been angry and the years in Kirkwall had eroded any sense of pride he had once expressed to his family for being a Templar. The thought that his parents, now dead, might have regarded him as a disappointment weighed heavily upon him during that time. Now Mia reached out to him, begging for a relationship with her long-lost brother even if only through letters.

He hung his head. Shame over coming him. How could he write Mia or explain to Anyssa what he truly felt? They deserved better. Nyssa was correct about that.

He heard the rustle of fabric and light footsteps come towards him. Arms wrapped around his waist as a familiar head of honey blonde hair came to rest against his chest. Cullen’s breath caught in his chest. She was rarely so forward with her behavior. He was often the one who initiated contact but now…

“You looked like you could use a hug,” she explained softly as she looked up at him shyly. “And I thought since you always help me, maybe this time I could…”

She trailed as if expecting him to back away or ask her to let him go. He could never do that. Without a second thought, his arms came to rest around her shoulders. Pulling her in for a tighter embrace, he was grateful for once that he had removed his armor. The scent of cherry blossoms greeted his nose as he rested his chin lightly on the top of her head. “Thank you, Nys.”

She immediately relaxed in his arms as she apologized, “I didn’t mean to get upset with you. It’s just you have people--a _family_ \-- that is still alive. They want to still have something to do with you...I don’t.”

“There was no one?”

“My parents were killed in a car accident when I was 17. My mom’s mother was the only grandparent I knew, and she died when I was 15,” Nyssa explained quietly as he began stroking her hair. “I...I spent the last year of high school and part of the first of college living with my aunt and uncle...They didn’t like my career path and tried to steal the money my parents left me for college. I moved out when I was 18, almost 19 and lived on my own all through my schooling.”

“Friends?”

“I didn’t have a lot...I met some through school or work, but we weren’t close after I started dating Bryan,” she admitted, refusing to look up at him. “I let him convince me to spend more time and attention on him and less on the people who tried to help me…”

Cullen stood holding her silently as he considered her words. She had never shared that much information about her family life before. To know that he had been right about Bryan’s actions only served to make him all the more glad he would never be able to meet the man.

“Being upset about him won’t change anything,” her voice called to him.

He glanced down to see blue eyes looking back. He tilted his head, words tumbling from his mouth unbidden. “How could you be involved with such a person to begin with? He was...Maker, you have nightmares about him trying to harm you! You have doubts about yourself I _know_ he placed there.”

The Commander shut his mouth, aware that he perhaps should not have addressed those questions in such a manner, but he had been holding his tongue for months. Now the thoughts just sprung forth without a filter. He cupped her cheek. “Forgive me, Nys. Please? I did not mean to sound so callous...I just do not understand.”

“That makes two of us,” she murmured, shifting against him.

“Nys?”

“I thought he was a good man in the beginning, charming, witty, funny, kind. It was all a show of course. We met at a client fundraiser for a museum. We were introduced by a mutual acquaintance. He was in art acquisitions and I was in historical preservation, so we had some things in common. Looking back that’s _all_ we had in common,” Anyssa answered with a sad tone.

Cullen felt a lump in his throat form as he wished he could have been there to spare her from the events that followed. His voice was thick when he next spoke. “Nys, if I could have done something-- _anything_ \--to spare you that, I would. I--”

He felt her hug him tightly. “I know. But you’re here _now_...I--”

“Maker, Nys. You are…” He had no words as his voice trailed. How had they gone from discussing his sister’s letter to discussing her bastard of a lover? He didn’t know but he knew that she only revealed details of her past like that to him. He would guard them as he had promised to guard her. Both were safe with him, but would she ever get over her doubts…

“You should write your sister more. Make the time to do it. Don’t take them for granted. One day they might not be there to track you down.”

He sighed. She was right of course, and it was obvious she no longer wished to discuss her former life on Earth. He loosened his hold on her but did not let go. “I suppose you are correct. Mia has put forth far too much effort to remind me that I am still her brother.”

Anyssa looked up at him as she smoothed away the wrinkles on his shirt. “What couldn’t you write about earlier?”

“I--She wished to know who was responsible for the change in my mood. She said I seemed happier in recent letters.”

“You’re part of the Inquisition now. You’ve stopped taking lyrium. You’re trying to do better…”

“Nyssa, she knows that someone is--that I have become close to someone.”

Anyssa began to blush. “I don’t see how--I am not--”

“You are you,” he replied simply as he caressed her cheek as he finally let her go.

Her cheeks flushed an even darker shade of red as he smiled, “It’s true...and I think I know what to write my sister now.”

“Really?” she asked as he moved towards his desk.

“Yes,” he replied with a smirk. “The truth.”

She opened her mouth to ask something but appeared to think better of it. Instead she sat back down in the chair by the fireplace as he gathered his paper and quill. Sitting down he began to write, glancing up in her direction every so often. Blue eyes would quickly dart to her previously discarded book as Cullen smirked.

She wanted to know what he would write but would not ask. Maybe one day he would tell her. For now only he and his sister (and whoever Mia would tell) would know.

_Dear Mia,_

_Yes. I received your latest letter and I am well aware of my inability to write back in a timely fashion. Regardless of my duties (to which you seem to believe I can set aside for personal matters--I cannot), it was made clear to me today I should make the time to write you. That person is the one who has gained my trust and makes things easier to bear. She reminded me what it is to have people who genuinely care for you despite time and distance. She has no one as I do until she came to the Inquisition._

_Yes. I said ‘she.’ Her name is Anyssa and she is a friend. A dear one. I suppose I should tell you a little more about her but for Maker’s sake do not read more into our friendship than what I tell you. She has endured much hardship before she came to us._

_She enjoys history and fairytales. She is well educated and inquisitive. She loves learning and listening to tales of adventures from our members. She is reserved and sometimes shy but kind and genuine in her actions and words. She questions everything but listens to all sides. She can be firm but gentle. She has doubts of her worth but her smile shines through the darkness._

_I suppose this all sounds quite fanciful to you. I do not know how else to describe her. The only other things I know is that without her support the decisions I have made and the path that lay before me would be much more difficult without her faith in me. I know I could do this alone; I had accepted that when I set out on this journey. It is nice to know I do not have to though._

_I will leave you with those thoughts. I do not know what else to say except I am well. The Inquisition makes remarkable progress towards our goals. I hope you and our family are well. Should you need anything, I will do what I can to help. I miss you all. I perhaps do not say that enough or that I love you and Bran and Rosalie. You are always in my thoughts and prayers._

_Maker watcher over you and guide you._

_Cullen_


	35. Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa's first venture outside the confines of Skyhold to what lies beyond the Frostback Mountains turns frightening when the group is attacked just outside Crestwood. Old doubts and fears find their way back into her heart as another admits their own similar worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***possible trigger warning***  
> Not sure this is a trigger but...Anyssa has a borderline panic attack in this chapter. It does not progress to the phase I would call a true attack but just be aware.

Anyssa had been granted permission to accompany the Inquisitor and party to Caer Bronach once it was fully outfitted. It currently held a complement of Inquisition soldiers and Leliana’s agents as well as a flourishing trade network. The village of Crestwood which had seen so much hardship since the Blight had begun to stabilize as the threat of the rift and bandits disappeared. As anticipated, an inspection by the Inquisitor and her military advisor would follow. McBride had been itching for an opportunity to leave Skyhold, a _safe_ option. The new outpost seemed to present that especially when Evie invited her to tag along. The mention of a dragon by the Inquisitor only added to her excitement. Jumping at the chance, she had not anticipated an objection from the Commander.

When she told him what Evie proposed he immediately went to the Herald and rattled off a long list of reasons Anyssa should not go. Evie overrode him of course but that didn’t stop Anyssa from feeling like she had done something wrong or was somehow a burden to the ever-busy Commander. Distancing herself from someone who had called her a friend, she concentrated on learning all she could on the ride to the village. Asking Evie and Cassandra a myriad of questions both about the village and the area they traveled through. Of course neither were native Fereldans but she decided not to talk to the one in their group was.

Then came the attack by Red Templars and Venatori along a stretch of highway that was supposedly clear. Anyssa watched as the Inquisition forces battled alongside their leaders to defend them all. She could only look on helplessly as others defended her. Cassandra threw herself fearlessly at her opponents. Evie seemed to almost enjoy the fight, laughing now and then. Cullen wore an expression of concentration as he methodically took down enemy after enemy. The only time she saw anything else from him was when a Red Templar got too close for comfort to her. He impaled the lyrium infused man through the chest with a look of rage and disgust. His eyes met hers briefly before he turned to look for the next target.

After the battle, Evie ordered a hard ride to Crestwood. Making it to the Caer just before sundown, the group received treatment for their injuries, a meal, and were assigned quarters. Anyssa could not sleep despite assurances from both Evie and Cassandra that she had done the right thing by staying out of harm’s way. Once again a feeling of helplessness and uselessness washed over her; sleep would not come easily even with a real bed instead of the ground. Her friends had told her to voice what she wanted. She had and then they were attacked, and she was a burden, someone that needed to be protected instead of being able to help.

She sat up, glancing out the near slit of a window. The only source of light in her room was moonlight. Pulling on her boots, she decided to go for a walk. She would remain in the Keep but her mind would not let her sleep. Guilt for the battle earlier and the knowledge Cullen did not want her there in the first place plagued her. It was like Earth again. On the outside people thought everything was fine; they told her what she wanted to hear. On the inside, no one really cared what she wanted. So why say anything? Why do anything at all? It would all just end up with someone claiming they cared for her when all they wanted was control.

Anyssa walked the battlements of the old fortress in a pair a fitted breeches and a fitted blouse. The night wind gently blew her loose hair around her. She wandered without any destination in mind. The only thing the truly caught her attention was as always the two moons. Their presence made the night brighter than it had been on Earth. Finding the steps to the upper level where the Inquisition banner flapped gently in the wind, she decided to head that way. Maybe staying away from people was the answer after all. That way they didn’t have to worry about her, nor did she have to worry about being a burden or getting hurt again. Her duties could be done in such a way, especially with her office in the lower level of Skyhold…

She froze at the top of the flight of stairs. Cullen Rutherford’s silhouette stood against the upper battlements. His linen shirt untucked, blowing in the breeze just as his unruly golden curls did. That was the last thing she had wanted to see. He seemed to be leaning against the stone wall with his arms spread out beside him, his hand resting on the rock. His head tilted up looking at the same moons she had been.

Breaking free of her trance, she began to turn away quickly until she heard his voice. “Nys?”

She balled her hands into fists. He had to know the power that nickname held over her. He was the only one to use it. She turned slowly back to him, seeing his curious expression. She remained quiet, unsure what to say. Cullen said slowly, “I thought you would be asleep. You haven't done much riding and it can wear you out…”

“I... couldn’t sleep,” she admitted still not moving from the steps.

He looked down at the stone floor. “I couldn't either.”

She looked passed him to the lake. “I should go...You want to be alone and I... don’t want to be a bother.”

“You’re never a bother,” the Commander murmured as he looked back to her.

“I have to go—”

“Nyssa, don’t do this…”

“Do what?”

“Cut me off,” he explained as he took a few steps toward her. “Don’t run away...Not from me. You don’t have to. If I’ve done something wrong, give me the opportunity to fix it. _Please_.”

She felt her heart began to race. An anxious need to escape came over her. She wasn’t ready for this. He was supposed to not want her around, now he did? “I can’t…”

“Nyssa, I... You have not said one word to me since we departed Skyhold that wasn’t required,” he said as he began walking toward her again. This time not stopping. “ _Why_? What did I do to you?”

“Don’t,” she sobbed. “Don’t, please. I _can’t_ …”

Cullen stopped in his tracks. He held up his hands as if in surrender. “I will not hurt you. You _know_ that.”

Anyssa grabbed the stone railing for support as she began to shake. She desperately wanted to believe him but her past said something different. They always promised one thing and did something else, something horrible. How could he be any different? He had not confronted her until happenstance presented an opportunity.

She crumbled to the floor, sitting on the top step, hugging her legs tightly to her. Openly crying she gave up on trying to hide her emotional state from him. He would either yell at her for the display or ignore her as he had been. Instead of either of those options, she felt strong arms wrap around her shaking form. She was pulled into a gentle embrace as words of encouragement were whispered into her ear. His voice held tenderness, a sharp contrast to what most people saw him as. The Lion of Ferelden was more than just the Commander and he seemed dead set on showing her that.

Fingers stroked her hair, caressed her cheek, rubbed soothing circles on her back as the words finally penetrated her wall of doubts. “You are stronger than you think. You are so brave and resilient. I have never known a stronger person. You are not alone. You know that.”

She shook her head. “Why…”

“Whatever battle you are fighting inside yourself right now, know that I and a great many others are here to support you. I know what it is to battle an enemy on the field and to battle one’s own doubts. But you do not have to do this alone.”

“Why did you—”

Cullen’s voice grew silent as her half-asked question lingered. He hooked a finger under her chin, gently making her look at him. “Why did I _what_ , Nyssa? If I am the cause of your distress, _please_ , let me fix it.”

“W--Why—” It was now or never. She could tell him. He was practically begging her to tell him. Why was it so hard? “Why did you not want me to come?”

His golden eyes went wide at the question. Apparently his objection to her presence on the trip had never crossed his mind as a reason for her distance. “Anyssa, that was a _command_ decision. You are not a field operative and have never been outside Skyhold in any real capacity.”

“I’m a burden to you,” she murmured trying to look away again. She should never have agreed to Evie’s offer. _Just stay and do what you’re told. You can’t get into trouble that way and no one will have to worry or—_

“No,” Cullen stated firmly as he prevented her from turning away. “You are inexperienced but not a burden. _Never_ a burden.”

“Then why—”

She trailed as he cupped her cheek. “I didn’t want to chance you getting hurt...or worse. I was being selfish and using my position to justify it.”

“Cullen?” she said softly. She didn’t understand. It was a selfish act, but one born out of a desire to protect. It was foreign to her. Could someone be selfish and be that way because they wanted to keep the other safe? “You didn’t--It wasn’t because you didn’t want me around?

“Maker, no!” he exclaimed in shock. “How could I ever...I will always want you near...Friends, remember? I wanted to make absolutely certain this place was safe before you ventured here…I had a plan…”

She nodded as he caressed her cheek. Closing her eyes, she listened to him as he continued to hold her. “I thought that you did not wish to speak to me anymore because you thought I reminded you of your past somehow. That is why I was up…”

Anyssa hesitantly reached for his hand. Without looking up she slowly intertwined their fingers. “I thought you did not want to be around me any longer because I was a burden or weak—”

“We were both wrong,” Cullen murmured as he settled his chin on the crown of her head. “We both still have battles to fight. These doubts that color everything are not easily defeated but I am better for having known you. I am better able to battle these doubts because of your support. I--I hope I have done the same for you.”

“The worst battle is between what you know and what you feel,” Anyssa murmured against his shoulder.

“Is that a saying from your world?”

“It’s something my mom used to say,” Anyssa replied. “She used to say that I know a lot, but I feel too much. That it would be a struggle for me until I learned a balance. Guess I still haven’t mastered that.”

“Then that is true for both of us,” he noted as he hugged her. “Maybe...we could help balance each other out.”

“Cullen, I’m not—”

“I have very few people I trust because of the life I have led, but you... _You_ are someone I want to have my back in this battle...You know what it is like and I want to do the same for you. If you will let me.”

“I want to,” she admitted softly.

She heard him make a contented hum as he squeezed her tightly. They sat there for a few minutes in silence until Cullen asked, “Are you in any hurry to go back to bed?”

“No,” she said, letting herself enjoy being in his strong arms.

“Good,” he replied. “I rather like this.”

She knew she was blushing at his words but made no move to leave. He liked being with her and she enjoyed his company as well. He kept saying that and his actions reflected that. There was no harm in what they were doing, and he had been right. He was a source of strength for her. She would stay and help battle his doubts just as he wanted with hers. Maybe Thedas could be different. If men like Cullen existed, her life could be different if she genuinely wanted it to be.


	36. Dalish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric shares a story about Merrill with Anyssa while she introduces him to her pet nug, Zera.

Anyssa sat in the Great Hall at the table Varric usually occupied. Her nug, Zera, sat in her lap as the dwarf recounted a story from his adventures in Kirkwall during his time with Hawke. Every so often he would give the small creature an odd look as he spoke. The historian simply smiled and listened to the author run story ideas by her.

It was late evening and most of the visiting nobles had retired for the night, leaving only them and the guards in the open space. Out of nowhere Varric asked, “How can you have one of those things? They just shit on the floor and roll in it.”

“Zera does _not_ shit on the floor. She shits in her litter box,” the Earth woman corrected harshly. “She is littered trained, thank you.”

“Ah, wonderful, but I bet she still rolls in it,” Varric jested as he put his quill down.

“She does not. She rolls on the floor and in the bed not in her shit!” Anyssa snapped indignantly.

The dwarf chuckled as he noted, “So you can be annoyed, Icy.”

The historian huffed as she sat silently petting the black nug. She glared at the dwarf as he continued, “Sorry, Icy. Sometimes you are just as hard to rattle as Curly. It’s nice to know you _are_ human and not some Fade sent spirit thing immune to emotions.”

“I thought that was why you named me Icy. Because I seem cold but I’m not,” she retorted as she shifted in the chair, the fire crackling behind them. “You just want notes for your next book or story or whatever.”

“That is _one_ reason…” the Free Marcher replied leaning forward. “But you remind me sometimes of Merrill…”

“Merrill?” she repeated, not familiar with the name. She was still learning about the adventures of Hawke and her companions. Of course Varric was always selective in what he chose to reveal.

“Yeah Daisy was a Dalish elf from the clan that got stuck outside Kirkwall. Their Halla got sick and the clan couldn’t leave the area. They ended up staying there for years,” he explained. “She was supposed to be the clan’s First but got caught up in trying to reclaim lost knowledge and uncovered one of those eluvian mirrors. It became so bad the Keeper asked Hawke to take her under her wing.”

“She left the clan because she was trying to reclaim knowledge?” Anyssa asked not understanding. Knowledge especially for the Dalish was almost sacred. But Solas had said that they did not want to know things that would conflict with their modern view of their traditions and view of their ancestors.

Varric chuckled. “Daisy was trying to barter with a demon to put the eluvian back together. She didn’t have the know-how on her own and needed help...See…she was what the Templars would call a blood mage.”

Anyssa blinked, pausing in her stroking of Zera. “You think that I am like a blood mage? Varric how could you--”

He held up his hands to stop her. “Hey, slow down. I didn’t say you _were_ a blood mage. I said you _reminded_ me of _Daisy_ and if you’ll let me finish you’ll see why.”

She set her jaw but glared silently. Varric nodded his thanks. “I meant to say that the reason she turned to blood magic to help her clan, the reason her clan wanted her gone all stemmed from the fact she didn’t know how to interact with others. She was so wrapped up in her duties, in the pursuit of knowledge she withdrew from people. She was naive as to their true nature. She was innocent in a way that led her to make some questionable decisions that ended in tragedy.”

Anyssa glanced down at the nug in her lap. It squeaked impatiently for her to start petting it again. That was almost exactly what she had done on Earth after she had given into the false truth that she couldn’t get away from Bryan. She had let herself be convinced that he would always be in control of her life, that he would always treat her as he had, that he would never change. She had told Leliana that she would use the chance she had been given to change things. To change her life. To make it hers.

She didn’t want to go back to that life. She didn’t want to let others have control over her. She wanted to be able to make her own choices and have the life she had wanted as a little girl. She wanted to study history, to discover history, and help others learn things that had been lost. But she also wanted to have a life, friends, maybe even a family one day. Could that all happen in Thedas? There was little to no hope of her ever going home. But did she want to? The life she had started in Thedas amongst the ranks of the Inquisition, it felt more real, like something she actually wanted. She already admitted to Cullen to didn’t want to go…

She started petting her nug again without looking up. “Did she...Is she alright now?”

“Daisy? Oh, yeah. She still lives in Kirkwall with the city elves in the alienage,” Varric replied as he began writing again. “It took a lot of damage when the Chantry exploded. She has been helping rebuild there, almost serving as a Keeper would.”

“Varric, I am well aware you like to hear the sound of your own voice and paint your adventures with Hawke and by extension your friends as outlandish characters, but it sounds to me that you are attempting a parable.”

He chuckled. “See? This is why I enjoy talking to you. You use the big literary words my editors and critics use but in ways I like. You’re a mix of condescending and admiring words all rolled into one.”

She tilted her head with a smirk. “That is a terribly good example of contradictions that are held within your true fiction of my unconscious awareness of my usage of literary jargon.”

The dwarf looked at her blankly for half a second before he unraveled what she had just said. “I suppose that show of grammatical knowledge has a name on your world?”

“It’s called oxymorons. Two words that are used together with contradictory meanings,” she explained with a conceited grin. “It’s usually used by people wanting to be sarcastic or have a very dry sense of humor.”

“No wonder you get along with Curly so well,” Varric noted with a wry grin. “People never know when he’s joking...except you.”

“Me?” she asked innocently.

“Yes, you Icy,” he replied pausing his writing. “You always have that half grin whenever he does make a joke but no one else laughs. It’s kind of cute. I think he does it because he knows you get it.”

“Varric if you are implying as everyone else is that the Commander and myself are anything more than friends, that is really none of your business,” Anyssa pointed out firmly. She was almost to the point where she wanted to lash out at the next person that suggested it. There were feelings there but that wasn’t anyone’s business but hers and Cullen’s. He was incredibly private and very sensitive to her past. Anything that happened would happen in its own time.

That last thought caused her to pause. She wanted something to happen? She had come to accept that it was possible for something to happen between them? When had that unconscious acceptance happened?

“Hey, Icy! I don’t mean to intrude on your personal life or Curly’s. Frankly I’m glad he has one now,” Varric began muttering. “He sure didn’t have one in Kirkwall.”

Anyssa groaned as Zera shifted in her lap, nudging her hand with her nose. She looked down at the nug. Maybe Leliana had been right about the critters being empathetic to those who cared for them. “Was your whole point to tell me that like your Dalish friend who had become distracted by trying to help others, she lost herself and I might have been through something similar?”

“Yeah,” Varric nodded. “But like Daisy, I think you can find a better way. She found herself in helping the elves living in the alienage rebuild. She is using her knowledge, her training from the Dalish to still help her people. She made some mistakes but she’s better for them and learning from them.”

“So don’t repeat the past, learn from it,” she summed up moving Zera onto the table.

“Ahh, yeah. That’s about it,” the dwarf replied eyeing the nug warily. “Ummm, Icy, what ya doing with the nug?”

“If I can learn from my past then so can you,” she replied urging the nug to walk over to Varric. “Not all nugs are shit-rolling rodents. Zera is quite clean and well-behaved.”

“Uhhh, I’m good,” he replied scooting his chair from the table.

“But Varric--”

“Dwarves eat nugs. They are a delicacy in Orzammar.”

“But you’re a _surface_ dwarf.”

“It’s an inherited trait. No dwarf wants a nug as a pet.”

“She’s not your pet. She’s just visiting.”

“She might be lunch.”

“And you can find nug shit in your bed if you even think that again. Sera and Leliana would be more than willing to help…”

“Oh, shit no. _Fine_. I’ll pet the damned nug.”

He did and Zera began purring. The dwarf’s expression changed to one of amazement. Anyssa laughed as he admitted quietly, “Oh, okay. Maybe they are a _little_ cute.”


	37. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Cullen attempts to inquire about Anyssa's current project, she only says its a personal project. Not understanding her sudden unwillingness to share, the Commander is left to wonder if he has done something wrong. In the end, he is once again surprised by the woman from Earth.

“What are you working on so intently at this hour?” Cullen asked as he walked through the Great Hall passed the table usually inhabited by Varric. The dwarf was currently not there.

Anyssa McBride glanced up from the parchment she had been writing on in surprise. Moving to conceal it, he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his features as she squeaked out, “Nothing important...I mean nothing to do with Inquisition business...It’s a... personal project.”

“Personal enough I cannot see it?” Cullen inquired curiously as he stood beside her. He noticed a stack of well-worn books beside her. A brand-new blue one stuck out, looking as if it had never been read. “I’ve been privy to your projects in the past. Your collection of stories from across Thedas is quite interesting. I enjoy reading them when you add to it. Is that what this is?”

“Ummm, well, no,” she said nervously. “It’s not a part of that. I thought I might try working on something else…”

The Commander cocked his head. “What is it? Tales of the Inquisition?”

She shook her head. “I have thought of doing that. Varric said he is going to write a book about Evie, but I think it will be more fantasy than fact.”

“You should. You’re our historian and a third party of sorts. Your perspective would be worth reading,” Rutherford noted as he attempted to glance at what she had written so far. “I would be interested in reading it.”

“I...I might start on that after this is done,” she murmured as she avoided his gaze. Something wasn’t right. She hadn’t avoid looking at him since their return from Caer Bronach. She was acting as if he intimidated her. That hadn’t been the case for a while now. What had changed?

“Anyssa, is something the matter?” Cullen asked as he moved back from her chair just a bit. “Have I done something--”

He watched her head raise up instantly, ice blue eyes looking at him conflicted. “No! There’s nothing wrong...I mean you haven’t done anything...I just need to get this done.”

He frowned, still not totally convinced. He did not like being in the dark when something obviously was wrong, especially where Anyssa was concerned. He had made a promise to keep her safe, to protect her almost as soon as she had come to them. He had kept it so far, but now…

“Hey, Icy! Did you get my package?” Varric called from behind them as he entered the Great Hall.

Cullen watched her reaction carefully. She made a frustrated face and then moved to silence the dwarf. “Varric, not now! I...I still have some work to do.”

“Ah, so you were serious about your project,” he uttered in a deviously tone as he looked at the Commander. “You know you could just tell--”

“ _Varric!”_ she snapped uncharacteristically loudly.

“Fine. Fine!” the author replied holding his hands up in surrender. “But you’d better--”

“I’m leaving since you aren’t being helpful anymore,” the historian said as she gathered up all her things. Awkwardly holding them as she made for the garden door.

“Nyssa, permit me to help you--” Cullen tried before he was cut off.

“No.. I’ve got this,” she called as she rushed out of the Great Hall. He watched as the door to the garden shut behind her.

He scowled as he turned to Varric. “Why do you know of this and I do not? She seemed most resistant to having me know anything of it?”

Tethras chuckled as he sat down. “Look, Curly. You probably know Icy better than anyone here, but you still don’t know women. You aren’t stupid. Put that intellect to use and figure your lady friend out.”

Cullen growled knowing he would get no help from the dwarf. The only thing he received in addition was a further sentiment that he already knew in his heart. “You mean too much to her for her to do anything to hurt you, Curly.”

_*******_

Cullen laid in his loft mulling over the events since Haven. They had made the Inquisition viable and were making a difference. He was slowly, oh so slowly working through his lyrium addiction. He was making decisions as a free man, free of the Chantry, the Order, the extreme views of his former life. Demons still haunted his dreams. Memories haunted his days. The desire to do better pushed him to work passed it all. His need to help Anyssa was just as strong.

He had not been able to sleep. It was nothing unusual but normally thinking of the historian helped calm him. Remembering conversations with her, the questions she asked about things he took for granted, stories of her world all usually grounded him when the memories and demons came calling. Tonight it didn’t. Tonight he felt doubt and uncertainty. Just because she wouldn’t show him her current project?

Had he come to believe he should be privy to everything she did? That she had no right to things that were only hers? He couldn’t be like that. Not after what she had told him of her boyfriend from Earth. He would not be controlling like Bryan. If she needed space, she would have it. He had assured her of that in Haven after discovering she enjoyed Fereldan ale.

Deciding he would get no sleep with his current mental state, Cullen pulled on a pair of boots and descended into his office below. As he approached his desk, he noticed a neatly wrapped package sitting in front of his chair. Frowning, he unwrapped the package to find a blue leather-bound book. It was the same from before, the one he had noticed in the stack of older books. He opened it and a note fell out. Flipping through the pages, he noticed it was from a printing press. The title page simply said _A Collection of Arthurian Legends_. Below the print was a message in neat common.

_Cullen~_

_Thank you for always being there when I needed you._

_Nys_

She hadn’t signed it her given name or nickname used by everyone else. She’d signed it with the name only he called her.

He picked up the note that had tumbled out onto his desk.

_I didn't mean to upset you. I wanted your Satinalia present to be a surprise. Varric didn’t help matters. Please don’t be mad at me._

Cullen grabbed the book and rushed out of the office.

*****

  
“Nyssa, it’s Cullen! Please let me in!” he called through the door as he knocked frantically. He knew he might be waking up the others that had quarters over the garden, but he didn’t care. He had to see her. “Nys! _Please_!”

He finally heard movement on the other side of the door right before it opened. Slowly it revealed Anyssa who looked to have been deep asleep before his arrival. A little shocked at her dressed in a silken night shift and robe, he sputtered, “Maker, forgive me. I should have realized you would be asleep but when I saw what you left in my office I couldn’t--”

“Cullen?” she asked rubbing her eyes. “What's wrong?”

“You can’t think I am angry at you,” he pleaded as she opened the door more. “Please tell me you don’t think I am angry at you.”

He watched her blink as if not comprehending. He held the note out between them. “You were making something for me and... How could I be angry at you for that?”

Her ice blue eyes went wide with understanding as her gaze dropped to the book he had clutched to his chest. “I... Earlier you seemed upset that I didn’t tell you what I was working on.”

“You could have told me it was a surprise.”

“You don’t like surprises,” she murmured as she looked at his chest.

Cullen took a breath. “Normally, no, but _this_ might be the best surprise I have ever experienced.”

Slowly she looked back up at him. “Really?”

He grinned at her. “Yes, Nys. Really. You put so much thought into this. This contains all the stories you’ve told me since Haven and more. How could it not mean something to me?”

He saw her cheeks flush as he asked, “How did you do this?”

“Varric had my handwritten copies sent to his printer and the book made,” Anyssa replied as she looked away again. “I... have been working on it since you... told me of your decision about lyrium. I thought it might help occupy your mind when things got bad…”

Cullen felt his heart skip a beat. No one had ever made him anything since he’d left Honnleath and not with the reasons behind it like her. Carefully, he hooked a finger under her chin to draw her gaze back to him. “As I said, this is the best surprise I have ever experienced and the most thoughtful gift I have ever been given. I will treasure it always.”

He watched as she bit her lip. “Cullen...I... How are you so different?”

The Commander cocked his head, not understanding at first. He glanced down at his book and then understood. He extended his hand to her, encouraging her to come to him. She moved into his arms without hesitation. Cullen relished the feel of her in his arms, secretly glad as always that it was him that could make her feel safe and protected. It was him that proved not every man was like Bryan. That he was a better man than Bryan.

“Will you come in for a little while?” she asked quietly.

“I... It’s not proper…” he automatically responded even though everything in him screamed for him to just say yes.

Icy blue eyes looked up at him. “I don’t care.”

He took a breath and closed his eyes. For once he would forget propriety and do what Nyssa needed. “I want to,” he admitted quietly.

She smiled up at him shyly as he opened his eyes. She silently tugged at his arm to guide him into her room. Closing the door behind them, they moved to the sofa in front of the fireplace. Sitting down, Cullen was surprised when she curled up against his side without hesitation. He had never been one for physical contact after Kinloch Hold, but Nyssa had changed all that. He still shied away from contact with most people even her sometimes. But her touch was the only one that felt right, _welcomed_.

“Nys?” he whispered, not sure if she felt the same. Bryan had not treated her well and she had demons of her own to contend with.

“I...I sometimes think what I do isn’t good enough, especially when you are concerned,” she murmured into his chest. “I know it’s not true but sometimes it’s still there.”

He wrapped his arms around. “I am not the man I want to be yet but I... You make me think I can be what I want to be, _who_ I want to be. And I would never be like him.”

Her heard her sigh as she said, “I know.”

Continuing to hold her close to his side, he opened the book she had gifted him. He flipped to one of the stories she had not told him and began reading it. It was the background of the knight Sir Gawain. As he read to her, he felt her relax into his body slowly. He felt his lips form a smile as he continued to read. She had made this for him and tried her hardest to surprise him. She had genuinely wanted to give him something that would mean something and knew that the stories from Earth about Arthur and Camelot and the Knights intrigued him.

It had all surprised him, but the greatest surprise was the discovery that he wanted to experience more things like that with her. As he felt her go slack against him, knowing she was sleeping, he promised himself that he would return her gesture with a sincere one of his own someday. For now he would appreciate all that she had done for him and continue to try and do the same for her.


	38. Chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Anyssa learns of Cullen's attempt to resign his position with the Inquisition, she rushes to his tower thinking to help him. Cullen lets his doubts get the better of him. Regret over his words is the end result.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~This chapter is meant to be read back-to-back with chapter 39 "Wild."~~~
> 
> *****possible trigger warning*****  
> Cullen tells Anyssa more of the events during the fall of the Fereldan Tower. Not graphic but he does this while experiencing the tail end of a lyrium withdrawal episode.

"I do not wish to have visitors at the moment," Cullen protested as Anyssa stood before him. The Inquisitor had left him with a decision to make less than an hour before. Of course the historian arrived shortly afterwards, concern etched in her lovely features. Both the Inquisitor and Anyssa meant well but he was not in the right mindset to truly appreciate it.

"Evie said I should come see you…" the Earth woman replied quietly.

"I am not in a... I need some time to myself, Anyssa."

"But if there's something I can help with--"

"Unless you can take these nightmares, these doubts, these memories away that poison my very being, then there is nothing to be done!" He exclaimed in a loud voice slamming his palm on the desk.

Anyssa stood in shocked silence, her ice blue eyes blown wide. A part of him screamed to apologize for his outburst but his doubts won out. He moved slowly around the desk, leaning heavily against it as he spoke again. “There is nothing that you can do to take these things away, what haunts me every night and every day. I made mistakes. I allowed things to happen...I let my fear be twisted by my anger. I allowed others to act without stopping to think about what their actions were truly motivated by.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but he didn’t give her the chance. Instead he plowed on, wanting her to truly understand the man she had come to count on above all others. To understand his flaws, his shortcomings, his reasons to atone.

“I served the Fereldan Circle, assigned there not long after I took my vows. Less than a year later, it fell. I was captured by several mages and templars. Uldred turned to blood magic to gain the power and freedom he thought he was due...So many were sacrificed for his lust for power. So many _innocent_ lives were lost. So many of my brothers and sisters were killed by the demons he summoned...We were captured and tortured first...I was the last...The _only_ survivor.”

“Cullen, I want--”

He began pacing, unwilling to look her in the eye or allow her to speak. He didn’t want sympathy. He wanted her to understand the darkness that he hid from her. “They kept me in a cage, deprived of food, water, and lyrium for days. I wasn’t sure what was real and what was a creation of the demons by the time the Hero of Ferelden liberated the Tower. All I knew was that magic was at fault and no mage could be trusted.”

He stopped to face the hearth. Taking a ragged breath. “Meredith knew what I had been through. She used the knowledge; she used my weakness to her advantage. And I allowed it. I allowed myself to a party to countless injustices in the Gallows. I waited until she tried to kill Hawke before I spoke up. It will not happen again. I cannot let it happen again. I cannot fail again.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for her to say something, _anything_. To tell him he was a monster, that she could no longer see him, that she hated him. When nothing came he glanced behind him to see Anyssa looking at him with a calm expression. Her hands were clasped together in front of her as she patiently waited for something. She had learned to do that when he was consumed with something work related. She would wait until he finally realized he was working too much or that she needed something. He would blush or get flustered and grin at her, apologizing for his behavior. She would grin back and sometimes giggle. It had become something of a joke between them, but he couldn’t handle that at the moment.

“What? Nothing to say? You are so well acquainted with words; how could you have nothing to say? Are my chains to the past not worth a word? They drag behind me every moment of everyday and you deftly avoid tripping on them. How could you be so nimble and not have something to say?”

Anyssa shook her head. “I have words, but I am not sure that they will do justice to what you are going through. I know you have doubts and fears, Cullen...I know that better than maybe you realize…”

She paused seeming to wait for him to attempt to stop her again. Instead he remained silent. She took a breath and continued, “Your chains are _yours_ and yours alone, but you need not still be bound by them. A man I barely knew at the time once told me that he did not know what happened to me before I came to Thedas. He only knew what little he had witnessed of me. He knew I was frightened and uncertain. He thought that a gesture of kindness might help to ease my mind. He said if someone had shown him such an act all those years ago his path may have led to less hardships. I only hope that maybe I, in some small way, have helped with that now.”

He looked at her dumbfounded. She had echoed his words from months ago shortly after her arrival in Haven. She remembered. She _still_ remembered. They meant something to her. His words. His own words thrown back at him.

Cullen watched as she turned to leave. “Anyssa--”

“You are right, Cullen. You need time to yourself. I am intruding. Forgive me.”

He watched as she closed the door behind her, leaving him alone in his tower just as he had told her he wanted. _Forgive me._ Words he knew he uttered frequently when he felt he had offended or wronged someone he held in high regard. He had told her those words a few times and now she once again turned his words back on him.

_Your chains are yours and yours alone, but you need not still be bound by them._

Her words echoed in his mind as he bowed his head, holding it in both hands. She had wanted to help, and he had rejected it. He let out a growl as his hands tore through his blond hair. She meant something to him, something important. Something he had not felt since he was a young man, new to lyrium. It and his experiences at Kinloch Hold had deadened his emotions so much he did not even realize how much he had sacrificed for the Templar Order until he had chosen to leave it and lyrium behind.

Was she right? Was he allowing himself to remain chained despite the choices he had already made? Was denying her offer of help in her best interests? She already knew so much of his past, more than most at Skyhold.

He paced and pulled at his hair again. Nothing made sense. Nothing was clear cut. Nothing was ordered like it should be. He needed to do better. He needed to atone. He needed to keep the Inquisition’s armies strong _without_ lyrium. He needed to show that the Inquisitor had not misplaced her faith in him. He needed to keep his promises to Nyssa.

He needed to free himself from his chains. He needed to believe in his own words. He needed to remember what he had once wanted, what had motivated him to become a Templar all those years ago. Only then would he be able to rise up from his chains and persevere. Until then he would endure as he always had.


	39. Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa struggles with Cullen's actions and words after he tells her she cannot help him after he attempts to resign. A surprise visitor in the middle of the night helps quell her worries and reveals a truth that had not voiced before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~This chapter is meant to be read immediately after chapter 38 "Chains."~~~

Anyssa worked in her study in the lower level of Skyhold. She retired there to catch up on work or so she told herself. In reality she was unable to sleep and needed something to keep her mind busy. Things had gone well for the Inquisition in the past month with their victory at Adamant and the increased attention they had received because of it. However, there were personal consequences for some who had fought in the Western Approach. Evie and her party had fallen into the Fade. Stroud had stayed behind to ensure their escape. And Cullen had faced something from his past.

All of it bothered the historian greatly but what happened to Cullen had not been eased by distance from the ancient Grey Warden fortress. If anything it seemed to magnify it. She knew of his withdrawals. When he had not gone into detail about their effects, Cassandra filled in the blanks especially with her limited knowledge of Templars and lyrium to begin with. Earlier in the day, he had tried to resign his commission, taken on too much, blamed himself for things that were not of his making, denied seeing her during the whole affair. How could something from so long ago still affect him?

She sighed and knew the answer. She was still effected by things from her own past. It was no different. Things reminded her about it. Things that she tried very hard to forget but knew she wouldn’t. She could only hope that time would make it better. Maybe they would for Cullen too, but it had already been 10 years. But she wanted to help regardless. He just didn’t seem to want her to despite their conversation at Caer Bronach.

Anyssa rested her chin on her hand. She actually wanted to help. She wanted to be let in. She wanted to help him carry his burden. Was that too much? Maybe he thought she couldn’t help…

She jumped at the sound of her door opening and closing. It was well after midnight and she expected no visitors. The hall leading to her study was not lit, only the study itself with but a few candles. The visitor slowly entered the circular room where flickering candle light revealed the Commander of the Inquisition’s army. He leaned against one of the bookshelves in a linen shirt and breeches. His eyes with dark circles under them, his normally well-maintained hair a head of wild curls. His golden eyes were dull as they looked in her direction.

Anyssa froze in place. She had stood up to shoo away whoever had opened the door. Now she had not a clue what to do. She had not anticipated seeing Cullen anytime soon, especially after his words to her in his office earlier. Now he stood staring at her.

“Nys?” he asked almost sounding uncertain.

“Yes,” she replied simply watching him attempt to focus.

“Nys, I--I’m sorry…” he said trying to take a step towards her. He stumbled forward, dropping to his knees.

“Cullen!” she exclaimed as she rushed to his side. “What’s wrong?”

She knelt beside him, fearing he was having some sort of further reaction to his lyrium withdrawal. His eyes attempted to focus on her, he growled, “Don’t look at me like that! I don’t want your pity. I want you to--”

He ran a frustrated hand through his wild locks. Anyssa tried to school her expression but she did not feel pity for him. She felt empathy. She had and still did feel like he was now. The past could be a powerful enemy sometimes, controlling every thought one had. She knew that all too well. “Want me to what, Cullen? I can help if you’ll let me. I want to. You--”

“…need you to know…” he said as he looked back to her, his eyes wild. “I want you to know me! But I pushed you away...I--You shouldn’t...Maker, this is too much! I care too much!”

“Cullen, I know you care,” she said softly as she slowly put her hands on his shoulders. “You care more than anyone I know, and it eats at you that you can’t help everyone. That you can’t do everything that is requested of the Inquisition. That you want to atone for your past. I know you, Cullen. You have shown me exactly the kind of man you are since you saved me. I know now what it is to have someone care and mean it. I am grateful for that every day. I am grateful for _you_ every day.”

She watched for a long anxious moment for his response. She had never spoken about those things with him like that before. Slowly he raised a shaky hand to her cheek, grazing it with calloused fingers. “Nys.”

“I’m here, Cullen. I promise,” she murmured as she touched his face with her hands.

He leaned against her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her waist. “They said you’d leave. That I made you go away…The demons…I am glad they were wrong.”

“Oh, Cullen…” was all she could say as she wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly.

`````````

Anyssa awoke later on the sofa Josephine had insisted be moved into the study. A blanket drawn up to her shoulders. One candle still burned illuminating the room. She closed her eyes as something stirred behind her. A groan sounded causing her eyes to snap open again. She turned over to find Cullen staring back. It was then that she realized his arm was draped loosely over her waist and his other pillowed her head.

“Nyssa, I--Nothing happened--”

“Are you better now?” she asked, pointedly interrupting him. All the events from the day coming back all at once.

He made a face and then nodded. “Yes...I--Sleep is harder to come by since I ceased taking lyrium.”

“Why did you...come here? Normally I’m not here,” she said rolling over to face him fully.

“I know, but it’s _your_ study...Sometimes when I cannot sleep, when the nightmares are so intense, the withdrawals are so bad…I come here to escape…”

“But why here? It’s under everything. You like open spaces--”

“Because it is _yours_. Because you make it better.”

She grew silent as his painfully honest answer. She moved a hand to feather through his wild curls. She watched as he closed his eyes. She whispered, “I’m glad I can do something right.”

“You do everything right, Nyssa. _Everything_ ,” he assured her as he moved his head to better accommodate her hand.

They remained silent for a long time. She didn’t know what to say so she continued to play with his wild curls. For the longest time in Haven, she’d had no idea his hair was naturally curly. Not until seeing him in the sparring ring at Skyhold had she discovered the origin of Varric’s nickname for him. She smiled realizing he was relaxed, realizing he trusted her to play with his hair, and realized how comfortable and safe she always felt in his arms.

Cullen opened one eye. “You’re smiling.”

“Your hair is curly. I like it,” she replied deciding not to mention the other reasons.

“I am glad you approve of my wild curls,” he murmured. He wore a lazy grin as he inquired further, “Now tell why else you smile.”

“I...am--You make me feel safe, but you look so relaxed, peaceful almost just now.”

“I am, but I did not know I made you feel that way.”

“Yes you did.”

“Perhaps, but hearing it…”

“Is better,” she finished for him as she ruffled his hair playfully.

He grabbed her hand gently. Wearing a half grin he chided, “Wild hair is not something I thought to acquire when I came here.”

“But...I like it wild,” she admitted softly. “But I like being near you more.”

His shy grin blossomed into a wide one as he pulled her into his arms, pulling the blanket tighter around them. “I feel the same way...You keep the demons and bad memories away...”

“Does that mean that you…You didn’t mean what you said earlier?” she asked quietly as she hid her face in his shoulder.

She felt his arms tighten around her again. “I am sorry, Nyssa. I shouldn’t have said those things…You do help. You help so much…Your kindness is—is everything to me…I want to remember those things with you...with or without wild hair.”

She made a contented noise against his chest. They were going to be okay. “Then I can play with it when it’s wild?”

Cullen let out a chuckle. “As my lady wishes. Playing with my wild, unruly curls is reserved for you only.”


	40. Qunari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Bull deals with the repercussions of choosing the Chargers over the demands of the Qun, Anyssa attempts to help in her own way with surprising results.

“Bull?” Her voice sounded small. She knew that. But everything seemed small compared to the hulking Qunari in front of her. Evie had told her of the events on the Storm Coast. How Bull had chosen the Chargers over the demands of the Qun. She had watched from afar as Casandra and Evie beat the crap out of him with an exceptionally large stick.

While to most it seemed odd, she had heard of similar things in cultures from Earth. Helping to face one’s fears or faults. He had asked them to do such a thing after Adamant too. He had been one of the unlucky ones to fall into the Fade with Evie. That instance had been caused by demons. Now it seemed to be because he was essentially without a people.

She didn’t know what to say or how to help but she couldn’t stand by and do nothing. He was a friend and as Cullen repeatedly pointed out she had more of those than she thought. The least she could do was to act like one, even if it had been a long time.

The large man turned to her from where he had been leaning on the stick he’d just been whacked with. “Hey, little lady! How’s history going so far?”

She rolled her eyes, having learned long ago of his horrible humor. Despite what Cullen believed, she was used to raunchy jokes and as long as the one telling the joke meant no harm she was fine with it. The Iron Bull was a seasoned warrior and Ben-Hassrath, but he had never given her cause to think he would harm her.

“History is still there,” she replied. “I just suppose it matters who writes it.”

He huffed. “The Boss tell you what happened?”

She nodded. “That _and_ Cullen mentioned an assassination attempt that seemed to be more like a curtesy reminder.”

“Yeah. A reminder that I’m a Tal-Vashoth now,” he bit out.

She glanced at the stick. “Is that why Cass and Evie have been beating the crap out of you today? Not sure where you belong?”

“I _belong_ with my men! I told them that on that damned coast,” Bull roared. “I _owe_ them that.”

“Are you sure? Loyalty to the Chargers cost you your place within the Qun. You failed to meet its demands. You put the needs of the few before the needs of the many. What does the Qun say about that?”

Bull glared at her for a long moment then broke into a smile. “Damn, little lady! Back in Haven you would never have had the balls to say that to me.”

“I still don’t,” she retorted with a grin. In recent months she had slowly but surely begun to feel like her old self. She wasn’t quite all the way there yet, but it was nice to know she hadn’t lost everything she had been because of one stupid relationship.

“You could borrow Cullen’s. He’s got a set,” Bull teased as he waggled an eyebrow suggestively.

It took everything she had not to blush. “Ah, no. I think the Commander needs them more than me.”

“He might be willing to share. You know how he looks at you,” Bulled commented with a wide grin.

“Shut. Up. Or I’ll hit you with that stick!” she snapped knowing full well how the Commander looked at her and the fact he was on the sparring field behind them.

“ _You_? Hit me with this?” Bull chuckled, holding the stick up between them. “That would just tickle.”

A thought occurred to her. He really _didn’t_ believe she could bring him down like Casandra had previously. Anyssa had watched from afar and knew what he expected the person with the stick to do. But what if she did something unexpected? Would he be mad?

“You really think that?”

“Well no offense, little lady, but you _aren’t_ Cass or the Boss,” Bull noted with a booming laugh.

“I am very well aware of that but are you scared to let me try?” She taunted with a smirk.

“The Iron Bull scared of a little old you? I don’t think so,” he replied with a hearty laugh. “But if you want try and take down The Iron Bull go for it. But you gotta swear Cullen won’t retaliate.”

“I promise,” she replied as he passed her the stick. “But we agree that this is to see if I can bring you down to the ground right? Not just hitting you. _And_ I can do that however I want right?”

Bull chuckled; disbelief plastered all over his face. “Whatever makes you feel big and strong, little lady. As long as you bring me down to the ground, it counts.”

“Can I have a witness to that statement?” she asked with a grin. She knew she must sound cocky, but she didn’t care. This was going to be fun.

“You have one,” came a familiar voice from behind her. Anyssa turned to see Cullen standing a few feet away his hands resting on the pommel is his sword.

“Thank you,” she replied as he nodded. It was then that she noticed several others had gathered around.

“Well? What are you waiting for? You have an audience,” taunted the Qunari.

“Remember, any way I can,” she said as a began circling him. She ignored the calls of the crowd and the analyzing gaze of Cullen.

Holding the stick just like a baseball bat she moved around behind him. After several passes, Bull said in an annoyed tone, “Come on already or I might fall over from boredom.”

She smiled, trying to sound uncertain. “But I might not do it right.”

Bull made an annoyed growling sound but said nothing. He was going to give her a chance still even if he didn’t believe she stood a chance of bringing him down.

She stood on his blind side. He knew she were there. She saw him tense, ready for a hit on that side. “Just do it already! It’s not like I don’t know where you are.”

She glanced at Cullen who wore a smirk. Did he know what she planned? Pushing that thought away, she said obligingly, “If you say so.”

Using all her strength she aimed not at his back but at the back of his knee on his good side. The Qunari’s leg buckled as he began falling. Reversing direction, she brought the stick up against his chin with a ‘whack’ sound. Bull grunted as he fell backwards onto his back as she moved out of his way. Holding the stick as a bat once more she moved to stand beside him.

Smirking she said, “Is that ballsy enough for you or do I need to do more?”

“ _Fuck!”_ He wheezed. “You may not hit hard but you hit where it counts.”

“You agreed to _any_ way I could,” she pointed out. “I could have aimed for the naughty bits.”

Bull instinctively pulled his legs together. “Nah, I’m good.”

“I wouldn’t do that unless I had a good reason,” she replied as he sat up.

“Where’d you learn that?”

Her gaze flickered to Cullen. In recent weeks she had been spending more time at the practice field during morning drills instead of on the battlements above. “I remember someone offering advice during training. Good to know it was correct.”

“Couldn’t imagine who that person would have been,” Bull commented as he stood up. Turning to Cullen he added, “Would you know, Commander?”

“Perhaps,” Cullen replied with a smug grin.

“She could make a good Ben-Hassrath spy. No one would believe her capable of anything like that,” he noted with a grin.

Cullen shook his head as Anyssa said, “I can bluff but I can’t be a spy.”

“Sometimes bluffing is all it takes,” Bull said as he turned away. “And sometimes all it takes is someone calling that bluff to make you realize how wrong you had been for a long time.”

She watched him walk away as Cullen came to stand beside her. “I hope he will be okay.”

“He will be, but he must see this through in his own way,” Cullen noted softly as the crowd began to disperse.

“I know. He’s Qunari but at the same time isn’t now. He’ll have to deal with that,” she agreed as she turned to him. “On a different subject, what was with the smug grin the whole time?”

“You surprised him.”

“Was I not supposed to?”

“He certainly thought so.”

“But _you_ knew better,” she countered doubtfully.

He nodded. “I know _you_.”

He gave her a grin and then turned to walk away. She watched as he headed back to the training field, unable to form a reply.

“ _And_ you have no need to borrow anything from me,” he threw over his shoulder. “You have more than enough of your own.”

Anyssa knew she was blazing red at his comment. Most wouldn’t know what he was referring to, but she did. He had evidently overheard her earlier conversation with Bull. She turned and glared at the stick still in hand. Deciding to channel Cassandra, she walked over to a training dummy and began whacking it it hide her embarrassment. A chuckle reached her ears as she continued to hit the dummy.

“Mind the bees. You never know where they may nest,” the commander called out.

Anyssa froze in mid-swing. _He knew_. He knew she had helped Sera a couple of months previous and he had waited until now to reveal that fact to her. She chanced a glance behind her.

A grinning Commander met her gaze. He further taunted, “Physical activity can cause you to work up an appetite. Perhaps the kitchen may have some sugar cookies available.”

Anyssa made a face. He was embarrassing her in front of everyone, but no one knew how he was doing it. Of course Cullen would wait for an opportunity such as this. Without much thought, she charged at him and whacked him across his chest plate. Both fully aware no damage had been done.

The Commander easily disarmed her, throwing the stick aside as he pulled her to him. Grinning mischievously he said, “That will cost you, my lady.”

She looked up at golden eyes. They held more than mischief. A longing and need she was herself all too familiar with was held there. “ _What_ will it cost me?”

He leaned down, whispering into her ear, “You will have to wait and find out, Nyssa.”

He pulled away as he released her, a smirk playing across his features. She narrowed her eyes. “You planned this.”

“Perhaps,” he admitted. “It is has been well worth the wait.”

She made a noise of annoyance but said nothing. He had patience and was clearly willing to use it. Instead of saying anything, she simply stuck her tongue out at him. He laughed. “I’m sure Bull would have appreciated that response.”

“Where do you think I learned it from?”

“Something tells me you learned that long before meeting The Iron Bull,” he noted. “But I think learning to be more yourself is something you learned from Bull.”

She considered his words as he returned his attention to the sparring ring. Bull has been right. In Haven she wouldn’t have spoken to him as she had let alone challenged him like she had. She probably wouldn’t have said anything to him about his exile from the Qun. She wouldn’t have openly whacked Cullen with the stick or helped Sera prank him.

Had she changed that much, or had she remembered what it was like to be herself? Bull’s words about someone calling your bluff rang in her mind. Qun or no. Qunari or no. He was right. She had needed someone to call her bluff and make her realize she wasn’t being true to herself. She looked to Cullen who was yelling at a recruit. He called her bluff constantly and she was better for it. She hoped Bull realized he had people willing to do the same for him.

Either way, Anyssa’s bluff had been called and she knew she would have to decide soon. She had a new life, a new direction. Would she let others determine it for her or make her own choices? Would she chose to acknowledge what a certain someone meant to her? Could she be brave enough to try again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I was writing the main story of Anyssa and Cullen, I had several ideas pop up that I couldn't work into "Anchor" for one reason or another. I still want to post them as companion pieces. I hope to have those edited and posted later in a separate story if anyone is interested.
> 
> And just as a general comment, thank you to all those who post comments. I appreciate the feedback. I admit this is a slow burn (much slower than I had originally intended) but I like the fluffy moments between Cullen and Anyssa as it seems most of you do as well. Thank you for indulging me in the fluff (and a little bit of angst.) It just seems more believable this way, giving Anyssa the time to get over her past enough to trust someone again. Of course that someone is our curly haired Commander. The payoff is happening soon. I promise.😉


	41. Dwarves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A late night game of Wicked Grace with Varric results in Cullen accidentally angering Anyssa. Not liking how that emotion reminders her of the past on Earth, she retreats to her chambers only to be followed by a concerned and guilty Commander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***just be aware***  
> references to how Anyssa felt during her relationship with Bryan are mentioned. As usual, nothing graphic.

“You’ve improved since Haven, Icy,” Varric noted as he dealt another round of cards.

Anyssa had originally been working late in her study on a back log of artifacts Dagna said she might need. Near midnight she decided to retire to her room over the garden by cutting through the Great Hall. Varric ever working on a draft of a new story instead of answering the pile of letters from the merchants guild, flagger her down, asking to indulge him in a few rounds of Wicked Grace one on one. When she asked what they were playing for he simply said stories, no coin.

It was her turn to ask for a story since she had won the last hand. “What’s it like to be a surface dwarf who has never lived in Orzammar?”

“The same as being a human who’s never lived in Thedas I would imagine,” he replied with a grin.

She made a face as he discarded. “Yeah. I get that, but you have never lived there. You aren’t tied to the same customs and traditions as Orzammar dwarves. You have a common culture. But it’s been changed because of your _location_. Doesn’t that bother you or at least make you question the original traditions?”

The author laughed as she drew her cards. “You want to know if I give a nug’s ass about the crap going on in Orzammar? My father was thrown out along with his whole house for fixing provings. Honestly, I think being up here is better. Less chance of the roof caving in... Of course there’s the Breach that farts out demons so…”

Anyssa sighed as she studied her hand. He was right she supposed. Just because he was a dwarf didn’t mean he felt a kinship to those still residing underground. The Dalish and city elves felt no such kinship either.

“But you still maintain ties,” she noted finally as they revealed their cards.

“Yeah, it’s kind of like a curtesy, acknowledging that one part of your extended family everyone tries to forget about,” he said with a grin. “Oh, looks like I win this hand. Four serpents and you have well… nothing.”

“Yes, Varric. I am very aware of my shit hand. Thank you,” she replied in an annoyed tone as she reshuffled the deck. “Another round?”

“You want to try and beat me, or you want more stories?” he asked in an amused tone.

“ _Both_ ,” she replied setting the deck down between them. “Now what do you want to know?”

“How well do you know Curly? I mean _really_ know him,” the dwarf said with a knowing gaze. “You don’t usually curse in front of the prim and proper Commander…”

She shuffled her cards around in her hand as she thought of an answer. She recognized Varric knew more than he led on, but he had never once said anything against Cullen. She looked at him over the cards. “Are you asking as an author and storyteller or as a friend?”

“Friend first,” he replied. “If the answer is juicy enough, then maybe as an author.”

She made a nose of annoyance knowing he wouldn’t let go of it. Focusing on her hand she said, “I know the Commander as well as he lets anyone know him.”

“Yeah, but you know _Curly_. The man _behind_ the commander. The one who gets flustered anytime you mention your name in any way other than in an official capacity or friends,” he pointed out as he discarded and drew cards. “The man that made you turn redder than the Nightingale’s hair the other day on the practice field. The one you whacked with a stick and then he grabbed you and—"

“ _Varric_.”

“You’re good for him and he’s good for you. Surely you two see that. Everyone else does,” he explained seemingly in earnest.

Sometimes Varric just outright lied and passed it off as truth. Other times he just blurted out the truth as he saw it, hoping to catch the other person off guard. Nearly nine months in Thedas had prepared her for his antics. What she didn’t understand was _why_ the dwarf was so dead set on insisting she belonged with Cullen.

“We are friends. He saved my life and he has shown great patience with me and kindness I am not sure I will ever be able to repay. That does _not_ automatically mean romance is in the air.” She replied as she discarded another card.

“And I’m sure romance with Curly is straight out of one of my books. He still blushes if you simply say _Blooming Rose_ ,” Varric teased taking a sip of ale. “You know he has a softer side. He never lets anyone see that. The only way I know about it is because I watch you two...After everything that happened in Kirkwall—not just under Meredith—but the fact he held the remaining Templars together and rallied them to help put the city back together with just his will shows what kind of man he really is.”

Anyssa picked up a card. “I don’t know everything he’s been through. I don’t have firsthand knowledge. I hear stories and what he’s willingly told me but that doesn’t mean I understand everything about him...I know what kind of man he is _now_. I see the results of his past and how badly he wants to make up for things that happened before I knew him. To me he is a good man and a better one than I am used to.”

Varric smiled mischievously. “Hear that, Curly? I think you couldn’t ask for a better compliment.”

Anyssa’s eyes went wide as she heard a noise she associated with a certain former Templar being embarrassed or uncomfortable. She chanced a look behind her to see Cullen standing across the deserted Great Hall in just breeches and a white linen shirt. She felt herself begin to blush praying the dim light would hide it.

His golden eyes sought her out as he said, “Anyssa has been incredibly supportive of my efforts. Probably more so than she should.”

Varric chuckled as he shuffled his cards. “Only you would think someone could be _too_ supportive, Curly.”

Anyssa said nothing as she turned her attention back to her cards. She heard Cullen approach the table as she watched Varric draw a card. “I was unaware that you played one on one games Varric.”

“Only with a select few,” he replied as Anyssa discarded and drew. “Icy here is full of surprises. She plays a mean game of Wicked Grace. So far she is winning.”

“I see,” the Commander said standing next to her chair. “Anyssa certainly has many hidden talents. Bluffing, drinking, and pranking that I am personally aware of. Cursing seems to be among them as well or, so I am told.”

She knew the Commander was smirking as he talked. He had to be. She saw Varric’s eyes shift from her to him. “Curly, do you have any idea the shade of red you are causing her to turn?”

“It is most likely a similar shade as she has caused me to turn in the past,” the blond man noted. “She helped Sera place bees in my office and has made certain remarks in the presence of my subordinates that have led to gossip. I would never have thought the woman we found in Haven capable.”

Varric glanced at the historian who was clenching her jaw. “Careful Curly. Say anymore and you might be safer with those extended family members of mine we were just discussing.”

“Pardon?” Cullen asked glancing down at her.

“The Deep Roads, Curly. You might be safer there than here. You’re making her mad,” Varric noted. “It’s the quiet ones you have to look out for remember?”

“Nyssa, I—"

He was cut off but the slamming down of the angel of death card. “Five angels. Beat that!”

“Five! How? You just put down the angel of death,” Cullen explained. “You had six cards! You are only supposed to play five—"

“Better add cheating to the list. She pulled one over on me,” the dwarf said with a grin. “Maybe sleight of hand too.”

“Cheating? She—” he looked down at her in disbelief. “ _You cheated_!”

“That’s the _point_ of the game, Cullen!” She snapped back as she collected the cards and handed the deck to an amused Varric. “Why do you think it’s called _Wicked_ Grace?”

“But—but—"

Varric chuckled as Anyssa said in an exasperated tone, “It’s a _game_ Cullen. That’s it. Quit acting like I’ve committed some great offense against Thedas.”

She turned to the author. “Thank you for the game, Varric. I’ll see you later.”

“Anytime, Icy. Maybe the Commander can join next time.”

“Not if he’s going to act like I committed a _crime_ ,” she muttered as she walked across the hall to the garden door without a word to Cullen.

She heard Varric encourage the Commander to follow her, but she didn’t care. She was embarrassed and angry. A combination she did not like. It was too close to what she felt when Bryan showed her off to his friends, speaking as if he were a blessing instead of a nightmare. She wasn’t sure why she felt it now, but it was too much.

She reached her door only to find herself caught between it and Cullen. She ignored the fact he stood silently behind her, waiting for her to unlock her door. Pointedly refusing to look at him she let herself in but made no move to stop him. He wouldn’t leave until he were satisfied she were okay anyway. She heard the door close and then saw him move to start a fire.

She remained in the middle of her small room silently waiting for him to speak. He turned to her from where he knelt in front of the fireplace. “I am sorry...I...I did not mean to anger you. If I went too far—“

“You think I did something awful by doing what you’re supposed to in a game!”

He swallowed. “It was... _surprising_. I know I said in Haven you could keep –that you did not have to tell me everything,. That I was not your keeper. I just--I did not know you possessed those skills.”

She was silent for a long time. She could be mad at him for an innocent mistake or she could explain where she was coming from. It was her choice. Take the easy way out or be brave…

“I learned them and bluffing as you put it to make things bearable. He had so much control over _everything_ … I had only my job and even that I had to tell him where I was going...eventually I became convincing enough I could occasionally fool him just so I can do something simple as go to the park or sit by a lake without him breathing down my neck.”

“This has to do with Bryan?” He asked rising to his feet.

She nodded but said nothing else. Cullen came to stand in front of her. “I couldn’t sleep. I thought to go to your study for a while but one of the watchmen said you were playing cards with Varric. I had hoped to see you...and now I’ve upset you instead.”

Anyssa groaned. “I— you didn’t—I mean you did a little bit but it’s not you...not really. It’s these...things I remember sometimes, how they make me feel. I don’t like it.”

He stepped closer. “I go to your study because of the same thing. I don’t want to remember or feel that way again. But I found you…”

She looked up at him confused as he cupped her cheeks. “I found you and have watched you become stronger, more sure of yourself...I have come to depend on you for…”

He trailed letting his hands drop to his sides. “I shouldn’t burden you with—"

“Do you trust me?”

“What?”

“Do you trust me? Do you think I belong here?”

“Yes.”

She looked passed him into the fire. “Then...stay for as long as you need.”

“Nys…”

“I don’t want to feel this way, not when you are here. I want to feel like I belong...I’m from Earth but never felt like I belonged there as much as I feel it here. I _do_ feel that here…”

He gave her a small grin. “I will stay for a little while.”

She nodded as they moved to the small sofa. He sat in the corner as she sat next to him. She was perfectly happy with the arrangement until he made a disapproving sound. She looked up at him to see a shy grin. She frowned. “What?”

“This won’t do,” he stated. She suddenly found herself nestled against his shoulder; his arm wrapped tightly around her. He murmured into her ear, “This is much better…”

“Cullen?”

“Pleased allow me this,” he whispered in a pleading tone. “I know you are real this way.”

She let her arm rest around his waist. She heard him make a sound of contentment as she listened to the cracklings fire. His nightmares haunted him in his sleep as his memories haunted his days. If she could help even a little it was worth it.

Maybe Varric had been right. The place everyone thought you belonged to wasn’t necessarily where you truly belonged. Maybe she did belong in Thedas rather than Earth. Maybe Cullen belonged in the Inquisition rather than the Templars. Maybe they were supposed to be together as friends to support one another. Maybe there was more but that could wait.

“You...you can come here anytime you need to, not just to my study,” she found herself saying. “If I can help—"

He hugged her. “You do but I do not wish to intrude.”

“This isn’t intruding. It’s helping you… and by doing that it helps me…”

He said nothing as she felt him nuzzle her hair. He would stay, whether he came again only time would tell. Either way, she would help as much as he would let her.

She closed her eyes allowing herself to feel safe and needed by one of the strongest yet most gentle men she had ever known. It was almost the stuff of dreams or one dwarf’s romance novels. Either way she was content even with the knowledge Varric was taking notes on what he called the juicy bits. She inwardly groaned realizing whatever direction her relationship with Cullen went, it was going to wind up in a book. At the moment she didn’t care. She was happy even if Varric wrote the damned story. Maybe eventually Cullen would laugh about it...after he threatened Varric’s life a dozen or so times.


	42. Noble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen attends a gala hosted by the Inquisition. His recent experiences at the Grand Ball do little to set him at ease as he keeps a watchful eye on Anyssa. When an Orlesian noble warns him of a possible threat to the historian, the Commander is not prepared for the onslaught of memories and emotions that threaten to overcome him as he struggles to keep his promise to Nyssa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***trigger warning***  
> Okay this chapter is probably the longest one. I felt that addressing Cullen's PTSD needed more words to do it justice. Anyssa's response to this is important even with what could have happened to her. Please be aware that this chapter as usual is not graphic but does pay more attention to Cullen's past trauma and his present day response to it. I headcanon that he has had no one to talk to about what happened to him 10 years ago nor has he allowed himself to. I wanted this chapter to show that both of them have come to a point in their relationship where they could share their pasts without fear of judgement. That being said Anyssa also has a close call with a handsy noble. Just be aware of these things as you read.

Cullen had never cared for formal affairs. Especially in Kirkwall when the Knight-Commander usually sent him in her stead citing more important business that needed her attention. He hated the social gatherings Josephine required of them for the sake of alliances. He hated the Winter Palace and the Grand Ball. He hated the waste of time it all was, all the placating nobles, all the small talk, all the frivolous show of wealth. He hated that it was necessary at all.

Now back from Halamshiral, the Ambassador felt the need to throw yet _another_ party to entertain the easily bored nobles. They gossiped and bragged and competed with one another. Then they would turn their attention to those not interested in their charms as if indulging their every request was expected. The lack of respect for personal space was something else entirely. It made the room feel like a cage and Cullen had had enough of those experiences for a lifetime.

The advantage to holding such events at Skyhold was that it was home territory, _his_ territory. He was in charge. He could feign a reason to leave the party at any moment if absolutely necessary, making amends to Josephine later. But here in one of the ancient keep’s large rooms was an exceptionally good reason to stay. His golden eyes watched that reason move along the perimeter of the room, stopping to talk with people along the way.

The honey blonde historian had been asked by the Ambassador to make an appearance. The Antivan hoped her historical knowledge and her way with words would help convince some of the nobles to allow Inquisition forces to investigate archeological sites on their holdings. Finding Corypheus was of the utmost importance and Anyssa McBride had been instrumental in helping narrow down possible sites and finding a pattern to what had been sacked by their enemy.

This night she wore a deep purple flowing dress made of what appeared to be velvet. Its long skirt drifted behind her in a short train while the long sleeves were complemented by a generous amount of fabric draping from her elbows. The dress was trimmed with a silver floral motif along the sleeves, belt, and neckline. While the dress itself had obviously been tailor made for her, she had never worn such a color before, though it complimented her complexion well. The thing that drew the most attention was the cut of the neckline; it was off the shoulder and dipped toward her cleavage in a gentle V-shape. She had never worn something so low cut before and he could not help but feel like all eyes were on her because of it. Of course, that was irrational, but the feeling remained.

Her ice blue eyes caught his from across the room and she smiled at him. He found himself smiling back at her automatically. Of course, someone else caught her attention and she went back to chatting with an unnamed noble woman. She seemed to be enjoying herself, which was good. Only a few months ago, he couldn’t have imagined her partaking in such an event let alone wearing anything like what she was now. At least she appeared comfortable in the unusual choice of attire.

Cullen was grateful that at least his own attire was not the blood red fitted uniform Josephine had insisted everyone wear to the Winter Palace. Instead he wore shades of brown that were much less flashy than that of the nobility which surrounded him. His fitted breeches were almost black with knee boots a few shades lighter. His tailored jacket was similar in color with a dark vest underneath. The white shirt under it all was at least a softer blend then the one for the gaudy uniform. And he was able to carry his sword, even if just for show.

The Commander stood at near attention as the other members of the Inner Circle save Solas, Sera, and Blackwall mingled with the guests. Most had stopped and at least conversed with him a time or two throughout the evening. He welcomed the distraction but kept an eye on Anyssa’s whereabouts at all times. Like him, she had no great affinity for large crowds but did seem to navigate them much better than he. He smirked. At least she stood a better chance of not angering the Ambassador than he did. She had once mentioned attending such functions as part of her job on Earth…

“She is a sight to see, is she not, Commander?” an Orlesian accented voice broke through his thoughts.

He glanced to his right to see a slightly over-weight older man following his gaze. He knew he was talking about Anyssa but decided to feign ignorance. No need give the noble more fuel for whatever his goal was. “I beg your pardon?”

“Your historian. Lady Anyssa. She is quite the vision,” the other man clarified as he turned to the Commander. Holding a hand out he added, “Lord Jacques Charette of Jader.”

Cullen looked at the man’s hand in confusion at first. Normally an Orlesian, especially a noble, would not shake hands at all, let alone with a Fereldan. Cautiously the Commander took the man’s hand and received a strong shake in return. “Commander Cullen Rutherford.”

“I gathered as much, and I take no offense in your hesitation to shake my hand. Our two nations have never had a very amicable relationship,” Charette noted as he released his hand. “I own a shipping business amongst other things in Jader and have come to have a healthy respect for your native land and its people. It is not popular, but it makes trade happen.”

“You trade with Ferelden?”

“Quite frequently actually,” the Lord noted as Cullen watched Anyssa move to another group of people. “Strong trade alliances with Highever and Amaranthine in particular are a major part of my business.”

“I was unaware that _any_ Orlesian would actively seek such a thing,” Cullen admitted as Anyssa disappeared from sight.

The older man chuckled. “I’m also a business man and old grudges only stump our growth. The Inquisition has been good at pointing that out to those who will listen.”

“I am glad to hear we are accomplishing more than just military victories then,” the former Templar replied as he turned his attention back to the noble.

“Tell me, Commander. The gossip mongers amongst us have it that you and your lady historian are in fact secretly involved. That is why you refused the advances of half of Orlais at the Winter Palace,” Charette said with a slight grin. “Is that true or merely Court gossip?”

Cullen narrowed his eyes. He had waited all evening for that to be brought up. He was well versed in the gossip that circulated about his friendship with the Earth woman. He had rehearsed his polite reply over and over but in the moment he wanted to do nothing more than tell the other man to sod off. Instead he said evenly, “Lady McBride and myself are involved with no one. That includes each other. We are work colleges and friends. I would ask that you leave it at that, Lord Charette.”

“I apologize if I have offended you, Commander. That was not my intention. Lady Anyssa is a kind, intelligent, sweet woman. She reminds me of my own wife actually. It is with that in mind that I wished to talk to you,” Charette replied, his tone becoming softer causing Cullen to strain to hear him. “I have noticed you gazing after her most of the evening. Others have noticed as well. If she is not yours in name, it is unsaid. In Orlais such things occur, and others of my social standing take it as a challenge. You will not openly claim her as yours, but you keep others from claiming her by your actions. They may attempt to instead. I do not wish for that to happen. She has been nothing but sweet and accommodating since my arrival.”

“ _My claim_? She is not a piece of meat or an acreage of land or a castle won in battle!” Cullen said his volume raising with each word. “She is—”

“Important to you,” the Lord finished meeting Cullen’s angry gaze head on. “ _That_ is why you should be made aware that a few are not happy you spurred their advances…”

Cullen’s eyes quickly began scanning the room for Anyssa, biting back a comment of the ridiculousness of it all. “Why are you telling me this? The _real_ reason?”

“Because I once looked at my wife the way you look at Lady Anyssa and nearly lost her because I was either too proud to admit I needed her or too stubborn. I hate to think of the man she would have married if I had not stood up and finally told her…She would have been at the whims of an unappreciative bastard of a man.”

Thoughts of the past Anyssa had detailed about her life with her boyfriend on Earth rushed to the forefront of the Commander’s mind. He could not stand seeing her end up in another such relationship on Thedas. “You think that I—”

“Perhaps I have misread the situation, but either way I know your eyes are not the only ones on Lady Anyssa this evening, Commander. I wish you and Lady McBride all the best no matter what the future holds…I will take my leave now.”

Cullen watched as the man returned to mingling with the crowd. Was the strange noble correct? Was Anyssa _his_ without him openly stating it? How could that be? They weren’t in a relationship, not even a secret one. He did admit he did not want a relationship with anyone else and the only person who occupied his thoughts was Anyssa. He had grown closer to her as her time in Thedas wore on. He counted on her for an ear when he needed to vent, a shoulder when the withdrawals and nightmares hit him hard, a smile when he felt he could remember the good times, hope when he thought of the future.

He blinked his eyes trying to clear his mind. He needed to focus. Anyssa might be in some sort of danger, even if it was simply a noble infringing on her personal space. After his experience at the Winter Palace, he had no wish for her to face the same thing. Regardless of his jumbled feelings at the moment, he needed to find her. Danger or no, he just needed to find her.

^^^^^

“I am sorry, Lord Rousseau, but my answer is still no,” Anyssa’s voice came from a far corner of the large entertainment parlor, far away from where the bulk of the party goers loitered. Her voice was firm but stilted. She was frightened but doing a good job of hiding it. He, however, would know that inflection in her voice anywhere.

Cullen made his way through the throng of people, still frustrated it had taken him nearly 15 minutes to find her. The noble she was talking to stood a head taller than her, putting him level with Cullen. The Orlesian was wearing some sort of long tailored coat trimmed in shiny golden thread and buttons. The dark red color of the fabric reminded Cullen far too much of the bloodstains across the many battlefields he had fought on. The noble appeared to be leering over Anyssa, keeping her purposefully separated from the rest of the crowd.

None of the Inner Circle were in sight as he barreled through, determined to reach her before something happened. His heart was already pounding in his chest, his blood rushing in his ears. All the conversations around him were muted as he focused solely on Anyssa and the clearly unwanted attentions the noble was showering her with. Charette’s warnings echoing in his mind.

_Perhaps I have misread the situation, but either way I know your eyes are not the only ones on Lady Anyssa this evening, Commander._

“My dear lady, no one refuses me. It is simply _not_ done,” Rousseau oozed in a tone meant to be charming. Cullen found it sickening, especially as he saw the man take a hand and caress her bare shoulder. The historian shivered as he went on, “You cannot deny me. No one does. I am a noble Lord of the House Rousseau in Orlais. You are but a simple Fereldan who should be honored I took an interest in her.”

“I have _no_ interest in _you_ ,” McBride bit back her voice full of more venom than Cullen had ever heard from her as she brushed the man’s hand away. The Commander sped up his pace, finally free of the crowd. Most of the Inner Circle he knew were occupied with entertaining other guests. They had no reason to think anything like this would happen. But it was.

Cullen flashed on his experience at the Winter Palace once again. The people asking questions too personal to ask. People commenting on his eyes, his hair, his physique as if they had the right. People touching him, grabbing him, nearly outright groping him. People throwing themselves at him, expecting him to simply fawn over them with abandon. It reminded him too much of what he had endured at the Circle during its fall, the caged, helpless feeling. And now Anyssa was being put through nearly the same thing in their _home_. A place meant to be safe from such things.

“ _That_ was the wrong thing to say,” the noble sneered as he grabbed her arm and roughly shoved her against the wall. “I _will_ have what I want as I _always_ do. With or without your permission or that of your precious _Commander_.”

“No, I—”

Cullen watched a Rousseau leaned into Anyssa pressing against her, keeping her pinned to the wall. She squirmed against him which only seemed to encourage him.

_The bastard knows. He knows about my friendship with Anyssa…_

With that though Cullen began outright running toward the pair, grabbing the other man by the collar before he could kiss Anyssa. Roughly pulling him away, the Commander all but threw the man behind him as he made eye contact with the historian. She was physically fine, but visibly shaken.

Assured of her safety for the moment, the Commander put himself between the noble and Anyssa as he turned to watch Rousseau stumble backward into a statue. “Do _not_ touch her.”

“Stay out of his Fereldan dog,” the Orlesian replied as he quickly righted himself. “I will have what I want.”

“She is not yours,” Cullen said in a menacing tone. He made sure to keep her behind him as he held an eye on his target. Just beyond the other man, the former Templar noticed several people take an interest in their part of the room.

“Apparently she is not yours either, Commander. Or is she and doesn’t realize it?” the Lord sneered as his eyes flickered behind him.

Cullen heard Anyssa make a noise of distress as he replied, “My relationship with Lady Anyssa is none of your concern just as _she_ is none of your concern. Now focus your attentions elsewhere.”

“A Fereldan dog lord ordering me about? What a jest!”

“This Fereldan dog lord commands the army that is keeping your holdings safe and could have you removed from this keep with one word,” Cullen said evenly, willing the feelings and memories of his past to not overwhelm him. He had to keep Anyssa safe. He had to keep his promise.

“But you won’t,” Rousseau replied smugly, wiping away invisible dirt from his coat. “Your Antivan Ambassador won’t allow it. In fact, I think you will be owing me an apology and possibly begging for my forgiveness.”

“Not bloody likely,” Cullen muttered, as he felt Anyssa place a hand against his back between his shoulder blades. She did not want him to fight the man. He really had no desire to fight the pompous womanizing mongrel either. He wanted to take Anyssa away from it all and just make it all go away.

“This little farce has gone on long enough. Hand the woman over to me and be done with this,” the man said. “If it makes a difference I will pay you—”

“Andraste’s flaming sword! How can you even think—”

“ _Everyone_ has a price, Commander. It’s all part of the Game.”

“It is a good thing I do not play that game then,” Cullen said feeling Anyssa’s hand fist the material of his jacket. Quietly for only him to hear, she uttered his name, a plea to just end it. He wished he could, but the Orlesian’s next act made that impossible.

“Fine. If you cannot be bought I will simply _take_ what I want.” Rousseau took a step forward, his hand extended towards Anyssa.

Cullen’s hand fell to his sword pommel. Unsheathing it a fraction of an inch, he warned, “Do not come near her.”

“You would draw your sword on me?”

“I would.”

“Is everything alright here, gentlemen?” Evie’s voice came from behind the noble.

Cullen said nothing as Rousseau said, “Apparently the Commander feels the need to impale me with his sword for speaking with Lady McBride.”

“Our Commander does not usually draw his sword at social gatherings…as much as he might want to,” the Inquisitor noted with the barest hint of a smirk.

“Lady Trevelyan surely you can see that he means me harm!” Rousseau exclaimed in a shrill tone, gesturing wildly at Cullen.

“What I see is that the Inquisition’s historian terrified of something and it is not the Commander.”

“She was indulging me in conversation which led to other things and he interrupted—”

“No. That’s _not_ what happened,” Anyssa corrected as she came out from behind Cullen, much to his displeasure. He watched as she mustered up her courage to confront the man that had accosted her. “He would not take no for an answer and he…he tried to force me…”

“You lying Fereldan bitch! You would have welcomed my attentions—” Rousseau yelled as he lunged at her.

Cullen moved with the speed of a seasoned warrior as he pulled Anyssa out of the way while simultaneously punching the Lord in the jaw. The noble once again stumbled into the stone statue, sliding to the floor in a heap.

Staring down at the dazed man, Cullen felt his chest tighten as he seethed, “Do not ever come near her again, or so help me, the Maker himself will be the only force in the world that will keep me from hunting you down and—”

He stopped when he felt a hand on his chest and a voice call his name softly. He looked down to see Anyssa looking up at him, pleadingly. He set his jaw and took a steadying breath. _She knew._ She knew what he had been about to say. Did she know that he had close to pummeling the man into the stone floor right there if he spoke again? Wearing the mask of the Commander, he said evenly despite his racing mind, “If you will excuse us, Inquisitor…”

Evie nodded. “Of course, Commander. We’ll handle things here.”

Cullen wrapped an arm around Anyssa’s waist tightly, not caring in the slightest how it looked or what the gossipers would say. He needed out and he needed to know she were safe. He felt her keep her hand on his chest as he lead them out of the room; surely she could feel his racing heart. Once in the hallway, he froze, not sure where to go. His flight or fight instinct very much active but his mind’s continual flashbacks to Kinloch Hold made him an unwilling pawn in the never-ending mind games his withdrawals and nightmares played with him.

“Cullen…Just follow me.”

It was the only thing he could do as he let Anyssa weave them through side corridors until they reached the steps to the far battlements near the stable. Keeping them on the rookery side of the crumbling wall, she stood beside him, making no effort to escape his hold. “Cullen?”

It was too much. The dreams. _No._ Nightmares, he corrected himself, had played with his desires, his hopes for so long. Now he stood with the one person who he had told everything to. Who he had poured his heart out to. Who he had promised to protect, and he almost failed in that like so many other things. How could he have feelings for her? How could he have placed so much hope in a future with her in it when he—

“Cullen, please…”

His free hand shot forward to grasp the stone wall, the night air blowing lightly around them. Leaning heavily against the stone, he released his hold on her waist to rest fully against the battlements. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t keep his promise. He couldn’t keep her in his life, not if it meant she’d be in danger.

The demons were right. He was broken, a poor excuse for a man, a commander. He deserved no happiness, no peace, no mercy…

“ _Cullen_. Look at me. Please.”

His grip on the stone became like a vice. She still stood beside him. She still cared. She still believed. Her hand covered his, her thumb rubbing gentle circles over the top. Slowly, he glanced at her. Ice blue eyes reflecting the moonlight. “Anyssa, I can’t—”

“Can’t what? You stopped him. He protected me just like you promised,” she said, with a small smile.

He shook his head, refusing to acknowledge her interpretation of the evening’s events. He hadn’t been victorious. He had still allowed the ruddy bastard to corner her in the first place. “I can’t protect you like I should. He could have—”

“But he _didn’t_ ,” she insisted, ceasing the circles with her thumb, and gripping his hand tightly instead.

He shut his eyes. Why didn’t she understand? “I can’t let anything happen to you…I can’t—I couldn’t live with myself if I did…I don’t deserve to have you in my life…”

“Cullen. Don’t say that.”

“It’s true,” he insisted, feeling as if she should understand. He wasn’t the better man she always said he was. He felt tears begin to fall; he’d fail just as he had in Kirkwall and Kinloch. His next words came out as a choked whisper, “I’m not the man you think I am.”

She moved under his arm to stand between him and the stone wall he leaned upon. Reaching up, she gently cupped his face, using the pads of her thumbs to wipe away the tears. He tried to tell her he wasn’t worth it, but no words came out. He watched as she gave him an empathic look, her hands continuing to cup his face.

“This? These tears? They are not a weakness,” she whispered, her voice full of belief—in him. “They show how strong you are and how strong you’ve _been_. And when you’re done, look back and know that you were strong enough to overcome what you once thought was impossible.”

“Nyssa, I—”

“You’ve been so strong, even before I arrived her, before you saved me. You’ve carried on when other men would have broken down and wilted away. But not you. You, Cullen, stand against the chaos no matter the cost to yourself and you keep going. You’ve shown me how to be brave. How could I see that as weakness? How could you think you don’t deserve some peace in your life…”

“I don’t—”

“If—if I bring you a little peace…why would you think I shouldn’t be in your life?” she asked as her voice wavered, full of emotion. “I want to…I want to be in your life. I want you to—to want me in your life.”

“ _Nys_ ,” was all he could utter as he wrapped his arms around her in a fierce embrace. He buried his head in the crook of her neck as she flung her arms around him. As they clung to each other in cool night air, the rest of the world ceased to exist. The troubles of the Inquisition were far away. There was only the two of them.

He felt her stroke the hair at the base of his skull over and over. It was an action she had started once he had begun seeking her out during the worst of his withdrawals. He had come to accept it and her touch so readily over the last few months he couldn’t image a time without it. But another had tried to take her—

“Nys,” he murmured against her shoulder.

“I’m right here,” she assured him.

Her voice small but reassuring. She was being so strong for him even though Rousseau had tried to…He couldn’t bare the thought of it as he shifted her in his arms, bringing her as humanly possible to him. “Are you alright? He didn’t—I tried to get to you faster. Another noble warned me—”

“I am fine…or I will be,” she replied moving her head to rest against his shoulder. “I just…I am glad you were there.”

“I…I always want to be but—” he started trying to find the words. “The nobles…They just remind me of Kinloch. I experienced flashes of being there…I couldn’t—The Winter Palace was the same…It _felt_ the same. I’m afraid that this isn’t real, that’d I am still trapped in the Fereldan Circle Tower…”

“This is real. _I_ am real. If I can finally believe this is real, so can you,” Anyssa said firmly. Cullen tightened his hold on her.

“How can I be worthy of you…”

“You have to believe in yourself. You taught me that,” she replied kissing his temple. “You are so strong, so brave, so kind and _real_. I’m afraid sometimes that this life I have now is not real, but you make me believe…You are the true embodiment of the word noble. Not these people the Inquisition must appease to get anything done. I believe that. I believe in _you_.”

He had no words to properly reply. Instead he continued to hold her, basking in her reassuring presence and the words she spoke. If she could come so far since Haven, surely he could as well. Surely, he could overcome enough of his past to be able to find some peace.

_Peace._ The thought struck him as an unrealized truth. Anyssa did bring him peace. He had never fully realized that until she said it.

Even when everything else was a storm of chaos around him, simply being near her helped quiet the storm. She might not make it all go away, but she offered a respite from it. She was a safe harbor, a shelter he could seek when needed. She was everything he had ever needed but never realized.

He couldn’t imagine a day without her any longer. Even going a day now and then without seeing her was too much. He needed her. He…loved her.

Andraste preserve him. He _loved_ her and couldn’t tell her. Not yet. Not when he was still unsure of things. He needed to think, to focus on how to tell her. How to make sure she knew it was real. How to show her he could love her like she should be loved…

If he couldn’t then he would spend the rest of his life looking after her, making sure nothing malevolent befell her. He would be her friend, her protector. He would love her from afar if that was what she needed. He would be the noble man she needed, putting her needs first. He would do that for her to keep her safe and happy. A life with her in it was worth more than an empty one.

_Noble_. He would be that for her. Brave enough to sacrifice his own desires to ensure her happiness. But oh, Maker, how he wanted her to return his feelings because her presence, her words, her smile was stronger than his demons. He thanked the Maker for bringing her into his life and prayed one day he would be able to tell her how he truly felt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is Anysa's dress (I believe it is a fan recolored dress from the show Merlin; see the link below the pic)

<https://www.pinterest.com/pin/637470522243416482/>

This is close to what I imaged for Cullen. It needs to be more brown than black but the style is close. (I think this is from the show Reign; see the link below the pic)

<https://www.pinterest.com/pin/320740804686950235/>


	43. Mabari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the weeks that followed the gala, Anyssa comes to realize something about her protective Commander. A visit to the stables gives Cullen the opportunity to tell her something she thinks she should find surprising but doesn't.

Anyssa was grateful to the Fereldan horse master for indulging her presence in the stables as he did. During her free time or when she felt overwhelmed by circumstances, she often came to the livery to see the horses. She had loved the creatures as a child but had never learned to ride until prompted by Cullen. Eventually she had started to visit with other animals, specifically a litter of Mabari puppies. Dennet had brought a pair of the dogs with him much to the delight of many native Fereldans who were stationed at Skyhold. That included Cullen who had first introduced the importance of the dogs.

It was late evening, and no one was in the livery. Dennet had retired for the day and Blackwall was most certainly in the tavern being entertained by one of Varric’s Wicked Grace games. Anyssa on the other hand had little tolerance for crowds, especially with the amount of nobles flooding Skyhold at the moment. Since the Inquisitor’s actions at the Winter Palace to stabilize the Orlesian Empire, more and more nobles had flocked to the Frostback fortress to seek favor with Evie. The charismatic Ostwick noble could handle it; Anyssa could not.

Even though she was only the historian and archivist, some of that attention had fallen on her and she rather disliked it. Being talked to by people who thought they automatically should have your undivided attention was not something she enjoyed. Josephine’s first soiree after the Grand Ball was a good example of that. Cullen had thwarted an Orlesian noble’s attempt to have her all to himself. Thankfully, that had been the only incident of its kind.

Instead of partaking in the large dinner that was taking place in the Great Hall, Anyssa had used Skyhold’s maze of side corridors to retreat to the stables. It offered a place of respite from all the unwanted attention. How anyone could enjoy such a thing she had no idea.

Two weeks after the gala where Cullen had come to her rescue left the Earth woman only attending such events as necessary for the time being. Cullen had followed suit and excused himself from every single social gathering including small dinners during the last two weeks. She couldn’t blame him, not after what she had seen him experience in the aftermath. He had been at a breaking point. She had seen it before but not to the point he believed he could not keep his promises to her. That had scared. The handsy noble had scared her. Facing a life without Cullen in it scared her more. So she fought through her own fear in order to be strong for him.

It was the least she could do for him. He had been strong for her since the day she arrived in Thedas. The withdrawals and nightmares took so much out of him that sometimes he let his own insecurities seep through. Those were the times he was the most vulnerable. Those were the times she had discovered she could help him the most. She _could_ help. He welcomed her help. That realization had stuck with her the last couple of weeks. He needed her…

Something she had wanted for so long. Now she had it and it scared her. Cullen needed her and she needed him. That scared her more.

Sitting crisscross on the hay strewn floor, she watched as the 3-week-old puppies attempted to move around the stall Dennet had given them. The mother and father Mabari had long since become accustomed to her visits and rarely objected to the attention she paid their offspring. The Mabari named, Rendorn and Marina, for Arl Teagan’s parents, were apparently very much the typical Mabari Cullen and others had told her of. Very intelligent, very loyal. Very goofy when prompted.

As she held her hand out to one of the pups, she let her mind wander. What did people on Earth think had happened to her? Did they miss her at all? At least maybe her clients missed her work. She had cut herself off from everyone else or allowed her boyfriend to do so. Not many names came to mind that would actually miss her like she wanted to be missed. Most likely everyone thought she had drowned and the asshole she had allowed to control her would say he had tried to save her.

A puppy begged for attention as it attempted to crawl into her lap. It yelped until she picked it up and placed it on her legs. It rolled over wanting its belly scratched. Anyssa glanced at its parents. “You start them early on begging for attention thing don’t you?”

Marine and Rendorn just cocked their heads as if amused by the comment. Anyssa made a face as she heard footsteps behind her. She glanced up to see a familiar face peering back at her over the gate to the stall. He smiled as he said, “So _this_ is where you have retreated to.”

“I couldn’t take the crowd,” she replied. It was the truth just not in detail.

“I can sympathize with that,” Cullen replied as he motioned to the stall. “May I join you?”

She nodded, returning her attention to the pup in her lap. After he closed the door and sat next to her, their knees touching, she noticed he was without his usual armor and mantle. “Are you dressing down, Commander?”

“Ummm, I... thought to be less obvious as to my identity,” he offered as he stretched a hand to tickle to pup. “My hair makes me recognizable enough. Maybe I can have a few moments peace this way.”

She glanced at him sideways. “Nobles?”

He nodded as a few stray curling strains of hair fell across his brow. “Nobles.”

“How can anyone put up with them? They feel so disingenuous. They are pompous and egotistical and shallow and nosy...And have no concept of personal limits or space,” Anyssa exclaimed, knowing full well Cullen felt the same way.

“You have voiced my every complaint about them,” he replied with a chuckle and a half grin. “At least with Mabari you know where you stand.”

She said nothing in reply, instead concentrating only on the pup and the hand tickling him. Knowing where one stood with another was important. Knowing where one stood in the world was important. Knowing how others felt about you was important too. How could you know though? She thought she had on Earth, but she had been horribly wrong. Thedas had given her new opportunities, new people to meet, new things to learn…

“Nyssa?” she heard the voice call her name softly.

She bit her lower lip, refusing to answer. Where did she stand with the Commander? Did she want to know?

“Nys, please. What troubles you?” Cullen asked again using a nickname that sounded more like an endearment the way he said it. He used it predominantly when he knew they were alone..

“I…” she began slowly. “I just don’t like having everyone sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.”

Several of the other puppies made their way awkwardly over to them. Anyssa reached out to pet them. She knew he was watching her every move. He always did when he was concerned. “Nyssa, this wave of nobles will pass. It always does. Courting the Inquisition for favor is the fashionable thing to do right now.”

“It’s _stupid_ ,” she replied with disgust. She motioned to the adult Mabari across from them. “More people should be like Marina and Rendorn over there. Loyal and intelligent and know when to say something and when not to. More people should be like _you_.”

“Like me? I know several individuals who would disagree,” Cullen said trying to deflect the compliment. In all the time she had known him, he had never been able to accept praise, even from her.

“But if I had known people like you on Earth, if I had found myself _with_ someone like you on Earth I might have not--It would have been better,” she blurted out as she continued to look at the puppies instead of Cullen. She forced herself to not glance over to see his reaction though she desperately wanted to. She wanted to know if he felt anything for her beyond friendship.

She heard him take a breath. “What...What about now? Here in Thedas? With me?”

“What do you mean?” she asked feeling him leaning closer.

“You know me. The _real_ me. _Cullen_. Not just the Commander,” he murmured in a hopeful voice. “Is it better here...with me?”

The hopeful and vulnerable tone in his voice undid her. She glanced up at him. “Yes. Yes it is.”

Her answer was greeted by a look of relief and a grin. Then almost as quickly she found his face mere inches from hers. His hand cupping her cheek, grazing his thumb lightly over her lips. His golden eyes locked with hers as she waited for him to do something. She had wanted to know where she stood with him, how he felt. His actions were a pretty solid indication he felt strongly. But to what end?

“Cullen,” she murmured. He let out a sigh as he kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes as he moved to lean his brow against hers. She felt his other hand move around her waist. The only sounds to be heard were the yelps of the pups as they played and one another’s breathing. They remained like that for several long minutes.

She was terrified and thrilled at the implications of his actions but could not bring herself to ask what it meant. Instead she let herself be content with her current circumstances. She was with a man she trusted.

The true magnitude of that fact finally struck her. She was able to trust a man, completely trust him. And he trusted her. He had said from the beginning that trust did not come easily. And now he trusted her, or at least his actions indicated he did.

“Nys. I...I want you to know that I...I want to keep you in my life. Even after we accomplish everything the Inquisition set out to do...I want that very much…”

“You want me to stay with you?”

“Yes,” he replied as she opened her eyes. “Very much so. Is that surprising?”

“I... Everything I’ve been through screams that the answer should be yes,” she answered, as she moved a hand to his cheek. “But because it’s _you_ , it isn’t a surprise at all.”

“I... I am unsure--”

“You embody the very essence of the Mabari your people revere so much. You are loyal and kind and fierce and intelligent. How could I think anything else of you?”

“I’m a Mabari?” Cullen asked with a chuckle as moved his hand to cover hers that still cupped his cheek.

“Yes?” Anyssa replied in a questioning tone, her expression hesitant.

“That is the nicest compliment I have ever received, Nys. Thank you.”

She giggled as she pulled away a bit. Readjusting herself, she leaned against his shoulder, his words and actions causing a swirl of emotions within her. She would figure it out but in that moment she only wanted to be in his arms, safe in the knowledge he wanted to keep her in his life. “I’m always glad to compare you to a Mabari. At least you know where you stand with them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slow burn (the first one I have ever written) and apparently I enjoy writing *very* slow burns. I promise the moment is coming soon. Please just bare with me a little bit longer. (Comments though have given me ideas for "what if" scenarios I might write/post at a later date.)
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!


	44. Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Cullen prepares to journey to the Shrine of Dumat to confront Samson, Sera convinces Anyssa to help him to quit being "Commander Grumpy Pants." Finding him in a very agitated state, she begins to question if he ever really wanted her help. Or if she ever mattered to him at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TW***  
> Anyssa speaks of how Bryan treated her because another character unintentionally reminders her if it. The situations gets resolved but just be aware.

“You want me to do what exactly? Find you treasure?” Anyssa asked the Red Jenny elf as she sat at her desk in the study. The other woman was an infrequent visitor to her study. Sera preferred the opened areas of Skyhold and only braved the darker bits as she put it if she really wanted something. Apparently this was one of those times.

“Well, yeah. Sort of…” the blonde replied hanging from one of the ladders that lined the bookshelves, swinging her legs to a rhythm only she could hear. “Not like the noble asses’ idea of treasure. Not the glitterin’ kind neither.”

“Well, that rules out coin, precious jewels, most precious metals, over the tops golden idols and the like,” Anyssa replied attempting to humor the woman as she sealed several reports to the dwarves of Orzammar. They had asked for any information the Inquisition had uncovered about missing thaigs specifically the one near the village of Crestwood.

“Right. _That_ stuff I’d sell for the Jennys,” Sera replied as she dropped to the floor. “I wanna help someone. They need help but won’t take it. Likes to make a show of not needin’ it. Seems he doesn’t mind it much from you though.”

Anyssa took in a sharp breath and immediately exhaled. There was only one person the elf could possibly be talking about. Was everyone going to offer advice or aid where her relationship with him was concerned? She rolled her eyes and continued sealing the letters. “No, Sera.”

“But he knows about the bees,” she said indignantly.

“No.”

“He teased you in front of Varric.”

“No.”

“He might like your blue under things.”

“Holy hell, Sera! We have never...He’s my friend and he’s _never_ seen my under thingies.”

Sera cackled loudly as she pointed at the historian. “That’s the problem. He _needs_ to see your under thingies and you should see his. You know cause. _Reasons_.”

Finished with the last letter she looked the other woman straight in the eye. The only way to placate the elven woman was to indulge in her request. “What do you want, Sera?”

“I want your thing and his thing to _do_ things, but they can’t until you talk about things that you don’t want to talk about,” Sera replied sincerely. With no hint of humor or an ulterior motive she added, “I can help but you have to come with me. There’s treasure to find.”

Anyssa looked at the letters. The things she did for the people she had come to consider friends. “I have to give these to Josephine.”

“Fine. Then you're done, right? Meet me in the kitchen,” Sera said excitedly. “He’s worrying about things and you can help with that. He needs more than he lets himself have. Damned weird if you ask me.”

Anyssa watched as she bounded out of the study, wondering what she had just gotten herself and by extension Cullen into. What treasure could be found in the kitchens of Skyhold?

~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of hours later, Anyssa had a basket full of sugar cookies of Fereldan origin. The treasure the elf had alluded to. Sera had somehow managed to find a recipe that resembled the popular dessert and had baked several batches of them since the Inquisition moved to Skyhold. The Red Jenny’s whole goal with her antics was to give Cullen something that made him smile. She was convinced if he smiled more he’d be less grumpy. Of course, Sera had made a batch of cookies for herself too.

Once her task was complete Sera had sent the historian on her way, telling her to go make Commander grumpy pants less grumpy. For all of Sera’s confusing ways, Anyssa knew in truth she only wanted things to be right, to go back to normal, for people to be happy. In her own way, she was trying to help Cullen, believing cookies and pranks would make him smile, at the very least provide a distraction.

Now she found herself standing outside the door to Cullen’s tower. He had been in a grumpy mood most of the day. He, Evie, and a small group of handpicked soldiers would be leaving in the morning for the Shrine of Dumat, Samson’s stronghold. She knew he wanted to end the Red Templar General’s reign of terror quickly and that he took it very personally. The man had taken countless Templars into his ranks under the guise of ending Chantry rule and control over the Order. Instead he had turned them into monsters.

She took a breath. She could do this. It was Cullen. No matter what his mood, he was still Cullen. Quickly she knocked on the door. Not even a second later, there was a gruff, “ _Enter_ ” that sounded through the heavy wooden door.

Grumpy still. She sighed. In Haven she had run away several times when he had answered her request to enter in that manner. Later she had noticed it happened to even those he was closest to not just her or recruits. At the moment after everything they had shared, she felt no inclination to run. On Earth she would have, but this was not Earth and she was not that person any longer.

Anyssa pushed opened the door and was greeted by the sight of the Commander pacing the floor. His mantle flung over his chair as he paused to look at who entered his office. His expression was that of extreme annoyance, almost as if he had been about to snarl at whoever dared entered his office.

Proud of herself for not letting it phase her, she nodded to him as she closed the door. “Good evening, Cullen.”

“I gave orders I was _not_ to be disturbed,” he stated flatly, agitation evident from his expression. He stood in front of the fireplace, his arms crossed, his golden eyes watching every move she made.

She tilted her head. Never had his orders to not be disturbed pertained to her. “I guess I didn’t receive the message about that…You’ve never asked me to leave since…since you tried to—in a long time.”

This historian couldn’t bring herself to mention the incident from months before when he had tried to resign during a particularly bad withdrawal episode. He was more than grumpy. He was angry. Not at her. She knew that but the chance to finally confront Samson had affected him more than she had originally thought. Either way Sera had been right. He needed something. He needed to not be alone.

“Well, I still would rather be alone. We are leaving early in the morning,” he said tersely as he turned back to stare at the fire.

Anyssa shook her head. He was being stubborn, a Fereldan trait that she both admired and loathed. “Well, I rather you _weren’t_ alone. Besides I can’t eat all these cookies Sera wanted to give you by myself anyway.”

He let out a growl of frustration, casting a sideways glance in her direction. “I don’t have time for her games. We march on Samson in the morning.”

“ _I know_. Your whole demeanor says you have no patience for anything right now,” the historian noted as she walked to his desk and set the basket on it, her back to him now. “However, she baked them for you.”

“She might have put something in them--”

“That would be hard to do since she roped me into helping. I’ve already eaten one. I think they are pretty good,” she interjected as she turned to look at him. He still wore his armor, his eyes looking at her hard. Quietly she added, “She said they were treasure.”

Cullen scoffed as he turned back to the fireplace. “Cookies are treasure? She wants to help with cookies. What is she thinking? What are _you_ thinking? How can cookies help against a madman who betrayed everything he was supposed to stand for? He betrayed his brothers and sisters turning them into monsters and cookies are supposed to help? _How_? You are smarter than that.”

His words hurt. They weren’t nearly as harsh as anything Bryan had ever said to her but coming from Cullen it was almost as bad. He had been incredibly careful in the past not to take his temper out on her, even with the withdrawals. She knew he had one. She had seen it when someone had jeopardized Inquisition personal over something stupid or when a noble took too much interest in her.

But now none of that seemed to matter. He was so hung up on finally confronting Samson nothing else mattered. Not even her. She sucked in a breath, willing all the feelings of doubt and uncertainty she had worked months to rid herself of to stay away. But having her biggest supporter, the person she cared for most talk down to her brought it all back.

Leaving the basket on the desk, she moved to the door leading to Solas’ rotunda. She had spent nearly two years with a man who treated her like nothing. She had spent nearly a year in Thedas unlearning everything from that life. It took all her courage to walk past the Commander and utter her next words. She was making a choice; one she did not want to make. She was going to walk away from Cullen Rutherford. “I’ll leave them here in case you get hungry. Maybe you could take some with you…”

She purposely avoided looking at him, his back still to her. As she reached the door, his voice called to her. “You are leaving.”

She froze. His voice wasn’t angry. It was curious and a little sad. She choked out her words despite her attempts to keep her voice even. She had made his choice just as he apparently had made his. “You don’t want me here.”

Cullen made a noise of disbelief. “You know that is not true, Nys.”

She would not look at him. She would not allow another to control her even if it was Cullen. She would not be that woman again. If he wanted her to stay, he would have to prove it. “ _Do I?_ The way you just talked to me says otherwise. You told me you had left orders to not be disturbed, that you’d rather be alone…You talked down to me.”

She heard him shift as his armor clanked together. “I...That was uncalled for. I am on edge. Forgive me. I want you to--”

“ _No_ ,” Anyssa said abruptly, whirling around to find him standing closer. Her anger finally overriding her doubts and anxiety. “You say forgive me _every_ time you say something like that. You act as if those two words make it okay. Well, it doesn’t. You don’t get to just say sorry and offer some half-ass explanation and think that it’s good enough. I need more than that. I... _deserve_ more than that.”

“Nyssa--”

“ _NO!_ You tell me exactly why you get to talk to me like that? Why you get to talk to me like Bryan did? Why you don’t have to give me a real explanation even though I know the reason,” she yelled at him, her chest heaving from the exertion. Her mind racing from all the emotions swirling inside. Everything had been fine. They had been fine and now…

Cullen looked back at her in utter shock. She had never raised her voice to him let alone yelled at him before. Anyssa grew silent as she tried to steady her breathing. She watched as he lowered his head in shame, his hands balling into fists. Even with his head bowed, she knew his expression was most likely one of disgust. At himself. He continued the fist and unfist his hands as she watched him, still surprised by her own outburst.

Taking another deep breath, she suddenly felt moisture on her cheek. Wiping at her face, she looked down at her hand to see a drop of water. When had she started crying?

The next thought that crossed her mind was that Cullen was mere inches from her using his gloved hands to wipe away her tears. His voice was frantic as he repeated the same words over and over. “Don’t cry. Maker, please. Don’t cry, Nys. Please. Don’t cry. I am unworthy of it.”

She glanced up at him, his golden eyes desperate to comfort her. It was a stark change to just moments earlier. She could still find no words to reply with as she bit her bottom lip. Instead Cullen stammered out the explanation she had wanted. “I want to confront Samson so badly. I have waited for this for so long. To be able to end his madness...I need to do this but...I have neglected seeing to myself. I let the lyrium withdrawals go untreated…”

Anyssa shook her head as he still cupped her cheeks. “ _Why_?” was all she could utter in barely a whisper. He had promised to not ignore it. He had promised to come to her if it were too much. Surely, he couldn’t believe that was an acceptable excuse…

“I need to be ready to face him. To make him pay for what he’s done to the Order,” Cullen replied desperately, his usually well-kept hair curling as he tried to make her understand.

“Not if you let the lyrium win. You can face him and bring him to justice as you are but not if you waste away…” Anyssa whimpered. She couldn’t lose him, not after everything. “I can’t watch that. I can’t watch you give up on everything you’ve done and accomplished because you want revenge. That’s not you. You want justice.”

“How do you know? I barely know myself,” he whispered, his golden eyes haunted. Her heart threatened to break at his admission. But she could be strong. She could choose to be strong for him, to be strong for them both. 

“Because I know you. I know more than I think you’ve allowed anyone else to know in a very long time. I think that you want someone to know you. To know _Cullen_ not just the Commander or the Templar or the soldier. Just like you said that night in the stables with the Mabari,” she replied hearing her voice grow stronger with each word. “And I know you know the difference between justice and revenge, and you _will_ make the right choice.”

“How—” His voice trailed as his golden eyes sought her ice blue ones. “You still believe that after my weakness?”

“I believe it because _of_ your weakness,” Anyssa explained with a gentle smile. He believed in her; he needed her. And now without a shadow of a doubt, she could admit to herself that she needed him and wanted more.

He looked at her in confusion. “I... I do not understand.”

“You think showing weakness to someone makes you incapable to lead. That’s what happened when you tried to resign,” she explained softly, her hands moving to lay lightly against his plate armor. “Just because you show vulnerability to those who are closest to you doesn’t make you weak or incapable. It doesn’t mean anyone will think less of you. If anything, they see that you are _real_. That you can be trusted and cared for just like the rest of us. That maybe you trust someone enough to allow them to see how truly scared you are and want them to help you feel safe.”  
  


“Nys, I--”

“You don’t think of me any differently when you see my weakness. You lend me your strength. Why can’t I do that for you?...You make me feel safe.”

His golden eyes reflected hope and longing, his thumbs stroking her cheeks tenderly. His voice was low, raw with emotion as he murmured her name. “Anyssa.”

She felt her heart race as her stomach erupted into a fit of butterflies. The way he said her name hinted at all the assumptions people had been making about them for months. His gloved thumbs suddenly stilled as she watched him swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly. They had been close before. Each and every time felt more intense, more intimate. At that moment though, time seemed to stand still as she saw his eyes flicker from her eyes to her mouth.

An overwhelming urge struck her, one that she had always wondered if she would be brave enough to act on. Deciding she needed to know that answer before her courage failed her, before the moment was broken, she raised up on her tiptoes and gently placed her lips against his. She felt him freeze as she lingered a moment longer, his lips warm and surprisingly soft. Lowering herself back down she waited for his reaction. He didn’t remove his hands from her face but instead held his eyes closed.

His breathe was shallow as his hands trembled against her. She didn’t know what to say, afraid if she spoke or moved she would lose him. His voice wavered when he spoke next. “Why? Why did you do that?”

“I... I wanted to,” Anyssa replied afraid she had gone too far. Of everything that she had gained during her time in Thedas, Cullen was the one person she did not want to give up. She felt herself begin to shake as he opened his golden eyes. She saw only adoration and hope there.

Suddenly she was pushed up against the door, Cullen’s mouth seeking hers in a burning kiss. It was nothing like the chaste one she had just given him. One hand moved to prevent her head from banging against the door while the other wrapped around her waist. His tongue begged entrance into her mouth as she felt his fingers weave into her hair. Giving into his silent request as she let go of all her doubts and fears, she returned the kiss with everything she had.

Cullen’s kiss put to shame all the other kisses she had ever experienced. Because he had been a Templar for so long, in the end becoming a Knight-Commander, driven by his devotion to duty and the Maker, Anyssa had wondered (rather sheepishly) whether he even knew how to kiss. It was a stupid thought that crossed her over taxed mind as he nipped and sucked at her lower lip. Holding her head just so as he gave her another searing kiss, his hand around her waist pushed her ever so slightly against him. She let out a whimper as she gave up trying to rationalize what was happening. Was it real?

Unexpectedly, Cullen pulled away. His eyes dark with yearning, his arms tense around her. He rested his forehead against hers as he shyly said, “I’m sorry...That was really nice.”

Anyssa cocked an eyebrow, feeling his muscles flex involuntarily as he held her. Realizing he was restraining himself, that he wanted more but wouldn’t permit it, she asked softly, “Do you...regret it?”

“Maker, no!” he exclaimed as he cupped her cheek again. “I could _never_ regret you.”

She smiled as he continued, “I do want you here. I want you with me. I want to put Samson behind me so I can truly move forward. I need to do this before I can...give you what you deserve.”

“Cullen, it doesn’t matter to me that you are still struggling with lyrium--”

“Oh, Maker. I know—I know that, and I am… _humbled_ by that. But that is not what I meant. The threat Samson poses...if he knew how much I truly care for you…” he trailed as he closed his eyes and visibly shuttered. His voice raw as he added, “Maker, I _can’t_.”

“I am here, Cullen…” she soothed as he looked back at her, feathering her fingers through his hair. She watched as his expression softened, his blond locks becoming wild curls.

“Sera was wrong. The cookies are not the treasure,” he said kissing her again, this time without any reservations. “ _You_ are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I do okay? This is not the end. Nyssa and Cullen have a few more moments together before the conclusion of this particular story. I still have plans for these two but more on that later...


	45. Innocent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen returns to Skyhold two weeks after setting out for the Shrine of Dumat. In that time Anyssa has battled her doubts regarding what their first kiss means. Despite those insecurities, she rushes to the Commander's aid when Cole appears to her late one night with troubling news about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TW***  
> Cullen experiences one of his more intense nightmares brought on by the events at the Shrine of Dumat. It isn't described but his reaction to it is. Just be aware.

Cullen come back from the Shrine of Dumat two weeks later. Two weeks after they had finally kissed. Two weeks of no communication between the them. Two weeks for Anyssa’s anxiety to grow into something she dreaded. She wanted things to be real with Cullen. She wanted Cullen to want her. Her heart knew that he did but her mind as usual overanalyzed everything and caused her to think of every possible reason it wasn’t real.

Arriving earlier in the afternoon, he seemed tired, exhausted mentally and physically. They had not found Samson but had decimated his stronghold and recovered tools used to make his armor. Maddox died to protect the general’s secrets but also ensured there was no way for Samson to properly maintain his armor now. Everyone including Cullen saw it as a victory, one more step closer to ending Samson.

The Commander soon retired to his tower after a short war council meeting. She stayed for a little while until he told her he needed to catch up on things since his absence. He hugged her loosely but made no mention of anything else. No action that hinted at their relationship being more.

Anyssa attempted to chalk it up to his exhaustion and wariness but a voice nagged at her. Doubts and the knowledge that he still wanted to spare her some of the darker parts of his nature and past. She retired to her study seeking to distract herself, unwilling to let her anxiety win. She would talk to him in the morning after he’d at least had a chance at a good night’s sleep.

_Cullen is softer, but demons asked questions that hurt him._

The words were spoken from just beyond the curtain that decorated the entrance from the hall into the study itself. A figure with a very distinctive hat peered around the cloth at her. _Cole_. She had never gotten used to him but was fascinated by his ability to read others and his strong desire to help.

She put her quill down. Cullen’s nightmares frequently involved demons from the fall of the Fereldan Circle. “What demons?”

Was he inferring something was happening now? Had the shrine been that bad?

“The song is wrong, and it makes it easier for the demons to get to him,” Cole answered walking around the curtain. “He wants to be whole again, but the demons taunt him. He was innocent once like you. He wants to keep you that way. He fears he can’t…”

“Cole, what is happening to Cullen?”

He handed her a note written in Cullen elegant penmanship. “They try to use you to hurt him...He wanted to send this to you but couldn’t...I told him I could help.”

The historian looked up from the note. As usual he was gone as if he had never been there. Returning her attention to the note, she unfolded it.

_‘Nys, I need you. I need you to be real. I need your voice to chase away the demons. Please.’_

Everything forgotten but Cullen, she rushed out of the study through the kitchen and across the lower courtyard. Taking the stone steps two at a time she entered the tower without knocking. She found his office empty, his desk reorganized, and the candles sniffed out. Only the fireplace lit the lower level. Above, the beginnings of moonlight began filtering down between the floor boards.

Hesitantly she called out, “Cullen?”

No verbal response, just the shifting of what sounded like a mattress and unintelligible muttering. So he was there but perhaps asleep? Cole had never been wrong when he indicated a person needed help. Varric and Evie were firm in that belief. So the question was: did she enter his loft uninvited or leave? Cullen was incredibly private but surely they were close enough he won’t mind. The words he had spoken before leaving made her think so, made her hope so…

Taking a breath she went to the ladder and began climbing. Pushing aside the thought of how overly tall it was and why in the world he insisted in living above his office, Anyssa began to make out what he was saying. It was definitely words of a sleeping person but not dreaming. He was having a nightmare.

“No… leave me…” he groaned as she neared the top. She reached to push open the trap door but froze at his next words.

“No, Maker! Not her! Please,” he begged. “Please take me instead! Not— “

She flung open the door as she scrambled through the hole in the floor. Perching on the edge of the wooden boards, she was greeted with the view of Cullen twisting in the sheets as if trying to get away from something.

She rose to her feet, worry and concern overriding any doubts she might have felt before. “Cullen?”

“No! Don’t hurt her! Take me! I am what you want,” he continued as if she were not there. His voicing becoming a whimper as he said, “Please, please not Nyssa! Take me. Take me.”

Anyssa froze as she stood by the bed. Was that what Cole had meant? The demons were using her against him in his dreams? Her connection to the Fade was almost nonexistent and she still didn’t understand how native Thedosian were connected. Regardless it was evident to anyone who witnessed something like this that Cullen was being tortured either physically or mentally by something.

“ _Cullen_! I’m right here. It’s a nightmare,” she said as evenly as she could. “It’s not real.”

He jerked at the sound of her voice, turning his head towards her. “Please, please forgive me...I tried to save you...Nyssa, please...I failed you.”

His voice was so small, so broken as she saw tears begin to leak out from under his eye lashes. Not sure if touching him was the right thing to do, she sat carefully on the edge of the bed. “Cullen, I... I’m here. I’m real...Please open your eyes and look at me.”

“You’re gone. They took you instead of me,” he replied almost sobbing. “I was too weak to stop them.”

She watched as he curled in on himself, her heart breaking at his words. That was one of his biggest fears, that without lyrium he could not do his duty and keep those he cared for safe. That he wouldn’t be able to keep her safe. Without thinking she reached a hand out to feather her fingers through his hair. “You aren’t weak, Cullen. You are one of the strongest, bravest men I know. And I am so very proud of you.”

He stilled either because of her words or touch; she wasn’t sure. She lightly caressed his cheek with her other hand, wiping away the tears. Slowly his eyes began to open, the golden orbs darting around the room as if to confirm he was in his loft. Finally they settled on her. Dawning appeared on his handsome features as his hands moved to grasps her wrists. Cullen held both her hands against his cheeks as he choked out, “Real?”

All she could do was nod as she struggled to give me a smile, something to reassure him. He rolled over onto his side burying his face in her stomach. His arms circled her waist as he clung to her tightly. Anyssa felt him shake against her as he took ragged breaths. She continued to stroke his damp hair as she had before, hoping to help calm him. She had forgotten her own anxiety as she just focused on him.

She knew from personal experience nightmares could be horrible; Cullen had helped her through a few since her arrival in Thedas. As she struggled with what to do next, she heard him murmur over and over against her stomach, “Please be real. Maker, please be real.”

Unable to take the helplessness any longer, Anyssa gently pushed at him trying to get the blond man to look at her. He held tighter to her pleading not to be parted from her. In a soft voice she explained as she leaned over to speak into his ear, “Cullen, I am real. I promise but I want you to look at me. Please?”

He squeezed her once more tightly and then slowly as if afraid of what he might find when he looked up. When she saw his golden eyes again Anyssa’s heart nearly stopped. They were bloodshot from crying with dark circles from lack of sleep. But what stood out the most was the look of utter despair and heartbreak held within.

She rested her brow against his as he had so many times before. She whispered, “There’s my Cullen.”

She must have uttered the right words, because in the next instant he had risen up into a sitting position. His arms pulling her into his lap, forcing her to straddle him. He cupped her face as he looked at her intently for several long moments and then claimed her lips in a desperate kiss. She was left momentarily stunned until she recovered enough to move her arms around his neck.

He threaded a hand through her long honey blonde tresses as he held onto the small of her back. Continuing the demanding kiss, he quickly pulled her down to the bed, rolling her onto her back. He lowered himself on top of her as he sucked on her lower lip, then gently nipped at her jawline up to her ear.

Anyssa was lost in a world of mixed emotions. She was delighted by the touch of his skin against hers, relieved he was no longer dreaming, confused they he hadn’t said anything, frightened he might still think it was a dream. She held onto him as he finally murmured into her ear, “l thought I had lost you...The demons took you. I begged them not to. To take me instead...Samson overpowered me. He—he _laughed_ while the demons—"

“ _No_ , Cullen,” she interjected firmly. “That didn’t happen. No demons or Samson will take me from you...I have gone through too much to let that happen. I want to be here with you and I’m going to stay _with_ you.”

“How do you know that—"

“It was a nightmare. You’ve helped me through mine. And I… am here,” she replied kissing his temple. “I am real. Let me be strong for you if you can’t be right now.”

“How can you be so confident now?” He whispered as he laid his head on her shoulder. “When we first met you were so afraid of everything...now you shine like a beacon...I don’t know how you can do it… I lost that a long time ago.”

She held him tightly. “We both lost something precious because of the actions of others...You told Cole, or he thought you meant that you lost your innocence after Kinloch Hold, but you wanted me to keep mine.”

“He came to me wanting to help...I only thought to go to sleep and see you in the morning...rested and better—not like this,” he said against her shoulder. “You deserve better.”

She exhaled heavily. It was easy to forget that the intimidating Commander of the Inquisition’s forces had his own doubts and insecurities. But she was determined to remember that from now on. “I don’t want better. I have better than I have ever had right here with you. My innocence was taken when I foolishly continued to see a man who was nothing more than a horrible excuse for a human. I ignored all the red flags. I let him control me. I let my fear control me and like you said all those months ago, I could have ended up dead because of that. But I didn’t and I’m with you. This is what I have wanted… I just couldn’t tell you that until now.”

“You remember what I said in Haven?” He asked quietly propping himself up on an elbow to look at her. His voice stronger, his expression more serene.

She nodded shyly as he cupped her cheek, grazing a thumb over her lips. He gave her a small smile. “You are the strongest woman I have ever met...I do not know what I did for the Maker to have brought you into my life, but I thank him every day.”

“Cullen…”

“I know that we cannot go back to how we were before those things happened to us, but I would see that it does not occur again,” the Commander promised, conviction in his voice. “You say you aren’t innocent. I care to disagree. To me you are, and I will see that continue. I will protect you. I swear it.”

“Then let me do the same,” she replied as he looked back in confusion.

“You are not a warrior—"

“From your past, from the demons that taunt you in your sleep, from the memories that haunt you during the day...please let me help you…”

“Maker, I don’t...Will you stay with me...tonight?...Please?” He sounded so unsure when he asked while his golden eyes reflected hope that she would.

She had yearned to feel needed, wanted for so long. To have someone care for her as all the fairytales held. She wanted to not be afraid of the person who professed to wanting her in their life. Cullen did that for her as hard as that had been to admit. That she wanted to be with Cullen.

“Yes,” she replied softly raising her head to kiss him. He kissed her back as he rolled them to their sides. As he arranged the blankets to cover them, Anyssa moved to lay on his shoulder. The historian was surprised when he gently pushed her back to the mattress, kissing her tenderly and then resting his head on her chest instead. She marveled at the incredibly vulnerable act as she wrapped her arms around him.

She decided not to inquire about his actions and instead closing her eyes, content to offer him any support she could. Even like this.

“I can hear your heartbeat this way,” he murmured suddenly. “I know you...that _this_ is real.”

She hugged him, kissing the crown of his head unsure what to say. Cullen made a contented humming noise as he nuzzled her with his nose. “Thank you, Nys. I... I don’t know—Just…thank you.”

“You never need to thank me…” she replied sincerely.

“Nys, I... lo—Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Cullen,” she replied as his breathing slowed. He was out quickly, thankfully. She prayed he was able to rest peacefully the rest of the night. She on the other hand was kept awake by what he _hadn’t_ said. He hadn’t said the words, but she knew he wanted to. He knew they would scare her. He had put her first again and he probably always would. That scared her too.

For now they would settle for goodnight. It was safe. It could mean the same thing. And it was something she could say. Maybe one day she could reclaim some of the innocence Cullen clearly believed she still had. And maybe one day she could say what goodnight actually meant to her.


	46. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Inquisition continues to make preparations to march on the Arbor Wilds, Cullen personally sees to concerns raised by some of their Orlesian allies. Taking Anyssa with him as he inspects their forces outside of Skyhold, the Commander looks forward to time with her away from the ancient keep. Unfortunately, the sudden appearance of a rift changes those plans and reveals the truth of Anyssa's journey to Thedas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TW (maybe?)***  
> Anyssa has something akin to a panic attack, blaming herself for what happened to Cullen. It's nothing extreme but just be aware.

Despite the assurances from Empress Celene of her army’s readiness for the impending march on the on the Elder One’s forces, several of her generals demanded personal guarantees from the Inquisition’s Commander about their preparedness. Grand Duke Gaspard had suggested the Commander make a personal appearance in the Dales in order to placate them. The Empress’ cousin had also implied it was simply a ploy by some of the nobility to either gain favor with the Empress or the Inquisitor or possibly even discredit one or the other because Cullen was _Fereldan_. Evelyn dismissed the idea and chose to focus on their military goals. She did however recognized that sending Cullen to deal with nobility even military nobles on his own was not an ideal situation.

Josephine eagerly proposed that Anyssa accompany him on the trip. She rationalized that McBride had gained sufficient experience assisting her and was by nature a peacekeeper. The Antivan had also thrown in the fact the Commander was more responsive to Anyssa’s advice than others, hinting at the relationship they had only begun a couple of weeks previous. Cullen begrudgingly agreed to the conditions openly, but personally he was elated at the prospect of having time with Nyssa away from Skyhold.

Since Crestwood, the Earth woman had only left the keep a hand full of times to places in Ferelden or Orlais that the Advisors deemed safe to conduct field research. Usually Evelyn gave the final word but was adamant that her friend should see more of their world than the inside of an ancient keep in the Frostbacks. Cullen from the start also asked to be allowed to weigh in on the decisions. He told the Council it was within his duties to do so. To Anyssa he admitted that he had to keep his promises to her, and this was one way he did it.

Of course, the decision to allow Anyssa to accompany him had been made with the knowledge that all the rifts along their route had been closed by the Inquisitor herself. But as those in the Inquisition had come to know, a rift could open anytime, anywhere. Such had been their unfortunate luck as they traveled to Ville Montevelan located north of the Arbor Wilds in southern Orlais. They had traveled past Sahrnia hoping to reach the next Inquisition outpost before dusk when a scout had yelled a warning. It had been too late: the rift opened in the middle of the Inquisition forces.

Scattering as the demons began pouring out of the eerie green vortex, Cullen rallied the troops to contain them. Despite being unprepared for the onslaught, his forces responded as they had been trained. Beating back the demons, they were able to get a handle on the situation before the demons could escape into the countryside. Cullen ordered for troops to be left behind guard it on a rotating basis until the Inquisitor could arrive and seal it.

Arriving near dusk, much later than they had planned, Cullen saw to his men before himself. Anyssa stayed nearby the whole time, quietly attending to any task she could but never out of his sight. He walked the lines of tents, talking to his men, making sure they had eaten, seeing that the wounded were cared for. The entire time the historian followed behind, following up on anything that still needed to be done. Her days in Haven of helping where ever she could came back into play. He was proud of her for helping out without having to be told to and for not hiding away like she had all those months ago. She had come so far, beginning to show more of who she really was to others, not just to him. Finally, satisfied that all that could be done had been done, Cullen motioned for her to join him in the tent set aside for the Commander. The honey blonde woman simply nodded, a bundle of food in hand.

As they entered the large tent, Cullen turned to take the food from her, having every intention of helping her. But she shooed him away, apparently dead set on preparing their meal, knowing he had not taken the time earlier to do so. He watched as she stopped in the middle of the tent, taking in their surroundings. Her personal bags had been placed in his tent per his request. Anyssa’s gaze felt upon them, setting off to the side in the corner with beside his belongings. He hadn’t told her of the request but after the rift he couldn’t leave her by herself. She had not been herself since the rift. She had been quiet, more quiet than unusual, only offering one-word answers or gestures. Her eye contact was almost non-existent. Something bothered her so greatly, she began to withdraw from those around her. He feared that might soon include him.

He watched as she bit her bottom lip and then moved slowly to a small table on the opposite side of the tent. She glanced back at him with questioning eyes, their food waiting for them on the table. He busied himself by removing his sword and belt as he said softly, “I thought you...That you wouldn’t want to be alone...after--”

Blue eyes watched him closely as he began to take off his mantle and armor. His movements were slow and stilted as he waited for her response. Had he over stepped their bounds? They had only spent the night together a handful of times since he had returned from the Shrine of Dumat. It had been usually because one or the other of them just wanting to be certain they weren’t alone. Nightmares still plagued them both and the closer they were to facing Corypheus head on, the worse they seemed to be. Falling asleep and waking up next to her had given the Commander a sense of peace that he desperately wanted and hoped it was the same for her.

“I--I don’t want to be alone,” Anyssa finally uttered, continuing to stare after him.

Relief washed over his being as he removed the last pieces of armor. Lifting the chest pieces over his head caused a groan to escape from his lips unbidden. Setting them aside he turned away from her hoping she merely took the sound as relief to have the metal removed or exhaustion from the battle. Of course, Nyssa knew him better than most and despite her own emotional state she immediately came over to him. He put on his best ‘I’m fine’ face as she called it and hoped this one time she would not be able to call his bluff.

“Cullen?” There went any hope she would believe him. _Why did she have to be so skilled at Wicked Grace?_

He tried to wave her off, even knowing he wouldn’t be successful. “I am fine, Nys. You should eat.”

“So should you, but why are you moving so slowly?” Anyssa asked, coming to stand directly in front of him. “Were you hurt?”

“It doesn’t matter. The men took few casualties, and you are safe,” he deflected weakly, seeing her glance up at him from the corner of his eye.

She made a face he had come to associate with when she believed he was being too stubborn for his own good. When he was being _too_ Fereldan. “You _are_ hurt...But you’re not bleeding…”

The Commander suddenly found his shirt unceremoniously pulled from his breeches and raised. Her eyes went wide as she saw the bruises still blossoming across his chest. Before he could stop her, the historian moved behind him, pulling at the material there to reveal more bruises. He heard a muffled sob as he turned to face her. Anyssa held her hands over her mouth, tears threatening to fall.

“Nyssa, I am _fine_. It is not as bad as it looks,” he tried to assure her. He hated when she cried, especially when she cried over him. He never believed he would feel worthy of her tears. “It would have been much worse if I had not been wearing my armor.”

She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut. “You were protecting me...If I had moved quicker, the demon wouldn’t have…”

She trailed off, turning her head away from him. She was referring to the Fear demon that had attempted to attack her. She had run away from the rift at his urging but the demon, catching sight of her, had given chase. Cullen had quickly moved to intercept it, standing his ground between the demon and her until others could join the fight. In addition to its magical abilities, the Fear demon had used physical attacks, battering Cullen with them almost to the point of driving him to his knees. With Anyssa needing protection he had refused to yield, taking whatever punishment the demon gave him as long as she were safe.

“You are _not_ at fault, Nyssa,” he said cupping her face, willing her to listen. She had come so far. _They_ had come so far. He didn’t want to lose that now. “I promised to protect you…”

“I don’t want you to die doing that,” the historian whispered as he brought her into an embrace as best he could. The bruises did not make it easy for the former Templar, but he refuses to let go. He would never let her go…

“And I do not want to lose you either,” the Commander admitted kissing her temple. She remained quiet, gradually relaxing in his arms. They had yet to publicly admit to a relationship and he knew rumors were running rampant, especially since their departure from Skyhold. Tonight would only see those rumors grow exponentially. He didn’t care about any of that at the moment. He only cared about the woman in his arms and keeping her safe. It was then that he made a promise to himself that he would live for her, not just protect but _live_.

*******

Cullen felt something stir against him. Something shaking, whimpering. A strangled cry startled him fully awake. Blinking back the sleep, he reached blindly in the direction of the frightened sound. “Nyssa?”

“Please,” was her response. “I don’t want to go back...Let me go.”

“ _Nyssa.”_ Cullen propped himself up as his eyes grew accustomed to the dim light of the tent. She was having a nightmare. Her features were silhouetted by the moonlight filtering through the tent flaps to reveal her terrified expression. Was this brought on by the fight at the rift? He wasn’t sure but he had to do something.

“Nys, it’s Cullen. You are safe,” he reassured her as he pulled her gently to his chest. They had treated his bruises after eating dinner, but she had been reluctant to share a cot with him, afraid she would aggravate his injuries. He had finally persuaded her that he would sleep better with her beside him. It had been a ploy to make sure she would sleep but that seemed to have failed.

Her eyes shot open as she looked frantically around the tent. Finally her gaze settled on him, her breathing labored. Was this what it was like for her when he had nightmares and she had to wake him? He gently moved sweat plastered hair away from her face as he whispered, “You are safe. I swear it.”

She raised a trembling hand to his cheek. Cullen leaned into her palm as he continued to stroke her hair. “Are you...real? Is this real?”

Cullen’s heart began to ache as she echoed the words he had asked her upon his return from the Shrine of Dumat. It was more clear to him at that moment that both of them had come to be an anchor of sorts for the other, serving to ground them. Their pasts still clawed at them, attempting to influence their future, to take away the happiness they had found by chance with one another.

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He whispered against her skin, “I swear to you I am real. My promise to keep you safe is real. You are here in Thedas with me. _This_ is real.”

She exhaled sharply against his neck as she tried to burrow into his embrace further. “I want--I want it to _stop_! I want it to fucking stop! I--He shouldn’t be able to have...The demons tried to make me go back.”

Cullen pulled back just a little to regard her with concern. In nearly a year in Thedas, he had never once heard her use that word, that _curse_ word. That didn’t mean she didn’t or wasn’t capable of it. He had walked in on a Wicked Grace game between the historian and Varric resulting in overhearing a few colorful words. According to Varric and the Chargers she could have quite the vocabulary actually when prompted but not in his presence.

The Commander sat up and cupped her face with both hands. “Nys, did the demons come to you in your dreams? Your connection to the Fade is not like a native Thedosian. You have never said anything--”

She shook her head furiously. “No. But the rift. You getting hurt...I remember coming through the rift in Haven…”

Cullen frowned. She had never spoken about the actual journey through the rift except to say she only had vague impressions from it. “Nys, you could have dreamed it…”

“ _No_ ,” she objected as she looked up at him with a desperate expression. She was no longer frightened, more frustrated than anything. “That Fear demon...It was the one who pulled me through the rift after I fell through the ice on Earth....Maybe not the exact one, but I was so scared...of what Bryan would do, of drowning...The rift appeared beneath the water...I remember being pulled in…”

He listened quietly as she recounted what she thought to be fact. Even if that wasn’t the case, she needed to get it out, put a voice to what bothered her. He had learned over time that letting her speak about things on her own terms, her own time benefitted her the most. Even if he had doubts, he would remain quiet for the time being to help her. He would do anything for her. He loved her.

One hand moved to hold hers as the other dropped to her waist, his thumb rubbing circles on her hip. He watched as she paused, trying to collect her thoughts or catch her breath he wasn’t sure. When she looked at him again, she looked lost.

Cullen pulled her into his lap like he had the night he had returned from the Shrine. She gasped in surprise, protesting by pushing against him. “I could hurt you--”

“Having you doubt yourself or regret being here because of something that was beyond your control. _That_ would hurt me more than any wound I have ever received in battle,” Cullen interrupted as he kissed her hard. She responded by wrapping her arms around his neck, returning his actions with an intensity he didn’t know she possessed.

Cullen wasn’t sure how long they remained like that, peppering each other with kisses, murmuring assurances against each other’s skin, holding the other tightly, refusing to let go. It didn’t matter as long as they were together. She was safe and in his arms. No demon—real or imaginary—would take her away.

Finally Anyssa murmured laying her head against his shoulder, “I... The demons in the Fade...They tried to tempt me with a better life, free of anything that would hurt me...But the Fear demon, he--it _laughed_ at me. Threatened to send me back to Bryan or to keep me locked away somewhere that would make me beg to be back on Earth. I didn’t know what those things were at the time. I just thought they were monsters. I screamed to be let go. For someone to help me...I saw a light...a voice guided me to the other rift...Said I would find safety and purpose again…”

“A _voice_?” Cullen echoed, remembering the Inquisitor’s tale of her time in the Fade. Could Anyssa’s memories be real?

She nodded against him, holding him closer. “I--It was a ball of light. It didn’t seem to say anything, but I still heard a voice for somewhere else...I don’t know why I’m remembering this now...I just feel like it’s real.”

Cullen regarded her with a thoughtful expression. Recalling tales of the Fade he had heard throughout his life, he wondered if they were real instead of fiction. “Did you recognize the voice? It sounds like you encountered a wisp...It is said that they sometimes act as guides in the Fade.”

He felt her trace the scars on his bare chest as she murmured, “I didn’t recognize the voice before...But it said I would remember when I was ready...When I knew what I wanted...When I knew who I was...Now I do.”

“Do what?”

She glanced up at him with a hopeful grin. “It was _Cole_.”

Cullen blinked in surprise. Cole had helped Anyssa find her way to Thedas and never said a thing about it? “Nyssa--”

_“She wanted to start over. Like blank paper, able to write her own story. Hoping that this time her choices would be right.”_

Cole’s words broke through the silence of the darkened tent. The Spirit of Compassion did not reveal himself this time as Cullen’s eyes searched the dark. He held Nyssa tightly to him despite his bruised chest. The spirit had come to his aid several times, sending her to him when he needed her the most.

_“He tested his chains, wanting to break free. Wanting to be the man the little boy had dreamed of being.”_

Anyssa shifted against him, also looking for the owner of the disembodied voice, her fingers feathering through the hair at the base of Cullen’s neck.

_“Both wanting something new, something they thought was lost. Finding each other, the path would be easier.”_

When the young man’s voice stopped, Anyssa glanced back at the Commander. Her hand brushed against his stubbled cheek as she smiled. “Even if you don’t believe what I remember is real, I believe Cole. I wasn’t just thrown through the Fade and a rift randomly. I was brought here...to find safety and purpose again. To find myself…And I have found so much more.”

Cullen felt his being swell with emotion as he mirrored her smile. “I believe you.”

He kissed her as he added, “I believe _in_ you.”

“Cullen, I--I’ve never been...The way that you treat me… I want you to want me. I want to have a life here...You could have anyone…”

“I don’t want just anyone. I want _you_ , Nys,” he said kissing her cheek. Maker, he wanted to tell her, to tell her how he felt but it felt wrong. She was so confident, so vibrant. It didn’t feel right to intrude on her moment. It was about the rediscovering of herself, not about him and his feelings. He wasn’t worthy of her but he wanted her in his life. He doubted he would ever feel worthy, but he would give her everything she deserved; he would continue to work to be worthy.

He rested her brow against hers as he reiterated, “ _Only_ you.”

“Cullen, I... I am glad I am here with you...I--”

“You are safe here. You are meant to be here. I want you here,” Cullen murmured between kisses peppered along her jaw and cheek. “Whatever brought you here, I thank the Maker every day you are here, and you are mine.”

He felt Anyssa burrow into his shoulder, hiding her face. Even without being able to see well, he knew she was blushing. He let out a soft chuckle as he pulled her back down to the cot with him, his arms wrapped tightly around her. Despite the pending march on Corypheus and the uncertainty of its outcome, he wanted to spend every possible moment with her. He wanted to make sure she knew she was wanted and safe. That he wanted to have a life with her. He wanted to make sure she felt loved. He would tell her that and everything else later. For now, having her be certain of herself and of her choice to be with him was good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100% happy with this chapter. I've rewritten it and edited several times. I wanted to address a little bit of how Nyssa came to Thedas. I figured Cole, being the helpful spirit he is, might have played a part. Not sure it came across the way I intended but here it is. In the end I just decided to post it and move on. 
> 
> On another note, thank you for all your kudos and feedback. I'm glad that their first kiss was not a disappointment. 😊


	47. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'And suddenly, you meet that one person that makes you forget about yesterday, and dream about tomorrow.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This chapter is meant to be read concurrently with the next one. I am posting both chapters 47 and 48 together. These two chapters describe the exact same events--Chapter 47 is Cullen's POV while Chapter 48 is Nyssa's POV.***
> 
> Enjoy!

He said the words. The ones he had only ever been brave enough to utter in his dreams. He had realized the truth of his dream well before Anyssa had worked up the courage to kiss him. His utter shock at her boldness had nearly turned her away.

Now there he stood in her quarters the night before the march on the Arbor Wilds and she stood motionless. Had his dream shattered before it had even truly taken root?

Cullen appeared on her doorstep under the pretense of needing to talk, to air his thoughts about the Inquisition’s successes and the pending battle to someone he trusted. To voice what he wanted in the future. As always she had lent him a patient ear and offered support when she believed he might begin to doubt.

Months ago he had realized that she supported him just as much as he supported her. He both respected her and adored her for that. But more than that he looked up to her for all that she had been able to accomplish since arriving in Thedas. She had come so far from the scared, uncertain woman in Haven to the woman who while still shy would let you know exactly what was what and where you stood with her. Soft spoken as ever, she always performed her duties and then some without complaint. She watched over him without consent most of the time and was no longer intimidated by him.

The ruse for his visit had worked so well that he had almost convinced himself not to admit his feelings. The march to the Wilds however forced him to confess; he could not leave without telling her if there were even the slightest chance he would not return. He needed her to know how he truly felt about her and that what being together meant everything to him.

He had paused in his pacing, knowing that he was rambling on. The amused look on her face faulted as he looked at her with everything he felt for her, no mask of stoicism. Her ice blue eyes locked with his as he uttered the words he had waited weeks to say.

Now he stood waiting for any sort of reply or reaction. Anything that might hint at what she might be thinking or feeling. Anyssa could be hard to read if one did not know her, but he did. And he knew that her silence and motionless stance was born of fright. He had scared her. That had never been his intent.

He thought that maybe she shared his dream of finding someone to give her heart to. He had wanted to be that person for her. Instead, hoped turned to confusion and then disappointment. He once again misjudged a person he thought he knew.

Cullen averted just eyes to the roaring fire, unwilling to let her see his disappointment. He tried to keep his voice even but knew he failed as he uttered the words. “I... I should not have said that...Forgive me. You are—I should go.”

Not able or willing to wait for an acknowledgement, he turned to leave. His heart shattering as he realized he had put so much hope in those words he only spoke in a dream, a dream he had been unaware that he wanted to be real until Anyssa appeared in his life. He shared so much of himself with her. She was the only one to see all of him not just pieces. He never asked anything of her except to believe in herself. In return, unbidden she believed in him. But now…

Maybe it was better that it remained a dream. He still had much to atone for and a lyrium addiction to overcome. She deserved so much more. But she insisted he was better than others she had known on Earth as he was now—

“Tell me again.”

He froze at the sound of her quiet plea, his hand still on the door knob. Had he heard her correctly? Hope once again seeped its way into his heart. He slowly turned his head just a bit back to her, just enough to see her in the flickering fire light. She moved a few steps toward him, expression one of conflicting emotions.

Wanting to believe he had heard her, he still needed to be sure. His heart couldn’t take further disappointment, not when he hoped so much that his dream would become reality. In a voice as quiet as hers, he asked, “What?”

Cullen watched as she took two steps forward, forcing herself to break through whatever had held her back before. In a stronger voice than before, she said, “Say it again.”

His heart began racing in his chest as he caught the plea in her voice, the hope her eyes held that he would try again. He hadn’t frightened her off completely; a part of her wanted what he offered. Cullen turned to face her completely as he whispered, “I love you.”

He knew his voice broke as he injected all the emotion he could into it, hoping—no, praying she would believe him. That she would accept him. He wanted to give her everything she had been denied before; he was certain even in his current state he could do better by her, that he already had. He just wanted the opportunity to continue to do so.

He watched as Anyssa attempted to reply. Her lips trembled as no words came. He saw trails of moisture on her cheeks reflected by the fire light as she silently touched her cheek. She glanced down at her hand as if surprised to find herself crying. As always an overwhelming urge to protect her enveloped the Commander.

He began walking towards her slowly, deliberately. Keeping his eyes on her, he uttered in a whisper but no less strong, “I love you.”

Ice blue eyes locked with his as he came to stand before her. She made no attempt to run away or avert her eyes. She wanted to hear it, _needed_ to. His fear of her rejecting him was still very real but her actions made him hope it wouldn’t happen, that dreams could become reality.

“I love you,” he repeated as he cupped her face. He gave her a gentle smile as he used his thumbs to wipe away her tears. “I love you.”

Her gaze faulted for an instant. When she focused on him once more, she asked, “How can you when I can’t even say it back?”

Continuing to smile, he kissed her forehead. He replied without hesitation. “Because I love you. _All_ of you. And I _know_ you. I know there is so much you want to say but can’t. Your actions speak for you…”

He watched as Anyssa shook her head. “I don’t know—"

She paused seeming to attempt to figure out what she wanted to say. Finally she focused on him again as frustration crossed her features. “I want to—"

He cut her off as he continued to wipe away her tears. Maybe hearing his own fears and doubts might give her some reassurance that he understood what she was feeling. “I have wanted to tell you for weeks now. I was afraid you would be scared or reject me in order to protect yourself. But facing Corypheus in the Wilds...I have to let you know that no matter what happens someone in Thedas loves you. _I_ love you and I want so much because of that, because of you.”

“Cullen.” She said his name as both a way to let him know she believed him but also as an apology for not being able to tell him back. He had known she would most likely have an issue saying it back and maybe she would never be able to. But he also knew her well enough to know she would feel it just the same.

“I have waited a lifetime to hear those three words from someone who genuinely cares for me and can accept me. I can wait as long as it takes, Nys. I love you.”

The word came out with ease. No stuttering or hesitation. He knew in that moment what to say to the woman who had captured his heart. A heart he had once kept closed off, afraid of the dangers allowing others in could bring. Joining the Inquisition and freeing himself of lyrium had allowed him to dream again, to hope for things he had once thought lost or too dangerous to consider. He would do whatever was necessary to make sure the woman in front of him knew he would never take her for granted.

Cullen leaned forward as he tilted her head up. He kissed her over and over again tenderly, willing for his touch to quiet her shaking body. He knew she had steadily grown accustomed to his touch since Haven as he had hers. Both had reasons to distrust such things from their past but with each other it seemed to not matter.

He felt her finally move her hand to rest against his chest. Her hand warm through his linen shirt against his skin. She was real. This was real, not a dream. He moved his arms around her to fully embrace her, no longer afraid she’d run from him. She fisted his shirt as he pulled back from the kiss. Resting his forehead against hers, he admitted, knowing how emotional he sounded, “I thank the Maker every day for bringing you to Thedas. For taking you away from that horrible excuse of a man. For being a light in my darkest hour. For believing in me when I could not. I would do anything to keep you safe. To have you know you are loved, needed, and valued. I... I want a life with you when this is all over.”

Cullen felt her continue to tremble as he spoke. He prayed she found strength enough to believe him.

“But I can’t say—"

He kissed her. He would be strong enough for them both. “You will. One day when you are ready. Until then I will say it for both of us.”

Anyssa buried her face in his chest as she clung to him, refusing to relinquish her hold at any point during the rest of the night. He held her, all too happy to not be turned away, to have her believe him. He knew this would be a big step for her. It equally was for him but being with her was a risk worth taking.

Dreams had seemed like a fruitless venture in the Circle, especially after Kinloch Hold. The Gallows had been no place for such considerations either. Steeling himself with the belief his duty to the Templar Order would see him through anything. Cullen had lived years without daring to hope for anything beyond duty and simply surviving. The mage rebellion had ultimately forced him to face all the wrongs he had allowed to happen and change how he lived his life.

Without the opportunity Cassandra had given him, he might never had left the Order to atone, broken his lyrium chains, or met Anyssa. He would never have realized his dreams of protecting as a boy could not be accomplished as a Templar. Forging his own path, he had slowly come to realize that freedom to choose was something he had always taken for granted. Anyssa had shown him how do regain that and so much more.

Now he no longer had to dream of what could be. He had been brave enough to set out on an unknown path and while he still knew it would not be easy, it would be worth it. The woman who he held protectively in his arms made everything clear to him. Dreams could lead to reality if one simply believed and had the courage to act. Anyssa had from the very beginning in Haven. He could do no less as he promised to them both to keep being strong no matter what the Maker placed in their path.


	48. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'You make me feel things I didn't believe in anymore.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This chapter is meant to be read concurrently with the previous one. I am posting both chapters 47 and 48 together. These two chapters describe the exact same events--Chapter 47 is Cullen's POV while Chapter 48 is Nyssa's POV.***
> 
> Enjoy!

“I love you.”

Three simple words that should have been easy to accept and reply to.

Three words that held so much promise, so much hope, and so much potential heartbreak.

She’d heard them before. She’d believed the words when her parents had said them to her over the phone before they went on a weekend getaway while she’d been in high school. It had been the last time she’d heard it from them. A car crash had taken them from her.

She’d heard them from her grandmother before she died. The only grandchild to sit with her until the end. Now she was gone.

She heard it from her aunt and uncle who taken her in after her parents passed. They put restrictions on who she could see, talk to, even what she could study in school. Finally she had left when she discovered her scholarship money was missing.

She heard the words from friends or words to that effect. She had believed it until she’d forced them away, too ashamed of what was going on behind closed doors to let them see or let them help.

She heard it from the man who had uttered them after demeaning her. He said it had been for her own good, that she hadn’t done what she supposed to, that she had disobeyed him, that she was nothing without him. He loved her but she had to obey.

She didn’t know what those three words meant anymore. She should. She still had the memory of her parents and her grandmother before they died and of her friends before she pushed them away. She should remember the meaning, the true intent of those simple words because of them.

She was afraid of those words. Those that had sought to control her for their own ends disguising it as love tainted those words. She wanted to believe but doubt always wormed its way into her efforts to change.

She heard other words now from people who said they cared. They said they wanted to help her overcome her past, to be the person she wanted to be, to be her friend. Their actions spoke loudly, not just their words. Both screamed at her to accept these new people at face value, that she needn’t be alone anymore.

She heard the words uttered out of the blue by the blond man standing in the middle of her quarters. Golden eyes full of adoration and sincerity as he anxiously waited for her response. He’d appeared at her door on the eve of the march to the Arbor Wilds, restless and nervous. He’d paced and talked about everything they had accomplished, everything they had been through together, everything he wanted to do in the future.

Then he’d stopped himself and locked his gaze with hers. “I love you.”

He’d said it so abruptly but with such certainty she would be a fool to question his honesty. Yet there she stood unable to move or reply, simply staring at him like he spoke a foreign language. Yet she knew he told the truth.

As her silence drug on, his hopeful expression slowly faded to confusion then to disappointment. His golden eyes flickered away to the fireplace, dejection in his tone. “I...I should not have said that...Forgive me. You are—I should go.”

She watched as he turned to go. He placed so much trust in her since saving her from the icy lake near Haven. He shared his doubts, his fears, his nightmares with her and in turn helped with hers. He never once asked for anything from her except friendship and that she believe she was more than others made her believe in the past. He believed in her. Why couldn’t she believe in him?

She watched as he walked away, his shoulder slumped, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. All signs he thought he had done something wrong, something to cause her pain. Her racing heart said otherwise. She wanted him to say those words even if she could not yet say them herself.

He was leaving; his hand was on the door. Would she just let him leave as she had with all the others that had cared? Was she just going to throw away the second chance she had been granted? Oh how she wanted to say something. The right thing. Those three words…

Her feet moved of their own accord as she whispered, “Tell me again.”

Cullen froze, his hand still on the door knob. He turned back just enough for her to see his profile. She had only taken a few steps towards him, but it had been enough combined with her words to catch his attention. “What?” His voice was as quiet as hers had been.

She wanted to say those three words but couldn’t. Instead she asked him to be the braver one, the one to take the risk a second time. She took two more steps towards him. “Say it again.”

He turned fully towards her. His golden eyes reflecting the firelight. She knew she was shaking as she tried to meet his gaze. Everything screamed for her to tell him to leave, to forget about her, that she was not worth it. But every action Cullen had ever taken told her otherwise. His willingness to leave proved she was wrong.

“I love you,” he whispered, his voice breaking.

The raw emotion held within his voice awakened a sense of hope in her that she could accept those three words from him. She tried to say something, but nothing came. Instead she felt tears slide down her cheeks. She touched a hand to her face finding that she was indeed crying. It wasn’t from sadness or loneliness as when her boyfriend or aunt and uncle uttered the words. It was from happiness knowing that Cullen meant them just as her parents and grandmother had.

He took slow strides towards her, almost as if he were afraid to scare her away. She was scared, not that he would hurt her when he said those three words but that she would not be able to say them back.

“I love you.” His voice was still quiet but more even. His eyes never left her as he reached where she stood. She wanted to believe.

“I love you,” he said as he cupped her face with both hands, his thumbs wiping away her tears. “I love you.”

Her ice blue eyes finally met his gaze once more. She saw nothing but love there. “How can you when I can’t even say it back?”

He kissed her forehead. “Because I love you. _All_ of you. And I _know_ you. I know there is so much you want to say but can’t. You’re actions speak for you…”

“I don’t know how—" she trailed as she realized she had no idea where to begin with her objections. Too many thoughts rolled around in her mind to focus on one. Instead she focused on Cullen. “I want to—"

“I have wanted to tell you for weeks now. I was afraid you would be scared or reject me in order to protect yourself,” he explained as he continued to wipe away her tears. “But facing Corypheus in the Wilds...I have to let you know that no matter what happens someone in Thedas loves you. _I_ love you and I want so much because of that, because of you.”

“Cullen,” was the only response she could muster. She would not run but she could not say it back.

He smiled at her. “I have waited a life time to hear those three words from someone who genuinely cares for me and can accept me. I can wait as long as it takes, Nys. I love you.”

He tilted his head as he gently kissed her. He still cupped her face as he kissed her tenderly over and over. She knew he would not hurt her, his words, his touch, his kisses told her that. He did not use those three words to control. Cullen used them to reassure, to encourage, to empower, to make things better.

Slowly she forced herself to move her shaking hands to rest flat on his chest. In response, he moved his arms around her, bringing her flush to his chest in a protective embrace. Fisting his shirt tightly, she felt him pull back. She looked up at him confused until he rested his forehead against hers.

“I thank the Maker every day for bringing you to Thedas. For taking you away from the horrible excuse for a man. For being a light in my darkest hour,” Cullen admitted, voice filled with emotion. “For believing in me when I could not. I would do anything to keep you safe. To have you know you are loved, needed, and valued. I...I want a life with you when this is all over.”

She still trembled, knowing he spoke the truth. Knowing her doubts were unfounded. Knowing she still could not say those three words.

“But I can’t say—"

He kissed her. “You will. One day when you are ready. Until then I will say it for both of us.”

She buried her face his chest as she continued to hold her well into the night. She had heard him say those three words and mean them. He did not expect her to say them back immediately. He only wanted her to know how he truly felt. She believed him despite the doubts. She believed despite the worry and fear. She believed in him. That was enough.

Cullen believed in her and that was enough for her to know that one day she would say those three words back. When she could tell him _I love you._


	49. Red Lyrium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Inquisitor sentences Samson to prison with Cullen acting at his handler, the Commander begins to hear the call of the Red Lyrium contained within Corypheus' fallen general. Anyssa finds him doubting everything except her as she tries to help him through it.

_"Safe and solid, protecting and proud. He feels like quiet, stronger when you hold him."_

Cole’s sudden appearance in her quarters startled her. Anyssa was still not used to the spirit nor his uncanny ability to appear when he liked or read others’ emotions. But his words caused her more pause. She asked what he was talking about.

“He hears the song less now. Replaced by gentle words from you. But the song has soured. He does not want to hear it. Samson reminds him of what could have been.”

“Samson? He’s been dealt with. Evie sentenced him to prison…”

“He wants to be stronger. He wants to let it go but he can’t. He needs more. He needs you to show him it is alright to want more.”

Shortly after the spirit of compassion disappeared as abruptly as he appeared, Anyssa found herself at the door to Cullen’s tower. Through the heavy wooden door, she could hear what sounded like knives being thrown. He was angry or upset then. Did Samson’s fate really trouble him that much?

Taking a breath, she knocked on the door. A gruff voice responded. “I left orders I was not to be disturbed!”

She debated for a moment whether to proceed of not, but Cole’s words pushed her forward. “Cullen, It’s Nyssa. I’m--I need to see you.”

There was no sound from within the office for several long seconds. Anyssa pulled the cloak tighter around her. Skyhold maybe protected by ancient magics that even allowed the temperature in the keep to be warmer than outside, it was still cool. Finally she called out again, “Cullen?”

“Enter,” he said sharply.

She pushed opened the door and saw him staring into the fireplace, daggers still in hand. Closing the door, she waited for him to say something, hoping he would open up without her having to prompt him. She stood off to the side as he murmured, “Why are you here? It’s late.”

“Because you are here,” she replied simply as she moved to stand beside him.

He turned to her. “You should be sleeping.”

“Cullen, don’t do this,” she pleaded as she took the remaining daggers from his hand. “I am here...like you said you wanted me to be.”

His golden eyes looked at his now empty hand. “I hear the song. It is dimmer, fading. But Samson...his very being is infused with red lyrium. That song is wrong. Even though I am no longer a Templar I can still _hear_ it.”

Anyssa placed the daggers on the mantle and came to stand in front of him. She slowly took his hand in her smaller ones. “Cullen, I can’t say I know exactly what it is to hear the song, but I do know what it’s like to feel confused, to feel everything and be overwhelmed. It was like that when I first arrived here, still is sometimes.”

“How--How do you deal with it?” he asked as he looked up at her. “It--He took everything from my brothers and sisters and still more from innocents, yet he still lives.”

She gave him a shy smile. “I look to you.”

His troubled expression melted into one of adoration. “You are Maker sent.”

“Cullen…” she was cut off as he pulled her into his arms. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, as he rocked her slowly.

He said nothing as they stood in front of the fireplace. She wrapped her own arms around his waist as Cole’s words replayed in her mind. _He feels like quiet, stronger when you hold him._

She had wanted to feel needed and wanted by someone for so long. Now she knew she did. Cullen both needed and wanted her. She felt safe, content, like she belonged. It was a new sensation and one she did not want to give up.

“I’ve felt the call of the red lyrium before...in Kirkwall but _this_ …” he began softly, his breath against her neck. “The Shrine of Dumat was so strong; there was so much I thought I might succumb. I could only think of everything I have yet to do and you…”

“Now,” he said pulling back to look at her. “Now with Samson here, alive...and I have been ordered to be his handler...His armor is destroyed but there remains red lyrium within his veins. It calls to me. Offers me things. It feels wrong...So wrong. How could someone willing submit to it?”

She caressed his cheek. “Those that are power hungry or lost and have no hope of recovering...They will fall most easily...You couldn’t.”

“How do you know that? Even if we defeat Corypheus, red lyrium will still be a threat,” he asked.

Anyssa smiled at him. “Because I know you. I know Cullen. I know how stubborn you are, how affected by this you truly are, and how much you wish to make things right. Your anger at it, at Samson proves that.”

“But I could still fall...I was a Templar. The temptation maybe greater because I have stopped taking lyrium...What if I became like him?”

“Oh, no, Cullen,” she murmured, moving to hold his face with both hands, grazing his stubbled cheeks with her thumbs. “You won’t fall. I--I won’t let you. You are too strong, too stubborn.... And I need you.”

“Maker, I need you so much. I have never felt this way,” he breathed as he leaned his forehead against hers. “I do not know how you think my weakness is not...I--”

She rose up on her tiptoes and kissed him into silence. She held onto him tightly, willing him to understand it didn’t matter to her. His weaknesses, her weaknesses. They did not matter. Only the way they felt with one another. The strength they lent one another was all that mattered. She was stronger not because she was with him, but because he believed in her and had taught her to believe in herself once again.

He kissed her back with an urgent need that bordered on desperation. Still she felt restraint in his actions even as he held her tightly against him. She had been kissed before and in recent years with no real feeling behind it. Just an act of the other to get what they wanted. She had never truly been a concern for them. They did as they pleased, regardless if they hurt her or not.

Cullen was different. He felt so much, and it was for her. Yet he restrained himself and his feelings, afraid he would hurt her. If she were sure of one thing since coming to Thedas it was that Cullen Rutherford would never hurt her.

“Nys,” he uttered against her lips.

“I am here, Cullen. I know exactly who you are and that you are the strongest man I have ever known,” she whispered looked into his golden eyes. “I know you find it hard to let others see you as vulnerable but I...You’ve seen me at my weakest and didn’t let that change how you saw me...It’s the same for you...You are allowed to feel weak and vulnerable sometimes. It’s not bad...It just makes me realize how much you have overcome to get here and that you still carry on.”

“Nys,...Maker, how I love you,” Cullen said with a smile. “Your words are stronger than any song, any temptation, any doubt...You are stronger than you were when you first arrived here and...I would be blessed to gain even a fraction of the strength you have shown.”

Anyssa blushed but did not avert her eyes as she had so many times before when he said such things. “If...if you ever need a reminder how strong you really are...just look to me...I--”

He swept her up into his arms, feet off the floor. “I will never forget how you make me feel. _Ever_.”

A quiet voice called from the corner as she hugged him tightly, a smile tugging at her lips.

_"He sounds new, echoes of laughter on an empty riverbed. Not for sailing, but safer."_

Much to Anyssa’s surprise, Cullen responded. “Thank you, Cole. Thank you for bringing her when I needed her the most.”

There was no response from the spirit, only the crackle of the fire. He continued to hold onto her, seemingly enjoying the nearness, her very presence. Anyssa couldn’t deny that she felt the same way. Instead she mentally thanked the young man for his help. She had found a place to belong and regretted nothing that had brought her to Cullen. She was home.


	50. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Inquisition waits for Corypheus to make his final move after his defeat in the Arbor Wilds, many begin to turn their attention to what happens after. Anyssa and Cullen are no different but what exactly would that look like for an ex-Templar and a woman from another world?

Cullen's latest visitor to his tower had been the mischievous Red Jenny herself. He had half expected her to deliver reports with doodles or present some sort of prank. Instead Sera seemed concerned. She uttered words of worry about Anyssa. _That_ had the Commander's attention the moment the elf's intentions became clear.

Apparently Sera had roped Anyssa into baking cookies again. They had made the sugar cookies Cullen adored but also some oatmeal raisin that Sera despised. Once done, Anyssa had disappeared with both batches of cookies muttering something about time to herself. When Sera asked about giving Cullen the sugar cookies, the historian had offered no reply. Believing she was acting weirder than normal, Sera had sought out Cullen for help.

He had agreed to look into it immediately, deciding taking a break from making contingency plans for Corypheus' final move would do him some good. As he left the tower via the stairs toward the lower courtyard, he heard Sera mumble about his thing and Nyssa's thing needing to do things. Grateful that he had been facing away, he could only imagine the blush that surely made its way to his ears. Sera most definitely was implying sex but that was a topic Nyssa had deftly skirted around. Yes, he thought of her that way in the privacy of his mind in his loft at night. But given her past, he had yet to bring it up to her directly yet. Their relationship was still too new.

Weaving through the merchants and customers at the stalls, he made his way up the stairs to the kitchen. Greeting the kitchen workers, he cut through to the open hall to the narrow corridor that led to Anyssa's study. He entered the old library without knocking as had become custom. She had told him more than once even before they had begun seeing each other he was welcomed there anytime.

Closing the door behind him he found torches lit in the circular room at the end of the hall lined by bookshelves. As he made his way towards the actual study, he saw Anyssa hunkered down over her desk with a cloth covered basket off to one side. She seemed to be marking things on a large piece of parchment, a cookie sat on the paper apparently forgotten.

Cullen smiled at her actions but paused just before the curtains that framed the door into the round room. She was humming. He had never heard her hum before. He watched her; the historian clearly unaware of his presence. He stilled his movements, simply taking in the sight of her relaxed, doing something she apparently enjoyed.

Quietly, gradually her humming turned to singing. Her voice soft but lovely as the unfamiliar song filtered over to him. It was definitely Earth in origin, but the tune was still elegant. Anyssa's voice was captivating despite Cullen realizing she most likely only sung for herself. She would be incredibly embarrassed once she realized he was there but in that moment all he wanted to do was hear her sing.

_Think of me_

_Think of me fondly_

_When we've said goodbye_

_Remember me_

_Once in a while_

_Please, promise me you'll try_

The words sounded hopeful to him even though the verse talked of saying goodbye. He continued to watch her as he saw her smile while she sang, still unaware of his presence.

_When you find_

_That once again you long_

_To take your heart back and be free_

_If you ever find a moment_

_Spare a thought for me_

Without realizing what he was doing Cullen took a step forward, his armor clanking with his movements. Anyssa’s head shot up in surprise, her cheeks becoming tinged with pink as she realized he had caught her singing. To his disappointment, she clenched her jaw unwilling to continue with the melody that had entranced him. He paused for just a moment and then continued to walk around the desk to her side.

“Forgive me, Nys. I did not come here with the intention of spying on you,” he began as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I...That was lovely.”

She bit her lip as she glanced down at his chest plate. Lowering his hand, he bent down to her level. “I mean that, Nyssa. Was that from Earth?”

The historian nodded as she said quietly, “It’s a song from a play.”

“What is it called?”

“ _Think of Me_.”

He smiled as he tipped her head up to look at him. “That is an appropriately titled song as I think of you quite often.”

Finally she allowed herself to grin. “I just...I just haven't felt like singing in a long time.”

“I do not expect you to do it in my presence, but I would not be opposed to it,” Cullen commented as she looked at him in surprise. “But I suspect that is something you do for yourself, not anyone else.”

“I--I wouldn’t mind...It’s just I haven’t sung like that since I started seeing Bryan.”

The Commander refused the urge to even acknowledge the other name’s name. “You need not worry about that now…”

She lowered her gaze to the desk. Cullen followed suit, finally seeing what she had been working on. It was a map similar to the one in the War Room, just a smaller scale. Circles and X’s dotted the parchment as well as a symbol resembling a squiggly line with a dot below it. He gestured to it. “What are these?”

“Oh, those?” Anyssa asked, pointing at the mark. “It’s a punctuation mark from Earth. It’s called a question mark. You place it at the end of the sentence if it’s a question.”

“If it is used in grammar on your world, why is it on the map?” he asked as he noticed a couple of locations had checkmarks as well.

“They are supposed to represent ‘ _maybe’s_ ’ I suppose,” she offered with a shrug as she pulled a sugar cookie from the basket.

Cullen took the offered dessert as he studied the map. It had no military significance, nor did it align with any of the historical sites she had previously indicated to the Council as important to Corypheus. Taking another bit of the cookie, he noted that there were only a handful of checkmarks. Seven to be precise. Haven. Skyhold. Crestwood. Ville Montevelan. Rainesfere. White River. An Inquisition outpost in the Dales. All places she had been to. X’s were placed over Kirkwall and the middle of Lake Calenhad. The Anderfels, Tevinter, and Seheron suffered the same fate.

The rest of the map was littered with location names that were circled, some more heavily circled than others. He let a smile play across his lips as he finished the cookie. He knew what she had been doing and Sera’s words of her wanting time to herself made sense.

“Planning a trip or a few are you?” he asked with a teasing tone.

Her head once again shot up. “No—No! That’s not what this is. I was just...We don’t know where Corypheus might be…”

She trailed off when he gave her a scolding look. She huffed and looked away. He explained calmly, “Sera was concerned when you made off with the cookies instead of coming to see me. She heard you say something about needing time to yourself. She thought there might be a problem between us...I think.”

Anyssa shook her head, still refusing to look up. “There’s no problem.”

“Then why can you not tell me that these are places you’ve been, places you don’t want to go, and ones you are interested in seeing?” he asked as he pointed at various spots on the map. “Nys, I thought you knew you could trust me with something like this.”

“I do trust you. I just--”

He waited patiently as she tried to answer his question. Maybe he should not have confronted her about it, but something was clearly on her mind. After a few long moments, she shrugged. “I’m not from here yet I know all of these things: historical facts, folk stories, cultural themes, places of importance to the locals. I’m supposed to have traveled to all these places Leliana mentioned in my invented background. Yet I’ve only been to 7 places in all of Thedas. I don’t even have a real home.”

Cullen’s entire being froze. She had no home? Wasn’t Skyhold her home? Wasn’t he—

“Nys, look at me. Please?” he urged her as he placed his hands on her shoulders. Slowly she looked up at him with ice blue eyes. “You have a home. Skyhold is your home.”

She shook her head. “When the Inquisition ends and it will some time after Corypheus is defeated…I hear people talk about returning home, to their family and friends. Even you say the Inquisition was only meant to be temporary. Where will I go? I have no home to go to.”

“Where will _I_ go, Nyssa? I have been training since I was 13. A soldier of one sort or another since I was 18. The Blight took my childhood home. Where will I go and why would you not be with me?”

“You can go to South Reach. You have family there. You--”

She was cut off by a bruising kiss from Cullen. He normally tried to contain his actions, only pushing when she indicated she were ready but this time...Her doubts were too much for him. They were together now, and he saw them remaining that way well after the Inquisition ceased to exist.

She whimpered against him as he brought her flush to his chest plate, cradling her head with one hand while the other was placed firmly around her waist. He murmured against her lips, “You are my family, Nys.”

“Cullen…”

“I will go anywhere you want. We can visit any place on your map. We can settle anywhere you want. I’ll retire one day, and you can write book after book about all the knowledge the Inquisition rediscovered. You can retell stories from your world as fairytale here. Whatever you want, just let me be at your side. Let me be your home. Please?”

He felt her pull on his mantle. Looking down, he saw her eyes meet his. “You mean that?”

“Maker’s breath! Of course, I mean it. Why--I have what I want--what I _need_ right in front of me. Why would I not--”

She bounced upwards on her tip toes to kiss him again. Cullen held onto her tightly, trying to keep them upright as she clung to him awkwardly. “I want to live someplace without mountains and snow all year round. The rest you can pick.”

He chuckled as he kissed her forehead. “I have not given a great deal of thought to that except perhaps the other side of Ferelden. Maybe staying in South Reach with my brother and sisters and then elsewhere. We could have a Mabari or two…”

He trailed off as he noticed her smile. “What are you--”

“You said you hadn’t thought about it a great deal, but you want to go to see your family…and you want Mabari.”

“Yes. Well, we are Fereldan after all and you seem to like Mabari…” Cullen began knowing he sounded a little defensive. He sighed and added, “I should--that is _we_ should go see my family sooner than that. I think after Corypheus is defeated and he _will_ be--”

“I’d like that, but would they like me?” Anyssa asked in an uncertain tone, her eyes darting from him to the map on her desk.

“Yes. Of course they would. Mia already adores you…” he admitted without thinking. He glanced down sheepishly. “That is…I may have taken your advice and written to her more regularly _and_ mentioned you several times.”

“Several times?”

“Well, truthfully, in her words it is hundreds of times.”

She returned his embarrassed grin. “At least I don't have to worry about that...as much.”

Cullen stroked her cheek with his thumb. “You will be fine…”

He glanced at the cookie basket, his stomach growling. She arched an eyebrow. “Did you skip lunch again?”

“It is possible,” the Commander admitted reluctantly.

She glared at him as she offered him the basket of cookies. “You really need to stop doing that.”

“I have been told as much by several people several times; present company included.”

“And you still don’t remember,” she scolded as she offered him a sugar cookie.

He looked at it and then to her. “I would like to try one of your other cookies.”

“Other?”

“Yes. Sera mentioned you made a batch of oatmeal raisin.”

“Oh but those _weren’t_ for you…” she trailed seeing his puppy dog eyes.

“That’s cheating,” she grumbled as she pulled out the other cookie.

He chuckled. “But it is only used on you.”

“ _Fine_ ,” she muttered as she thrust the cookie at him. “Those were supposed to be _mine_...They’re my favorite.”

“You eat the ones you make for me. Turnabout is fair play, my lady.”

He bit into the cookie as she watched him. Just as with the sugar cookies, the oatmeal raisin were amazing. “I believe I have found my second favorite cookie.”

She shook her head. “Who would imagine the Commander of the Inquisition had such a sweet tooth.”

“Who would have imagined I would find a woman like you and you would want me?”

“Cullen--”

“Nys, I mean it. I love you and want to be with you after the Inquisition,” he assured her as he held her hand. “I have a favor to ask if you will indulge me.”

“What?”

“That song you sang. It was mesmerizing the way you sang it. I loved hearing your voice like that,” he admitted slowly. The idea had come to him just a moment ago and he had not fully thought his request through, but he plowed on regardless. “When--When I cannot sleep would you--would you sing that to me? Please?”

He watched her ice blue eye search his face. He knew he was asking a great favor of her, but he knew if he heard that voice at night, it would ease his night terrors. It would never make them go away completely but it would help. He was sure of it.

She nodded. “I--I can do that for you.”

“Thank you.”

“I can share all my cookies with you too, if you’d like,” she offered with a grin.

“That would be most appreciated, Lady Anyssa.”

“But you have to promise to try to remember to not skip meals.”

“I am not sure--”

“No more cookies then,” she replied as she slowly pulled to basket out of his reach.

Cullen pretended to sulk. “But I _need_ your cookies.”

“Well, then maybe the cookies become rationed then if you forget.”

“Or you could remind me to have my meals by having them with me?”

“Really, Cullen?”

“Yes. Maybe we could spend more time discussing future travel plans as well. Maybe where to set down roots…”

“I’d like that.”

“As would I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Nyssa sings is from "The Phantom of the Opera"  
> “Think of Me” by Andrew Lloyd Webber


	51. Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the victory over Corypheus and the inexplicable disappearance of Solas, the Inquisition enjoys its triumph while Cullen and Anyssa retreat to her study for a moment of peace. A note from an unexpected source prompts Anyssa to lay to rest a doubt that plagues Cullen once and for all.

“I don’t understand,” Anyssa murmured as she looked down at the neatly folded parchment that had been placed on her desk. It had appeared sometime after she had left the office to see the Inquisitor’s party off to the Valley of Sacred Ashes and their return.

It was unsigned but she recognized the neat handwriting from the numerous notes she had passed to and from its owner. He had helped the Inquisition with many things long forgotten and had found them a permanent home in Skyhold. And now he was gone. Disappeared after the final battle against Corypheus with the broken pieces of the orb according to Evie.

“What is the matter, Nys?” Cullen asked noting the confusion in her voice. They had retreated to her study for a few moments of peace after the return of the victors. Josephine had already promised a celebration to remember a soon as they had returned through Skyhold’s gate.

Icy blue eyes looked up at him as he came to stand beside her. Her only answer was to hand the parchment to him, the candle light dancing across the paper. He looked down at the source of her confusion.

_“You once questioned why you were brought here, why you were gifted a second chance. Fate and the powers that be from both our worlds conspired to bring you through the Fade to a new life. You were not meant to be an earth-shattering presence like that of the Inquisitor. No. You were meant to matter on a smaller yet just as important scale. You are to live a life most have forgotten how to live or have taken that gift of life for granted. Whatever you choose to do with this life, my friend, please make good with this chance. Cherish the time you have and those around you. Do better than those I have seen in this world and the Fade do. Use your knowledge for good. Do not squander it for selfish gain. Help those around you understand it’s true meaning. Most of all--use it to live. Be a beacon to others that living is not a selfish act. Be better than myself and those that came before. Be an example that I could not be. Perhaps one day you can tell me if you were successful. Sule tael tasalal."_

Cullen was silent for a moment as Anyssa waited at his side. She watched as his eyes reread parts of the note. Finally he folded it up the way she had found it and handed it back to her. He gave her a small smile.

“He is telling you what I have known all along. You are meant to have a second chance because you genuinely want to live. You want a life that is better than what you had before. You have made great strides in rediscovering who you are, but you do not do it at the expense of others. You help those who need it along the way even if there is nothing to gain from it except the knowledge you helped.”

She knew she was frowning at him when he took a step towards her, cupping her face with both hands. “You have helped many within the Inquisition simply by being who you are. Solas may be correct that you will never have an earth-shattering title but to those around you, it does not matter. It did not matter to that little girl you saved during the avalanche. It did not matter when you supported Dorian during his trials with his father. It did not matter when you helped Bull after he was declared Tal-Vashoth. It doesn’t matter when you help me through my personal trials...only you—the _real_ you—matter.”

“I’m nothing special…” she said weakly. “I’m just—"

“ _You_ and that’s why I love you,” he replied tenderly kissing her forehead.

“How do you always know the right thing to say?” Anyssa asked as she leaned against his chest.

“I spend hours rehearsing possible things to say to you,” Cullen replied seriously. “Just in case.”

She cocked an eyebrow. Months ago she would have asked if he were joking. Now she knew he was serious. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she asked instead, “Corypheus is defeated. Solas disappeared and left that note. And the sky is healed...And I can’t go back to Earth.”

She heard him suck in a breath quickly. They had had this conversation several times, several different ways. But Anyssa knew that Cullen always harbored a small doubt about her decision to stay in Thedas, to not look for a way back to Earth. “Do...did you want to return? Solas might know more than he led on. He always knew more—"

“Why would I want to go to Earth when I’m already home?” She asked abruptly. She clamped her mouth shut as soon as the words were out, freezing in position.

She felt him push her away just a little as he looked down at her with a hopeful expression. Quietly he asked, “Do you mean that?”

Despite having blurted the words out she meant them. “Yes. I...I don’t want to leave Thedas even if I could. I don’t want to leave you. You asked to be my home. Why would I want to leave that?”

His smile grew wider as he picked her up off her feet in a dramatic hug. “I was afraid you might not want that...That you changed your mind…I have nothing to offer you beyond myself and my love.”

“That’s all I need,” she murmured hugging him tightly.

“Then I will gladly give all that I am to you until the end,” Cullen promised as she felt her entire being swell. It was a feeling she had only recently come to know and only associated with him. Only he made her feel that way. Maybe before the end she could tell him exactly how important he was to her, maybe she could tell him how she felt. Maybe she could do anything now because he was her anchor and with that, nothing was impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** Sule tael tasalal [until we meet again]***
> 
> ***This is the final chapter in this story. Last week I updated Anchor to be a part of an ongoing series--Every Wave of the Storm. The next part --Anchor: Moments--is already up. It's going to focus on those moments I either couldn't work into this story or I came up with too late to fit in. I hope to edit and post these at least weekly. It's meant to be a companion piece to the main story. Each chapter will state at the beginning where it occurs within Anchor.  
> I am also working on another story for Nyssa and Cullen called Anchor: Ripples that revolves around their lives during the two years between the defeat of Corypheus and the Exalted Council. 
> 
> I very much appreciate all the views, kudos, and comments. Anyssa is a very important OC to me and I am glad she was so well-received by you guys. So please stay tuned for more fluff and romance and awkwardness to take place between Nyssa and Cullen in the near future.  
> As always thank you and take care!


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